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July 22, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Sorry everyone! New chapters will be up by Sunday.
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June 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
OMG that was WONDERFUL please do more!!!!
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June 24, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Ok, I hope you didn't take my previous comment too personally (I have done the exact same thing), but sometimes it can be off putting.
To the story then:
I see room for improvement in some areas. Character development, for instance. I know this is only chapter one, but I haven't really gotten a feel for Rhiann yet. As it is, she's a cardboard character. We don't know anything about her, except that she's a Jedi with a tail who is not a virgin. Subtle character development is hard, but I can give you some more concrete examples if you'd like. Also, the idea of the raunchy sex club is good, but the execution could be better. Havng been to quite a few raunchy sex clubs myself, I can assure you that it's quite impossible for them to require their patrons to have a cock up their cunt/ass on a continuous basis. If anything, they want you to purchase more overpriced drinks and they accomplish this by making it comfortable for you to hang around as long as you like. Some of the one's I've frequented have employees with those old skool vending trays going around handing out things like strawberries (always handy), mints (VERY handy) and condoms (essentials). You could flesh out the club by changing the rules slightly and adding little details like that. Anakin and Rhiann would still have to "keep up appearances", but it would feel more realistic. Also, I'd like more description of the locations. The club is once again a good example. Are there booths with heavy curtains you can draw? Are there handcuffs tied to the bar that you may use? Are there cages you can stick your lover(s) in? (I've seen all of the aforementioned in clubs).
All in all, it's decent, but it could be so much better. I also really hope you develop Rhiann more indepth. Make her someone we can like, unlike the scores of boring, "perfect" OCs out there.
To the story then:
I see room for improvement in some areas. Character development, for instance. I know this is only chapter one, but I haven't really gotten a feel for Rhiann yet. As it is, she's a cardboard character. We don't know anything about her, except that she's a Jedi with a tail who is not a virgin. Subtle character development is hard, but I can give you some more concrete examples if you'd like. Also, the idea of the raunchy sex club is good, but the execution could be better. Havng been to quite a few raunchy sex clubs myself, I can assure you that it's quite impossible for them to require their patrons to have a cock up their cunt/ass on a continuous basis. If anything, they want you to purchase more overpriced drinks and they accomplish this by making it comfortable for you to hang around as long as you like. Some of the one's I've frequented have employees with those old skool vending trays going around handing out things like strawberries (always handy), mints (VERY handy) and condoms (essentials). You could flesh out the club by changing the rules slightly and adding little details like that. Anakin and Rhiann would still have to "keep up appearances", but it would feel more realistic. Also, I'd like more description of the locations. The club is once again a good example. Are there booths with heavy curtains you can draw? Are there handcuffs tied to the bar that you may use? Are there cages you can stick your lover(s) in? (I've seen all of the aforementioned in clubs).
All in all, it's decent, but it could be so much better. I also really hope you develop Rhiann more indepth. Make her someone we can like, unlike the scores of boring, "perfect" OCs out there.
schedule
June 24, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I haven't read your story, but I wanted to let you know you've misspelled "two" in your summary. It is not very inviting for readers to find a typo in the summary. Fix that and they won't be turned off to look further. :)