rate_review Reviews

well i think you should slow down your writing, you jump around too fast. Oh and i noticed males dont have vaginas okay but other then that good writing and last but not lest uhm make sure you spell check okay

If only that's what happened in the movie! Very good. Keep writing.

Erm where to begin....well I sappose I will start with the good of the story....very creative idea I deffinatly had the same idea for a story line to run with at that scean but as for the story its self....I must admit it was really rather confusing...the story line was really rushed and although there was a potential story line in there it had no back bone no structure it was rather a confusing mess of words one right after the other and I know exactly what it is like to be starting out and not knowing what your doing but perhaps I might offer up some advice....take this story down for awhile read up as many fics as you can find learn the bases of a proper set up then try this fic again with a re-write because it deffinatly has potental but as it is now the reader is far to confused and rushed to grasp the point your trying to make and thats not good on there part our yours...but dont give up you are going to be a great writer but there are alot of areas you need to work on...Best of luck XD


Also you may want to know that I think Ennis's other daughter was named Jenny not Franciene


Anyway best of luck to you

You're forgetting about the Round Up, missy. Also historical innacuracy. Gay was not a term in those days, let alone would little girls, especially Ennis' know that term. This is obviously a shody attempt at a PWP.

It's like you only paid attention to the sex scene in the movie.
Did you even READ the story? Male vagina? Some fetish...

.."Male vagina"...? o.O Darling, where the hell did you hear about male vaginas?! Have you ever seen a guy naked? Read before you write about something you clearly have absolutely no idea.Or maybe better, don't write at all, even tho the story is a god idea. Face it, you don't have the talent to write so stay with reading other people's (good) stuff.

I can tell that you're a bit new to this (I am too...kind of). The story itself has potential (makes me angry I didn't think of it), but, it gets almost impossible to understand what is going on. The sentence structure was a bit choppy and it made my head hurt. I'd recommend reading alot of the M/M fics on this site (or others) and try to get a understanding of how a gay sex scene is done. Reading other people's stories will help alot. You have the story down, but now the challege is writing it in a way to make us readers give a damn. I wish you the best of luck! I'll be checking your stories to see if you have made any progress! :D

this is horrible. really bad writting.

for your sake, and the sake of everyone's eyes and minds, please, PLEASE, never write again

i'm guessing that you're new to the whole Yaoi genre thing and I don't mean to be rude but I believe that you should do some research on the subject because your fic has promise but you have NO CLUE as to what you are trying to depict. The 1st thing I noticed was that you have Jack " fucking " himself which is anatomically impossible for a human and most other creatures in this world. In that situation the proper term would be fingering or preping himself and finger fucked is only if his partner/lover is doing it to him. You need to work on making it a bit smoother and less choppy; it may be a good idea to get beta reader in order to help. The other thing I noticed is that your sentance structure needs some work. You should re-read and revise your fic then post it and I can guarentee that you will get better reviews along with more people taking interest in your fic.

~ Yaoi Crazed Otaku ~

Not bad.. BUT. The word for rubbing someone's shoulders to ease tenseness is mAssage not mEssage. And males don't have vaginas, they have an ass.. I guess you're new to the whole 'gay sex' thing, eh? I'm not a guy, but I know that much.. Hope it helps you. You should look it over and fix the typos.