rate_review Reviews

Hey welcome back - it's great to see you posting another chapter in this excellent story.

So much has happened in this chapter for me to comment on - so let me say this - the storyline continues to thrill the reader - your words are moving and powerful and I love the ever developing relationships between all your characters.

Please post again soon.

Wow, what a great chapter to bring back the story. The fight scene was totally awesome, and the character development is still top knotch. Really interesting that even though Nala made it through the challenge (though with two less fingers) alright, she's probably at her lowest point since meeting the Yautja. You really bring out well the despair she is feeling, and how in her mind, Sya is probably the only one left that she believes truly cares for her.

Looking forward to seeing how things progress, keep up the great work. :)

It's wonderful to see you back with a really great update.

Oh my God. This chapter was incredible. I actually cried when Nala said her motto to Ras'Lech before she blacked out. It was really touching. And the fight scene was beautifully described. I was hanging onto every word, it was that intense. But Nala isn't paralyzed below the waist, right?
Ras'Lech is a very interesting character, you really bring him (and everyone else) to life. I'm curious to learn a little bit more about him.
Oh man now you're really developing Nala and Dom's relationship. Poor Dhy'oe'teka (sp?) though lol he was showing her his trophies. Who is this red and white striped yautja? Very curious. I'm sure you'll answer our questions though.
I always thought it was deja vu...do you know French?
But wow. Just wow. I was so excited to see that you had finally updated!! :) This was definitely worth the wait. Don't stop being talented!
-Cara

Poor Dhy, trying so hard to impress Nala with his trophies just to get shot down.

The fight scene was AWESOME!!!!! I wish mine came out like that.

Dammit I got so excited when I saw that this had been updated....
But I think I can wait for the time being.

Your story is damn good but [and I think most fans of your story will agree] that the spelling errors and stuff were hindering your story. Putting aside those errors there's only one thing that irked me, nothing major but:
I got a sense that Nala was being coddled somewhat in your story...and I say coddled because I can't think of a more appropriate word. I don't mean that her life is perfect because it certainly isn't, considering her past and all of her current dramas, but she just seems so invincible. I liked that but then the other characters all seemed to accept her with relative ease, she only rarely encounters someone who doesn't like her. And when she does she kicks their asses. Not that I mind that, of course not, but it seemed unreal to me. Even though she has physical qualities we would never possess in real life.. because she was an altered soldier (?) she just seems a little too perfect.
It's just my opinion that she should have more flaws that are realistic and would really bring her to life. She's a great, strong, humorous character by far, I really really like her. Just thought this might help you out hopefully. That's all the suggestions I have. I'm still lovin' your story :)
And good luck with your editing... I know how frustrating it is.

It's about time I reviewed. I'm kind of a couple chapters behind aren't I.

Anyway, I love how the story is progressing. The relationships are progressing, but not like some wild fire PWP. They are build up from a base and grow logically. Like how someone who started out hating Nala doesn't just turn around and suddenly start liking her.

The overall quality of your story is above average good/great. I'm sure that with the edits it will be bumped up into the excellent category.

Hi Nalani! This is my first time reviewing your work, so, err, HI! LOL

I must say that the story does look interesting, (I haven't finished it just yet by the way...) and I hope to reach the end of it soon. :) You do write in-depth chapters, which I appreciate since I myself like to read lengthy chapters with detail. :P It helps me dive into the story and "see" the action.

But, like most of my reviews, I tend to look at what could use some work. I have a couple of qualms with your story. (Sorry, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say so :) )

My first problem was your very first chapter. Your first chapter is your staple, your calling card. It is what will draw a reader in, or turn them off your story. Unfortunately, your first chapter is RIDDLED with grammatical problems. I can deal with the spelling, I don't know any author who doesn't sometimes struggle with this. After all, the chapters are long. :)

It is the fact that there are ENTIRE words missing from SEVERAL sentences. It also became even more difficult to make my way through the story because of the massive ten-twenty sentences you had per paragraph. Not only is it an English language no-no, but it's darn near difficult to become comfortable with your story's flow.

I don't know about those who've reviewed before me, no doubt they'd disagree with what I have to say, but I found it difficult to become enthusiastic about your characters because of these major issues. It has nothing to do with your plot or your characters. I do believe everyone when they say that your story is captivating. :-) I just don't think it's as good as it can be.

I hope you don't take this to harshly, as I do mean it with the outmost respect. It is difficult to write a story. Harder still to write a good one. I hope my review helps you make this better.

Adara Giovanni

While I find this story good it could be better.

Please have mercy on your readers and proof read your work. The spelling and grammar mistakes are many,sometimes overwhelming making the flow choppy. Granted we all have problems with this but you could have someone help you with it before you post.

I do not know if anyone has said this to you before but I do not want anyone to be put off by these mistakes, you have a good story. Please take these words to heart they are not meant to harm you only to help you.

I don't really have an opinion about your story just yet because I find it hard to read sometimes. The length of every chapter is impressive but the many grammar and spelling issues make it hard to concentrate on the story.

There is nothing wrong with editing something once you post; I have done it several times, no one is perfect. I know your chapters are long but since this work is being scruntinized by the public I think it would be a good idea to get a beta or have someone read it just to clean up the grammar and spelling.

I know that this story is loved and that is why I think you should rewrite it or edit the chapters. It has the potential for greatness without the mistakes. This is just my opinion Bluflame