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September 13, 2010 at 12:00 AM
hey, awesome story i just had a quick question. wut does S.W. stand for?
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August 19, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Didn't really like the idea fo Seth calling Shane "Sir". I GET the military kink, sure, but Seth's not even remotely militaristic; that's Lulu's thing. This would probably work as a non-con, but it really didn't work as a consensual sex story. The wording just really threw me off.
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May 28, 2008 at 12:00 AM
This was a very good story. Hot and cute. lol
This is the first time I ever read a story with "Vin Desel" and from the movie The Pacifier.
awesome.
This is the first time I ever read a story with "Vin Desel" and from the movie The Pacifier.
awesome.
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December 28, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I'm such a sucker for this pairing, and seeing new fics always makes my day. This was a very lovely, dramatic story with a nice touch of humour thrown in the mix.
The way you wrote Shane was very good, but Seth might have been a bit overexaggerated. Different kids act differently at 17, but the way he went from being nervous and unsure to revealing that it was an act and his certainty, especially during the sex, made the beginning and ending of the fic seem like two completely different stories.
Another thing that jumps straight at the reader is the dialogue. With so much of, it would be more viewer-friendly if you put it in separate chapters each, preferably also defining it a bit, as in "This," said Shane and "That," said Seth, since the way it is currently, it's easy to get confused over who said what.
Otherwise, this is a nice, juicy read and I'm glad that you decided to experiment with the pairing, giving us fans such a treat.
The way you wrote Shane was very good, but Seth might have been a bit overexaggerated. Different kids act differently at 17, but the way he went from being nervous and unsure to revealing that it was an act and his certainty, especially during the sex, made the beginning and ending of the fic seem like two completely different stories.
Another thing that jumps straight at the reader is the dialogue. With so much of, it would be more viewer-friendly if you put it in separate chapters each, preferably also defining it a bit, as in "This," said Shane and "That," said Seth, since the way it is currently, it's easy to get confused over who said what.
Otherwise, this is a nice, juicy read and I'm glad that you decided to experiment with the pairing, giving us fans such a treat.
schedule
December 17, 2006 at 12:00 AM
You want constructive criticism? Let's start with breaking up the dialogue. For instance, once Shane is done speaking and Seth replies, you should start another paragraph. Understand? Your dialogue runs together and it's hard to understand who is doing the talking. Breaking it up into paragraphs and possibly emphasising who is doing the talking, that helps. Example, "Blahblahblah," said Shane. Or "Oh yeah?" Seth asked. Things like that. There a hundred other little grammar lessons I could give you but that's all for today. Practice makes perfect, kiddo.