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September 16, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Wow! Ok, you got me hooked. I simply loved the way this chapter was structured. The opening paragraphs were perfect with the descriptions about Jack given from the person who'd know her best, her brother and served greatly to give the reader a good understanding of her and her background. I also love the whole relationship you've build between the family members and how they view one-another and themselves. I like how Ashley is incredibly complex, someone who understands his own weaknesses and believes himself to be good, when he most certainly is not, especially with the revelations this chapter, even though he does seem to somewhat genuinly care for his sister, or at least he thinks he does.
Heh, so Jack had to go and pick a fight huh? This should be very interesting, though I can't imagine they'd let them get far since they don't want them to be harmed to badly. And how on earth are they going to implement this "breeding" program? :)
Anyway, congrats, again you've gotten me hooked. The detail in your writing is very impressive and I definitely feel that I can picture the events in my head as I read them. I honestly did not notice many problems with spelling or other errors in this chapter and it all looked good to me. Perhaps there were a few but again, I honestly did not take note of them. Bravo!
-DGD
Heh, so Jack had to go and pick a fight huh? This should be very interesting, though I can't imagine they'd let them get far since they don't want them to be harmed to badly. And how on earth are they going to implement this "breeding" program? :)
Anyway, congrats, again you've gotten me hooked. The detail in your writing is very impressive and I definitely feel that I can picture the events in my head as I read them. I honestly did not notice many problems with spelling or other errors in this chapter and it all looked good to me. Perhaps there were a few but again, I honestly did not take note of them. Bravo!
-DGD
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September 13, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I like this story, I'm interested in where it's going and I like how you have a point of view for the predator, please update soon.
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September 11, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Great first chapter for your first story in the Predator fanfic world. I'm already liking your characters and how they are related to one another. At first I was confused, but then I enjoyed the little twist with the names for "Jack" and "Ashley". But I gotta admit, Jack sounds pretty tough. Heh, nice Pred nickname "Trunks" too, I'm interested in learning his story as well.
All in all, great start. I will definitely be reading more should more come. :)
-DGD
All in all, great start. I will definitely be reading more should more come. :)
-DGD
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September 11, 2009 at 12:00 AM
This is off to a very exciting start! I can't wait for you to continue it!
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September 10, 2009 at 12:00 AM
this is really good so far!
it's well detailed and interesting1
it's well detailed and interesting1
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September 10, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Excellent start on your first fic...welcome to the club. The flow of your story is excellent, as well as length (word count). You do have a shit load of typos which were kind of hard to wade through. Other than that, the story is very interesting and I love the details. I love the names and nicknames too.
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September 7, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Very intersting...I look forward to reading more on this story.