Something Inside

All Previous Disclaimers Apply.

Author’s Note: This chapter goes really fast and generally glosses over these two love affairs, but you’ll understand why later. Please drop a review if you have the time. Thanks, TH.


“What happened after they turned you?” Chad asked quietly, stroking Ryan’s hair gently.

“I got angry,” Ryan’s voice was so low Chad almost couldn’t make out the words, “More angry than I’ve ever been in my life. But, there was no undoing what Sharpay and Troy had done. They watched me carefully for the first couple of months to make sure that I wasn’t going to do anything stupid.”

“By stupid you mean…” Chad trailed off, but he knew Ryan knew what he was asking.

“Walking out into the sunlight,” Ryan confirmed.

“How does that work?” Chad asked, wanting to get Ryan’s mind somewhere other than a time when he was planning his own suicide.

“It’s not quite like the movies,” Ryan explained and his voice seemed a little lighter. Chad felt like he was finally able to breathe again and listened more comfortably, “We don’t turn into ash if the sun hits us or anything. But, it’s painful. It hurts like nothing else can hurt us anymore. It makes our bodies stiff, shuts us down. Eventually so much of us is paralyzed that we basically suffocate.”

“How long does that take?”

“It’s not instantaneous like popular myth would have you believe, but it doesn’t take long. A half hour in the full light will kill us.”

Chad swallowed harshly. He really didn’t want to ask this next question, but he needed to know, “Would you have done that, Ryan?”

“I was planning to,” Ryan admitted, “As soon as my sister and her lovers stopped watching me so closely I planned to walk out into the sun after they had fallen asleep for the day and let them discover my body the next night. It took two and a half months for Sharpay to trust me enough to let me out of her sight. If she had known that the night she did was the night I planned to be my last she never would have. But, something happened then that I had never anticipated.”

“What was that?”

“Another vampire, an ancient, much older than me, much wiser, saved my life. His name was Tristan. He pulled me back from the edge, quite literally.”

“I don’t believe stepping into the sun will improve your health any, pretty one.”

The voice was low and smooth, just behind him, and startled Ryan just enough that he jerked forward, falling toward the light that would kill him. He closed his eyes, ready for his death, not quite sure what to expect, when a pair of strong hands pulled him back into the deep shadows of the abandoned tavern he had chosen for his death. He had wanted to die just outside of the house he shared with his sister and her lovers, but he knew that if he tried to take his life there one of them would prevent him from doing so. He had been so sure of his location, so sure that no one would be there to stop him. He let out a frustrated scream as he realized he had been thwarted. All he wanted was to die in peace! Couldn’t he be left alone to do even that? Hadn’t he suffered enough?

“We all suffer, young one, before we die and after if you are of our kind.”

“How did you…” Ryan whirled on his would-be savior and froze. The vampire who had prevented him from taking his own life was stunning. It could not be denied. His eyes were the ice blue that all vampires carried, but they seemed somehow deeper, a little darker. His perfect features seemed carved out of marble, framed by curling auburn locks that ended abruptly at his chin. He was smiling at the moment, gently and it was like an angel was looking at him. Ryan couldn’t think of anything else to say, even when the other vampire took his hand and began running his thumb over the back of Ryan’s hand methodically.

“I can hear your thoughts, young one,” the other vampire’s voice washed over Ryan and he had to close his eyes against the pure emotion it brought up in him. Emotion he wasn’t ready to deal with, “As you grow in your new life you will be able to do it as well. Your sire can do it, I imagine. Has you sire told you nothing about these things?”

“I…haven’t given him much of a chance to do so,” Ryan admitted quietly, looking at the beautiful man in front of him for an intense moment met by the patience and gentleness he saw in the other’s eyes. He closed his eyes against it. This vampire must be using some kind of mind trick on him. Only moments ago he had wanted, more than anything, to end his miserable existence. Now, all he wanted was to fall into this vampire’s arms, to allow himself to be comforted.

“It’s no trick, pretty,” the voice was low and alluring again as a finger ran over his closed eyes, over his nose, over his lips and a hand came to rest in the hollow of his throat, “You never wanted it to end. Not really. You are grieving for a life that was never meant to be yours. You’re so beautiful. You were meant to be as I am, eternally young, eternally beautiful. Can’t you sense it? You were different in your human life. You always knew it. It was not just that you preferred the company of your own sex above that of the opposite. There was always something off in your heart. You always knew it, didn’t you?”

“Yes,” Ryan whispered, knowing that what the other vampire told him was true and could not be denied.

“I felt the same thing before I was turned,” The other vampire whispered and pulled Ryan into an embrace that Ryan went into quite willingly, burying his face in the juncture between his comforter’s neck and shoulder, “Won’t you tell me your name, pretty?”

“Ryan,” he whispered.

“Pretty Ryan,” the vampire rocked him a little, “My name is Tristan. I’m going to take care of you.” Ryan leaned further into Tristan and allowed himself to believe for the first time since he had been turned that this new life he never would have chosen for himself might not be the end of his world.

“Over the next five years, Tristan and I stayed with Sharpay, Gabriella, and Troy. Tristan insisted. I didn’t understand until much later that he did it for me. He knew there would be times when I would need something from my sister that he could not provide. Tristan, I learned from Gabriella months after he had moved in with us, was older than all of us. The exact year of his rebirth was not known, even to himself. There was no accurate year keeping at the time. The closest we were able to discover, he was turned around seven hundred A.D. You’ve heard the Tristan and Isolde legend? Or Tristan of the Knights of the Round Table?”

“Hmm,” Chad didn’t trust his voice. There was an ugly feeling rising in his chest that he knew was jealousy.

But, he had asked Ryan to tell him everything about his long life, so he would have to get used to it. Gabriella had told him that Ryan had had two loves before him. Tristan must have been the first. In a way he was torn. Tristan had saved Ryan’s life. That was something to be grateful for. But, he had a very sure feeling in his gut that he would feel much better if he found out that Tristan was no longer living.
He drew in his breath sharply when a sudden glimpse assaulted him of a beautiful vampire with curling brown hair. He assumed it was Tristan. He fought to control his breath when the pleasantly beautiful face was suddenly marred by hate in the eyes and a twisted sneer on the lips. This man, this vampire, had not left Ryan easily. He knew just as suddenly that Tristan was still alive. He prayed quickly that he would never meet him.

“Chad?” Ryan sat up quickly, placing his hand over Chad’s heart, “Are you alright?” Chad’s pulse was much faster than it should have been and he seemed to be trying much harder than he should have to in order to keep his breathing at a normal pace. Chad hadn’t kept things from him yet and he’d hate to think that Chad wouldn’t start it now that they were finally able to be completely open with each other.

“Fine,” Chad smiled, thinking fast, not wanting to worry Ryan unnecessarily. The world was a big place after all. What were the chances of meeting Tristan now? He pulled Ryan back down to him. Ryan went reluctantly, but Chad’s next words reassured him. “I just made the connection. That Tristan was your Tristan?”

“In a sense,” Ryan smiled, “Tristan was a warrior for a well known feudal lord before he was turned. He was a great warrior at the time and achieved much fame and recognition for his strength and valor until he fell in love with the wrong woman and was banished and nearly killed for it. His own sire, whose name no one knows, saved his life by turning him much as Troy saved mine. There was one major difference when it came to Tristan’s turning and mine, however.”

“What was that?”

“Tristan loved his new life. He loved the power it gave him over everything in sight. His thousand years hadn’t changed that. He hoped that I would love my new life in the same way he loved his. He never could quite understand how I could feel so guilty about killing when it gave him such a thrill. After arguing so many nights, we finally agreed to disagree and began to hunt in different circles, at different times. I was not in control those first few years and I did kill occasionally, no matter how hard I tried to stop before it became fatal to those I was feeding from. I never wanted to kill, Chad. I spent hours, days, in those first years, simply lying in my coffin, begging for an absolution that would not come from a god I no longer believe in.”

Chad sighed and snuggled a little, hating the tone in Ryan’s voice, but knowing there was nothing he could do to change it. What could he say to Ryan anymore, after all? Ryan had lived such a long, long time.

“How long did you stay with Tristan, Ryan?” he asked after a careful moment considering what his next move should be.

“Not long after that,” Ryan admitted, “Another five years. We bought a beautiful brownstone a few blocks away from Sharpay and the others. For a while, Tristan was very understanding that I would not be able to be far from my sister. But, after just a couple of years he began to get angry that I wouldn’t travel back to the Old World with him. He called me childish, not a true vampire, said that I acted as if Sharpay was more my mother than my sister. At first it was just little bites, little insults. Then, he began to dig into my hunting habits. He got so mean, so vicious in his remarks, despite the fact that he was never anything but gentle and sweet when he was happy with me. After a time I realized I just couldn’t live with Tristan anymore, knowing how he looked down on me for not wanting to kill those I fed from.”

“They’re nothing, Ryan!”

“They’re living beings, Tristan!”

“And we’re superior!”

“Just because we’re stronger does not make us superior, Tristan. How many times have we seen it? We hide in the dark while they walk about freely in the sun. If we’re so superior to them why are we so few?”

“That has nothing to do with it, Ryan. You know that.”

“Maybe it has everything to do with it, Tristan. And maybe I can’t do this anymore.”

“What are you saying, Ryan?”

“I’m saying I can’t be with someone who can think so little of me while professing to love me.”

“You’re not just saying you can’t be with someone, are you, Ryan? You’re saying you can’t be with me. You’re saying you’re leaving me, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Tristan. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“He was angry?” Chad asked, shivering slightly and trying to cover it up by shifting position. He didn’t quite manage it, but Ryan chose not to mention it.

“Very,” he admitted, remembering the way Tristan had torn through the house they had bought, tearing apart all of their beautiful things before leaping from the window. Ryan remembered him now fondly. Tristan had saved his life, taught him that there could be beauty in the night. Despite how things had ended between them, Ryan still held a distant affection for Tristan.

“Doesn’t that…I don’t know…worry you?”

“Not at all,” Ryan shifted so that he was laying on top of Chad and set his chin on his linked fingers, smiling when Chad set one hand to the small of his back and began massaging his neck with the other. Ryan practically purred from the back of his throat and found it a little hard to concentrate with Chad holding him so intimately, but forced himself to keep his thoughts on the current topic, “But, you have to understand vampires.”

“Explain it to me, then.”

“Vampires are so constant. Our bodies never change, the night never really changes. When you’re around long enough you come to discover that the world never really changes. A person changes, but people never really change. So, it’s hard for us to make changes in ourselves or have the ones we love change. I was still new enough to the life that it wasn’t nearly as hard for me to leave Tristan as it was for him to have me leave him. He thought, because we were both vampires and we were in love for a time, that we’d be in love forever. Like Troy and Gabriella. They were together nearly two hundred years before they turned Sharpay and the three of them have been together since.”

“What happened to Tristan after you left him?” Chad asked, holding his breath for Ryan’s answer.

“I haven’t heard from him since, though I hear of him through other vampires every now and again. He’s amassed a great fortune, as most of us tend to do over the years. He’s stays mostly on whatever continent I am not. I hurt him deeply enough that he will probably avoid me for the rest of eternity.” Ryan carefully schooled his features not to reflect the much stronger words to the contrary that Tristan has hissed at him just before they parted and continued with his story, “Just a few weeks after I left him, Troy and Gabriella took Sharpay and I to the old world to show us the beautiful architecture and the cultures, where they were born, things like that.”

“I bet you saw some amazing things,” Chad smiled, glad they were leaving the Tristan part of the story behind.

“I did,” Ryan agreed, “And I met some amazing people who would have an effect on the world I would never have anticipated at the time we knew each other.”

“I’ll bite,” Chad laughed, “Like who?”

“In Vienna we met a very rude little man and his very dull, simple wife. He was very popular with the royals of all the nations at the time. I never could quite understand how such a disgusting little man could write such beautiful music.”

“I’m chomping at the bit here,” Chad tugged on Ryan’s hair gently, laughing.

“His name was Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.” Ryan laughed at the look on Chad’s face and kissed him chastely because he was just so cute, “There were others. Some day I’ll tell you about all of them. But, time went on very much the same for years and years. I went out on my own for quite a while. Years. In the end I went back to Sharpay, Troy, and Gabriella. Just before the Great Depression hit America and the world, I joined them again. I always seem to find new relationships when I’m with them, though. I met Steven when I was with them.”

“Steven?” Chad asked, wondering why he didn’t feel the same apprehension or jealousy when Ryan brought up this other man that he had felt when they had been speaking of Tristan.

“You may have noticed, that I am not an ordinary vampire,” Ryan pressed a kiss to Chad’s chest and was rewarded with a kiss to the top of his head, “I fell for a human once before you as well. Steven was flashy, flamboyant, and so much fun. We had such great nights together in the bars where moonshine flowed and people were constantly waiting for a police raid. I told him what I was very early into the relationship, hoping for his sympathy, and he broke my heart.”

“He begged you to turn him, didn’t he?” Chad asked after a moment.

“From the moment he knew,” Ryan admitted, “I couldn’t understand how, after everything I’d told him, he still wanted to be like me. I wouldn’t give him what he wanted and neither would Troy, Gabriella, or Sharpay, so he left me. I finally realized just how much pain I had caused Tristan because Steven had caused me as much. I didn’t want to change at all. I finally understood.”

“And it still hurts,” Chad said quietly.

“Not nearly so much anymore,” Ryan smiled at Chad, “I told you we don’t change easily. But, with you now…anything is possible, everything is good. My heart is ready to move on. But, please, don’t ask me about Steven for a couple more years, Chad, until you’ve helped me heal my heart completely.”

“Whatever you want, Ryan,” Chad promised, “Take as long as you need. I’ll still be here. One question, though?”

“Hmm?”

“Will you still love me when I’m old? I don’t want to be a vampire, Ry, not at all. I’m selfish enough that after you’ve told me how much you hate it I don’t think I could ever want it. But, I do know that I want you. For the rest of my life I’ll want you.”

“Chad,” Ryan sat up and cupped Chad’s face in his hands, “Believe me when I tell you that I never want you to suffer as I’ve suffered. I will never change you. But, I will love you for the rest of time. I’ve known love before, but nothing like you. It will never change. Vampires are constant. Even when you’re old I will love you as I love you now. You’re going to die in my arms an old, old man. The morning after you’ve left me I will walk out into the sun so that I can be with you for the rest of time. But, that won’t be for a very, very long time. Understand?”

“A very, very, very long time,” Chad leaned up to kiss him, “I love you, vampire.”

“I love you, too, human man.”