Sweet Pandemonium

Jeff flicked on the light switch, illuminating his huge black and gold themed room. "You need to lie down." He told me, pulling back the covers and helping me sit on the bed.
"I cant. I cant. I cant." I repeated, not knowing what else to say.
"Why cant you?" Jeff knelt down in front of me and held onto my thighs, looking me deep into the eyes as if searching my soul.

"This dress. I cant lie in this dress." I tried to get up. He wouldn't let me. "Ive gotta go home." I was going to cry again. I had already cried in front of everyone I worked with, making a complete unprofessional ass out of myself, yet I couldn't stop them from coming.

"I'll get you some clothes, and you'll sleep here tonight." He stood up, going to the dresser and pulling out a pair of basketball shorts and a white, sleeveless undershirt. "They might be a bit big on you but it'll do for tonight." He said with a smile, running his hand over the top of my head sweetly before bending down and giving me a kiss on the forehead. "I'll take you home in the morning. Everything will be just fine, I promise."

I stood up, not really taking anything he was saying into account and not really caring. I tried to reach for the back of my dress, tried to get a hold of the zipper, but I just couldn't "Help." Was all I said, in the tiniest, most broken and pleading voice that I'd ever heard myself speak.

Without even asking Jeff came up behind me and undid the zipper. Slipping the straps off my shoulders I let the dress fall to my feet and Jeff had the decency to turn around as I got into his clothes and then crawled into his bed, pulling the covers up and around me like they would protect me.

Jeff sat on the edge of the bed, running his fingers over the side of my face and down my cheek repeatedly. "I promise you Angel, everything will be okay."
"I don't believe you." I finally said out loud, and rather angrily for my first real words spoken since screaming for help. "I don't want to do this anymore, Jeff. I cant!"

"What don't you want to do?"
"I don't want to deal with this anymore!" I exclaimed, using my arms to emphasize. "I have to quit."
"You cant quit, Angel!"
"Why not?" I said, furious now. "You know what? I loved this job in the beginning, and then I made the stupid mistake of falling for Johnny..." Everything was going to come spurting out, spilling everywhere like the vomit that came spilling out of Steve-O's mouth earlier that night. "And I made the mistake of sleeping with him!" Jeff didn't look surprised. He looked like he'd known everything I was telling him for a long time, and I wished it weren't true. "And then that fucker started to ignore me, so I slept with Bam to get back at him!"

I should have stopped myself there. I'd already told him way too much but there was no turning back. I had to keep going, I had to get this cancer off of my chest before it ate me from the inside out. "And then I was content with hating everyone until you came along, being all charming and sweet, and I thought I might actually have a shot with a nice guy.” I folded my arms over my chest, hating myself for admitting all of this. “And I might have been able to if I could get Johnny off of my mind for a god damn second!"

As if it were clockwork, there was a knock on the door at the end of that sentence; just as Jeff's always smiling face fell into a frown. "Can I come in!?" Johnny's voice called from behind the wooden door.
"Just a minute!" Jeff called back, placing his fingers back into the depths of my hair, he ran them through, trying to sooth me. "Remember how I told you that you should only worry about yourself?" He asked, and I nodded.

"Well, I lied," He said, forcing the smile back onto my face despite how much it killed him to do it. "You need to add Johnny onto that list."
"What do you mean?" I asked, my head tilting slightly to the side, I stared into Jeff's eyes; stared into that burning blue ocean now filled with sadness and heart break.

"Johnny loves you," He told me, saying everything that Johnny never could. "He came to me the morning after you two got together because I'm one of the only people he trusts. He told me how he was afraid of you; afraid of how much he likes you."

"I don't understand?" I questioned, another knock on the door.
"He hasn't had an actual relationship since he divorced his wife. He's afraid of who he is, and he's afraid of hurting you."

"That doesn't make any sense," I fought. "Why couldn't he just tell me?"
"He figured things had gone far enough, and he had to put a stop to them before one of you got hurt, no matter how much it killed him to do it." Jeff's eyes pleaded for me to believe him, they begged for me to run into Johnny's arms and live happily ever after, even if it meant he were miserable.

“I'm scared, Jeff.” I admitted although I didn't want to, and he wrapped his arms around me.
“I know you are,” He rubbed my back, soothing the aching tension in my shoulders. “Just trust me. I'm your director,” He laughed, holding me tighter. “I wouldn't try to hurt you unless the cameras were rolling.”

He pulled away and looked at me with that big, huge grin again and I couldn't help but crack a smile. Laughing, I wiped tears away from my eyes and he helped me also, letting them roll onto his pointer finger and then flicking them in the direction of the dresser to supply a laugh.

“Are you two fuckin'?” Johnny said, frantically pounding on the door.
“Jesus Christ, John!” Jeff called, jumping up from the bed, he opened the door and wiped off the corners of his mouth suggestively. “Cant we have a little privacy?”

Johnny looked past Jeff and found me sitting upright in his bed, dressed in an undershirt and shorts that were much too big for me. “Are you okay?” He asked, rushing past his friend and coming to my side. Johnny ran his fingers through my hair and down the side of my face as if checking to make sure I were still intact.

“I'm fine,” I laughed, forcing a smile. I was lying, of course I wasn't completely okay, but I would get there over time. “Everything will be fine,” I looked to Jeff, a smile on my face. “Someone close to me promised that, and I believe him.”

Jeff grinned back, crossing his arms and putting a hand up with a nod to say goodbye before backing out of the room and closing the door behind him. “I'm just a little shaken up about Bam, that's all.” I told Johnny, the smile never leaving my face.

“But im glad you're here, now.”
Johnny paused for a second, the corners of his lips starting to creep up into that same charming smile that I hadn't seen in what felt like ages. “Angel, listen...” He began, pulling at the covers with his fingers – he ran his open hand against the black suede.

“I'm so sorry,” He continued, putting his face into his palms. “I'm so sorry for everything I did.”
“It's okay,” I grabbed onto his shoulders and pulled him down so that his head rested snugly upon my breast. “I know everything, and I understand. It's fine.”
Quiet shutters were spent over his spine and I prayed he wouldn't start crying for I knew I would break down too, and to be quite honest I'd done enough crying for myself and most of the crew in the last hour.

“How do you know?” He questioned, looking up and into my eyes. I finally felt close to him again – like I knew he was home, and not going anywhere for a good, long time.
“Shh,” I shushed him, giving him a loving kiss on the lips. “It's not important. All that matters is that I want to be with you, and you want to be with me.”

“But...” He began to interrupt but I stopped him with another kiss to the lips before he could continue.
“Just let it be.”

Johnny grabbed me by the back of the head and pulled my face towards his; kissing me passionately before easing me down and wrapping the covers around me, then crawling into the bed and curling up beside me.

He wrapped his muscled arm around my middle and held me there, his steady breaths calming my feeble body, and for the first time in a long time, I truly believed that everything was going to be just fine.