More Than Eyes Alone Can See
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“In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop until against
our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of
God.” Tess awoke with a start from
the dream. It wasn’t that it had been a
nightmare, but that it had struck much too close to home for her comfort.
having dreams that tried to justify themselves.
“I never did like Aeschylus,” she muttered to herself, thinking of the
quote that had awoken her. There was
something about regarding pain as a form of God’s grace that disturbed
her. If
she was any judge of time at all, she had perhaps an hour before-
settled it once and for all – Tess couldn’t judge time to save her life.
herself off the couch, instead taking the opportunity to stretch.
pull and burn as her two wounds quietly informed her that they would like a bit
more time to heal before she demanded a great deal of elasticity from them, she
gave a mental apology.
As she lurched to
her feet like one of the undead, Tess glanced around the darkened room.
as had so many of the small houses she’d habitated in the past few years – but
she would not be sad to leave it behind.
feeling the pull to settle down and leave the violence of the cartel
behind. The only thing that had kept her
from obeying that call had been the continual stream of injuries that the
cartel had left in its wake. Now that
fat father and his chosen successor were both dead, she didn’t have that reason
to wander. She was free for the first
time that she could remember to leave
and all it had come to represent to her behind.
To settle down somewhere that didn’t hold any memories for her.
Angeles
Time to go.
Earlier in the day,
as twilight had fallen over Culíacan, Tess had packed the few bags they’d
need. Two cases of clothes for the
children, one for her, one for Sands, and the truck with her medical
supplies. In a backpack in the front of
the rented minivan was a small cache of food and water, and a prepared bottle of
formula for Selena. With any luck, none
of this would be needed. One of the
reasons Tess had planned their departure for one o’clock in the morning – other
than the extra level of secrecy it would grant – was the hope that the children
would be so tired that they’d sleep right through the nearly four hour drive.
Once she was back
inside the house, Tess patiently roused the older children from their sleep and
ushered them across the hall, through her bedroom, to the bathroom.
ignoring the protests against any need to use the restroom.
any signs of waking up on his own. He
didn’t, but that didn’t mean anything.
Over the past for days she’d taken on many a task thinking that her
patient was resting peacefully, only to be unpleasantly surprised later on when
she turned to do something else and found Sands spooking around in the
background. And always with a superior
smirk on his face. She swore he had
spent hours in front of a mirror perfecting that smirk.
Then, of course,
every once in awhile one of the children would catch Sands as he prowled and
skulked, but they seemed just as delighted with the game as Sands was.
when Tess would start with surprise to find someone so close behind her.
out of the shower yesterday morning to find Sands seated comfortably on the
closed toilet, a look of patient expectation on his face.
closed again, ignoring the fact that her patient had no eyes and therefore
couldn’t see that she was naked. She
couldn’t help feeling that it was bad enough that he was able to guess that she
showered in the nude, without actually being in the same room with him when she
was. Tess knew it was irrational, but
that was the way she felt.
Only little Selena
was her ally in avoiding these unpleasant reminders that while she hav have a
brought a disabled man into her home, she hadn’t brought an incapable one.
she caught sight of the man. But for the
most part, Tess was alone in her desire to avoid catching a glimpse of her
houseguest.
for the last child to finish their business.
I’m, if not scared to death of the
man, then I’m at the very least extremely wary of him.
their entertainment. They’re fascinated
by him, but not intimidated. I wonder
why that is? You’d think that will all
his bandages and cold mannerisms, that they’d leave him alone.
Me, the one who’s tended all his wounds and watched him sleep – the one
who’s seen him at his most vulnerable – I’m the one that finds herself
intimidated by him.
the bathroom, and Tess set aside her thoughts for more immediate action.
Herding her sleepy
charges like a mother hen with reluctant chicks, Tess got the kids out of the
house and into the van where there were pillows and blankets already waiting
for sleepy heads. Being a doctor down to
her very marrow, Tess made sure that all the children were fastened into
seatbelts, no matter their inclination to lie down and sleep.
to accident victims who weren’t wearing their seatbelts to compromise on this
issue. Luckily, the kids
to get their limp little bodies to do what she wanted.
As she headed back into
the house, rubbing bar bare arms against the cool night air, Tess glanced up at
the night sky. She sighed as she took a
brief moment to stargaze. Here, within
city limits where the ambient light blotted out the dimmer stars, Tess could
almost believe that each one was isolated in its own bit of sky, each free to
exist without the interference of the others.
Each surrounded by darkness, yet thriving.
themselves, yet alone. “I’m always
alone. Right now I just want to be alone
by myself.”
“You know, talking
to yourself is one of the first signs that you’re well down the path to going
loco.”
Tess didn’t know
why she was startled. Somewhere in the
back of her mind she told herself that she should have known better; that Sands
couldn’t have possibly slept through four people (three of whom were children)
tromping through the room where he was sleeping.
She turned her
fr
from the stars to where he was standing on the porch.
the Day of the Dead. His clothes weren’t
necessarily form-fitting, so his lean form lacked the aura of danger that had
covered him that day, but he was still a hard man to overlook.
a light grey t-shirt, and a blauit uit coat.
He had a cream colored hat on his head, and the brim, while somewhat
misshapen from being in a suitcase for so long, was still able to shade part of
his face.
“Did you hear me,
or are the voices in your head drowning out everything else?”
something? To cover her discomfort
and preoccupation, she replied as best she could under the circumstances.
being mad.”
“Is that a fact?”
their teens should be able to sound that
disbelieving. Something about the
drawl he had used sent shivers down Tessa’s spine.
week’s worth of facial growth he’d had her shape into a crude goatee.
been drd ind in a pair of Looney Tune boxers and a tank top.
Again trying to
cover her lack of response, Tess nodded.
Her eyes were caught once again by the stars overhead, and another quote
she had memorized rose to the forefront of her mind.
anything, but it is wrong. No matter how
fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is
waiting for it.” She was unsure whether
she was talking about the stars or her own precarious mental state.
then we’ll be ready to go. Do you need
to use the restroom before we go?”
“Gee, ma, I think
I’m old enough to use the john before I wet myself.”
other; the battered pair of running shoes he was wearing made scuffling sounds
against the wooden slats of the patio.
In a less mocking voice he added, “I’m not one of your adoptive orphans,
niña, so you can drop the act.” There
was a tone of warning to his comment, but it wasn’t obvious enough for Tess to
catch with hher her mind elsewhere.
Resisting the urge
to ask ‘what act,’ she queried, “Do you have any family you want me to call to
come look after you?” Sands didn’t
answer, but his face and body grew very still.
Tess wa sev several more seconds before continuing, “Then you
already accepted the responsibility.
I’ll admit that you’re more capable of looking after yourself than the
children, but I do feel responsible for your well-being.
that she and Sands identified at the same time.
Oh god.
it to?
panic that Sands would press her for more, but he didn’t.
later. wouldn’t want to forget the baby.”
Sands heard skittering footsteps as Tess hurried past him
and into the house. And frankly, he was
relieved. Over the past four days, Sands
had spent a lot of time listening to Tess.
He’d listened as she worked, listened as she told stories to the kids, listened
as she hummed aimlessly, listened as she spent time teaching English to Marcos
and whichever of the other kids who could sit still long enough for the
lesson. He had listened as she spoke in
endless riddles to herself, listened as she confirmed details with her friend,
and listened with muted delight as she jumped every time she found him hovering
behind her. Through all this listening,
he’d figured out several things about her character; she was a bit high-strung,
she’d obviously spent a lot of time reading to know so many quotes and stories,
she was extremely patient almost to the point of being spineless – the only
time she’d scolded him for lurking had been the time he’d surprised her in the
shower – and she had an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
her going to bed before everyone in the house was settled for the night, nor
could he remember her putting off doing something simply because she didn’t
like the idea of doing it.
Sands had also noticed
Tessa’s nervous ticks. The way she
tapped her fingers if he questioned her about something he’d overheard and was
willing to get upset over if she gave him provocation, the continued hesitance
in her step whenever she entered a room he was already in, the way she
straightened whatever mess happened to be nearby if he brought up the cartels
or the Day of the Dead, and her continued and growing dependence on quotes to
carry on a conversation.
It was that last
that had intrigued him the most. She seemed
to constantly need some sort of audio stimulation.
way through the past days, he had started to wonder if she even knew that she
did it. If she wasn’t making any sounds
herself, then there was usually a TV or radio on somewhere in the house
providing white noise. Sands would give
anything to learn what she was trying to avoid hearing.
and nonsensical quotes?
she’s just so old that she’s half deaf.
ask people to repeat things.
shrug. Maybe it’s got something to do
with all those pills she takes day and night.
Too bad you can’t snoop in her medicine cabinet.
read the labels.
Sands tried to
ignore the voice, irritated that it had decided to latch onto this topic.
of the reasons he’d spent so much time brushing up on his ability to remain a
part of the background while hearing everything of importance – well, that and
a knowledge that a thorough understanding of the layout of this new ‘beat’
could come in handy should any unwanted guests come knocking before they left.
think that you were distracting me, Sands.
I was just waiting until I had your full attention.
there, with Barillo and all. And most
people would say that having your eyes drilled out of their sockets with sharp
instruments is rather permanent.
Yourself included. I remember
when you were content to simply kill as many of the cartel as you could before
you bit the dust. But now you think that
a scatterbrained and most likely insane Mexican señorita is going to be able to
help you change all that.
voice let out a low, nasty chuckle.
I’d advise you not to get your hopes up Shel-don.
on a first name basis for some time to come.
continued. Of course, being blind in the
better than being blind in some little town in
and Welfare.
fucked us both over a week ago when you had to go and share your plan with that
bitch you were bedding. Not your
smartest move.
“Ready to get
moving?”
Sands spun around
as if she had caught him off guard. As
he did so, he started to lost his balance, so it was with his arms flailing in
the arm that he demanded, “What the hell did you just say?”
Tess looked at her
patient oddly for a few seconds, amazed that she’d actually managed to startle
the master of surprise. She also
wondered just what he’d been thinking that had caused him to reply to her so
violently. “I know what I am fleeing
from but not what I am in search of.”
Who knew what was going on in that head that had so recently been blinded.
Was is her
imagination, or did the set of Sands’ shoulders relax a fraction before he
said, “I don’t know what you’re trying to imply chiquita, but if you’re telling
me that you’redy tdy to go, then don’t let me stop you.
better than I do.”
Careful not to wake
the baby on her shoulder, Tess shrugged and stepped off the low porch, her
footsteps firm. If Sands wasn’t going to
ask for help, she wouldn’t offer any.
Well, not beyond the cautionary warning she gave everyone who knew she
was here: “Be careful of where you step – there’s a lot of holes.”
house had actually been alive, but it had been allowed to grow freely.
hid all the holes lying in wait for the unwary.
She herself had managed to twist her ankle the first week after she’d
moved in. Sands didn’t answer her, but
she noticed that he was walking directly behind her.
rocky earth, making her steps a bit more audible.
“So, where’d you go to school, señorita?”
Tess glanced over
at the man half reclined in the passenger seat.
They’d left the city behind some twenty or thirty minutes ago.
was mostly deserted, and the classical music she had playing on the radio
didn’t do much to relieve the silence coming from the back seat or the hum of
the car as is rolled over the pavement.
Returning her eyes to the road, she answered, “I went to school in the
states.”
From the corner of
her eye, she saw hiip hip her off.
“Yeah, you’d said that much already.”
“Then why are you
asking me again?”
“Let’s just say I
have nothing better to do than to poke my nose in your business.”
Tess was quiet for
a moment before commenting, “Of all men’s miseries the bitterest is this, to
know so much and to have control over nothing.”
That stung.
condition. He’d known all about the
cartel’s plans, and the movement of Marquez’ army, and of “El’s” grudge.
loyalties. Which brought him to his next
point. an>“an>“Knowledge is power, if you know
it about the right person.” Sands liked
that quote, considered it one of his creeds.
A person could get away with murder if only he knew the right information
about the right people.
“Knowledge without
conscience is the ruination of the soul.”
“I thought we had
already discussed that particular subject.”
Tess didn’t answer, which Sands assumed meane die didn’t have a quote
for that particular comment. He waited
for her to go on the defensive again, and when she didn’t he took that as
unwilling acceptance for him to question her.
“So, where did you go to school?”
“Harvard.”
as food is pulled from the hand of a starving man.
Impressed, Sands
raised his eyebrows, then regretted it as the move caused the fine cotton weave
of the bandages to send pathways of fire around and into his empty
sockets. Holding back a gasp, he asked,
“A Crimson are you?”
Tess didn’t like
the breathless qty tty to her patient’s voice, but knew another offer of
painkillers would be turned down. Sands
didn’t want to be hopped up on drugs, afraid that it would impair his mind and
senses. She understood, but disagreed; pain
could alter reality as surely as the most effective painkiller.
for school spirit.” Maybe if I keep talking, he’ll settle down and be able to focus on
something else. Although if things get
worse, I’ll talk him into taking something.
“That’s not to say I didn’t go to a game or two.
t’d t’d you go
for?”
“Let’s see . . .
.” Did she really want to tell him?
“Who’s ‘we’?”
clasclass=MsoNormal> “Me and Logan.room, and stole their mascot’s costume.
And another time we replaced half the baseballs for a play-off game with
balls we’d hollowed out and filled with . . . umm, I think we used
companion was doing a poor job of smothering his laughter.
get-away car after
a bunch of our friends into mooning the field-hockey team.”
“
me started on my daily jogs. I
discovered I needed them to build up enough stamina to outrun angry athletes,
among other nearly felonious reasons.”
“Why,
chiquita. I didn’t know you had it in
you.”
Tess was focused on
passing a semi, so wasn’t thinking when she answered, “After so many years at
the compound I had a lot of stuff in me.
Mainly an overwhelming sense of freedom whenever it was granted.
“Compound?”
Sands’ voice wasn’t
necessarily loud or heavy with peril, but it carried a hint of suspicion that
was sharper than the finest scalpel.
Tess realized what she had just said, and cursed herself.
cover her tracks, but she found herself unable to do so.
truth would destroy any chance of helping him that she had.
I told you that I was taken in by the cartel as a child.
near a forest as a young child, when I was three or four.
cartel, and that’s when I was moved from my home to the compound.
somewhere on the edge of a rain forest-like area, and she remembered the move
to the cartel’s main compound. The only
obscure bit was the part about her father – she didn’t think it was wise to
mention that he’d become the new leaafteafter killing his uncle, and that he’d
decided that she could fill a role for his own successor.
long-term. How this man had managed to
throw a monkey wrench into his plans, she still couldn’t fathom.
up. And if you wanted to survive, you
grew up fast.”
“You knew Armando
Barillo? Personally?”
one that warned her that she was balancing on a blade of ice.
acts. She could handle this one.
es'> “No.
enough to him to actually know him.”
Again, all true. Despite the fact
he’d donated half her genetic makeup, she’ver ver known the man.
her for some reason she couldn’t fathom.
She’d seen how harsh he could be, how cruel, how unforgiving.
than that. There had to have been some
side of him that he had shown to Ajedrez that had made the other woman so loyal
and devoted to him. Tess just wasn’t
sure what that side was. “All the time
that I was with the cartel, I just tried to avoid him.”
After the first
time, that was. She’d been barely five
years old when she’d been summoned to the compound in the foothills of the
Sierra Madres. Her nurse had told her
that her father had asked her to come, that he finally wanted to meet his
daughter, and she’d been so happy. And
beinginnoinnocent, she’d run up to the man once he’d been pointed out to her,
and she’d tried to hug him. What she’d
gotten for her trouble was a broken wrist from being thrust away from the only
parent she knew of. She hadn’t even
cried, she’d been so stunned, so bewildered.
What had she done?
At times, Tessa
still wondered that. Twenty-five years
later, and she still couldn’t figure out what she’d done to be treated so
harshly. Maybe it was just some flaw
less visible than her blue eyes. A layer
of dirt that didn’t show on her dusky skin.
Some sort of invisible failing that followed in her very shadow.
wild with my first taste of freedom. It
didn’t matter that it was limited. It
was still better than anything I’d felt before in my life.”
“Are you telling me
that there’s a wild girl hiding somewhere under that professional exterior of
yours?” So full of twists, his little angel of death.
out – that he’d managed to ferret out all her motivations and thinking
processes – she added another jumbleyer yer to her psyche.
actually been raised in the very bosom of the cartel.
marijuana farm somewhere, then had been sent away for training when it became
apparent that she had an aptitude or interest in medicine.
shadow of none othean tan the cartel leader himself.
of. And she wasn’t helping him unravel
the puzzle.
When several
minutes went by without Tess answering his somewhat suggestive question, Sands
tried another approach. “So you don’t
follow the old team?”
“No.
few friends I kept from college. I was
never much of a team player. It’s just
that sometimes I found it was better to be around others than it was to be
alone. Silence has a way of being too
loud at times.”
It was true that silence could be loud.
discomfort that the drive was causing, questioned Tess about her background,
history, musical preferences, and scores of other topics.
to answer out of a feeling that doing so would endanger her plans to help
Sands. Others she ignored because she thought that an honest answer would
simply give away more than she was willing to reveal to this man.
right people was power, then he obviously thought that she needed to be kept
under a tight rein.
His interrogation
had lasted most of the four hour drive, but it was the intermittent silences
that were distressing her the most. She
knew that with every question she didn’t answer, he gleaned something else
about her. She would have preferred he
didn’t talk at all, but the silence of the empty car was too much for her to
stand. So she had listened to the man’s
questions, and answered when it suited her.
It was with a
strong sense of relief that Tess pulled into the parking lot of a motel on
Mazatlán’s outskirts. From its
appearance, she guessed that it was a step below a Motel 6.
importantly vacancies – so she parked the van and went inside to see about
renting a room.
Using her own fake
ID to get the room and using cash to pay for it, Tess returned to the van with
two room keys and several complementary bottles of water.
said, “This seems to be as good a place as any to stay for a few hours until
it’s time to meet the plane at the airport.”
“What time are we
supposed to meet the plane?”
“Umm . . .
And it’s about
now. I thought this would be a good
place to keep the kids entertained. They
can swim, and watch TV. And you can get
some sleep.”
“I’ve gotten a bit
more sleep that you have, niña.” It
seemed as if he had spent more of the past week asleep than awake, and the
inactivity grated on him.
“I’m fine.
Of course she would
say that. “How many hours of sleep have
you had in the past two days?” If she
insisted upon being stupid, then the least he could do was give her hell for
being so.
Tess took a moment
to think about his question. Upon
reflection, the number was disturbingly low.
“How many,
chiquita? How many hours in the last
forty-eight have you spent with your eyes closed?”
“Seven or
eight.” Actually, eight hours was
pushing the limits of believability, but it sounded better than six.
“Tired people make
mistakes, niña. And now really isn’t the
time to risk being stupid.”
“And if I go to
sleep, who will watch the children? I
took them in for a reason, señor.
They’re my –”
“Your
responsibility,” he interrupted. “You’ve
mentioned that a time or two. What good
are you to them if you start hallucinating because of sleep deprivation?
better than to run yourself ragged.”
“Not all
hallucinations are caused by a lack of sleep, señor.
voices. I’ll be fine.
to the room, or would you like to join us?”
Sands
shrugged. Under normal circumstances, he
wouldn’t give a damn if la chiquita wanted to gamble with her mental
health, but these were anything but normal circumstances.
wellbeing depended on this woman keeping her wits about her.
endeavor for her on a daily basis without throwing in a lack of sleep.
care if she stayed up until she had mental breakdown – right now he had to make
sure she got in a nap at some point before they left for the airport.
“I’ll come with
you.” For the first time, Sands blessed
being in close quarters with this odd woman.
It would be easier to wear her down.
Or knock her unconscious.
Whatever the situation may call for.
Despite her resolution to remain awake for the nine or so
hours before they had to leave for the airport, Tess dozed off once or
twice. Sands, to her consternation, was
sticking close to the group. She’d
expected him to stay in the room, recovering from the drive and listening to
the news, or something like that.
Instead, he shadowed her down to the pool when the kids decided they’d
had enough of cartoons.
It was sitting by
the pool that had gotten her in trouble.
The kids were perfectly content to entertain themselves with water
games. The wife of the hotel manager had
dug out a small wading pool that she and Tess filled with a few inches of water
for Selena to play in. Sands was sitting
in a nearby deck chair, the bandages off of his face for the first time,
sunglasses firmly straddling his nose, suit coat left in the room in diffidence
to the warm sun. Unless someone removed
them, they wouldn’t know that he was blind; he appeared to be watching the kids
like any responsible adult would. Tess,
sitting in another chair – one that required one to lounge more than sit
upright – had dozed off as the sun made her comfortably warm.
The first few times
she had caught herself sliding towards sleep, she jerked her head upright, and
held her eyes wide open. Sleep wasn’t an
option at the moment. Just because she
had reason to believe that they hadn’t been followed from Culíacan to Mazatlán
was no reason to stop being vigilant.
The cartel still had employees in the area, and it was possible that one
or two of them would know her. After
waking herself up for the fifth time, Tessa had gotten up and walked around,
making several laps around the small courtyard.
It kept her awake for about ten minutes after sitting back down.
Tess finally gave in, her eyes sliding shut against the sun’s glare.
The sun was
hot. It was always hot.
blindfold. Tess couldn’t have been more
than fourteen or so at the time, and she was well used to living without her
sight, but there had been a thunderstorm the night before, and she had thought
that just once – just once – it would be nice to watch lightning split the sky
without it being a punishment. She’d
waited until the height of the storm had passed, waiting for her father to show
up and remove the blindfold to make her watch, but he never came.
scrap of silk-lined canvass from her eyes.
She was smart enough not to open them for several minutes.
her retinas, causing more pain that was believable.
passed for her eyes to adjust, she’d opened them a crack.
mountains, providing a dramatic backdrop to the craggy heights.
Or at least it
had been a few hours before. Now Teresa
had been out in the sun all day long without shade, water, sunscreen, or
relief. Her skin was red with sunburn,
her mouth was too dry for her to talk, and her head ached with the glare of the
sun on the white-granite courtyard. Her
head was fuzzy, her thoughts so scrambled that she could have sworn she was
hearing voices. Well, not voices
exactly, just the one that normally whispered in the back of her head.
to hide from herself. Most of the time
she thought this was her conscience and that everyone had to put up with its
interfering. But now she wasn’t so sure.
Hello Teresa.
lonely. Why don’t you talk to me?
about telling a voice in your head that you didn’t want it there.
She wouldn’t. She no longer
thought this was normal. Perhaps this is
why her father didn’t love her. Don’t
you want to be my friendresaresa? No
she didn’t wantbe ibe its friend. If
you’re not my friend, then I’ll make you my enemy.
me and ignore everything else. Come
play, come play, come play . . . .
No. No, she didn’t want to
play. She wanted to be normal.
“No.” Sands heard the
quiet yet insistent desperation in Tessa’s voice.
“What’s wrong,
niña?”
“No.
Please. I don’t want to listen
any more.” She wasn’t talking to him and
her voice was getting louder. Cursing,
Sands pulled a gun out of his pant pocket, and demanded, “Kid, left or
right?”
had sent Tess into a panic, then they were in serious trouble.
“What are you
talking about, señor?” It dawned on
Sands that while Tess sounded distressed, the kids were still playing.
of a problem.
“Never mind, go
back to whatever you were doing.” The
woman was having nightmares again. Did
she ever manage to sleep and not have them?
man who couldn’t remember the last time he’d woken up and not been in a cold
sweat.
Cautiously walking
forward, Sands advanced on Tessa’s position, pistol still at the ready just in
case there was some threat that the kids hadn’t identified.
chair. But before he could locate her
with his hand, she jerked upright in her chair, slamming into his arm; his
bullet wound complained at the rough treatment.
“Oh, God.”
praying, not cursing. “Not now.
“Take what?”
into him when she’d woken up? Or had the
blow been relegated to the realm of sleep?
“Nothing.
I’ll be fine.” Tess remembered
Sands suggesting that a lack of sleep would produce hallucinations.
that she didn’t fear the hallucinations that came when she was awake.
that she feared had come, had started one summer day in Mexico as she’d started
to fall asleep under the sun. And she
still hadn’t managed to wake up.
The voice in the
back of her head laughed.