House on the River

Chapter 13: Acceptance and Regret

Arriving just minutes before Na Na back at her room, Kira’s heart was pounding in fast, steady thumps. She took in a deep breath, casually opening her refrigerator door, looking for anything that might calm her racing pulse. Not finding anything that was to her liking, she closed the door, and paced the room back and forth. Noticing the latest edition of Elle magazine lying on her coffee table, she picked it up and began to skim through the pages. Ten minutes had passed, and a little less than half way back to a quiet state of mind, she heard two loud thumps on the side door to her apartment. Leaping off the sofa and sprinting towards the door, she opened it. Without even saying hello, she grabbed Na Na by the wrist, and pulled him inside, nearly knocking them both off balance in the process.

“Sorry, I just didn’t want anyone to see you, that’s all.”

“It’s alright, I think I’ll manage,” he replied, trying to reclaim his stability. He could see the pangs of anxiety written all across her face.

“Um, do you want anything to drink?” She asked casually, trying to maintain a look of relaxed poise. Despite this facade she attempted to portray, Na Na was already well aware of her disquiet, although he pretended not to notice. Had he himself been in a collected state of mind, he would have found this display of hers almost amusing. That of course was not the case; in spite of the usual calm demeanor he always attempted to show.

“Sure. What do you have?”

“Soda, sweet tea, milk, Smirnoff Ice, rum and coke...”

“Those last two choices sound pretty good,” he replied, smiling at her. “I’ll that last option. You suggest you have something similar.”

Kira paused, looking at him curiously, instantly questioning his motives. Was he attempting to get her drunk? She had considered asking him this, when it dawned on her by her actions how she must appear to him. With a small hint of laughter, she replied, “You’re probably right. Look at me. I’m a complete mess.”

“You’re not a mess. Just thought a drink might help you relax a little, that’s all. I know I could use one.” He flashed her that uncertain smile she had become so familiar with.

She nodded, inhaling a deep breath. She went into the kitchen, and made two drinks each for the both of them, carefully making sure hers was not too strong. They both sat down on the sofa next one another, sipping their drinks in silence, eyeing each other peculiarly.

“God, this is fucked up.” Kira finally announced, resting her elbows on her knees and briefly putting her head in her hands. She grinned at him with a sideways glance, a nervous giggle escaping from her breath.

“I know,” Na Na replied, returning the smile. It was a rare thing to hear her curse.

Finishing his drink in a matter of two large gulps, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes, and put one in his mouth, but not yet lighting it. He held the pack out to Kira, offering her one as well. She simply shook her head. “No, I’m fine. Thanks though.”

“They’re good for relieving stress. Are you sure you don’t want one?”

Kira laughed again. “What would give you the impression I’m under stress?”

“Well, if you’re not, then you must have a will of steel,” Na Na replied, chuckling honestly.

She eyed the cigarette once more. “Alright. I’m sure at this point it’s not going to cause any harm.” She took one, and as Na Na lit the both of them, she inhaled deeply. She had to admit it did make her feel slightly better. Sighing deeply, she chirped, “I get it. You’re trying to corrupt me now.”

“Yeah, I suppose that’s what I do best. I’ve never been good at much else.”

Her smile instantly faded. Although she knew his last statement was in jest, it was also probably true. Noticing her change in demeanor, he responded again. “You’re different from me, Kira.” He paused, searching for the words he needed to continue.

Her grin instantly reappeared. “Really? Tell me something I don’t already know.”

His face returned her expression of amusement. “Well, that’s the obvious part, yes. What I mean is what I said to you before. You’re everything I not, and could never be. I don’t know how else to describe it. Six months ago I couldn’t stand the sight of you. Now you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes upon.”

She looked at him intently, understanding the sincerity in his expression. “I don’t think we’ll ever understand it, Na Na. I would tell myself I don’t want your phone call, and I don’t want to see you. Then you show up out of nowhere as you always do, and I can’t help but admit that’s exactly what I wanted.” He smiled at her seductively, his eyes meeting with hers before running up and down the length of her body. Instantly understanding the thoughts that were running through his mind, her already racing heart pounded faster yet. Still, she wanted to continue this conversation, and was able to suppress the seemingly unrelenting urges dwelling inside of her, at least for the time being. “My life here has turned out so different than I could have imagined it. Never in a million years did I think we would end up this way. It wasn’t supposed to be you.”

“Who, then?” The words came out only as an automatic response. The answer, however, instantly dawned on him after he had asked the question.

“Never mind. I don’t want to discuss that.” Her expression became cold, as her thoughts turned to that of Jen. It was rare for Kira to even catch his presence lately, mainly due to her own avoidance rather than his. Still, she couldn’t help but imagine the unbearable devastation he would suffer if he were to know whom she was with at this particular moment.

“Hit a nerve, did I?” Her silence on the subject only made him all the more curious.

“Please, Na Na. None of that matters.”

“It was that other gelfling, wasn’t it? The dark haired one - Jen is his name, I believe.”

An icy look shadowed her face as her eyes narrowed. She did not know why he wanted to push this topic at the moment, but that’s what was happening, nonetheless. “Why is this so important that we talk about this right now?”

“Why is it such a big deal that we can’t? It’s only a question, Kira.” Of course any polite, courteous person at the sight of her discomfort would have dropped the topic. Being true to his nature however, ideas such as these always eluded him.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it!” she shouted, her eyes like daggers thrust squarely upon him. Abruptly realizing the harsh tone spilling from her mouth, her expression softened slightly. Na Na only nodded, waiting for her to continue, as Kira eyed him intuitively with an all-knowing look upon her face. “I get it now. You’re jealous.” He could see almost a hint of a smile, as much as she tried to hide it. Seeing he still had no reply, she continued. “Look Na Na, I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about regarding that subject. It’s been over between us for awhile now.”

“I know, I don’t mean to pry. But he is the only other of your kind, after all.”

“Yes, he is, isn’t he,” she replied. A sad, mournful expression shadowed Kira’s face, as she gave him a guarded look.

He closed his eyes briefly, and let out a heavy sigh, looking towards the floor. “What happened, then?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell,” She acknowledged, letting out a deep breath. “I just don’t feel comfortable discussing this with you. Then again, I don’t feel comfortable discussing a lot of things with you. But today I made a choice. I guess that means I need to get past that – for both our sakes.”

“Was it me?” Na Na asked, getting straight to the point.

She thought about this for a moment, attempting to come up with an answer. She honestly couldn’t say, whether it be out loud or to herself. She scanned the past weeks and months in her head, trying to figure out exactly when it was she ended their relationship. “I broke it off with him before you even approached me that first time at the club. I think it had been probably two to three weeks prior to that.”

“But I was in your head, wasn’t I.”

Kira blinked twice, looking at him with a mixture of passion and contempt. She considered this to be truly a selfish question. “Yes Na Na. You were in my head. But that wasn’t the reason I did what I did. I suppose in a way it was, but not what you might think. Truth be told, I did not consider myself worthy. Jen deserved somebody who wanted to be with him. Not someone who had incomprehensibly fallen instead for her worst enemy. Not somebody who was on the brink of losing her very sanity.”

“You did it for him, rather than yourself. Interesting.”

“I did it for both of us. I could no longer pretend. I had not had feelings for him for a long time. Now that I think about it, I had felt this way probably long before any of this happened to you and me.”

In the back of his mind, Na Na could not help but admit to himself this was exactly what he wanted to hear. Feeling satisfied with the conversation, he changed the subject. “Can I ask you something else, Kira?”

She looked at him with suspicion in her eyes, wondering quite possibly what inquisition was coming next. “Okay. What else do you want to know?”

“Why does it feel so good when I kiss you?” His eyes drank her in, surveying her up and down yet again; once more unable to deny any longer the strange yet wonderful emotions he had been feeling since they had left the restaurant. Understanding the desire that was written on his face, she felt her body turn to the equivalent of limp jello as she searched somewhere in her mind for the answer to his question.

“Na Na,” she uttered, trying to find the strength scattered deep within her psyche to get the rest of her sentence out. “I think we’ve both come to the conclusion that we’ll never have an answer to that.” Their hands clasped together tightly as he pulled her across the sofa in his direction, finally coming to rest in each other’s arms. They froze for a moment, regarding each other with what could almost be called bewilderment. Closing her eyes as he leaned forward, she drank in his kiss, firmly pressed against her lips. “God, I’ve wanted that,” she whispered, as the kiss was finally broken.

“Me too,” he responded, as he felt his chest pound harder. At this moment it was inconceivable how this all came to be, but it was here nonetheless. Nothing else mattered. He held her closer yet, massaging his hands up and down her back, pressing his lips against hers yet again.

“Na Na,” she said, whispering his name once more. She felt her knees tremble.

“Yes?” he responded, before kissing her again heavily on the mouth.

“I want to try something with you. I’m not sure if it’s even possible, but I want to try it nonetheless.” She felt her own breathing becoming more labored as she drank in his kisses in between their conversation.

“What is it?” Still holding her in his arms, he paused, regarding her with great curiosity.

“I want to share my memories with you.”

He wasn’t quite sure she meant by this, but was interested, nevertheless. “How?”

“We have a word for it. It’s called dream fasting. The podlings taught me how to do it when I was very young.”

“Dream fasting?” The only experience he had ever had with podlings was when they were slaves at his command, drained of their life’s vital essence. He had never heard the term before. Still, it did sound intriguing.

“Yes, it was generally used as an alternative form of communication. When words couldn’t quite do the trick.”

He nodded his head in agreement, and stroked her hair. “Alright, I will try it,” he replied, trying to concentrate on what he was saying. Her breath on his neck was downright intoxicating.

“One more thing, Na Na.”

“Okay.”

“Like I said before, I’m not sure if this will work at all, but if it does, please remember, you don’t have to show me anything you don’t want to. Just close your eyes, and follow my lead.”

She was not quite sure why she felt so compelled to share this with him. She was well aware that what they were about to attempt could potentially have permanent ramifications, probably for the worse. There was much about him and his past she knew she would not be able to bear to witness. Still, she had to try. She remembered the choice she had made, and it was everything, or nothing at all. She closed her eyes, and took his hand in hers.

At first she saw nothing but black behind the shells of her eyelids. Then slowly coming into focus, she saw a vision. It was a large, wine colored crystal, suspended in mid-air, floating high above rocky shaft, at the very bottom molten lava and fire. She immediately recognized what she was looking at, for she had seen it before with her own eyes. Surrounding the floating darkened Crystal in a circle, she saw not ten, but all eighteen Skeksis, all of them alive and still young with youth. Had she been only a by-stander watching this display, she may not have understood the reasoning behind this ritual. However, what she was actually seeing was Na Na’s memory. It immediately came to her understanding what was happening. As the Greater Sun passed over the apex of the castle, the rays that it emitted downward through the Crystal would be reflecting onto the surrounding Skeksis, showering them with the life-giving substances needed to take them through the next thousand years.

His memory moved onto another. Although their bodies as well as their faces were far different than now at the multiple-story building in which they all shared, she distinctly recognized SkekSil the Chamberlain, whining to Na Na about something almost incomprehensible. Whimpering almost manically, it seemed he was complaining about someone sneaking a dead and decayed rodent in his food. Na Na turned his head toward SkekUng, who wore the wry smile of guilt, plastered plainly across his face.

Moving forward still, she saw a group of podlings, two of which she actually recognized, their eyes blank and their faces expressionless – as if someone had drained them of their very soul. They simply stared at Na Na, awaiting their next – the memory suddenly stopped abruptly. Clearly, this was one he did not want to show her.

The last memory she saw of his was here, in this land they now had come to call home. It was of his band - the one that had called themselves Skinny Puppy. They were on stage in front of countless fans at a venue she thought she recognized, and from what she could tell, this was something that gave him true enjoyment. Although the music was not something she thought she could ever get used to, it was obvious this was his passion.

Simultaneously while she was sharing his memory, he was also taking part in hers. The first one she showed him was also of this world, which they now lived. It was of the Reddings Festival downtown, the one that his band had played a year or two priors. She was with both Vera and Marty, watching his band strum out what sounded like the song they had written called Addiction. This was indeed a surreal experience. He was watching himself, recalling this moment from his own memory as well, but also as she saw him. He could poignantly sense her fear and intimidation, wanting to move to another part of the festival quickly before they noticed her in the crowd.

Her memory then regressed much further. He saw her as a young child, back on Thra, with an older female gelfling, one that he somehow knew was her real mother. She was teaching Kira how to climb trees, and get into small hidden places without being seen. It was instantly comprehendible that this was not merely a mom playing with her daughter. She was teaching her survival skills - ones that would serve to be quite useful later on.

Moving on, he saw Kira, still a young child, eating dinner with both of her parents, both alive and well. He saw that she had an older brother, the one who called her fallili, which in her native tongue meant ‘little flower.’ They would play by the water at night, until their mother would call them in, fearful of what might be lurking in the dark. With that, came a darker vision. Out of the night fog, came a black monster - one that Na Na clearly recognized. It was one of the garthim, the large, insect-like mechanical soldiers built by the Skeksis for one purpose - gelfling genocide. With the garthim’s appearance, through Kira’s eyes, he watched a tremendously violent scenario. He saw her only brother be torn limb from limb, dark blood pouring from his body, sent from life to death, along with both her parents in front of her very eyes. He saw that as her mother placed her in a tree trunk, she was the only one who managed to escape that horrible night, orphaned and alone. He witnessed the podling family who had stumbled upon her in the wilderness, starving and close to death herself. It was at this point Na Na abruptly broke the grip the two of them held on each other in the calm of her apartment.

“Stop!” He cried out, clearly troubled, pushing her away. He laid his head in his hands, shaking, as if he had been physically wounded.

“Are you alright?” She asked, obviously concerned.

“No. I don’t think I’ll ever be alright.” He could not bring himself to look at her.

Not taking her eyes off of him, she put her arm around his shoulder, wondering if he would recoil once again. However, instead of pulling away this time, he did something truly astonishing. Laying his head in her lap, sobbing tearlessly, he wrapped his arms around her waist, with a grip so firm she did not think she could break loose from it if she tried.

“Kira, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. God Kira, I didn’t mean...” The rest of what he said, she couldn’t quite make out. She did not quite fully realize the depths of his despair.

“It’s alright, Na Na. I shouldn’t have showed you that,” she replied softly, stroking his dark hair.

Relaxing his grip around her waist, he sat up, forcing himself to look upon her. “No, I don’t think you quite understand. Oh god...” His lips were shaking, and he felt as though he wanted to vomit.

“No, I do. It’s a hard thing to see, I know.” She had once shared this same vision with Jen, and although of course disturbed by it, she had not quite gotten this same reaction.

Na Na managed to contain his trembling discomposure long enough to make it clear to her why he was so distressed by what he had seen. Their faces only inches apart, he proceeded to explain, not taking his eyes off of hers. “No, you don’t. It’s one thing to see the one you adore experience something so traumatic. It’s entirely another to know that you were the one responsible for it.”

Direct understanding came to Kira’s face, as her eyes welled up with tears. It took all her energy to keep herself from sobbing. “Oh god, Na Na…” Neither of them had any other words at this moment. Minutes passed as they sat in each other’s arms, attempting the impossible task of comprehending what had just occurred.

“I must apologize. I still mean what I said; I should not have let you see that. It does neither of us any good,” she managed to say through the sobs and the tears that now flowed freely down her face. The two of them continued their hold on each other, each seeming if they were to let go, they’d be lost forever.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Kira. Not ever. Do not ever apologize to me for anything. I am the one who is sorry. I am the one who will always be sorry.”

She had no response. She couldn’t deny that everything he had said was true. He, just like his other clan members, was guilty of so many transgressions against her and her kind. To say otherwise would have served no point. She just laid huddled with him on her couch, searching in her mind for an answer that did not exist.

A half hour passed, with the two of them silent, in their minds trying to regain a foothold on the past as well as the future. Kira felt her back begin to cramp up slightly from the position they were holding. Not wanting to end the embrace however, she asked him a question. “Do you want to go lay down? It at least might be more comfortable.”

“Sure. Show me where.”

The two of them stood up, their legs both shaky from mental exhaustion. Slowly, she took him by the hand, and led him to her bedroom. Had they been in any other frame of mind, both of them would have been very consciously aware of what might happen next considering the scenario. At this point however, lovemaking was not exactly on the forefront of their agenda for either of them. They both lied down together, stretched out on the soft mattress, their arms entwined. He continued to stroke her hair as she lay in his embrace, both trying to make sense of emotions that had no logic.

“I don’t want to be afraid of you,” she whispered in his ear, listening to the slow steady beat of his heart. It was so quiet in the room you could hear a pin drop.

“Maybe someday you won’t be,” he responded in turn. He continued to hold her close, their lips only an inch apart.

A few more seconds passed, before Kira found the courage to make one last distinct request. “Na Na, I want you to make love to me.”

He looked at her in awe, almost startled by her directness. “If that’s what you want,” he affirmed, nodding his head.

She nodded in return. “I do not want to think about the things that I showed you. Please. Help me forget.” Both deep desire as well as bitter sorrow had shown plainly in her eyes.

Not saying a word, he held her more tightly to him as he slowly placed his mouth on hers, causing her stomach to drop to her knees in the process. The muscles in her body changed to something resembling a watery puddle of spilt milk. Releasing her lips from his, she found strength in her body to run her fingers through the long crop of hair on the top of his head, never shifting her eyes from his. Their legs and arms locked together in an entanglement of disarray; they shut out the outside world. Almost instantaneously, the excruciating memories of her childhood and his linked accountability were replaced by an exhilarating intoxication, free from pain or affliction. Their clothing now wrung together in a small heap on the floor, it was only the two of them, seeking pleasure with each other to lock away the past.

Catching her breath as she recovered from the euphoria and ecstacy of sharing themselves, still naked with their bodies intertwined; she rested her head on his chest. Her emotional mind-set had changed from that of pained caution to that of mad jubilation in the span of twenty minutes. Stroking his lips with her finger, a hint of devilishness twinkled in her eye.

“Fifteen hundred dollars,” she whispered. A hint of a wry smile hung from her lips.

“What?” Na Na, still recovering from Kira’s touch, had no idea what she meant.

“Fifteen hundred dollars.” She paused, as he regarded her with a curious look. “That’s how much they paid me to interview Skinny Puppy.”

A wide grin immediately lit up his face as he wrinkled his eyebrows in a look of bewilderment. “You’re telling me this now?”

“I thought now was as good as time as any. I just thought you might want to know.” The provocative smile she wore widened across her face.

He laughed out loud, almost to the point of hysterics. If asked, he couldn’t have described how good it felt good to laugh with her. “Are you serious? For an interview?”

“Not just any interview, Na Na. But yes, I’m telling you the truth. I don’t know why, it just popped into my head.” Laughing with him, she smiled and kissed him again, their lips not wanting to part.

And so, that is how it came to be; two enemies, once conjoined in their mutual hate, were now ready to face the world as one – together, yet in secret. Neither had any conception of what tomorrow was to bring them, in this strange and wonderful place in which they lived. They only understood the desolate pain of what it was to be apart, as well as the enchanting intoxication of what it meant to give in. Throwing caution to wind, the two of them were passionately determined to make this work.

Submit ReviewReport Possible AbuseAdd Story to FavoritesAdd Story to Story AlertAdd Author to FavoritesAdd Author to Author AlertAdd Story to C2 Archive 1. Chapter 1: The Best Intentions2. Chapter 2: Sub Conscious Thoughts3. Chapter 3: Confrontation4. Chapter 4: Road to Nowhere5. Chapter 5: Insomnia6. Chapter 6: The Dance7. Chapter 7: Truth and White Lies8. Chapter 8: Rock and Roll Lifestyle9. Chapter 9: Outward Appearances10. Chapter 10: Love Thy Enemy11. Chapter 11: The Morning After12. Chapter 12: Choices13. Chapter 13: Acceptance and Regret