Don't Know Why

~~~~~2008~~~~~

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When Aiden and I got home, I was in a disconnected state of mind. I was barely aware of Aiden talking to me. "Mom? What the hell happened back there? Are you okay?" He asked me, concern etched on his young face. He’d only wanted the chance to get to know his family, and I’d ruined it for him. I’d ruined things for Egon and me, and I’d blown my chance at reconciling with Peter. I slumped onto a kitchen stool.

"Aiden, do you think you could maybe stay the night at Austin’s? I’ll call his parents and give you guys money to get a pizza and see a movie." I offered, not wanting my son to see me in my current condition.

"I think I should stay home to watch over you." He replied. I managed a smile for him.

"I’ll be fine. I just need some time for the old wounds to scab over."

"Will you tell me everything? I’m so confused right now..."

"I am, too, Kiddo, but, as soon as I can get it together, I will tell you everything. I promise." I told him. He finally accepted my offer, and thirty minutes later he headed across the hall to his best friend’s apartment.

Once I was alone in the apartment, I went to the bathroom and ran a bath. I undressed and just left my clothes on the floor. I crawled into the hot water and laid a wet washcloth over my face. Why had Egon sent me an invitation to Peter’s wedding? Why hadn’t I figured out that Peter wouldn’t want to see me? What had compelled me to accept? It was my pride. I’d wanted them to see how wonderful Aiden was. I’d wanted him to get to know his father. I’d made a huge mistake. I let my tears fall, glad for the solitude that offered me the privacy to sob as loudly as my heart wanted to. Memories tried to take over, but I shoved them back. I couldn’t handle the present right now, much less the past. The harder I fought, though, the more my head ached. I heard a buzzing sound, and a sudden flash signaled the bursting of one of the lights above the medicine chest. I watched in dread as the three remaining bulbs began vibrating. I knew what was coming, and I tried to get out of the way before it happened. I scrambled out of the tub and past the lights as the other two shattered in succession. I felt the glass pelt me, but I kept moving until I was out of the room. The rest of the apartment was just as bad. The dishes in the kitchen shook, the TV in the living room was rapidly flipping through channels and all the lights flickered on and off. I crept back to my bedroom and things weren’t much better. I didn’t know what to do to make it stop. It had never been so widespread before. I climbed into bed, and, as I did, I spotted the sleeping pills on my nightstand. I wondered if it would work. It should. If I was asleep my brain couldn’t do all this. With trembling hands I dry swallowed two of the pills. I was terrified as I watched the drawers of my dresser open and close, the numbers on my digital alarm clock ran wild and the light on my nightstand flickered on and off like a strobe light. I pulled the blanket over my head and wept until sleep finally took me.