The Darkness of Desire

Darkness of Desire

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit story, and I own none of the characters.
Author – Courtier
Rating – N-17 for situations of sexuality and slash
Summary – A coming of age story chronicling the relationship between Anakin Skywalker and his master, Obi-wan Kenobi; a story of passion, empathy, and confliction.

The story continues one year following the previous chapter. . . .

Chapter XV – The Pains of Love


Anakin’s breath caught in his throat at the sight of her. His eyes widened in awe as his pulse quickened. Walking towards him across the luxurious apartment was the angel known as Padmé he remembered from his youth. She was no longer the youthful queen of his memories. In the span of a decade, she had become much more than that. She had become a goddess; the very emblem of all that was beautiful and pure. Age had enhanced her handsome bright eyes and glowing complexion. A slow smile lightened her features, causing her to look lovelier, if possible.

Still in awe of her presence, he forgot to bow in respect as she approached.

“It’s a great pleasure to see you again, milady,” Obi-wan greeted her warmly from beside him.

“It has been far too long, Master Kenobi,” she replied, her voice as smooth as silk, and the two clasped hands in greeting. Suddenly, her eyes shifted from his master and noticed him for the first time.

“Ani?” She gave a start of surprise. “My goodness, you’ve grown!”

Nervously, he stepped forward. He was having difficulty finding the words to reply.

“So have you,” he faltered. “Grown more beautiful, I mean.” Suddenly, he felt utterly mortified. He’d just confessed to the entire room what he thought of her. “Well, f-for a senator, I mean.” His face felt hot with embarrassment.

She studied him for a moment and finally smiled with mirth.

“Ani, you’ll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine,” she told him and turned away, leading them all towards the double couches.

I wish I still was . . .

“Our presence here will be invisible, milady, I can assure you,” Obi-wan reassured her as they sat opposite from her.

“I’m Captain Typho of Her Majesty’s security service,” spoke the soldier who stood beside the senator. “Queen Jamilla has been informed of your assignment,” he continued, “I am grateful you are here, Master Kenobi. The situation is more dangerous than the senator will admit.”

“I don’t need more security,” Padmé interjected. “I need answers. I want to know who’s trying to kill me.”

Anakin’s mind was in disbelief. How could anyone want to kill a woman so pure? His master spoke before he could voice his thoughts.

“We are here to protect you, Senator, not to start an investigation.”

How can he not care??

“We will find out who’s trying to kill you, Padmé,” Anakin vowed. “I promise you.”

From the corner of his vision, he could see his master turning to him in disapproval.

“We will not exceed our mandate, my young Padawan learner.”

With those words, Anakin felt like striking his mentor; anything to cause him pain. How can he reprimand me like a child?! I hate him. . .

“I meant that in the interest of protecting her, Master, of course,” he replied, barely able to refrain from scowling.

“We will not go through this exercise again, Anakin, and you will pay attention to my lead.”

He couldn’t hold himself back any longer. Defiantly, he faced the elder Jedi and asked boldly,

“Why?”

Obi-wan retaliated sharply with surprise,

“What?”

The room grew abruptly silent and he could feel Padmé and her retinue staring at him. His face grew hot with humility, yet he plunged onward,

“Why else do you think we were assigned to her if not to find the killer?” Obi-wan glared at him angrily. It only spurred the apprentice onward. “Protection is a job for local security, not Jedi. It’s overkill, Master. Investigation is implied in our mandate.”

His master closed his eyes briefly and turned away from him. When he finally replied, it was in a soft, yet commanding voice,

“We will do exactly as the council has instructed. . . . . .And you will learn your place, young one.”

Young one? Young, am I, Master? Tell me, was I so young when you held me within a passionate embrace only one year ago?

Defeated and silenced, Anakin looked away, feeling utterly frustrated. The room had grown so silent he could hear the distant roars of speeders clearly. Thankfully, Padmé broke the silence not a moment too soon.

“Perhaps with merely your presence, the mystery surrounding this threat will be revealed.” She stood, and the Jedi mirrored her act. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I will retire.” Allowing one last small smile to Anakin, she headed towards the far corner of the room, followed by her handmaiden. Anakin watched her walk away, the tight constriction of frustration with his master still coiled in his chest.

***************************************************


Hours later, he remained in the sitting area of Padmé’s apartment alone. The senator was no doubt sleeping and Obi-wan was conversing with Captain Typho in the building’s lobby below.

The past year of the apprentice’s life had been an unreal and unsettling one. The relationship that had flourished between himself and his master for ten years had died completely. They no longer spoke with one another, and the few times they did converse often became heated arguments.

Those moments they had shared a year ago. . . .blissful though they were, they had killed the friendship between the two comrades. They were strangers now; strangers that fought endlessly.

And yet, Anakin still loved Obi-wan. He knew he always would. Yet his feelings of ardor had changed since that night. The love was now often mingled with anger and hatred. There were times when he loved his master so much he hated him. And then there were times when he hated him so much that he was utterly drawn to him.

During the weeks following that remembered night, Anakin had sincerely contemplated leaving the Jedi Order. How could he continue his training after what he. . . they’d done? However, he soon came to understand his fate. If he were to leave the order, he would never see Obi-wan again. That realization struck harder than anything else. With time and thought, Anakin came to realize that he would much rather be heartbroken at his master’s side than living a life without him. Such was his fate to be doomed by love.

Sleepless nights haunted him. Often, he would lay awake until the early hours of dawn mulling his thoughts tiredly through his mind. One question dominated the Padawan’s mind:

Does Obi-wan love me in return?

No, no, he does not. He’s made that quite clear. Ever since that night, he’s treated me with nothing but cold formality. He criticizes every move, every decision I make. He is punishing me for loving him. . .

And yet, did he not return my kiss? And quite passionately? He could have pulled away from me at any time, and yet, he did not. Or could it be that he was envisioning Qui-gon and not myself as he kissed me?

Anakin exhaled sharply with anger and threw off his dark cloak. It landed in a small heap beside his feet. He stood in the middle of the room, and brought his hands tiredly to his face.

I’m so tired.

To make matters worse, he hadn’t slept in three nights. Of late, he’d been having horrible nightmares. Nightmares that illustrated his mother being tortured and crying for his help. Were they premonitions or simply the worries of a tired mind? He ached to return to her, to see her safe. But the council had rebuffed his request to return to Tatooine. ‘On the matters at hand, you must keep your mind. . . .’ Master Yoda had said.

Why should they care how I feel? They never knew or loved their mothers. None of them have ever loved anyone. . . .

He suddenly noticed that his eyes had welled with angry tears. Scoffing at his own weakness, he crossed the room to stand before the window overlooking Coruscant. The city had been his home for most of his life, and yet he felt no love for it.

When did life become so difficult?

Of a sudden, he felt a presence behind him. He turned abruptly to find Padmé standing across the room, gazing at him. Her hair was no longer held tightly above her head, but tumbled freely about her shoulders in loose waves. He smiled. Her very presence and beauty calmed him and drove away his thoughts of fear and frustration.

“Where is Obi-wan?” she asked after flitting her eyes across the room.

“He’s speaking with Captain Typho below levels,” he replied. He noticed that the dark shade of her hair caught a reflection of the silver moonlight, framing her with an ethereal glow. Why can’t everything be as perfect as she is? “Is there something you require, milady?” he asked. She walked quietly towards him.

“I can’t believe how different you look,” she mused, shaking her head slightly.

“How different am I?” he asked.

“Well,” she cocked her head to the side skeptically while smiling, “you’ve gotten very tall.”

They both laughed. It felt good to laugh; to smile.

“T-thank you, I suppose. . .” he responded.

“What I really came to tell you is that I’ve programmed Artoo to alert you if an intruder enters my room,” she said. “And also, I’ve covered the security cameras.”

“Why would you do that?”

She walked closer to him, so as she could speak more quietly.

“If there is less security, the greater chance there is another attempt on my life will be made,” she muttered. “Therefore, it will be easier to discover my attacker’s identity.” She raised her eyebrows wisely.

Anakin smiled. It was rather a good plan she had invented. He half-wished he had thought of it first.

“Very well,” he acquiesced.

“Good night, Anakin.” She turned from him and left the room.

“Good night,” he muttered as she left. He stood where he was for a long while after she had departed, thinking about her.

Do I love her? Yes. . . .yes, I do. But it’s not the same love that I’ve felt for Obi-wan. I want to call Padmé my own, to claim her beauty. But with Obi-wan, it is I that wishes to be claimed by him.

But he’ll never return my love and I must accept that. . . .

Suddenly, he heard a door whisk open to his left and saw Obi-wan entering the room, looking reserved and formal.

Why did I have to love him, why?

More coming soon. . . .


Yes, yes I realize I am the worst updater in the world, I admit it. It’s just that it’s been really hard trying to find time to write and juggle college at the same time. I do vow to finish this story though, so those loyal to this story don’t have to worry about me not finishing it, because I will. In fact, I’ve already planned out the last chapter. To all my loyal readers (if there are any of you out there I hope!), thank you so much for your patience. To all the new readers; I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews are welcome. :)