More Than Eyes Alone Can See
17
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When Tess didn’t answer him the
first time,
question. “What’s the allure, T?”
How far could she answer that question without making things
uncomfortable for any of them?
“Logan? Have you ever heard of a
“No. Should I have?”
Tess shook her head. “Not many
people have. Long ago, before the Maya
came to power in the
there was a race of people called the Olmecs.
No one’s quite sure what happened to them – there’s few traces of their
civilization left and most assume they were gradually swallowed by the Aztec
Empire to the East and the Mayan to the West – but there are a handful of their
myths and beliefs that got handed down through thousands of generations to
today. And one of those is that of the
“Nahual is translated into the
Spanish tongue as crío
Child of the jaguar, or more commonly, jaguar children.
America
“It was believed that these children were gifted with the intellect of
men, but had the ferocity, strength, and cunning of a jaguar.
into the great cat if the need ever arose.
The Olmec priests, the shamans, were all believed to be
animal. Even the Maya believed this to
some extent, although that may have been a belief they absorbed along with the
Olmecs.”
s'>
She turned her face to
without removing her eyes from the man she was talking about.
you had been on the streets of Culíacan that day as the sun beat down, and
explosions made the ground tremble . . . if you had seen him standing there,
dressed all in black with blood running down his face like the tears of the
gods themselves, maybe then you would understand.
but he was. I know that I came closer to
believing the old myths that day, that I wouldn’t have
been surprised to see him shift into a jungle cat and run back to the lands
where his worshippers had dwelled.”
Finally she managed to remove her gaze from Sands.
than that. It’s just
great disservice. I’m not sure I could
do it. Not until I know whether there’s
still hope for him or not. I convinced
him to come . . . I made him hope,
and I can’t leave without seeing it through.
I can’t give up my duty without feeling as if I’m giving up on him as
well. And I don’t want to give
you-know-what that sword to hang over my head.”
Well. Apparently things were more
complicated than
suspected. “This isn’t going to be easy,
T. He’s going to be . . . difficult to
handle.” Tessa’s two gunshot wounds
seemed to burn with the echoes of pain, even though they were mostly healed.
you’re close to him. Maybe not in the
way that the word is normally meant . . . but I know you.
their way onto your list of people to watch out for, that you feel everything
they do. This won’t be easy, and I only
mention this at all because I know that you’re not even going to balk from the
pain this could cause.”
“I realize it’s not going to be easy,
turned him over to the care of someone else?
If I left details up to my imagination?”
Tess leaned against the wall and closed her eyes.
step of the way, but that’s only because I feel responsible for putting him in
this position. If it weren’t . . .
.” If
it weren’t for my family, he wouldn’t be here.
be more comfortable if he knows that at least one person who knows him will be in this to some capacity.
“Are you sure that’s it, T?”
had never heard Tess use that tone of voice before, although he had wished to
hear her use it about him. But Tess . .
. Tess had notions. And nothing was
going to sway her from them. So he was
her friend. And confidant when she
needed one.
“Yeah. That’s it.
all I can offer with a free mind and a clear conscience.
The two friends were silent for several minutes before
broke the silence. “I’m going to have to
conduct my own examination. You know
that, right?”
“I know, and I did mention it to him on the way over.
she waved a hand in front of her eyes, “that it bothers you.
is.” The two nurses were finishing up
and preparing to leave the room. “If he
doesn’t mind, I’ll probably stay in the room, although I don’t think I’ll make
any comments. We can conference later,
although I think I’ve mentioned everything I noticed.”
“I think I’d feel better with a consult anyway.
that would be pertinent to treatment.
And you’re still his main physician unless he’s claimed another on his
records.”
“You got his records?”
“No, that’s what Ashley was doing in there.”
“The one with the black hair?”
“Yeah. She’s also one of Merrie’s
friends.”
“Ah . . . sharing the wealth, eh?”
Tess shook her head, trying to act as if their earlier conversation
hadn’t happened. The mood could only
stay somber for so long before her voice started searching for a
distraction. “Stupid girls.”
oft-quoted phrase from their college days.
Tess had never been one to put up with the constant games of flirtation
that other people their age engaged in. But then the two women emerged from the
room, bringing Sands’ chart with them.
“Here you go, doctors.”
“Thank you, Merrie, Ashley.”
started to look at the charts, then looked up.
The two women looked at each other.
“No. We didn’t.”
“Why not?”
“He said he didn’t want any more holes in his hide and if anyone was
going to come near him with a . . . a ‘f’in’ needle,
then it had better be someone who knew what to expect.”
Tess shook her head. The man
never gave up. “Well, I guess that
settles the matter of whether I’ll be going in with you or not.
she was nuts (which they both knew she was), and went in ahead of her.
moment.spanspan>
last link of the chain all too often drips with someone’s blood.
she wasn’t getting in over her head.
Sands
heard the chatty nurses leave.
been cloistered with a peppy nurse and an inquisitive something-or-other for
nearly half an hour. It was a good thing
Tessa had taken his guns or he might have put the fear of god in them.
of me – either one would be good.
the sound of an expensive pair of wingtips sounded on the tile of the
room. It was a sound Sands had heard
often enough at Company headquarters.
He’d never gone for that himself – too conspicuous.
some blood drawn?”
end up on Sands’ bad side, and that wasn’t a place anyone wanted to be.
bland as he replied. “Let’s just say
that I’ve had some bad experiences with needles of late.”
I’ll get the opportunity to find out soon.
When had she gotten in without
him hearing her?
never even heard of, but you’re delusional as well.
do.” He grinned, but it was
brittle. “Those nurses that just left
could teach you a thing or two about a decent bedside manner.”
she’d set up – neither one was going to mention anything about cartel henchmen
who came armed with hypodermic needles filled with various sedatives.
practice. Wanna be my guinea pig?”
Seems to be all I’m good for at the moment.”
around. There were several clinks as she
set vials on the table and a snap as she pulled on a of of rubber
gloves. “Enjoy snapping the latex, do
we?”
extremely gladt het he couldn’t see her, because her face was most likely
showing bright red under the natural tan of her skin.
him for always knowing what to say to overset me.
to never – and I do mean never – find
out.”
señor. I think you have more than enough
ego to survive my trivial comments.
Which arm?” Sands extended his
right arm.
fastened the tourniquet around his upper arm.
Paying complete attention to what she was doing, she probed for a
vein. “Make a fist for me?”
determined to keep as much blood inside his body as possible, but she found
one. Qly sly she smeared a bit of iodine
over the site, then said, “Little pinch.”
The needle slid in and her syringe started filling.
needle out, let the tourniquet go loose, and taped a cotton ball over the small
wound.
little boys and girls.” Tess knew Sands
was being so flippant because he was nervous about the upcoming examination.
If I had know that was all I’d get, I would have misbehaved.”
in hazardous waste bucket, gloves in trash, label vials.
indeed waiting, handed off the vials, closed the door, and then pulled the
shade that was there to provide privacy from those passing in the hall.
Tess
hadn’t said anything when Sands had lit a cigarette on the way home.
she would pull over at a convenience store to buy a carton of non-
seemed to know what she was thinking anyway.
“Last day of freedom, niña. Might
as well live it up.”
cigarettes in a day?”
<
st
style='mso-spacerun:yes'> “No, those are to keep my trigger finger
happy while I can’t drink.” He’d tossed
his wallet in her direction and she’d gone inside.
removed his ID.
of her charges – although she and the children seemed to have formed a mutual
appreciation society – and Sands had gone outside.
puffing like a chimney. She left him
alone with his thoughts. If he wanted to
talk – which she sincerely doubted – then he knew where to find her.
reminded Sands to eat, translated a showing of Beauty and the Beast, got
everyone washed, brushed and into bed.
She went back downstairs, cleaned up from dinner, checked on Sands (who
was still outside but drinking a beer now instead of smoking), worried about
whether she should do something, decided not to.
. . .
Didn’t know I was out past curfew.”
You’re not.” That made sense. “I fell
asleep.”
have a bed waiting for you in the other room?
Makes sense.” Sands sat down
across from her; the scent of his cigarettes drifted over to her.
same house. Besides, I’ve been killing
time until
he’s had time to calm his nerves?”
showering for awhile.” Sands shrugged,
but moved to get up anyway. He was
almost to the kitchen before her curiosity got the better of her.
I d need to ask you something.”
Sands paused, but he didn’t look as if he were going to wait around
forever for her to say what she wanted.
She got to it. “I was wondering
if you wanted to list
the one who’s going to be overseeing your treatment.”
hadn’t been it. “He going to be checking
on me every hour?”
irritate the hell out of me, yes.”
hell out of me.”
n
sn
style='mso-spacerun:yes'> “Yeah.
We have a pretty good system for that – it’d be a shame to break up the
act now.”
considering something. Tess was sure he
wasn’t pondering her question though.
Knowing him, he was wondering what had made her ask and what answer she
was looking for. Finally he shrugged and
left the room. “Do whatever you think is
best, chiquita. You usually do anyway.”
Tess
wasn’t sure if hell was the right word to describe the weeks that
followed. Somehow, it didn’t seem quite
strong enough. Not that the sky had
fallen on them suddenly. No, it had
taken awhile for Tess to see the full transformation.
was for Sands.
was displaying all the side effects that
sensitivity, and waking dreams. These
extra symptoms were accredited to ‘potentially negative interactions
prescriptions.’ Tess decided that it was
just a run of bad luck progressively getting worse.
even than the times where Sands spoke and made perfect sense.
she couldn’t apply any more pressure to his skin than the weight of a
feather. She could handle all-night
vigils as long as Sands stayed quiet the next morning.
the house even though she knew that it hurt him to walk.
her to comfortably handle them. Even the
ones of his childhood, the ones with the echoes of benign neglect, reminded her
too much of her family. She didn’t mind
the bruises she gathered from keeping Sands from hurting himself when the
moment he’d lost his eyes choose to take its place in the private slide show,
as long as it meant she didn’t have to listen to the lost child in Sands’
voice. Luckily, he never seemed to
remember what he’d said as soon as the episodes passed.
with a bit of luck, his life was ruined forever.
does no one ever ward off luck any more?
People used to understand that luck wasn’t something you wanted to tempt
for good or ill. Sound drifted into
the kitchen from the living room: “What was I doing here? What was the
meaning of this trip? Was I just roaming around in a drug frenzy of some kind?
Or had I really come out here to
to work on a story? Who are these people, these faces? Where do they come from?
They look likeicaticatures of used car dealers from Dallas, and sweet Jesus,
there were a hell of a lot of them at
on a Sunday morning, still humping the American dream, that vision of the big
winner somehow emerging from the last minute pre-dawn chaos of a stale Vegas
casino.”
Then again, I think repeated
viewings of ‘Fear and Loathing in Los Vegas’ is getting to me.
from the TV seemed to help keep Sands calm.
If she watched it for too long she found her voice growing stronger for
it. Audio
books and other movies are going to have to help from here on out.
“Hanging in there?”
“As I was walking
among the fires of Hell,/delighted with the enjoyments of Genius;/which to
Angels look like torment and insanity./I collected some of their
Proverbs.” Tee fell silent, then asked,
“How much longer? How many more days of
this do we have left?”
“Seven days. One more week.
nurse to relieve you, T? Just for a few
hours even so you can take a shower and get some sleep.”
“Npan pan style='mso-spacerun:yes'> No, don’t send anyone
over.” Sands was vulnerable – not that
she thought anyone was going to try to kill him – but his mind wandered because
of the drugs.
one and only time Sands would remember what he’d said.
ht
and was able to get a fast shower this morning.”
“How is Sands doing?”
Tess wearily got up from the table and ed ted to the entry way – the
movie was thankfully almost over. Sands
lay on the couch muttering to himself, or at the TV.
muttered anymore was when he was feeling some measure of quiet.
yelling of the dreams that she watched for now.
“He’s fine. ing ing at the moment
and watching that horrible movie.”
“And last night?”
“He slept, for once. It’s
possible that things have gotten as bad as they’re going to and now they’ll
start getting better.” Tess quietly
rapped her knuckles against the frame of the door.
program for the kids. Their grasp of
English is growing by leaps and bounds – especially Marcos.
as possible, although I think that Alma and René will benefit from ESL classes
for a bit longer.”
“Well, I didn’t think you wanted the kids underfoot while . . . you
know.”
“Yeah, I know.” Tess went back in
and sat down at the kitchen table again, making sure she was seated somewhere
where she could keep an eye on Sands.
“How’s the job hunt going?”
“Slowly.” Tess let out a weak
laugh. “Maybe if I let some of my
expectations slide, things would be easier, but I want to get as far away from
Mexico acan can while staying in the states, and I don’t want to practice
medicine, and . . . and I don’t know.
It’s as if real life is on hold until after the operation, you know?”
“Yeah, I can understand that.”
went quiet before saying in a brighter voice, “There’s going to be someone
coming out that you’re going to want to see.”
“Who’s that?”
“Jess – she decided to come out and see her crazy twin.”
“When’s she arriving?”
“A week after the procedure.”
“It’ll be good to see her again.”
Tess heard the music for the credits playing.
“Okay.” Tess hung up and went
back in to tend to her patient.
“Tía? Tess woke up at two in the morning
Tess, once again at the kitchen table, looked up from her laptop.
Tess thought she knew where it stemmed from.
He was finally wondering how much worse things were going to get for his
friend, who was outside smoking at the moment.
Funny how I never had to ask him
to do that – something tells me it’s not something he normally does.
Come have a seat.” She pushed out
the chair across from her with her foot.
Every night for the past two weeks Marcos had come home from the day
center, done his homework, and then read to Sands – for hours sometimes
times. The man never acknowledged the
boy’s presence, but he did stay calm, something for which Tess was extremely
grateful. “What’s on your mind?” she
asked once the boy had seated himself.
“Señor Sands.” The boy was quiet,
examining the table. Tess let him think
and collect his thoughts for as long as he needed to.
Tess felt the impact of the anger and concern in his eyes.
better,” he accused. “But he’s not
getting better. He’s worse.
day.”
Oh . . . she should have known this was coming.
heart. How was she supposed to explain
things, though? “You’re right, Marcos, I
am grateful that you and your brother and sisters aren’t home during the day,
and it’s not because I don’t want you around.
“Then why can’t I stay home? I’m
worried about señor Sands. I want to
help him.”
“I don’t want you here because . . . because s San Sands does not always
remember where he is because of the medicine he’s taking.
stay. I also want you and your siblings
to be able to learn. Don’t you enjoy
school? Don’t you enjoy learning new words
and math and being with other kids your age?”
Marcos nodded, but his eyes still held a bit of rebellion.
But I still think about el señor while I’m there.
Tess reached over and took the boy’s hand.
that it was to keep tears from falling.
“I know it’s hard to understand, but the medicine is helping.”
The boy sniffed. “Then why does
he hurt so much?”
How to explain? “I know it seems
like medicine should be able to help people feel better without making them
feel worse in other ways, but that’s not always the case, Marcos.
better, we . . . we have to get rid of all the other bad stuff.
avocados. One day you look in the crate,
and you see that there’s a rotten one on top, so you take it out and throw it
away. The next day there’s another
rotten one, and then again the day after that.
So you dig through the entire
crate, and find there’s a lot of rotten fruit at the bottom.
bad. Sometimes makingple ple feel better
is like that; you have to dig to the very bottom and dig out all the rotten
stuff before they can start to heal.”
“That’s what you’re doing to señor Sands?”
“That’s what I’m trying to do, yes.”
style='mso-spacerun:yes'> “Feeling better?”
Then you can help me get the young ones ready for bed.”
when she heard someone moving around.
She rubbed her eyes, trying to remember when she’d fallen asleep.
than wondering what Sands was up to now.
Ignore your duty, that’s a good one.
I’m not ignoring – I’m delaying.
Coward.
absolutely right. Tess stood up and
surveyed the darkened room – Sands was nowhere to be found.
the legs of a chair scraped across the floor, there was a hissing sound
followed by the sound of a bottle cap hitting a hard surface.
it! I knew I should have gotten rid of
what was left of the beer.
Tess quickly left Sands’ bedroom and crept down the hall towards the
kitchen, pausing at the threshold. She
didn’t bother turning on any lights – it’d be more of a hindrance than a help
at the moment. The moas fas full and
shone in through the window, providing more than enough light to see what Sands
was doing. He was sitting in a chair
with an open bottle of beer, several pill bottles, and a gun in front on him on
the table. Shit.
Slowly, Tess walked into the kitchen.
Her bare feet slapped against the floor, letting Sands know that she was
coming. Now was not the time for
surprises. Still moving slowly, she too
pulled out a chair and had a seat. For
awhile they sat there with the beer, the pills, and the gun between them.
“The best way to predict the future is to invent it.”
“Alan Kay.”
Sands nodded. “Wise words.
And it was all fun and games until someone got their eyes poked
out.” He laughedd Ted Tess cringed at
the sound; it was harsh and full of self-ridicule.
a bunch of witless horses and horsemen, would he have ended up as fucked over
as I did?”
What was she supposed to say? She
didn’t even know this man’s first name.
How was she supposed to help? “I
know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit
in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing
on the inside.” She took a deep breath
and tried to keep her voice from shaking.
“What is it you’re trying to get rid of tonight, Sands?
of his hands against his temples as if to squeeze whatever was bothering him
out of his head altogether. It was an action
Tess was all too familiar with.
deep end. I’m already floundering.
secrets. Tell me, Sands.”
“I can forgive everyone’s mistakes but my own,” he muttered.
He was right.”
“And this is the answer? A
cocktail and a bullet?”
“So I’m told.” He reached to
close his hand around the bottle, although he didn’t try to take a drink.
to take advantage of it.
“The devil is easy to identify.
He appears when you’re terribly tired and makes a very reasonable
request which you know you shouldn’t grant.”
Tess reached to move the gun, but Sands’ hand slammed down on hers,
trapping it against the table. “Don’t
grant this request Sands. We’re so
close.”
Tessa’s voice became soothing. “I
know it does. I know.
desperately. “For the living know that
they will die; but the dead know nothing, and they have no more reward, for the
memory of is is forgotten. Also their
love, their hatred, and their envy have now perished; nevermore will they have
a share in anythinne une under the sun.”
She had moved around the table as she’d been talking, stopping when she
was standing in front of Sands. She
knelt down on the floor in front of him and took another breath.
holding on to his. “Sands, give me the
gun. Please.”
was hope.
For long seconds, Sands didn’t move.
Then his arm lashed out and sent the gun flying.
the floor. Tess held her breath until it
settled without firing, then let out a shaky breath.
at the moment – the muzzle was pointing directly at her.
than a breath.
es'>“I can’t do this. The pain, it’s
too much. It’s driving me fucking
crazy. I can’t do this.”
I can’t do this, Sam.
. I know. It's all wrong.
It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo.
end. Because how could the end be
happy? How could the world go back to
the way it was when so much bad had happened?
But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow.
clearer. Those were the stories that
stayed with you. That meant something,
even if you were too small to understand why.
But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand.
I know now. Folk in those stories
had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't.
pulled free of hers. “I’m holding
on. Don’t you dare let go.”
her. She hoped he was thinking and not
blocking her out. “Who is more foolish,
the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?”
What was it about quoting smart people that made even complete idiots
seem more intelligent? And the woman had
to be an idiot if she was going to cry over him.
voice. I’m sick of the dark. It was
the dark that had driven him to this tonight.
But it was hard getting back to the light.
he were caught in a particularly bad case of the flu.
the beer and let that be that.
to mention you don’t want her to cry.
Fuck you.
A fool. Tess sighed with
relief. She could live with being a
fool. She stood up and moved to put away
the pills and dispose of the alcohol, not to mention put the gun away.
Sands hadn’t let go of her hand.
“Señor?”
This is where he kills you for getting too close.
ago, but I bet he could still crush your windpipe.
it d wad wake the children.
The darkness was still too close for him to let go of his life
preserver. The waves could still pull
him under. If the damn woman wanted him
to ‘hold on,’ she was going to have to live with the consequences of that.
im
as possible. Was it revulsion or
fear? Knowing his little angel of death,
it was fear. The woman was too much of a
puzzle for him to solve. “I’m tired,
Guardian angel. Tess felt her load
of responsibility shift at the new appellation, felt it settle more heavily on
her shoulders. Things weren’t supposed
to have gotten this involved. She was
supposed to have handed him over to
and then Sands was supposed to ignore her.
Best laid plans, Teresa . . . although you are much more the mouse than
the man. “Let
me put things away.” She’d put the lids
back on the pills, pour out this beer, pick up the gun, and deal with the rest
in the morning. Sands needed his sleep.
She led him back down the hall to his room, then
tried to settle him on the bed, but he still wasn’t letting go.
grip tightened until she had to hold back a gasp of pain.
he was thinking, but his face was a mask.
The muscle in his jaw jumped before he growled a single word.
I told you he’d take advantage.
Going to give in, or are you going to fight?
voice, Remember how much fighting hurt the last time?
You’re wrong. He’s not . . .
that’s not what’s happening here. If it
was, he wouldn’t ask. He just doesn’t
want to be left alone. I wouldn’t want
to be left alone with you either.
Tess prayed that she was right as she climbed onto the bed, kneeling by
Sands where he was seated. He pushed her
back until her back was pressed against the wall.
stay calm. A breakdown could not be
afforded now.
Once Sands had her settled, he turned his back on her and leaned back
against her.
style='mso-spacerun:yes'> This wasn’t what she’d been expecting . . .
not that she’d known what to expect.
Minutes went by without either of them moving.
was going to happen. Slowly, she let her
muscles relax.
Sands felt her decision to stay.
“You’re too bony,” he complained.
“That’s your own spine, Sands.
You’ve lost some weight.” Tess shifted and pulled one of pillows from
behind her back, moving the one tremaremained so pillowed her own back.
their bodies so that only her arms were touching him.
patient’s mouth, and soon he fell asleep.
Carefully Tess wrapped her arms around his body and rested her cheek on
the top of her h
hurt when she left.