Almost Alice

You were so young,And I guess im your eyes,Ill keep mine closed.I prefer standing,And you take your be wide awake,And you'll fall you'll fall down a 's the one place we both knowYou'd take me with you if you could, but I wouldn't goI guess sometimes we both loose our minds, to find a better road.I can be pensive,You can be so 'll be the poison,You'll be the cure.I'm alone on the journey,I'm alive none the less,And when you do your very worst,Mmmmm it feels the you'll fall down a 's the one place we both 'd take me with you if you could, but I wouldn't go.I guess sometimes we both loose our minds, and find a better you'll fall down a 's the one place in this world that we both 'd take me with you if you could,But if you could I'd lose 't you see the faces melting as the sun rains from their eyes,Go on and keep your head with the hearts that you left at yourself, look in the mirror, don't you see a lie?That you tell yourself again a thousand the truth that makes us laugh will make you cry,You wanna die? No?So you fall down a hole,That's the one place where we both know,You'd take me with you if you could but I wouldn't sometimes, we both loose our minds to find a better road.

The Poison - All American Rejects

Four sets of eyes stared at her and Alice sat in stupid silence. What could she say, really?

John Ascot stepped forward, "Its about time you arrived" he said, "I expected you yesterday due to your letter."

Alice blinked, "I'm sorry."

He waved his hand, "Couldn't be helped, accident and all. Thank heavens you are alright. Did you have a chance to consider my proposal on the Malacca Straits?"

Of course she hadn't but she nodded anyway, "We'll have to talk" she agreed. What in the world was going on?

He smiled, looking pleased, "Quite right."

"Letter?" his wife demanded, those cold blue eyes moving from Alice to her husband, "What letter?"

John sighed, "The letter that arrived two days ago. It was the second from her."

"She's been considered dead for weeks John!"

"Oh yes, nasty business."

His wife looked appalled, "Nasty, busi…. Look here! This girl ran off in the middle of a storm and vanished for nearly three weeks and you stand here and act as though nothing untoward has happened!" The vein in her forehead was thumping madly. Alice couldn't help but stared at it.

John rounded on his wife and fixed her with a stern look, "And so it hasn't. She was overcome with grief and sought solitude."

"She might have said and look at her hair!"

"I cut it" Alice blurted out.

"She's been at a nice little inn outside of Surrey grieving her mother. She didn't wish to burden her sister with her tears and upset so she left. Surely you wouldn't begrudge her such a human emotion?"

His wife blinked looking like she would do just that. "No of course not, but this is just not done. Do you know how worried Margret was for you? Hamish? You ought to know better than to behave as such. Your mother and father were far too lenient with you it seems. Too late to fix that now."

Margret said nothing, just staring in shock at her sister. Mind whirling far too fast. Lady Ascot took her arm, "Come along, I shall have the servants prepare a room for you at least. This must be quite a shock for you."

Alice watched them lead her sister away, muttering about the undisciplined girl. That must be her.

When the door shut, she met John' eyes. "She's been beside herself you know?" he accused softly. "She was so terrified of losing you."

"I'm sorry."

He held his hand up, "I don't pretend to know where you've been, but you are here now. I wonder for how long though." he sighed, "I guess that's the way it is Alice."

She arched her brow, "But why?" Why should he lie for her?

He chuckled warmly, "Because I want to believe in that impossible dream of yours. The one with blue caterpillars and smiling gnats."

"Smiling cats" she corrected. "Thank you John."

He nodded once, "Now put on a dressing gown and come to the study, we do have business to discuss."

She nodded, waiting until he left to pull the robe on. Feeling the sting in her brow again and touched the tender spot. Then she pulled the door open and made her way to the study.

When she entered she was surprised to see Margret there, sipping tea from a cup held in shaking hands. She set the cup aside when she saw Alice and rose shakily to her feet. She crossed the room and slapped Alice across her face. Then she grabbed her in a tight hug and sobbed against her hair. "That's for scaring the life out of me!"

"I'm sorry Margret" Alice said, returning the hug and feeling the sting in her cheek. She deserved that she supposed.

"I was so afraid Alice! Some people said you were mad to run for the fire like that. They said you had died!"

Alice shook her head, "Really? Couldn't they find anything better to talk about. Its like John said. I had to deal with the hurt on my own." Bless him.

Margret sobbed into her sister, her grip so tight it hurt. "You could have grieved with me, I'd not have held it against you! We're sisters after all."

Alice stroked the darker golden hair, "I know Margret, its just something I had to do alone."

Margret sniffled loudly, "You sent letter to John but not to me. Not one Alice!" she wailed.

"I… I wasn't thinking clearly" she said, "I'm sorry." And she was. "Its ok now."

Margret shook her head sadly, "No… nothing is ok Alice."

Alice cupped her cheeks, "What is it? What is the matter?"

Margret shook her head and bit her lip so hard she drew blood.

"Margret!" Alice cried out, using the sleeve her gown to dab the crimson away.

Her sister was silent for a very long time and then she lifted teary eyes to Alice and whispered one word that explained it all, all too clearly. "Lowell."

John entered the room a moment later and blanched, "I can come back" he offered hopefully. He was clearly uncomfortable with feminine tears.

Margret shook her head and pushed Alice back gently, "No Lord Ascot, I'll go. I'm sorry, I'm just an emotional wreck."

She brushed past them and out into the hall.

Alice sank into the vacated seat and pressed her fingers to her eyes. Why did everything seem to be falling apart?

"I hate it when she calls me that" John grumped as he poured himself a stiff brandy, he took one look at Alice and poured her one as well, "After all these years." He took a sip and then handed Alice her own.

She down it choking and sputtering. "Thank you" she wheezed. He patted her soundly on the back until she lifted her hand to push him away.

"I never liked that Lowell either. Tell you a secret, your father didn't either. But she had her heart set on him."

He sat down opposite her and sipped his brandy eyeing her for a long while.

"I won't ask where you went" he said at length, "Are you going back?"

She nodded, "I hope to."

"When?"

"Three days, I think".

He leaned forward, "Alice it will shatter your sister. You are all she has left literally. Lowell has made her the fodder of the gossips. He has not been discreet with that Hattie woman. Home wrecking hen."

"I can't take her with me" Alice mourned, "And I can't adventure with you anymore. I'm sorry."

He was silent for a long time. "Are… are you happy there? Wherever there is?"

She nodded, "The happiest." She thought of her many friends, the lovely land and of course her gallant hatter. "I belong there."

"You are different somehow" he pointed out and she blushed furiously. Her heated nights with Tarrant leaping to the fore of her mind.

His graying brow lifted, "There is someone?"

The man before her had been father figure, teacher, friend and boon companion. "There is." she admitted.

He gave her a stern look, "He know you've gone round the bend?"

She leaned closer and whispered, "He's mad himself".

John chortled happily at the witty joke, "Far be it for me to stand in the way then. Your father would want your happiness and so do I Alice. So do I."

He wiped at his eye, "I think I shall miss that wonderful sense of humor the most. Rare you know. Take my wife…. Please".

Alice beamed at him, already missing his accepting nature. Too bad he didn't understand that she'd just told him the truth.

She stood and walked over to him to drop a kiss on his brow, "Thank you John"

He waved her away as he often did, smiling all the while. His eyes looked a little moist though, ''Three days isn't much time Alice. I need some last minute advice from you and you must settle your rather vast accounts. You are the wealthiest girl in western society."

"I'm not taking it" she told him, "Wouldn't do me a bit of good where I'm going. But we can talk about that later. On to business."

He blinked at her then led her to the large map he'd hung on the far wall. "I was serious about the straits" he told her. She looked and nodded.

"Would be faster. Open new ports" she pointed out, "There are pirates in that area. You do recall?"

He nodded, "And that's the problem, Alice I can't seem to find a way around them.

She shrugged, "So go through them."

"They'd ruin us!"

"Not if you sink them first."

"More cannons? The ships are already frightfully heavy Alice."

She shook her head considering the problem. "No, I shouldn't think so."

"Well?"

"What if we had smaller, faster ships?"

"Couldn't carry enough cargo to make it the effort worth it."

"Not cargo ships" she said then, an idea blooming in her head, "Gun ships. To provide protection for the shipments. We'd not have to depend on the royal navy anymore and not pay the service tax for them."

He nodded, "That might work! Alice my girl where will all my good ideas come from when you are gone?"

She smiled as she turned to leave him, "You'll just have to dust off your imagination. Oh and John?"

"Yes Alice?"

"Try to believe in six impossible things before breakfast."

Alice accompanied him to the docks the next day. He was off to see the shipbuilders. He would handle all the details of course, but Alice was free to board the 'Wonder' and say goodbye to the ship that had been her home for so long.

She waved to the sailors as she made her way to her cabin. Fingers moving lovingly over the dark, smooth wood. Her cabin was bright, a variable rainbow of costly silks and the scent of tea hung heavy here.

It was an exotic place, unlike dreary, gray England. As she looked around, she realized that these were the colors of wonderland, the scent of her hatter. Even in her forgetfulness it was as though she'd tried to create a small slice of it for herself on the ship.

Moving to her wardrobe, she opened the doors and pulled the most wonderful fabric she'd found in her travels. Two very expensive bolts of iridescent silk. After she'd purchased them, she wasn't sure why. It was much too heavy for gowns, and she hated dresses anyway.

As she ran her hands over the lovely colors, she thought of the pretty hats they could make.

She hugged the material to her, "Oh Tarrant."

She decided to see the captain and say her goodbyes and headed for the deck. There were shouts and gasps and oaths as everyone rushed to the deck. Alice followed after them.

"What's happened?" she asked a large sailor.

He reached down and hefted her to his shoulder, "Lady Alice, the 'Trident' has been damaged. She's sinkin as she comes." Alice looked out into the water and sure enough, there was the smoking ship, listing dangerously to one side.

"What caused it?" she asked.

"Accident with the black powder" Captain Harncourt said as he made his way to stand beside her, "Smitty put the lass down, we aren't at sea anymore. Proper behavior lads."

Smitty gently set her down, "Pardon miss" he said quietly.

She patted his hand, "I always appreciate the lift." she assured him. Then she turned to the captain, "Is it safe to bring her in?"

He nodded, "She won't come all the way in, she's too badly damaged to salvage. She'll sink right there. We've been ferrying the goods from her all night. The crew is barely keeping her afloat."

Alice nodded, "Terrible loss, she was such a lovely ship. How exactly did it happen?"

He shrugged, "Likely some careless hand with a lantern. Think one of the powder kegs was cracked. Only takes a spark you know? See there?" he asked pointing past her. She looked again, taking in the dark, gaping hole.

It sat at the waterline. Water sloshed in as fast as men could bail it out.

"The ship is still smoking." she pointed out, "Can't that set the powder off again?"

He shook his head, "Its all here" he told her, gesturing behind them, "I won't have it in the hold until I know which keg is damaged. Its safe enough for now."

She nodded. A plan taking root in her brain.

"Alice!"

She looked over the railing to see Lord Ascot waving to her, "Shall we?"

"Be right down!" she shouted back.

The ride back was mostly quiet. Lord Ascot was pleased with his newest commission and Alice was pondering the merits of black powder. Could that possibly be the fire she needed? As far as she knew Underland had nothing like it. Perhaps. And how much would it take?

How would she transport it? And where to? She hadn't the slightest idea where the looking glass would open the portal again. Damn and double damn.

"Alice" John said as they neared the manor, "I hate to disturb you, especially when you are plotting so nicely."

She jolted, looking guilty, "You know me too well"

"Course I do." he agreed, "But I really must ask about your estate. What shall you do with it if not take it?"

"I would like to give it to you and Margret. And I would like to see Lowell out of the picture. I'd like you to purchase a fine house for my sister."

He nodded, "I would too, but that isn't something that can happen until Margret decides it. And Alice I don't think she will."

Alice sighed, "If she didn't depend on him so much, she might change her mind. If she could travel a bit I think it would help."

John shook his head, "Margret isn't as intrepid as you Alice. Can you see her hacking her way through jungles or hiking up Chinese mountains?"

"No" Alice agreed, "But there are other things she would be able to do much better."

"Indeed?"

"She is very feminine" she pointed out, "She has an eye for fabrics, trinkets, thing ladies would like. You could increase your product list. Women pay handsomely for exotic treasures."

And didn't he know it. He watched Alice stroke the material at her side. "You might be on to something Alice. I shall give it much thought."

"Thank you."

"It's a fine idea" he said. And it truly was.

That night Alice sat in the parlor with her sister and listened to all of it. The terrible sordid truth. Margret poured out her heart and Alice's own ached for her. She was properly sympathetic but she really wanted to do was kick Lowell in his shins until he couldn't walk straight.

She could only imagine what Tarrant would have said. That angry brogue morphing in her mind to a seductive burr.

"I wish I were as brave as you" Margret confessed and Alice's attention snapped to her again.

"What?"

Her sister nodded, "I was scandalized when you refused Hamish. It seemed like the wrong thing to do at the time. But then you were gone and making your own path. I told you that you would marry him and your life would be perfect like mine was with Lowell. But it wasn't Alice!"

"My adventures were not without their challenges" Alice said smoothly.

"I did everything a proper wife should Alice. I smiled, never raised my voice, agreed with everything he said. I was always ready to go out and look my best. I doted on that man, hung on his every word!"

"And that's wrong" Alice said plainly, "You should only ever be yourself. That's what love is all about Margret. Wanting someone flaws and all."

Margret sniffed, "I don't even know who I am anymore." She admitted sadly.

Alice took her hand, "You are at a crossroads Margret. Lowell isn't going to change and he doesn't deserve you. The choice is now yours. Will you accept his horrid treatment, or will you make your own path?"

Margret smiled a wobbly smile, "Too late for that now isn't it? How can she even like doing… that!"

Alice hugged her sister and shushed her, "Margret, when someone loves you, really loves you, it's a wonderful thing. Not at all like you think."

Margret pulled back and blinked owlishly at her. "Alice! You haven't!"

Alice refused to back down, "I have. I love him and am going to be his wife when all this mess is sorted out. Its not nasty or over quickly and I didn't lay back and wish for it to end. I really don't think Lowell was doing it correctly. Maybe he doesn't know how."

"Alice…"

"When he loves you enough to do it right Margret you will want it, need it. And that is what makes it so wonderful. When a man's pleasure relies on your own."

She understood now why Tarrant had laughed at her early beliefs on the matter. It was sad and yet so baldly amusing to hear her sister talk as though she'd found something rather nasty on the bottom of her shoe.

Alice would have to wait until the portal opened, but when it did, she very much wanted to do it again. "I want you to find that happiness and that love Margret. And I don't believe you'll find it here."

Margret sat opened mouthed, stunned at her sister's confession and her words. Alice made it sound lovely, wonderful even. But how could that be? It had never been wonderful for her, not even remotely enjoyable. She lowered her head.

Across the room Alice saw a slight shimmer in the parlor mirror and bit her lip. At least now she knew where the portal would open.

"I'm leaving again soon" she told her sister, " I love you very much and I want you to promise me one thing. Can you do that?"

"Maybe."

"If and when the chance comes to leap, jump in with both feet and don't look back. When you find your road all the hurt will be worth it. Can you promise me that?"

"Alice…"

"Promise me Margret."

"Yes. I promise."

Alice nodded, happier now, " I have some shipping details to work out."

She moved to leave the room stopping at the door and smiled back at her sister before pulling the wooden panel closed behind her.

Margret stared at the door in confusion, "I.. I love you too Alice."