Clutching My Cure

Chapter Eighteen


Xanatos filled a glass full of liquor before turning toward his young lover. Obi-Wan sat hunched in a chair, his head turned toward the window as he stared blindly out at the lowering sun. The distance between them was far wider than just that of what existed in the room. Even their bond was oddly silent, both men keeping themselves closed off from the other.

Tossing the drink back in a single gulp, Xanatos had to refill it before making his way over to the other man. Obi-Wan jumped in surprise as the drink was pressed into his hand, his gaze lifting to briefly meet his lovers, only to slide away as he wrapped his hands around the glass. He brought the glass to his lips and sipped at the strong liquid as he waited for what he knew was to come.

“Care to explain the new marks branding young Chun? Or the thick scent of sex that clings to you both?”

Flinching at the cold voice, Obi-Wan lowered the glass as he formed his words. “He begged me for one last fuck, to remember me by. It was meaningless to me. The marks I made right before we entered the room. I wanted there to be no doubt in Jinn’s mind what his apprentice had been up to.”

A humorless chuckle broke from his lips. “I didn’t count on Chun twisting things the way he did.”

“He’s been in love with you since you were children,” Xanatos shared, unfazed by Obi-Wan’s startled look. “If you asked, he’d most likely leave the Jedi to be with you.”

“Wouldn’t that hurt Jinn,” Obi-Wan breathed thoughtfully.

Xanatos took a seat on the side of the bed and eyed the younger man. “Why do I sense you haven’t been completely honest with me about your reasons for hating Jinn?”

A betraying blush stained Obi-Wan’s cheeks. “What do you mean?”

“Your reaction in there was…uncontrolled to say the least. It seemed wildly disproportionate for what happened on Melida/Daan.”

Obi-Wan’s hand tightened around the glass, his face going hard and cold. “I was asked to leave the planet after Jinn abandoned me there. I was no longer of any use to either side once I’d quit the Order. They refused to lend me the credits to pay for passage off-planet so I was forced to improvise. I found a pilot who’d just dropped off a shipment and begged him to give me a left.”

Xanatos felt a chill take hold as he sensed what was coming next. He wanted to tell Obi-Wan to stop, to forget telling him. Instead he braced himself for whatever was about to be shared.

“He agreed, for a price.” Obi-Wan seemed to shrink back in the chair as the memories came flooding back. “I can remember the first time as if it happened yesterday. It took me several days before I realized that he was enjoying my pain and cries to stop. But I learned, and I became lost in the Force as he used me. I was able to block out his grunts of pleasure, block out the sweat and smell of his dirty body. The taste.”

A sob forced Obi-Wan to break off and gather himself before continuing. “Over the years I focused all of the anger, disgust and hurt from that trip toward thoughts of Jinn. If he hadn’t abandoned me, rejected me, that never would have happened!”

Tears slipped from beneath long lashes as Obi-Wan stared at him with a look of loss. Overcome with emotion, Xanatos acted on instinct and pulled his lover from the chair, wrapping him up in a comforting embrace. The younger man clung to him as if grasping for a lifeline, some calm in a sea of chaos. Xanatos dropped his shields and allowed his intense feelings of love and affection to cradle Obi-Wan in a safe cocoon.

“This may be the one and only time you hear me spout Jedi babble at you. You have to let go of those feelings or they’ll consume you. Right now you’re allowing them to direct your life and everything you do. They’ve crippled you emotionally and if you’re not careful, you’ll soon find yourself alone with nothing but your anger for company.”

Obi-Wan stiffened in his embrace. “Is that a threat?”

A weary sigh drifted over the top of his head as Xanatos pulled back far enough to hold his gaze. “It’s the truth. You can only push someone away so many times before they get the picture and leave for good. I for one don’t want a life based on lies and uncertainty, never knowing from day-to-day where I stand.”

Leaning down he kissed Obi-Wan with aching tenderness, his fingers lightly ghosting over attractive features. “Go and wash that stench from your body while I check on our Jedi guests. Let’s spend the night replacing those horrific memories with some pleasant ones.”

Obi-Wan nodded obediently and hurried into the fresher. Left alone, Xanatos rubbed aching eyes before turning toward the door. He wasn’t looking forward to the questions Jinn no doubt had.


****************

Bruck watched in sorrow as his mentor sat back in the chair with a look of utter devastation on his face. He hadn’t wanted to admit to his mentor what Obi-Wan had gone through on the trip off Melida/Daan, knowing what the Jedi Master’s reaction would be.

"It wasn’t your fault." His words were met with a look of disbelief.

"How can you believe that? It was my stubborn blindness and wounded pride that made me abandon him on a war torn planet. Even if I didn’t think we could ever rebuild the trust between us, I owed it to him to bring him home safely,” Qui-Gon stated in a pained tone. “Obi-Wan has every right to hate me.”

“But you went back after him.”

“Several weeks later. I’m not certain I can ever forgive myself so why would I expect him to?”

Bruck felt his heart drop at the certainty in his mentor’s voice. Shoulder’s slumping, he scooted closer and rested the side of his head against Qui-Gon’s bent knees. The next breath he drew was nearly a sob, his eyes falling shut against the sting of tears.

“I’m so sorry, Master. I know I’ve let you down by being a willing participant in…in the sex. I’m weak.”

“Padawan,” Qui-Gon grimaced in frustration as he was unable to rest a comforting hand on his apprentice. “Is what you told me earlier true? Have you had feelings for Obi-Wan since you were children?”

Bruck lifted his head and allowed Qui-Gon to see the depth of emotions that churned in his eyes. “I love him. I think I’m sentenced to a life of loving him in vain.”

Qui-Gon smiled kindly at the young man. “Then there is nothing for you to be ashamed of. You gave yourself to the man you love. I only wish I could spare you the pain of the inevitable separation that lies ahead.”

Bruck relaxed at the words as if a knot inside was suddenly unraveled. “I’m not sure what Obi-Wan feels, but deCrion is deeply in love with him.”

Before Qui-Gon could react to that bombshell and the pain it caused him, the door opened and the subject of their discussion stepped inside the room. Xanatos gestured several of his men inside and watched as they pulled Bruck to his feet.

“The men will escort you back to your room so you can clean up and change.”

“What about Master Qui-Gon?” Bruck exclaimed as he was hustled toward the door.

“He and I have a few things to discuss,” Xanatos supplied right before the door slid shut on Bruck and his escorts.

Eyes locking, Qui-Gon and Xanatos studied one another in silence for several tense minutes.