Leibe und Folterung

It didn't take a genius to feel the pain that was still running rampant through Jaina. It had only been two months since Kyp had left, but life went on despite having your heart ripped out. Mara Jade Skywalker, Jaina's aunt and mentor, had taken to keeping an eye on her niece when she could. She knew she was an adult and heartbreak was a common thing for any young woman, but she was still worried for her. Mara's husband, Luke Skywalker, was also worried for his niece. He had always known of the connection that lay between Jaina and Kyp and had often wondered if it would blossom into anything. Time would heal all wounds; at least that's what many thought. Luke and Mara had chosen to eat in the mess hall with their son, Ben, so they could keep an eye on their niece without intruding too much.

Jaina looked up as someone sat across from her. She looked down. "Go away, Fel," she mumbled. She knew her aunt and uncle were keeping an eye on her because they were worried, but she didn't need this from Jag.

"You know, I've left you alone for the past two months, not anymore, you owe me at least an explanation," Jag said.

"I owe you nothing," Jaina said roughly, stabbing at her food. "Besides, you've moved on, what does it matter?"

"It matters because even though we didn't work out I still consider you a friend and someone I care about," Jag said. "And despite what you think, Shawnkyr is worried for you as well." Shawnkyr and Jag had started having a relationship the month before, but secretly Jaina suspected that there had always been something there, but Jag had felt it wasn't right at the time.

"Why does it matter to either of you?" Jaina asked.

"Because you are hurting," Jag said.

"It doesn't matter," Jaina said, continuing to poke at her food.

"It does matter," Jag said. "Look, it hurt me, what you said. But now I realize it was probably best. I love Shawnkyr very much. I think I always did. Another thing I realized is that you are hurting because Durron left."

"Don't, please," Jaina said, setting her fork down.

"No, this needs to be said," Jag said. "I'm not trying to hurt you Jaina, but it was obvious you loved him, you still do. It's written all over your face."

"He still left me," Jaina said.

"He left cause of me," Jag said, almost remorseful. "You were right about that. Jaina I never meant for that to happen. But a part of me was jealous of him."

"Why?" Jaina asked softly. "You just said you always loved Shawnkyr."

"Because he had something I never did, other than your heart," Jag said.

"What was that?" Jaina asked.

"The ability to know you," Jag said. "Despite all your intentions of letting me in, no one knew you like he did."

"If he knew me so well, he wouldn't have left me behind," Jaina said, her voice cracking slightly.

Jag sighed, watching her. He reached over and took her hand. It was like holding an ice cube in his hand. Almost as if she had spent a few minutes on Hoth in its frigid air. Stroking the back of her hand, he looked at her. "I'm your friend, I'll never stop being that," he said softly. "But don't shut us out because of your broken heart. Let us help you through this. I know your family is worried."

Jaina felt the tears forming. "Anakin's gone," she whispered. "Jacen's gone. Now Kyp."

"Your mother doesn't think Jacen's gone," Jag said gently. "And I honestly think Kyp will be back. Anakin wouldn't want you to grieve for him forever."

"I can't feel any of them anymore," Jaina whispered. "They were always so strong to me in the Force, now there's nothing. Like they don't exist anymore."

"Anakin IS gone," Jag said. "But Jacen may have sheltered you from what he's enduring, and I'm sure you've shut Kyp out unintentionally, perhaps even intentionally. But Jaina, life goes on, and you have to go on with it."

Jaina stood so abruptly that Jag thought he was going to get hit again like he had two months prior. She looked at him then fled the mess hall. She ran blindly, not caring where she was going.

"Jaina!" Leia Organa-Solo proclaimed as she caught her daughter's arms. They slid to the ground as Jaina collapsed against her mother in tears. Leia started stroking her hair. "Shh," she whispered. "What is it?"

"He's not coming back is he?" Jaina whispered against her.

Leia frowned. She stretched out a moment to figure out whom her daughter was talking about. A sigh escaped her when she found the source of her pain. "I don't know, honey," she said honestly. "I think he loves you enough to come back, but if he thinks that you and Jag are together, he may stay away so you don't have to choose."

"That wasn't his choice to make!" Jaina said, her voice an anguished cry. It broke Leia's heart.

"He felt it was," Leia said. "I'm not saying I agree with what he's done, but did what he thought best."

"I feel like he ripped my heart out," Jaina whispered.

"He did," Leia said. "But in the process he ripped his out too. This wasn't easy for him."

"I want to hate him," Jaina said.

Leia chuckled a bit and stroked her hair. "You may want to, but you can't," she said softly. "You can't because you love him, and no matter what happens, you will always love him."

"I thought love was supposed to feel good," Jaina said.

"Generally it does," Leia said. "But some times it's the worst torture you could ever endure."

"So what do I do?" Jaina asked.

"You live," Leia answered. "No matter how hard it is or how much it hurts, you prove to yourself, and even to Kyp, that you can and will go on without him here."

"And if he comes back?"

"Cross that bridge when you get to it," Leia said.

Jaina smiled sadly. "Thanks, Mom," she said.

"Anytime, sweetie."