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The Adventures of Leigh and Leia: The Labyrinth
folder
G through L › Labyrinth
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
5
Views:
2,014
Reviews:
8
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
G through L › Labyrinth
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
5
Views:
2,014
Reviews:
8
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Labyrinth, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
The Goblin King
Disclaimer: The Labyrinth and attending characters do not belong to us. We're just borrowing them for awhile, would that we could in RL. They belong solely to Jim Henson....gotta love those muppets. Any characters that weren't in the movie are probably our creation, so please don't borrow without permission. That said, enjoy the show...er story.
**Author's Note** This fanfic is a joint effort by Gaeliceyes and Yomibitorazo. Barring the fact that I can't seem to list two authors anywhere else, I'm telling you here. It's personally my first attempt at posting a fan fiction story, so feel free to be brutally honest, but keep in mind that it's meant to be a light, amusing parody. Given that fact, there is a serious lack of depth to most of the characters. Enjoy, or as our heroine's will say, "Slante! and Kanpai!"
Leia blinked blearily as lightening flashed, illuminating what appeared to be the world's supply of glitter falling through the air in front of them. Peering into the flickering darkness, she perceived the familiar form of the Goblin King...zeroing in on "The Bulge."
She crowed triumphantly, "Bulge! Kanpai!"
"Slante!" Leigh replied. They tossed back the remaining liqueur in their bottles. "Refill!" she declared.
They simultaneously reached behind themselves for another bottle, hands grasping red, bare branches instead.
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto," Leia quipped.
"Wrong movie," Leigh rapped the crown of her head.
A throat cleared in front of them, drawing their attention. They started with the black boots, moving up the gray breeches framed by a black cloak, freezing just before the waistband. Pointing as one they cried, "Bulge!" They then cast their eyes desperately to the dusty ground.
"Where's the damn alcohol?!" Leia bemoaned.
Again a throat cleared, this time followed by a deep, cultured voice. "What a predicament we find ourselves in?"
"What a dream come true, I say," Leigh commented, after their eyes had traveled the remaining distance to the Goblin King's face. It seemed to the two inebriated women that they had finally passed out and were now dreaming. The brown and gray eyes returned to point lower on the Fae King's body.
"Are you dreaming what I'm dreaming?"
"If you're dreaming The Bulge is less than five feet away and not trapped behind a TV screen, then yes." This was met with a deliriously, drunken laugh and a dreamy look.
Growing impatient with the lack of focus, Jareth whipped his crop smartly against his knee-high boot, causing the women to jump in surprise. "Are you quite done now?" a note of irritation creeping into his voice.
They looked to one another as though seriously considering the question. Finally Leia answered honestly, "No, I don't think so. Though if this is my fantasy, I think there would be less clothes."
"And more crop!" Leigh piped in, stifling a giggle.
Jareth looked somewhere between taken aback and bemused at their replies. "I fail to understand your lack of concern for your situation."
"And I fail to undershtand," Leia said in mock scolding, " why you have too much clothes on. It's my dream and I want you to have less clothes, right now!"
"And more crop!" Leigh said, "Or flog, or handcuffs, or silk scarves...blindfolds! Blindfolds are good! Maybe we should be in my dream right now, Leia. Jareth's usually much more cooperative in my fantasies."
Jareth lifted a gloved hand to his face realizing smug superiority had no effect on two drunken and apparently horny women. He would have to think of another way of getting their attention before they decide to try and strip him. A sudden thought occurred to him; he knew just the thing to snap them out of it. He walked forward, stepping warily between them. Their heads turned to catch a rear view, which was most unfortunately obstructed by the billowing cloak. At the sight of the dark fabric their thoughts turned to other brooding, caped characters.
"Helloooo Professor Snape," Leia said.
"Helloooo Darth Vader," Leigh replied. Before they could crack yet another smart remark, they were suddenly assailed by the foulest odor they had ever smelt.
"Uhg, I think this tops my brother's dirty laundry," Leia groaned.
Leigh was unable to comment, instead making small "erp" sounds, covering her mouth and nose with both hands. Beyond Jareth's feet the two women could see a vast meer of putrid, viscous liquid spread out beneath a canopy of arthritic, mossy trees. The color was somewhere between that of toxic waste and raw sewage, and it burbbled like a hissing tar pit. It was their first true glimpse of the bubbling, oozing pools of the Bog of Eternal Stench. The movie really didn't do it justice. As Leia began to gag, the Goblin King moved between them and they were outside the Labyrinth walls once again.
Leigh flopped back declaring. "Everything's spinning! Stop the world, please, I want to get off!"
Leia lay beside her moaning miserably.
"I trust I have your full attention now," Jareth said smoothly, one eyebrow quirked upward.
"Yeah, well I don't think this is a dream anymore. It's more like a nightmare." Leigh mumbled.
"You mean this isn't a dream?" Leia's voice was plaintive.
He raised his eyebrows at their reluctance to focus still, answering smugly, "No, it's not."
"Does that mean the clothes stay on?" The muffled question came from Leia, her face buried in her arms.
"Yes, they do."
"Shit," Leigh moaned, "This just illushtratesh my point that all men suck. They won't even leave us our fantasies."
"And with our luck, he sucks literally."
The Goblin King appeared unable to follow this train of thought, choosing instead to dismiss it. "May we now get down to business?"
"I could say something right now, but I don't think you'd appreciate it," Leia snapped back.
Ignoring the comment he continued. "The first one to solve the labyrinth sends their friend home..."
"Well that's not much for motivation," Leia muttered.
"...And stays here forever." The Goblin King finished. There was silence for a moment as the two women digested this information. They both thought carefully on the idea of being trapped forever at the mercy of the very delicious and wickedly sexy Goblin King, and came to the same inescapable conclusion.
Suddenly Leigh spoke up. "Leia forfeits!" she proclaimed.
"Hey, you can't do that!" Leia cried.
"I just did," Leigh said smugly.
The Goblin King interrupted. "I’m afraid she is correct. You cannot forfeit for her."
"Damn," Leigh sigh, falling back to the ground again, "but it was worth a try."
"Okay, how 'bout thish: What if neither of us moves from thish shpot for the next 13 hours?" Leia queried.
"You both will become one of us, forever. You will be amply provided for whilst you reside with us." A sinister smile broke across his face. "I know the perfect cottage for you, too. It has a most lovely view of the Bog of Eternal Stench."
They processed this for all of 30 seconds before Leigh stood and declared, "I think I'm up for a walk, How about you?" She stuck out a hand to help Leia stand.
"Ah, ah, ah," The Goblin King tsked. "It would seem I forgot to mention the "No Helping" rule." To which Leigh immediately released Leia's hand. Leia fell to the dry ground with a hardy 'thump', unsettling a thick cloud of red dust. She promptly began to alternately cough and sneeze.
Soon she managed to wheeze out, "Inhaler, I need...[wheeze]...my inhaler."
"You have the use of only that with which you came," Jareth stated in an off-hand manner, as if it was a perfectly reasonable statement to make to a girl choking at his feet.
Leia began to hyperventilate in panic. "You [gasp] can't [wheeze] let me [choking cough] die [cough] before I [gasp] even start [wheeze] running! [hiccup]"
"Yeah!" Leigh chimed in. "That's not fair!"
"Surely you are overreacting." A crystal appeared with a flick of his wrist, rolling across his fingers. The Fae then tossed the sphere at Leia's face. It burst just before contact. "That particular problem should not bother you again for the next 13 hours."
She took a cautionary deep breath before exclaiming in shock, "I can breath? Sweet Jesus, I can breath! You could make a fortune selling those things."
“Doesn’t that count as ‘helping’?” Leigh queried.
With the hauteur only he could pull off, Jareth said, “I may help or hinder as I wish.”
“Bastard,” Leia muttered.
“God, men suck.”
“Literally.”
Jareth narrowed his eyes, but held his tongue, finally comprehending the oft-repeated statement. With a flourish of his cloak (“Hellooo Professor Vader”) he turned and indicated the path down the hill leading to the walls of the Labyrinth. “You have 13 hours in which to solve the Labyrinth before you become one of us, forever. Such a pity.” These parting words seemed to resound in their heads as he faded from sight.
As the two women moved stumbling down the hill, Leia could be heard mumbling, “You’d think he’d change that line once in a while.”
**Author's Note** This fanfic is a joint effort by Gaeliceyes and Yomibitorazo. Barring the fact that I can't seem to list two authors anywhere else, I'm telling you here. It's personally my first attempt at posting a fan fiction story, so feel free to be brutally honest, but keep in mind that it's meant to be a light, amusing parody. Given that fact, there is a serious lack of depth to most of the characters. Enjoy, or as our heroine's will say, "Slante! and Kanpai!"
Leia blinked blearily as lightening flashed, illuminating what appeared to be the world's supply of glitter falling through the air in front of them. Peering into the flickering darkness, she perceived the familiar form of the Goblin King...zeroing in on "The Bulge."
She crowed triumphantly, "Bulge! Kanpai!"
"Slante!" Leigh replied. They tossed back the remaining liqueur in their bottles. "Refill!" she declared.
They simultaneously reached behind themselves for another bottle, hands grasping red, bare branches instead.
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto," Leia quipped.
"Wrong movie," Leigh rapped the crown of her head.
A throat cleared in front of them, drawing their attention. They started with the black boots, moving up the gray breeches framed by a black cloak, freezing just before the waistband. Pointing as one they cried, "Bulge!" They then cast their eyes desperately to the dusty ground.
"Where's the damn alcohol?!" Leia bemoaned.
Again a throat cleared, this time followed by a deep, cultured voice. "What a predicament we find ourselves in?"
"What a dream come true, I say," Leigh commented, after their eyes had traveled the remaining distance to the Goblin King's face. It seemed to the two inebriated women that they had finally passed out and were now dreaming. The brown and gray eyes returned to point lower on the Fae King's body.
"Are you dreaming what I'm dreaming?"
"If you're dreaming The Bulge is less than five feet away and not trapped behind a TV screen, then yes." This was met with a deliriously, drunken laugh and a dreamy look.
Growing impatient with the lack of focus, Jareth whipped his crop smartly against his knee-high boot, causing the women to jump in surprise. "Are you quite done now?" a note of irritation creeping into his voice.
They looked to one another as though seriously considering the question. Finally Leia answered honestly, "No, I don't think so. Though if this is my fantasy, I think there would be less clothes."
"And more crop!" Leigh piped in, stifling a giggle.
Jareth looked somewhere between taken aback and bemused at their replies. "I fail to understand your lack of concern for your situation."
"And I fail to undershtand," Leia said in mock scolding, " why you have too much clothes on. It's my dream and I want you to have less clothes, right now!"
"And more crop!" Leigh said, "Or flog, or handcuffs, or silk scarves...blindfolds! Blindfolds are good! Maybe we should be in my dream right now, Leia. Jareth's usually much more cooperative in my fantasies."
Jareth lifted a gloved hand to his face realizing smug superiority had no effect on two drunken and apparently horny women. He would have to think of another way of getting their attention before they decide to try and strip him. A sudden thought occurred to him; he knew just the thing to snap them out of it. He walked forward, stepping warily between them. Their heads turned to catch a rear view, which was most unfortunately obstructed by the billowing cloak. At the sight of the dark fabric their thoughts turned to other brooding, caped characters.
"Helloooo Professor Snape," Leia said.
"Helloooo Darth Vader," Leigh replied. Before they could crack yet another smart remark, they were suddenly assailed by the foulest odor they had ever smelt.
"Uhg, I think this tops my brother's dirty laundry," Leia groaned.
Leigh was unable to comment, instead making small "erp" sounds, covering her mouth and nose with both hands. Beyond Jareth's feet the two women could see a vast meer of putrid, viscous liquid spread out beneath a canopy of arthritic, mossy trees. The color was somewhere between that of toxic waste and raw sewage, and it burbbled like a hissing tar pit. It was their first true glimpse of the bubbling, oozing pools of the Bog of Eternal Stench. The movie really didn't do it justice. As Leia began to gag, the Goblin King moved between them and they were outside the Labyrinth walls once again.
Leigh flopped back declaring. "Everything's spinning! Stop the world, please, I want to get off!"
Leia lay beside her moaning miserably.
"I trust I have your full attention now," Jareth said smoothly, one eyebrow quirked upward.
"Yeah, well I don't think this is a dream anymore. It's more like a nightmare." Leigh mumbled.
"You mean this isn't a dream?" Leia's voice was plaintive.
He raised his eyebrows at their reluctance to focus still, answering smugly, "No, it's not."
"Does that mean the clothes stay on?" The muffled question came from Leia, her face buried in her arms.
"Yes, they do."
"Shit," Leigh moaned, "This just illushtratesh my point that all men suck. They won't even leave us our fantasies."
"And with our luck, he sucks literally."
The Goblin King appeared unable to follow this train of thought, choosing instead to dismiss it. "May we now get down to business?"
"I could say something right now, but I don't think you'd appreciate it," Leia snapped back.
Ignoring the comment he continued. "The first one to solve the labyrinth sends their friend home..."
"Well that's not much for motivation," Leia muttered.
"...And stays here forever." The Goblin King finished. There was silence for a moment as the two women digested this information. They both thought carefully on the idea of being trapped forever at the mercy of the very delicious and wickedly sexy Goblin King, and came to the same inescapable conclusion.
Suddenly Leigh spoke up. "Leia forfeits!" she proclaimed.
"Hey, you can't do that!" Leia cried.
"I just did," Leigh said smugly.
The Goblin King interrupted. "I’m afraid she is correct. You cannot forfeit for her."
"Damn," Leigh sigh, falling back to the ground again, "but it was worth a try."
"Okay, how 'bout thish: What if neither of us moves from thish shpot for the next 13 hours?" Leia queried.
"You both will become one of us, forever. You will be amply provided for whilst you reside with us." A sinister smile broke across his face. "I know the perfect cottage for you, too. It has a most lovely view of the Bog of Eternal Stench."
They processed this for all of 30 seconds before Leigh stood and declared, "I think I'm up for a walk, How about you?" She stuck out a hand to help Leia stand.
"Ah, ah, ah," The Goblin King tsked. "It would seem I forgot to mention the "No Helping" rule." To which Leigh immediately released Leia's hand. Leia fell to the dry ground with a hardy 'thump', unsettling a thick cloud of red dust. She promptly began to alternately cough and sneeze.
Soon she managed to wheeze out, "Inhaler, I need...[wheeze]...my inhaler."
"You have the use of only that with which you came," Jareth stated in an off-hand manner, as if it was a perfectly reasonable statement to make to a girl choking at his feet.
Leia began to hyperventilate in panic. "You [gasp] can't [wheeze] let me [choking cough] die [cough] before I [gasp] even start [wheeze] running! [hiccup]"
"Yeah!" Leigh chimed in. "That's not fair!"
"Surely you are overreacting." A crystal appeared with a flick of his wrist, rolling across his fingers. The Fae then tossed the sphere at Leia's face. It burst just before contact. "That particular problem should not bother you again for the next 13 hours."
She took a cautionary deep breath before exclaiming in shock, "I can breath? Sweet Jesus, I can breath! You could make a fortune selling those things."
“Doesn’t that count as ‘helping’?” Leigh queried.
With the hauteur only he could pull off, Jareth said, “I may help or hinder as I wish.”
“Bastard,” Leia muttered.
“God, men suck.”
“Literally.”
Jareth narrowed his eyes, but held his tongue, finally comprehending the oft-repeated statement. With a flourish of his cloak (“Hellooo Professor Vader”) he turned and indicated the path down the hill leading to the walls of the Labyrinth. “You have 13 hours in which to solve the Labyrinth before you become one of us, forever. Such a pity.” These parting words seemed to resound in their heads as he faded from sight.
As the two women moved stumbling down the hill, Leia could be heard mumbling, “You’d think he’d change that line once in a while.”