When Audiences Join the Show

It was the front of a church when we faded in; the still frame burst to life as the doors of the Denton Catholic Church where flung open and Mendelssohn's wedding March was resounding from the church organ. I was throwing rice with the rest of the wedding party for Ralph and his new wife Betty. But they don’t matter and you know it. The minister shook Ralph by the hand while Ralph slipped him a $20 bill. The two Photographers started the wonderful movie, and made me wonder how people in the movie would react to how I was about to scream at every wonderfully planned given point. Let’s watch.

“Here they come.” Said one photographer as I said, “So dose Brad.” But as I though I was ignored. The man continued with his partner. “Smile nicely. Parents and the grandparents, yes all the close family.”

I smiled getting into the picture too, just for the hell of it, “Give us a nod! God what ugly kids.”

“Smile... ...oh, that’s beautiful. And. ...smile.” and the photo was taken, Ralph and Brad moved closer to the invisible camera to have a private conversation, me of cores, not too far behind them.

“Hey, terrific!” Ralph said as the photographer gave him a “Congratulations.” Ralph looked to Brad and punched his shoulder. “Well, I guess we really did it, huh?” he asked and I started yelling “Asshole Fight! Asshole Fight!”

“Don’t think there’s any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott’s refresher course.” Said Brad

“They used superglue as a contraceptive.” I said, and to my surprise, Brad blushed a little.

“Well, to tell you the truth Brad, that was the only reason I showed up in the first place. I mean...” but his own wife cut him off, as Betty stood ready to throw the bouquet.

“Okay you guys, this is it! You ready?”

“Looks like Betty’s going to throw her bouquet.” He said, as I moved closer to the church doors.

“Throw it to the slut!” I yelled. Betty tossed it into the air and the women scrambled to get it, it hit my head and that bitch Janet grabbed it yelling, “I got it! I got it!” I rubbed my hair looking pissed as I stood and wiped the dirt off my dress “How was it?” Ralph smirked hitting Brad again “Hey big fella... ...looks like it could be your turn next eh?”

“Who knows?” Brad asked as I held a hand up in the air saying mysteriously “The Shadow Knows!”

Before I knew it the wedding car pulled up and hit me. I crawled out from under it moaning as Ralph climbed in “Well, so long. See you Brad!” I saw Brad’s blank look and yelled “Think about it Asshole!” as Ralph Bid his goodbye again. “Old farts…” I muttered as I stood, my back making a comedic but very painful cracking sound. Janet wondered over to Brad smiling widely as I walked behind them.

“Oh Brad wasn’t it wonderful?”

“No.” I said rubbing my neck.

“Didn’t Betty look radiantly beautiful?”

“No.” I said again, stretching.

Janet sighed “Oh, I can’t believe that an hour ago she was plain old Betty Monroe, and now...”

“She’s still plain.”

“ ...Now she’s Mrs. Ralph,”

“Horseshit.”

“Hapschatt.” She corrected me letting out another sigh as I tagged along behind them. They walked along slowly as I pointed out the masturbating angel. “Yes Janet, Ralph’s a lucky guy.” Said Brad.

I scoffed, “Lucky hell, Betty’s got the Clap!”

“Yes” said Janet, but I’m not sure if she was agreeing with Brad or me. Just then an old woman passed by sobbing into her husband’s shirt “Oh I always cry at weddings!” I spit at the ground looking at her “And I laugh at funerals bitch.” The woman gave me a look and hurried away as I changed into pants, with a snap of my finger of cores. Movie Magic.

“Why everyone knows that Betty’s a wonderful little cook.” Said Brad.

“And a great Fuck.” I said spitting again.

“Yes” said Janet, how did she know that Betty was a great fuck? Must have experimented in collage. I looked around noticing a Billboard. “Why the fuck is there a bill board in the cemetery?” I asked, plopping my fat ass onto a grave.

“Why Ralph himself, he’ll be in line for a promotion in a year or two.” Said Brad, looking at me accusingly, like I was going to say anything about that, I mean, Ralph is a really good guy, it’s Betty that’s a bitch.

“Yes.” Said Janet, agreeing to my thoughts. Three “yes’s” mean you’re on my side.

“Hey Janet?” started Brad, pulling her attention away from me.

“Yes Brad?” Four yes’s…I was on a roll!

“I’ve got something to say…”

“Then say it Asshole.” I said, earning me an angry look from him.

“I really loved the…”

”Starts with an S, Try ‘skillful’”

“Skillful way.”

“What a fucking genius.” I laughed.

“You beat the girls…”

”With whips and chains”

“To the brides bouquet.”

“Have and Orgasm Bitch!” I yelled as the tune struck up, Janet let out a dreamy sigh as I pointed at Brad “Sing it Asshole!”

“The river was deep, but I swam it.”

“Janet.” A disguised Riff Raff and Magenta joined me, but Brad and Janet don’t need to know whom they are, do they? I know I’m throwing off the whole song with these little bits between versus but I want to, this is audience participation!

“The future is ours so let’s plan it.”

“Janet.” I fallowed behind the lovers, bound to add in my two cents.

“So please don’t tell me to can it.”

“Janet!”

“There’s one thing to say and that’s.”

“Damnit Janet Lets go Screw!” I sang.

“That’s not what I was going to say!” he accused, but I smirked.

“Your going to lose your beat asshole!” so he continued.

“The road was long, but I ran it.”

“Janet.”

“There’s a fire in my heart and you fan it.”

“Janet! Hey Riff kill that smirf!” I yelled as Riff Raff tossed his pitchfork into the bushes below. There was a light “la, la, la, la, la, AHH!” emitted. Brad continued again.

“If there’s one fool for you then I am it.”

“Janet.”

” I have one thing to say and that’s damn it! Janet! I love you!” he seemed relived to get the words out, but I still had a bag of pennies to add my two cents.

“Only assholes draw on church doors.” I sat on the stoop but Brad pushed me out of the way to get on his knee. “Here’s the ring to prove that I’m no joker.”

“It’s glass.”

“There’s three ways that love can grow.”

”Find um’ Fuck um’ and forget um’” I said

“That’s Good, Bad or Mediocre!” I hit his hand sending the ring to the ground where Janet grabbed at it greedily.

“How do you spell slut?”

“Oh J-A-N-E-T I love you so!” He sang as she ran threw the church doors. I came in behind them sitting in a pew.

“Oh it’s nicer then Betty Monroe had!”

“Oh Brad.”

“Now we’re engaged and I’m so glad.”

”Oh Brad”

“That you…”

“Fucked mom and you blow dad!” I sang over her, smiling.

“Oh Brad” The chorus kept going so they didn’t have time to stop me!

“There’s one thing to say and that’s: Brad, I’m mad for…”

“A screw!” She started walking down the isle with brad in the traditional wedding march as I smirked.

“Oh Brad….”

“Oh….”

“Shit.” I said, as he tried to match her step.

“I’m…”

“Pregnant.”

“Oh…”

“Double shit! It’s not yours! Well fuck you!” I sang as they looked at me, mouths agape.

“There’s one thing left to do…” They sang together, but I interjected. “That’s screw! Pick a bugger then let it fly asshole!”

“And that’s go see the man who began it!”

“Janet”

“When we met at his science exam-it.”

“What the fuck is an exam-it?” I asked, being ignored now.

“Made me give you the eye and then panic.”

“Janet.”

“Now I’ve one thing to say and that’s...”

“Damnit Janet lets go Screw! Asshole tango!” I clapped my hands as they danced by a newly placed casket.

“Damnit Janet…”

“Oh Brad! I’m Mad!”

“Damnit Janet!”

I took in a breath, grinning but I was taken to the next scene with Charlie Gray so they got to get the final words in.

“I love you.”



I sat next to Charlie as he looked at a camera, making a diary as a Criminologist.

“I would like…”

“A fucking Neck?”

“Who are you?” he demanded, I was taken slightly aback. They had chosen to ignore me for the most part, but I guess when you’re with the narrator you get to be acknowledged from time to time.

“Why my name is Krista, I’m an unknown character.”

”Don’t bull shit me young lady, I want to know who you are and what you are doing here.” I laughed sitting on his desk.

“Why I’m a young lady who is just having a bit of fun!”

“But it’s my Report! Did the crime lab send you?”

“Yeah…we’ll go with that one.”

“Well I would like if you don’t interject in my report.”

“I’ll try my best!” I lied, crossing my fingers behind my back. “Maybe it would be easier if you gave your report to me, just talk to me and I’ll add in what I think.”

“Well…I don’t know.” He scratched his chin, looking at me with a look of question. “If you don’t mind long drawn out stories.”

“Oh I bet I’ll love this one. Even become a crazy fan who dresses up for it’s viewing and everything.” I smirked. He cleared his throat and looked to me, in a very serious way.

“All right. I’ll start over.” He looked at me again taking a slow breath.

“I would like…”

”A fucking neck?”

“If I may.”

“No you may not.”

“But you just said I could!” He whimpered.

“Oh whatever, just go on.” I crossed my arms grinning.

“To take you, “

“Where?”

“On a strange journey.”

“How strange was it? It was so strange that they made a movie out of it, not a book but a movie!” He opened up his book with the wedding pictures in it, as I looked over his shoulder “Three pages to asshole, Two pages to asshole, One page to asshole, Asshole! And a statement to prove it!”

“It seemed a fairly ordinary night, when Brad Majors, and his fiancée’”

“Slut and a statement to prove it!”

“Janet Weiss, two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Denton, that late November evening,”

“It was August.” I corrected him.

“To visit a Dr. Everett Scott,”

“Kiss ass and a statement to prove it.”

“Ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them.” I grinned ready to toss him the really insane questions now. “Is it true you masturbate?”

“It’s true, there were dark storm clouds.”

“Describe your balls.”

”Heavy, black, and pendulous, toward which they were driving.”

“Is it also true that you are constipated?”

“It’s true also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air,”

“Like your fucking neck!”

“But they being normal kids and on a night out, well they weren’t going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening.”

“Hey Chucky, what was it?”

“On a night out.”

“A what?”

“It was a night out. They were going to remember, “

“For how long?”

“For a very long time.” Before he had a chance to bother me with me bothering him I was tossed into the back seat of the car that Brad and Janet where in. Since I don’t like the radio we’ll have them see me for one!



OOO what happens next!! We'll find out! Dun dun duuuun! please reveiw!