Hang On To Me

All previous disclaimers apply.


Chad jerked awake suddenly, his heart pounding and sweat running down his body, making the sheets clinging to him unbearably hot and sticky. He sat up quickly, throwing them off as he set his elbows to his knees and put his head in his hands, trying to rub away the remnants of the nightmare that had held him captive just moments before. He couldn’t quite remember what it was. All he knew was that the sense of loss that had come from it still had his mind gripped in a bit of a panic. He released the breathe he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding on a shaky sigh, trying to stop the trembles from both the cold sweat and the emotions sweeping through him. There was a grief rising in his heart that he couldn’t explain, forcing him to hold back a sob.

“Babe, what’s wrong?”

The sweet, quiet voice calmed him almost instantly, as did the gentle, smooth hands that were set to his shoulders. He breathed in shakily once more and leaned back against the comforting warmth of his lover’s chest, allowing Ryan to wrap his arms around him. Ryan was holding him tight, making him feel steadier as his breathing began to normalize. He held onto Ryan’s arms until he felt calm enough to speak. Ryan seemed to take his physical cue and loosened his grip so that Chad could turn around.

“What was it?” he asked quietly, setting a hand to Chad’s cheek.

“Can’t remember,” Chad answered, rubbing against Ryan’s hand like a kitten, “I think I lost you somehow.”

“How?” Ryan’s voice was gentle, knowing how hard it was for Chad, still, to express things he feared in their relationship. Chad knew that Ryan believed that every dream told a person something, so he complied with what Ryan wanted to hear.

“I don’t know. Just somehow. Maybe you died. Maybe you got sick of me not being ready to come out. All I know is that you were gone.”

“Chad,” Ryan forced him to look up and into his bright blue eyes, “You’re not going to lose me. You know that, don’t you? I’m not going to leave you. I’m fine with waiting for you as long as you need. And look . . . I’m healthy as a horse, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. So, nothing to worry about, right?”

“I guess.”

“No guessing.” Ryan scolded as they laid down again and Chad placed his head on Ryan’s chest, allowing himself to be lulled back into a near sleep by the steady beat of Ryan’s heart.

Chad smiled, “Yeah. Nothing to worry about.”

“Right. So, let’s go back to sleep, okay, Chad? Chad?” Chad was shocked when Ryan’s voice sounded more like Troy’s.

“Chad? Chad? C’mon, Chad, wake up.”

“Hmm? What?” Chad came awake slowly, his thoughts confused and jumbled. Hadn’t he already woken up? He had woken up from a nightmare with Ryan there to warm and comfort him. So why was he so stiff and uncomfortable now? He forced his heavy eyelids up and saw, blearily, Troy leaning over him. He rubbed his eyes, trying to clear them, and looked up at Troy again, fighting to put together what was happening, “Troy? What’s going on?”

“You fell asleep. We let you go for a couple of hours, but Sharpay and her parents want to talk to us now.”

Of course, it had to have been a dream. He had never stayed the night with Ryan. Sure, they had shared a bed more than once, but he had never stayed long enough to fall asleep and wake in the bed with Ryan, nightmare or not. He looked down, hoping that Troy hadn’t seen what he was thinking in his eyes. Troy was amazingly perceptive when it came to things that Chad wanted to hide from him. He always had been. And though Chad had been able to hide his not-relationship with Ryan from him for months, after this afternoon he doubted that there was anyone in the school who didn’t know what Ryan Evans and Chad Danforth were to each other. He stopped stretching as his mind caught. This afternoon . . .

Suddenly it all came back in a rush. He had been sitting eating his lunch when he heard Kelsi’s scream. He had looked up just in time for his heart to stop as Ryan tumbled down the stairs headfirst. He had been out of his chair and running to the bottom of the stairs where Ryan lay, unmoving, on his back before he even thought about it. It had just felt natural to take Ryan’s hand in his and speak to him as they spoke when they were alone in the dark. He hadn’t even thought about the people around them. He had only been able to concentrate on Ryan’s pale face, as Ryan looked at him for only a moment before his eyes closed. Then, no matter how much he pleaded, whispering sweet things he only said when they were alone as he stroked Ryan’s hair, the beautiful blue eyes didn’t open again. As soon as Sharpay got over the shock she had been on Ryan’s other side, holding his hand in her own, reassuring his still form over and over again that an ambulance would be there in a matter of minutes. The expression on her face as she looked at Chad said that she didn’t quite understand what was going on, but as soon as Ryan was taken care of she would be finding out. He had nodded, understanding.

He had wanted to go to the hospital with Ryan, but the paramedics had said that they could only take one other person with them, so of course he was trumped by Sharpay. He had followed quickly with Troy as soon as they had gotten permission from their parents to leave school. He had taken off at a run when he had gotten his pass and had been fighting to get his car door open, unable to get the key in, when Troy had come up behind him and taken his jey ring away. Chad had been ready to punch him before Troy spoke quietly.

“You’re too upset. You’re not going to help anyone by getting in a car accident. I’ll drive.”

The drive had been uncomfortably silent until they were nearly at the hospital. Then, Troy had finally asked, “When?”

Chad had known exactly what he was talking about, “End of the summer.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” The hurt and annoyance in Troy’s voice had made Chad flinch. It was what he wasn’t saying that was important, though. What did you think I would do? We’ve been best friends since before either of us can remember. Do you think it would have changed anything? Do you think so little of me?

Chad didn’t really have an answer for the unspoken questions. How did you tell your best friend, that, yes, you were afraid he would have hated you? How did you tell him what you were feeling when you were teenage guys? The closest you were supposed to get to talking about your feelings was a couple of one word grunts if you were upset and maybe half hugs if you were happy. At least, that’s what societal norms said you were supposed to do. How did you tell your best friend that this new position you were in demanded that you think of societal norms and how to adhere to them all the time? He’d settled on another question, hoping it would make Troy understand.

“What would you have done if it was you?”

They hadn’t spoken again, but as they were walking into the hospital Troy had given his shoulder a squeeze and Chad had known that while they hadn’t settled anything yet, Troy was still going to be there for him, especially right now. Hours later, an endless circle of vending machine snacks, waiting, catnaps, and conversations that had nothing to do with anything, they were finally going to hear something about Ryan. Chad appreciated it when Gabriella took his hand as they walked down the hall. He needed the support. None of the guys would take his hand, for obvious reasons, he wasn’t close enough to Kelsi, and Taylor had just found out that he was in a . . . something . . . with Ryan. They had broken up months before he had even gotten together with Ryan, but, still, he couldn’t expect that she would be comfortable around him for at least a little bit.

They stopped outside a room where Mr. and Mrs. Evans stood. Chad wanted, more than anything, to duck into the room and see Ryan, but he forced himself to stay where he was. Gabriella kept a tight hold on his hand and he had never been more grateful to the sweet girl who had fallen in love with his best friend. He didn’t know her well, but the thought flashed through his mind that he should get to know her better. Troy was in love with her and here she was, being his rock, despite the fact that they had never really been true friends. It was mostly his thing, he knew. He was too wrapped up in his own life. He would change it, he vowed silently, as they waited.

“Hi, kids,” Mr. Evans looked tired and old. His voice was worn and low, but sounded hopeful. He was gripping his wife’s hand much as Chad was gripping Gabi’s, but she was smiling even though she too looked tired and worn. They all said the required hellos.

“It means so much that you’re all here. There’s some good news. Ryan didn’t do too much damage in the fall down the stairs. He broke his wrist and a couple of his ribs and has a minor concussion, but other than that it’s just a general banging up. He’s bruised and sore, but he’s okay. The doctors are still doing some tests to figure out what caused him to fall in the first place. He told them that his chest began to hurt more than he could stand and that he couldn’t breathe, but they still don’t know why. They’re going to keep him for a couple of days until they can find out. So, there’s not much you can all do here. We’re actually going to head home for a few hours, too. If you want, you can all talk to him for a few minutes before you go. I know it will mean a lot to him to know you were here.”

Chad stood awkwardly in the back of the group as they all entered the room. One by one they told him that they hoped he would feel better soon and that they would see him the next day. The girls all kissed his cheek, while the guys patted his shoulder a little uncomfortably. Finally, they had all left the room and he was alone with Ryan and Sharpay.

“Shar,” Ryan turned to his sister, “Can we have a minute?”

“Ryan . . .” her voice had a warning to it.

“Shar,” His voice was strong. Something seemed to pass between the twins without words, an unspoken battle. Chad gathered that Ryan had won when Sharpay got up with a sigh and left the room, not forgetting to glare at him as she passed. For a moment all Chad could do was stare. Ryan seemed so small and pale in the hospital bed. The I.V. in his arm made Chad shudder a little, and the oxygen tubes in his nose made Chad want to take him in his arms and never let him go. He didn’t quite know what to say as he stood, hands shoved in his pockets, looking at Ryan without even meeting his eyes.

“Chad?” Ryan’s voice brought him out of his uncertainty. He went to Ryan’s bed, leaned over, trapping Ryan against his pillows between his arms. He didn’t even think about it as he pressed his lips to Ryan’s harshly. He poured all of the panic he had felt at seeing Ryan fall and all the worry of the past hours into the kiss, moving one hand behind Ryan’s head so that he had a little more control as he begged Ryan for entrance with his tongue. Ryan opened to his automatically and brought his arms up around Chad to hold tight as they battled with their mouths, telling each other things silently that they didn’t yet feel comfortable saying out loud. They were both panting by the time Chad pulled apart. Chad set his forehead to Ryan’s and they sat like that for a few moments, allowing their breathing to normalize.

“You scared the hell out of me,” Chad whispered when he finally thought he could speak again. He was a little embarrassed when his voice broke.

“Scared the hell out of myself,” Ryan whispered back.

“How are you now? Are you . . .”

“I’m a little doped up,” Ryan grinned, “So, in general, pretty good, though my chest still feels a little tight.”

“Your parents said they’re going to do some more tests tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Chad didn’t even think about the fact that he had slipped into the bed with Ryan and was now allowing the smaller boy’s head to rest on his chest as he stroked his hair and Ryan wrapped his arms around his waist. He allowed Ryan to settle himself comfortably, knowing Ryan would know better than anyone what hurt him or not, “How are you?”

“Me?” Chad asked quietly, “Why?”

“Maybe it’s just the drugs, but I’m pretty sure that you outed yourself this afternoon, Chad.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Chad placed a kiss to Ryan’s head, “Didn’t seem important when you were unconscious on the floor. I’m fine. Troy’s a little weirded out, but I think he’s going to be okay with it. If he is the rest of the team will follow and if the team’s okay . . .”

“The rest of the school will pretend at least,” Ryan completed, a little laugh turning into a little bit of a wheeze. Chad tightened his hold just a little. He could hear the exhaustion in Ryan’s voice.

“Go to sleep, baby,” he whispered, putting a finger under Ryan’s chin to turn the pale face up to his so that he could place a gentle kiss to the sweet lips, “I’ll be here when you wake up, I promise.”

“Hmm . . .” Ryan murmured, already half asleep. Chad felt the exact moment Ryan slipped into his dreams and allowed his own body to relax. He figured Sharpay would wake him when she came back, but for now the only thing he wanted was to sleep knowing that he held Ryan, his Ryan, safe in his arms. Dropping one final kiss to the blonde hair, he closed his eyes and fell into a dreamless sleep.