Insecurities

Title: Insecurities
Pairing: McCoy/Chekov
Warnings: M/M, Angst, Minor (17)
Word Count: 1,725
Beta: Needed

~~~

Twenty-four hours ago Dr. McCoy was no where near as drunk as he was now. Twenty-four hours ago Dr. McCoy wasn’t alone. Twenty-four hours ago Dr. McCoy was annoyed, but at least he wasn’t miserable.

He had spent the previous night getting very little sleep and thinking about Pavel Chekov. He counted the mistakes that he made, starting with getting drunk and letting the ensign into his quarters, and then wondered what he was going to do. By the time that his alarm went off he had decided on doing nothing, because what happened was nothing. He had taken Chekov’s virginity like the teen had wanted at there whatever relationship they had ended. The Russian had come, got what he wanted, and left; he was completely innocent of what damage he had done to the ship’s chief medical officer.

The shower didn’t help McCoy at all. He didn’t feel any cleaner, his sense of personal disgust didn’t go away. The new clothes that he put on felt like the ones he had taken off and the constant stare of his friend in the bottle on the table made him feel even worse.

When he arrived at Sickbay he knew his colleges were staring at him. They watched him go through his routines without his usual spark. Whenever he got a call from the bridge he sent up a nurse rather than go himself like and he spent what time he could in his office rather than speaking with the people outside.

It was a relief when he got back to his quarters. He repeated his previous routine and sat down for a drink, and like last time he didn’t stop after one, but unlike before he kept drinking until he didn’t have control of himself. This time he knew he wouldn’t be able to get out of his chair, so he just sat there and aloud himself to fall into sleep.

Suddenly he was awake, something loud and persistent was forcing his brain to operate.

“Damn door,” he murmured, “It’s open!”

He watched in amazement as Pavel Chekov came through the open door of his quarters. The smiling ensign walked up to where he was in his chair and kneeled down in front of him.

“How are you feeling?” The way that he asked made the doctor feel like a sick member of the teens family and that Pavel was checking up on him. McCoy stared at him in confusion.

Not waiting for a response the ensign continued, “Are you alright?”

The doctor responded with a slow nod. He opened his mouth to give a reply but Chekov cut him off.

“Listen, I need to tell you something.” Hearing those words the doctor’s stomach did a flip flop. “I have come to a conclusion, I do really like you.”

There was a pause.

“But he could never be with you.”

McCoy turned to see a third person in his room. ‘Jim? What the Hell is he doing here? When did he get in?’

“You’re to old Bones.”

The said man’s eyes opened wide. “What are you saying? What are you talking about? Where the Hell did-”

“Don’t you get it?” the captain interrupted him, “How could Pavel, or anyone on this ship for that matter, want to have a relationship with you?” The man who Leonard called his friend smiled, “There’s no hope for a dried up piece like you.

The words cut through the wounds that McCoy had already opened for himself. But nothing hurt like the sight of the smiling Chekov nodding in agreement.

“It’s true. We had fun, but I could never be with a person like you.”

Jim moved over to the ensign, “Look at yourself Bones, you’re a washed up drunk. I don’t know why I even keep you on this ship.” He moved his arms around Chekov and kissed him.

McCoy was trapped in his seat. He was forced to watch as a now naked Jim and Pavel kissed in front of him. The ensign’s arms wrapped around the captain’s neck as his hands cupped the younger man’s bottom. As the sight continued his vision swirled, he was falling asleep again. He continued to watch the scene before him as it unfurled.

“He’ll never love you.”

He woke up. There was a cold sweat covering him and his body ached from falling asleep in a chair. His breathes came out in heavy sounds and his vision was still blurry. “It was a dream.” He whispered, “Only a dream. There was nothing real about it.” He brushed his fingers against his cheeks, “Am I crying? Why am I crying, it’s not like-“

‘He’ll never love you.’

“This is ridiculous,’ He thought, ‘I’m not in love with him, so why would this bother me.’ But even as the thought came to mind he knew he was lying to himself. ‘Ah Jesus, I’m not love with someone I just hooked up with.’

Bones slowly pushed himself up from the chair and dragged himself over to his bed. Not even bothering with the covers, McCoy fell back into a dead sleep.

---

The next morning Dr. McCoy felt surprisingly better. He stood up and stretched, causing his bones to pop. He undressed and took a quick shower before putting on a clean uniform and going to his shift.

He felt normal; there was no grogginess, no hang over, no feeling of depression. He didn’t feel happy or chipper, but that rarely happened.

When he entered sickbay he greeted nurse Chapel and looked around to see that they had no patients. The doctor decided that he would catch up on the paperwork that – being chief medical officer – he always had.

As she turned to his office nurse Chapel’s voice stopped him, “Oh, doctor there’s someone waiting in your office for you.”

“Really, who?”

“The ensign with the heavy accent, Chekov.”

McCoy turned around, “What?”

The nurse continued with her duties, “He said there’s something he needed to talk to you about. Oh and Mr. Spock is supposed to come down for a physical today.”

As she turned to him the doctor slipped back into his normal self, “He’s the only one today.”

“Alright, get me when he comes in.”

When he turned his back to the nurse McCoy’s expression turned to annoyance, ‘What the hell is he doing here?’

He entered his office and Pavel was on top of him. Any thoughts or questions the doctor has were gone as the Russian’s hot mouth devoured his own. The ensign’s hands grasped his neck, as if desperate to hold onto him.

And the doctor just let it happen.

Chekov’s mouth moved down to his neck, and before the doctor could to register it he was on his knees, pulling at his pants.

“S-Stop.” He whispered.

The pulling ceased and he looked down. There was Chekov n his knees, hands on the doctor’s pants, breathing heavy, mouth slightly open, cheeks flushed, and giving him the look of a confused puppy, “Did I do something wrong?”

A sense of relief and control washed over McCoy, “No-yes-no, I just-no we can’t.”

“Why?”

McCoy pulled the teen off of his knees. He grasped the ensign’s elbow and brought him over to his desk, his irritation rising, “Look kid I don’t know what game you’re playing but I’m not amused.”

Pavel’s confused face didn’t change, “Game, what game? I do-”

“Save it Chekov, I might be lonely but I’m not an idiot.” When he didn’t get a response he continued, “Look seducing me must have been fun and all, but you don’t keep coming around and messing with me.”

Hearing this Chekov’s face changed to when he was trying to figure, his eyes were unfocused and he tilted his head. The silence only angered McCoy more. He wanted the kid out of his office and out of his life. He wanted to just see the Russian wiz-kid on the bridge and not in his bedroom or office.

“Ah, I get it, you misunderstand,” Ensign Chekov changed to his usual smile, “you must allow me to explain.”

The doctor raised his eyebrows, “And what possible explanation could you have?”

“I love you.”

McCoy’s mouth literally dropped. ‘Did he just-he didn’t-no he did!’ He stared at the smiling Pavel in complete confusion, “You what?”

“I love you.” He repeated simply. He moved over to the doctor and placed a kiss on his cheek, “I will see you after your shift was done,” and walked passed him out into sick bay.

For a few seconds Leonard McCoy stood in place and stared at where Chekov had been. Slowly he turned his head, and then moved his body to his chair. He sat down and continued to stare into the empty space in above his desk.

“Love. Do I even know what that is anymore?”

---

Outside, in Sickbay the still smiling Pavel Chekov walked over to Nurse Chapel, who was by herself reading a report.

She looked up and smiled, “Ensign Chekov, I hope your talk with the doctor went well?”

“Yes it did.” He stopped and placed his hands behind his back, “What are you reading?”

“Oh, just a medical report.” She placed it down.

Chekov watched her. “You are engaged?” He asked her seeing her ring.

She grabbed her hand and met his eyes, “You could say that.” The ensign’s curious gaze forced her to continue, “My fiancé has gone missing. I left my job in bio-research and joined the enterprise to find him.”

“Really?” Chekov’s gaze turned starry, as if he had just heard the most romantic thing in his life, “You dropped your whole life to find him.”

Christine smiled, “Yes, but now I don’t even know what I would do if he was found, it’s been a long time.” She grabbed her report again and began reading it so she wouldn’t have to meet the ensign’s eyes..

“That makes it sound like you’ve found someone else.” Chekov grinned, “Is there?”

The door opening indicated the entrance of Mr. Spock into the Sickbay and interrupted the conversation. Nurse Chapel turned to the first officer, “Mr. Spock, I’ll tell the doctor that you’re here. She placed her report back on the table and headed towards McCoy’s office.

“If you’ll excuse me commander.” Chekov said and took his leave, still smiling.

~~~

AN: I need to point out (for those of you who don’t know) that when you stop getting hangovers, you’ve become an alcoholic and you should change your drinking habits. Also Nurse Chapel is my favorite character from the original series, so I had to put her in (I hope people got the references). Finally I have edited the first chapter (again, I still need a beta), so if you feel like rereading it, please do so.