Strength of the Mind

When McCoy said something he was only half aware of it, not even really wanting to pay attention anymore.



"We get it, alright?" he said, his voice still angry but now somewhat dull with resignation, as Chapel sat close to him in silence and with a distant, dead look in her eyes.



"I'm sure you do, Doctor," said Parmen. "I'm sure all of you think you understand...But what about your first officer?"



For the first time in what felt like hours, Jim allowed himself to look over at Spock. He was sitting incredibly still, looking almost as if he could be in meditation except that there was something hardened and unsettling in his face; not exactly expressive, not telling Jim anything he needed to but didn't really want to know, but easily showing him as far from relaxed.



"I don't believe I can be certain yet that we have managed to...What was it you said, Kirk? Break him? After all, he will not last long here with any illusions of being less vulnerable than any of you."



Spock's head rose a little, though he did not look at Parmen as he responded, quiet but clear. "I am less vulnerable than them," he said. "So do what you like."



At this, Jim had to look right at his face, and for a brief moment he met eyes with him sadly, because he knew what he was trying to do. He also knew the words were bullshit, whether Spock believed them or not.



"Hm. You want to protect your friends," Philana said to him curiously. "What incredible nobility you must be capable of as a man of such perfect rationality. You don't have a shred of instinct for self-preservation because in the grand scheme of things you know you do not matter any more than another. Is that it?"



With a light wave of her hand, he was forced up onto his feet and sloppily dragged across the room to where Jim sat. She let go of him so abruptly that he ungracefully dropped down to the floor, barely bracing his fall with his hands.



"Or do you, in fact, feel things for them that compromise your very nature?" Philana said.



He and Spock looked at each other, and right away Jim felt something in him soften unbearably. He was suddenly overcome with the daunting realization of how badly he wished he did not have to be here, that he would do anything for him to be saved from this, at the same time that he selfishly couldn't imagine having to go through this and attempt to get out of it without him. He understood exactly what Spock was trying to do by turning their attention onto him as much as possible, challenging them, and he understood the way he had always been self-sacrificing like that. Others perhaps didn't see it. He knew that sometimes, all that stoic fearlessness he showed in the face of a terrifying threat was not so much an effortless reflection of his true internal feelings. Sometimes it was simply him knowing what the people he cared about needed to see, being brave for everyone else.



Jim knew he probably had no idea how much he often needed that in order to be strong himself. He depended on him to be the one who always held himself completely together in situations that made others struggle with their anxiety and fear. And if these people managed to take him apart enough to damage that controlled part of him, that firm inner threshold that had taken a lifetime of disciplined training to build up, he knew that he wouldn't stand a chance anymore.



As Philana's words continued, filled with twisted enjoyment, he and Spock found themselves slowly getting closer, drawn together until they were both touching each other's shoulders and their faces were just inches apart. They were looking so deeply into each other's eyes that it was impossible not to be affected by the intense reactions and emotions held there in their faces, however restrained and subtly expressed they were.



"Would you rather suffer than watch them suffer?" she said. "Would you rather die than hurt them?...I dare think that because of some of them you are especially vulnerable. You feel things that you can't feel. You love too much..."



Now their hands were raising to each other's faces as they leaned in closer to each other, and then Jim's heart started hammering in his chest when he knew. Something in him immediately said Oh please, not you, but it was just a weak and defeated plea with no hope behind it. They understood now. It was Uhura's turn to get to see something.



Their mouths came close, much too close, both of them now with their lips parted and breathing into each other. There was a moment of hesitation once their mouths just barely met, as if this were happening naturally and they were merging tentatively and uncertainly like two people might do the first time. Then they both closed their eyes as their tongues met and filled the empty space with warmth, first just smoothing together and tasting gently before their mouths then collided completely together and opened to each other more, their breathing getting fast.



As their mouths moved together with the impeccable feigned feeling of eagerness and passionate hunger, Jim could already feel his cock throbbing and pressing against his pants. When Spock broke away from kissing him for a moment and his forehead was just leaning in against his, Jim was shocked by the nakedly emotional expression in his eyes, ardent and needy and pained-looking, as if it was undoing every defense in him the more he touched him and yet still didn't feel like enough. He didn't want to think about how much of that he was seeing was just them fucking with his feelings again and how much of that sadness in his eyes was genuine. Wherever it was coming from, he was pretty damn sure he couldn't imagine that Spock usually ever looked at anyone quite like this, and it was the completely open warmth and desire with which Spock appeared to be acting more than anything that made Jim horribly aware of who was having to witness this.



As Spock's hands wandered under his shirt and then Jim felt his incredibly hot mouth tasting his neck, all he could think about was earlier when Spock was gripping his shoulder possibly too tightly and for possibly too long, and just two words Philana had said kept echoing in his mind: too much. He wondered if all the time their interaction was being watched they were giving them weapons to use without even knowing it, or if it was nothing they had done or revealed to them and they were simply making him insane.



Soon Spock was unzipping his pants and pulling them down a little. The cool feeling of the air on his exposed skin was quickly replaced with the distracting heat of Spock's hand, relieving the throbbing as he started slowly stroking him and making him go crazy. His hand was at Spock's chest against his will, but in his own not prompted though unconscious reaction he started grabbing hold of his shirt there tightly, wanting this to stop, but part of him not wanting him to stop, Jesus Christ, and meanwhile his head was buried into Spock's neck and kissing him there and he was glad for every second he wasn't being forced to look right at his face.



As they started undressing each other, after a while Jim just blacked out a little and let his head go numb. Before long all he knew and saw anymore was the thin and pale, strange and very unfamiliar thing that was Spock's body as he was kissing him everywhere and being kissed everywhere, shoulder and collar bone and chest, both of them now completely naked. For Jim the only thing that kept registering was how alarmingly warm Spock was, so strange to get used to. Of course he would feel warmer, he knew—desert dweller and everything—but he had just never really thought about it before.



Spock had started stroking him faster and he was now smoothing his fingers up and down and slicking his cock with his precome. Kissing him hard and deeply, Jim pushed him back onto the floor, instantly feeling his heart catch with dread as he knew what was coming. His head was brought down to kiss him by his hip as he adjusted Spock's legs around him, settling down between them, and then too fast not too fast—



He pushed into him quickly but not very deep yet, stopping after just that much made Spock throw his head back and gasp softly. For a moment that Jim was kept still, Spock just lay back with his stomach rising and falling with quick breaths and his eyes focused on the ceiling. Then when Jim eased in deeply, Spock grabbed hold of his back and he closed his eyes tightly shut while a sharp moan was ripped out of him, a loud but contained noise made only in his throat as he kept his mouth closed so that it sounded more like a forceful hum.



Just with the first thrust, Jim himself started coming undone, lowering his head into him for a second afterwards with an agonized moan like he could almost collapse. They made him start out slow, sometimes giving just shallow teasing thrusts and sometimes going all the way in and making Spock's hands grip him tightly in response where they were touching his back. Though he and Uhura had tried to give each other some comfort by talking through it, they said absolutely nothing to each other. He did not even dare say Spock's name for fear of ruining the way it sounded to him forever.



If they were somehow keeping this from hurting him now, Jim knew there was no way it wouldn't hurt later. But right now Spock was just opening up more and more, making it more and more clear that all his emotional barriers had been relaxed and forced down as his mouth let out disarmed gasps and his face was twisted in a desperate, pleading expression that was practically human, yet in some way Jim couldn't explain seemed to still be showing some real part of him.



It seemed that when it came to Spock, there were a lot of things he had never really thought about before. But this was a lot different from hearing him laugh or cry. The kind of sounds he was making in response to Jim's movements in him made something inside of him ache, touching something deeply hidden and very sensitive to the light that was unbearable to acknowledge.



It was something he had perhaps felt before though been mostly unaware of, a longing that seemed to make no sense because it was for something already manifest, a bond between them that had already become so strong in the couple years they'd known each other. But it was never meant to be seen and brought out in this way. Just as he valued the Enterprise not for her physical parts, not as an object that he wanted always in his possession alone, but for what she gave and the way she was there for him, this thing was never supposed to be attainable. Just there, strung between them unbreakably, always reliable. It somehow felt like this was the desecration of something sacred, an interference with something destined but delicate, wrong in a completely other way than him and Uhura being forced on each other had been wrong. He thought back to things that Spock's future counterpart had told him, and as little sense as it really made he kept thinking miserably, You were supposed to always be mine, in that way, not just this once and like this.



After a while Spock slid his left hand away from Jim's back, tiredly lowering it back to the floor where it rested, palm upward, near his head. Jim found that he also had control of his own arms right now. He suddenly felt the need to try to reach out to him in some small way, even if neither of them would speak. So with the minimal control he had over his movement he adjusted his position slightly, shifting his balance as he moved his arm up so that his hand could reach his.



But as soon as he touched him there, just lightly spreading Spock's hand open and then smoothing his fingers down his knuckles as he tried to close them together, he felt Spock's whole body tighten a little under him as he let out a helpless wince. Jim's hand immediately froze as he saw his reaction, and then some past recollection flew quickly through his mind: something he'd heard before about how holding hands has an extremely intimate meaning for Vulcans. Now he understood exactly why.



With the realization, Jim immediately started pulling his hand back away, but before he could Spock's hand closed around his, not letting go. They met gazes as their fingers interlaced together securely, their eyes full of a warm intensity and understanding. It was a small rebellion, the only kind of encouragement they could give each other now, something they did on their own. Something that the people doing this to them could not ruin or even understand the magnitude of. As Jim started thrusting into him faster, getting close to the end, he lowered his head into Spock's shoulder and tried to focus on the feeling of their hands resting still together rather than the other place where they were joined.



Meanwhile, as Parmen and Philana were watching them in silence with small and eerie smiles, and Chapel and McCoy were both turned away and not watching, Uhura sat without any choice but to watch, barely ever even getting a chance to blink. What had only been happening for minutes seemed to be stretching on forever, going on so so slowly, and it was like being helplessly immobilized but not unconscious and aware of every feeling as a surgeon cut into her. And as her eyes were locked so closely on Spock and Kirk that she could miss nothing, and for a moment she thought she could see something passing between them that couldn't be forced, even if it was somewhat uncontrollable in its own way, it was like watching her heart slowly getting pulled apart piece by piece in someone else's hands.









When they were finally all taken back to the chamber where Jim, Spock, and McCoy had actually been shown to as guests earlier in the day, everyone rested somewhere slightly apart from all the others, nobody quite meeting each other's eyes for a while. Jim felt so extremely exerted that there was a powerful temptation to just wish he could drop dead rather than have to move ever again; the soreness in his muscles that he felt after being tortured seemed to have returned now that there was no longer any external force using them. Everywhere he looked the colors of things looked strange, too harsh and afflicting, and almost as soon as they were left alone in the room he rushed over to an isolated corner and threw up.



Then, after he had been lying back on the floor for a long time while everyone seemed afraid to make a sound, he forced himself to focus and started thinking. He thought harder than he'd ever thought before, digging forcefully through everything they had seen today, until something submerged that seemed relevant.



"That servant," he said quietly, his voice sounding very strange as it finally broke the silence. "Alexander. He's different from the others. His size has to have something to do with it. What's he missing that gives all the Platonians this power?"



Everyone finally seemed to pull themselves back into awareness, thinking about his words and looking at each other but not responding right away. After a long moment of continued silence, Jim sat up and looked over at McCoy.



"Bones," he said, now talking a little harshly and impatiently. "What do you think?"



McCoy crossed his arms, taking a deep breath as he composed himself enough to start acting professional again. "I think we better start asking him some damn questions the next time he comes around."



Sure enough, they figured it out, determining what element in the native foods that Alexander processed differently was the source of the power, and then they gave it to themselves. For a temporary time Jim had all the same abilities they did, and he knew many would tell him that it made him better than the Platonians that he didn't just kill them for the things they'd done. But during all of it, he only felt completely powerless and weak.



Sometimes, even when you win, you can walk away with a lot less than what you had before.