Shouldn't

I wasn't sure what changed, when we got back into the city. Perhaps it was the appearance of Rachel. Perhaps my display of concern for her had been too great, awakened his competitiveness, his jealousy. I knew Nelson, I should have been more cautious.

Whatever it was, he was angry when he got out of the car, bandage still pressed to his head although the wound had mostly clotted. Throwing harsh words and sarcasm at all of us, even me, though mainly at Rachel. I pushed between them as he got in her face, caught him in my arms, forced them apart. Tried to reassure him with my touch when I couldn't with my words, that I recognized his pain. But then Rachel ran off, and none of the others seemed to care, so I left him in their care and went after her.

I shouldn't have left him. I should have learned my lesson from that afternoon. But I'd been so sure that Joe and Steckle could keep him out of harms way. And Rachel was... a mess. I tried to explain to her, about redemption, about how to fix her problem, but she seemed more interested in hanging on to me and sobbing. In the end I comforted her the best I could, put her to bed and let her curl up to me until she finally fell asleep.

I dozed, restless, worried about Nelson. Remembering my promise to stay with him and hating myself that I'd left. Hoping that, somehow, he'd find the restitution he needed to stop the visions born of guilt that were making him hurt himself.

When the phone rang, I was up in an instant, pulling on clothes. Rachel was in the bathroom or something, and I told her where I was going, pressing a quick kiss to her lips in some ill thought out attempt to keep her from the hysteria I could see behind her eyes. Then I left, not caring about what she did any more - I'd done the best I could, and Nelson needed me.

If I'd thought ahead enough, known enough, I would have left Joe and Steckle stranded and gone to the church myself, stopped him before he even went under, or at least started working on him right away. But I didn't know, then, that Billy Mahoney was dead. That he'd recklessly try and go under without us, something that might as well have been suicide. Perhaps it was, but I didn't want to think about it. I had to bring him back, had to keep my promise no matter what.

I started working frantically, taking all the steps, begging him with every inch of myself to come back to me. Rachel ran in, saying he'd called, saying it had been nine minutes... he'd called my apartment, I realized with a sudden rush of nausea. He'd called me... and Rachel had answered.

The others gave up, after twelve minutes. Pushed me away. I couldn't take it, couldn't take the thought of losing him when I'd just found him. I screamed at them, at the paintings, at fucking god himself, hardly even listening to what I was saying. Just feeling agony at the looming certainty - Nelson was gone.

No. No, Nelson was not gone. I'd work him until he woke up or until they dragged me away screaming and bloody. I'd promised I'd stay with him. I couldn't give up on him.

Then somehow, through some miracle... he came back. Pale and exhausted but alive, blue eyes watching us with tired wonder. Then his gaze caught mine, trying to speak, and I leaned close, letting his breath tease my ear as he spoke. "Thank you... for coming back for me," he whispered, and I felt a surge of relief course through me, straightening, smiling.

"He said... it wasn't such a good day to die," I found myself telling them, unwilling to cheapen the moment by sharing it, and he gave me a soft smile.

We cleaned up quickly, putting things back in their hiding places, knowing that everything would be taken back tomorrow. This would be the last of it. I sat Nelson down quietly while we did so, wrapping him in one of the thick wool blankets from my truck, rushing through the tear down to get back to him.

"Someone should stay with him," Steckle was saying when I came back. "Make sure he's okay."

"I will," I replied without hesitation. I didn't want anything more than to be alone with him, to be able to say everything I needed to. To apologize.

"I'm fine," Nelson replied flatly, and Steckle looked at him like he'd grown a second head when he continued. "No one stays with me. I need time alone."

"You are most definitely not fine, Nelson," Steckle shot back, looking at me like I could talk some sense into him.

I tried, though I suspected the real reason he was refusing help was to avoid me. "Nelson, please...."

"We should really take him to the hospital," Rachel said softly, worriedly, watching him, and I wondered with a sudden surge of jealousy if she'd finally deemed him worthy of her care.

"Fuck hospitals, I'm fine," Nelson said again with a low growl.

"I don't think you're in much of a position to argue," Steckle replied with a frown. "Now, either agree to let Dave stay and look after you, or we're dragging you to the ER whether you like it or not."

He still refused to look at me, so I crouched down to look up at him, curling my fingers gently around his shoulders. He shuddered under them, but didn't break away, and I searched his eyes, begging him to understand, to give me one more chance. "Come on, Nelson. Please."

He sighed, looking away, defeated. "Fine." But he was silent as I bundled him into my truck, as I bid goodbye to the others. Silent until we were almost at his place.

"Why are you doing this, Dave?"

I glanced over to find him watching me, his blue eyes sorrowful. "I promised I'd stay with you tonight, remember?"

A soft, bitter laugh, and he turned away. "Then I release you from your promise."

"Nelson, I want to stay with you." I pulled into his parking stall and turned to face him. "I don't want to lose you."

He glanced at me scathingly, but I could see the hurt hiding underneath. "Maybe you should have thought about that before you hooked up with Rachel."

"I didn't hook up with Rachel."

"Bullshit, Dave."

"Nelson - "

More anger, voice thick with emotion. "Bullshit. You made love to me and then you left me to fuck her."

"I didn't fuck her," I gasped quickly, agony tearing through me at his words. "I swear it, Nelson."

"Then why the fuck was she in your apartment when I called? Don't fucking lie to me, David!"

"I'm not lying to you. There's nothing between Rachel and I. Please believe me." I drew a shuddering breath as he watched me silently, knowing I'd fucked up, not knowing how to fix it. "I went after her because no one else would. Because I felt responsible for what happened to her. I let her stay in my apartment because she didn't want to be alone."

"How convenient for her," he said softly, bitterly.

"Nelson, I didn't sleep with her. I swear it." I leaned forward, reaching out tentatively to touch his shoulder, but he jerked away.

"Don't touch me."

"Nelson please - "

"Don't fucking touch me!"

"Then just look at me! Please...."

He gave a soft, helpless laugh, a little shake of the head before finally turning back to me. "What do you want, David?"

I swallowed, and somehow the words that I had meant to say turned into something else, into helpless emotion, all spilling out at once. "I'm in love with you. God Nelson, I love you, and you scared the hell out of me. I don't want to loose you. I fucked up, I shouldn't have left you. I'm so sorry."

His expression had gone from anger to some kind of helpless sorrow, and he turned away, letting his head fall back against the back of the seat with a soft thud. "I don't know what to think about anything anymore."

I gave a soft sigh, turning away as well, running my hands over my face in weariness, not knowing what else to say, what else to do to convince him. "Just... just get some rest. Let me come up and check your vitals again and keep an eye on you. We don't have to sort this out now."

He hesitated, then nodded slowly, and I locked up the truck - not that it mattered with the window still broken, but I doubted anyone would go through the trouble of running off with it - helping him out and up to the house. We moved without speaking, going inside, and I sat him down on his bed, checked his blood pressure and temperature, listened carefully to his heart for any sign of weakness after being stopped for so long, but it beat strong and true. "Get some rest," I said, softly, tucking the tools away.

"Where are you sleeping?" His voice was soft, unsure, and I sighed. Truthfully, I wasn't planning on sleeping at all, just helping myself to a large pot of his coffee and staying up, keeping watch over him. "I'll pull in the mattress from your futon in a bit, camp out on the floor here. Just get some sleep, okay?"

He sighed, and gave a little nod. I left the door cracked open, going back down to the truck and bringing up one of my blankets and a textbook, preparing for a long night of staying awake. When I re-entered his apartment, I heard his voice call my name, soft and small. I left my coat with my things in the front room and went back into his room to find him curled up on his side in bed, almost fetal, watching me with that lost, haunted look in his eyes that I'd seen earlier.

I crouched down beside the bed to look at him. "You okay?"

He was silent for a long moment, just searching my face. "...Dave?"

"Yeah? I'm here."

He was silent for a moment, looking more nervous. "Did you... did you mean what you said in the truck?"

I glanced away. "I meant all of it. Didn't mean to blab out that bit about being in love with you, but... it's still true." I heard him draw a shivering breath and looked back to him. "Nelson?"

His bottom lip trembled a little. "You don't love Rachel?"

"I don't even know if I particularly like Rachel," I found myself admitting. "She's kind of a bitch."

He gave a soft, small smile at that, and one pale hand emerged from under the blankets to cover mine where it sat on the bed. "Dave... I'm sorry. I - I didn't mean to be..."

I enclosed his hand in both of mine and gave it a little squeeze. "Shh...."

"It just... hurt," he whispered, looking away at the admission. "It really fucking hurt when you left me."

"I know," I whispered, closing my eyes for a moment. "God Nelson, I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do to make it up to you, anything at all...."

"Don't leave again," he whispered, hand tightening around mine, and the look in his eyes made my heart ache. "Please, David...."

I released his hand, shifting to kneel on the bed, to lean over him, cupping his face gently with one hand and watching his eyelids flutter at the contact. "I promise," I said softly, not resisting in the least as he reached up to tangle a hand in my hair, drawing my mouth to his for a yearning, trembling kiss. I wouldn't, couldn't bear to leave him again, not after almost losing him tonight. "God, Nelson...."

I hadn't imagined that what I'd felt for him in the truck had been a one time thing, but I hadn't expected it to be quite so strong, so desperate and uncontrollable a second time. Now I found that it was worse, and I was faintly trembling as I pulled back the blankets to press closer to him, claiming his mouth again with a soft groan, sucking at those beautiful lips. Tasting the coffee and cigarettes and -Nelson- as my tongue swiped over his lips, pressed deeper, laving against his.

"So afraid I'd lost you," I whispered against his lips, breath hitching, and he pressed closer to me, fingers tangling in the back of my sweater, pulling me closer, answering me with wordless, heated kisses. I let my hands rove, stroking over the thin cotton t-shirt he'd gone to bed in, over his boxer clad hips, trying to reassure myself, calm myself with his warmth and his presence and the knowledge that he was still with me, still alive. But somehow it only made me need him more, need more of him, and I stripped off his t-shirt to kiss his chest hungrily, closing my eyes and losing myself in the scent and taste of his skin, in the little helpless whimpers he made when I kissed and licked at one nipple, teasing the tiny nub of flesh with my lips and teeth.

"Dave - " He squirmed against me, yanking impatiently at my sweater until I moved to let him pull it off me, pressing me onto my back on the bed, his mouth on my neck, on my chest, kissing and sucking and nipping at my skin, the little teasing licks of pain only making me harder. I arched up against him as his fingers started to yank impatiently at my belt, feeling almost painfully aroused, as he yanked my pants and boxers down, fingers firm and warm around my aching cock, my heart pounding hard in my chest....

Oh shit.

"Nelson - " I tried to squirm away, tried to pull my enough of my wits about me to listen to common sense. "We can't do this - your heart - "

Strong arms wrapped around my waist, holding me to him, looking up at me with a soft chuckle. "Dave, I'm fine."

"You were dead for over twelve minutes." I tried to pull back, but found that having my jeans down around my knees didn't make things much easier. "I don't want to fucking kill you."

He smiled and released his hold on me, but found one of my hands with his own as he shifted back up to kiss me, placing my palm over his heart. "You won't. It was broken earlier, but it's fine now."

I closed my eyes for a moment against the rush of unexpected sentimentality, feeling the faint thud of his pulse under my palm. "I don't want to hurt you..."

"Take my vitals again, then," he murmured, leaning in to brush his lips against mine, warm and yearning, smiling against my mouth. "When you're convinced that I'm not going to keel over mid-coitus, you can help me with some... physical therapy. Right, Doctor?"

I laughed softly, more than happy to play along if it kept him smiling at me like that, sweet and cheeky and beautiful. "Okay. Stretch out on the bed for me." I got out of bed and went for my bag, deciding it was easier to step out of my jeans and boxers than to put them back on. When I turned back toward him, I found him leaning back on his elbows on the bed, his eyes moving slowly down my body, raw need and desire clear in his expression.

The tip of his tongue darting out to wet his lips, and he drew a soft breath, then spoke, voice low and husky. "Please hurry."

I moved to perch beside him, tucking the thermometer under his tongue and putting on my stethoscope, trying very hard not to think about being naked, about him being mostly naked, stretched out and waiting for me, his erection straining at the front of his boxers. I warmed the end of he scope against my own chest for a moment before pressing it to his, immediately reassured by the pulse of his heart. His heartbeat was strong and even, though understandably a little fast, and didn't show any signs of irregularity or weakness. But still....

The thermometer beeped, and I paid it enough attention to note his temperature healthy before tossing it back in the bag. I was still more worried about the ability of a greatly abused heart handling the strain of intercourse. Placing the scope back to his chest, I tugged his boxers down enough to free his cock from their confines.

He drew a soft hiss as my fingers curled around his erection, arching up into my hand. "Dave... don't think that's how... you take blood pressure."

"Shhh," I said sharply, beginning to stroke him slowly, trying not to smile. "I need to listen."

Nelson bit his lip against a whimper, and I continued to tease him, turning the scope to the bell side to try to filter out the high pitched sounds of his gasps. God, it was intoxicating, to have him under me, arching, faintly writhing as I continued to pleasure him, his heartbeat strong and fast in my ears. It was hard to pay attention to what I was supposed to be doing, and I lost it all together when he moaned, shuddering and helpless, as if he couldn't keep it back any longer. "David...!"

"Okay, you'll live." I took the scope from my ears and shoved it back into the bag, yanking his shorts down more so he could kick them off. Then I found a small bottle of lubricant pressed into my free hand, Nelson's voice a breathless groan.

"You know what's next... doctor."

I glanced back to meet his smirk with one of my own, loving the barely constrained need in his eyes, then slipped down to place a warm kiss to the base of his erection, kissing and sucking my way up the underside, teasing the frenulum at the base of his head with my tongue. I could hear his hands fist in the sheets as he cried out, hips bucking up a little, shuddering. "God, David, don't tease me...."

I wondered if he'd noticed that he only called me David when he was feeling particularly intense. I loved it now, and urged his thighs up and apart, slipped a well lubed finger back to press carefully into him, taking his head in my mouth as I pressed it deeper, loving how eager he was for it, pressing back against the invasion, whimpering.

"God, more!" I did as he asked, moving a little faster, patience wearing thin as much as I'd wanted to take my time. It was hard to stick to my resolve with his fingers clenched tight in my hair, his voice pleading, begging for me, breathless and gasping, his body jerking and shuddering under me as my crooked fingertips found their target deep inside him. Then he was hauling me off him, almost tearing at my mouth with the heat of his kisses, legs wrapping up around my waist, words a desperate gasp. "Fuck me. God, please - !"

I didn't hesitate to meet his demand, easing into him slowly, shuddering. "Fuck, Nelson - !" So perfect, finally being one with him, feeling him shiver around me as I took him, hearing him gasp in pleasure, thighs tightening around me just a little. So much nicer in a bed, so much nicer than the back of the truck, with a pillow shoved under his hips to help gain a better angle as I rocked deeper into him. So beautiful, to see his head toss against the pillows, to rock harder into him without having to worry about hurting him against the rough floor of my truck.

His fingers caught in my hair, drawing me down to claim my mouth with his, bucking up against me with a shivering cry. So intense, so passionate, fingers digging into my back, breath in helpless whimpers against my mouth as we rocked together hard and fast. So hot and tight around me, so very alive, and every inch of him mine. I let my face fall to his neck, careful of the stitches on his cheekbone, nipping, sucking at his skin, groaning against it. "Feel so damn good, Nelson!"

I needed to feel him, taste him, needed to overwhelm every sense with him, the scent of his skin, the way he gasped my name as I fucked him. Need to engrave the safety and security of this onto my mind, to know for sure that he was here with me, and not cold and still on that table. I drew back to look at him, shifting to rest on my knees, letting my gaze feast on him sprawled out under me, pale skin marred with bruises and streaked with sweat, muscles tense and surging as we rocked together. I slipped an arm under his hips to angle deeper into him, and was rewarded by a helpless, throaty cry, blue eyes catching my eyes with the most beautiful wildness and intensity. "Oh god yes! David, harder- fuck!"

I wrapped my free hand around his cock, stroking him, loving the way it made him buck and shudder, hands scrambling helplessly at the sheets for purchase as his body rocked against the pillows with the force of my thrusts. It was too much, too perfect, seeing him like this, feeling this, pleasure building hard and fast until I couldn't hold back, bucking hard into him with a helpless cry, fighting to keep enough lucidity to keep rocking into him through the helpless shudders of bliss. I heard him gasp my name, body arching tense under me, clenching and shuddering around me as he pulsed in my hand and came.

"God." I let myself sag over him, body trembling, breathing hard as I slowly came back to myself, the fireworks cascading into relaxation. Watching him look up at me a little dazedly, kiss-bruised lips forming a smile.

"See? Perfectly healthy." He breathed between pants, still breathless, and I couldn't help but chuckle, easing away from him carefully and curling around him regardless of the mess. Dotting his mouth with soft kisses as we slowly calmed, fingers stroking carefully through his hair, and thinking vaguely on how nice it would be to just stay home for a few days and care for him.

"Dave?"

"Mmm?"

He drew back to look at me, fingers stroking over my cheek, watching me. "... Thanks for not giving up on me."

I smiled, glancing away a little self consciously. "You're too important to me for that."

"You're insane," he declared affectionately, leaning in to kiss me warmly, voice growing softer. "But I love you for it. And for... everything else. I do love you, Dave."

I found myself smiling without even realizing it, and gathered him up in my arms, holding him tight to me. "Love you madly, Nelson."

~~~end~~~