A past that never is

The poem ‘Sleeping Beauty’ belongs to Scarlett Faerie and I’d like to thank her for letting me use it here.

*********

I have held the doors open for far too long

Every arrow and dagger have flung themselves into my world

Ripped apart my disillusioned faith

And I am weary of continuous destruction rolling each stab into the next.

I can no longer hold myself here

Feeling the laughter from every eye that keeps staring

Boring holes into my head

Keeping a silent vigil on each step I take

Watching me as I stumble

*********

He sat as if frozen, and I knew that he didn’t know what to say to me. Just as he was about to speak Mauser came in.

“Captain, there’s a problem in the matrix, you’re needed.” He said. Roland was up and out the door almost immediately, I think he was almost relieved to go, so was a part of me. I hadn’t been sure what he’d say or what he’d do. I closed my eyes briefly; maybe I shouldn’t have said anything to him. My past, mine. I shouldn’t have told him anything. Now you’re going to get transferred. I thought.

“Shifter, we need you up here.” AK’s voice said from the speaker above the door. Work, that was something that I could handle, keep my mind off my own problems. I got to the main deck and saw that everyone but Mauser and AK had jacked in. I stared at Roland for a moment, before turning my full attention back to AK.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Colt and Maggie were having a problem. Maggie got shot so Roland and the others went in to help them out before agents caught them. They should be coming out right about...now.” As he spoke Maggies eyes opened and I pulled the spike from her head.

“You okay?” I asked. She nodded once, a few moments later Colt came back.

“Agents.” He said before I even got the chance to unplug him. I looked over at Roland, he and Jorn were the only ones left inside.

“Dammit! Lines gone!” AK snapped. He started pulling up maps of the surrounding areas, looking for another exit. An alarm soundly blared through the whole ship.

“Shit! Sentinels, Maggie, Colt get to the gun bay.” Mauser snapped. He headed for the cockpit; I looked over AK’s shoulder, from where I was standing. My attention was pulled away as the monitor over Jorns chair started beeping faster and blood started leaking out of his mouth and nose, then he went flatline. I looked back at AK who was moving faster than I had ever seen him as he worked to get the exit up, then he started talking to Roland when he rang in looking for directions, after a moment he turned back to me.

“He’s got a lot of agents on his back. He may not make it. Mauser, what’s going on up there?” He said. I to could hear what Mauser was saying.

“They’re getting closer, I don’t think they’ve spotted us yet.” There was a pause.

“We may have to unplug him if they do find us.” In that moment I made my decision.

*********

And now the last pieces of hope are fading

Exhaustion has begun to plague my every footprint

As I trek along these ancient trails;

The mountains that reach up into my skies

Volcanoes which have always been dying

Are now broken reminders of the times when once I scaled those heights

As I stare at those cloud covered peaks.

My heart echoes the screams of the eagles

Though I no longer soar with them across uncountable miles

*********

“AK. I can go in, help him get out.” I said. AK looked at me as if I was crazy, he was probably right.

“What can you do?”

“I can do some things that others can’t. If it was anyone else in there would he give us up for dead?” He turned back to his monitors for a moment, for a moment I thought he was going to ignore my suggestion, then he looked back at me and nodded.

“Okay, but if anyone; aka the captain asks, it was your idea.” He said. I nodded quickly and sat in the chair next to Rolands and waited for AK to plug me in. I could feel my hands tighten around the armrest, it may have been years since I had last jacked in, but I still hated it. It felt like someone had yanked me forward and then I was in a sidestreet next to a ringing phone, I picked it up.

“Operator.”

“Where is he, AK?”

“The fifth floor of the building on your left. Shit! You’d better get to him fast. Sentinels have spotted us.”

“Five minutes, AK that’s all I need.” I said and hung up. Now AK was going to see something he had probably never seen before. I knew that to anyone who was watching my body would just appear to shimmer from one form to another. Black denim jacket and blue jeans melting into the feathers of the peregrine falcon, this was something I had not done in a long time. I soared upwards and circled the building, looking for a way in then I saw that someone had left the window between the seventh and the sixth floor open; I flew in and down the stairs. I turned myself into a cat and slipped out the door.

“This is all it comes down to. You are a virus, which is what all humans are. Prepare for your death.” The agent said.

//How about you prepare for yours first?// As I had not yet assumed my own form my voice seemed to come from nowhere. But at the sound the agent whirled, I leaped past him to land next to Roland.

“The traitor has returned. Did you come to help us here, Shape Shifter?” The agent asked. I turned my head sharply to stare at him for a second, but I didn’t have time to get into a conversation with any agent.

//I don’t have time to explain, you have to trust me.// I said quickly before touching his shoulder and then going falcon again, as he assumed the form of a small field mouse. I grabbed him gently in my claws and flew back in the direction of the elevator, which was just closing. I made it just as they closed, but not before one of the agents had gotten a shot off at us. I felt the bullet bite deep into me.and I dropped Roland, who as soon as I did changed back into himself. I however continued moving and crashed into the back of the elevator and returned to my human form.

“Shit!” I clutched my thigh, trying to stop the flow of blood.

“You and I are going to have a long talk about this...later.” Then he was there next to me, tying his tie tightly around my leg to make a tourniquet. He had lost his gun somewhere along the way and I pulled out a silver deagle handing it to him, just as the doors opened. He pulled me up and put his shoulder under my arm helping me stand, together we hobbled out of the elevator. No agents were in sight, at least not yet.

“Phones just over there.” I said pointing as we came out of the building. He nodded and hurried to it; if you could call a three legged stumble hurrying. The phone was already ringing; he picked it up and held it to my ear. Then I was back on the Hammer, a moment later I was joined by Roland.

“Fry them, AK.” He said. I realised that in my absence Mauser had set the ship down somewhere. With a crackle of energy AK blew the EMP. As soon as he had Roland turned a stern gaze on me.

*********

Perhaps the fear of lying bare in the deserts of my mind

Have caused me to break away from the rest of humanity

Tired of wondering when I shall hear that breath of liberation

Tired of wondering when I shall be rewarded with that smile

So this fortress has almost finished its construction

Each brick formed and laid by worn out hands

Which have too often felt the rain of my tears

As they support my heavy head

And I shrink deep into the caverns once deserted

Where my fingers now trace listless patterns

In the dust that has settled upon my walls.

Eternity is far too long to wait

For a touch

A whisper

A breath

*********

“In my office now.” He said. Yeah, I’m going to hear about it now, I thought, as I followed behind him. As soon as we got there he looked right at me.

“What the hell do you think you were doing?” He snapped.

“I was-”

“I don’t want to hear it. What the hell would have happened if we’d both died in there? This ship would have lost two crew not just one. What were you thinking?”

“I was trying to help you. If I hadn’t gone in there then those agents would have killed you. Or am I wrong in thinking that they would have?”

“That’s not the point! If I have to die, then I die. I will not have a member of my crew take my place in such a situation, especially not you.” The last part was almost whispered, but I still heard it.

“What did he mean by calling you the traitor?” I sighed, I knew that was coming.

“I don’t know how he can call me a traitor, I mean you have to have someone’s trust before they can betray you, right? And I never trusted them, so how could I have betrayed them.” I paused for a moment before glaring at him.

“I already told you what they made me do for them before you went into the Matrix, remember? Or was that little part of what I said not important? Do you think I went into the Matrix for fun? Because I can assure you that I did not. You think that I would go near them again if given the choice? I went in there because I-” he stopped speaking, turned and fled from his office.

“Dammit.” That was what he had meant to imply. He hurried after her, not really noticing the look that AK gave him as he ran past. He stopped outside the door of her room, after a moment he knocked on the door, eventually I opened it, and without a word I turned back to the bed and sat down leaning against the wall at the head of the bed. I stared at him unseeingly.

“You just don’t get it do you? No matter how I try I can’t escape my past, every time I try something happens to bring it all back to me. Everytime I close my eyes, or I go to sleep I see them and what they did to me. Most people have nightmares about not getting to work on time, or showing up in their underwear. I dream of sentinels torturing me and agents raping me. No matter where I go in my dreams or how fast I run, it’s never enough.” I finally met his eyes.

“I didn’t mean to bring it back to you. I don’t want to upset you. It’s just that...” He ran a hand over his short hair.

“I don’t know I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I saw that it was you that had come for me and I got a little more upset than I would if it was anyone else. Then you got shot and it felt like a part of me had been hit too. I’m not the kind of person who panics easily, but when I saw you lying there holding your leg I wanted to take that pain for you. I didn’t want you to be hurt by them any more than you already had been.” He said.

“You went after them on purpose.” It was a statement of fact, not a question.

“Yes. I’d do it again to if I had to.” He said. I don’t know why, but I threw myself at him and grabbed him in a hug, I kissed him on the cheek and then buried my face in his neck.

“Thank you.” I whispered. For a moment he stood with his arms outstretched as if not quite sure how to respond, then he wrapped his arms around me and held me closer.

*********

One single heartbeat that echoes like the earthquakes

That have torn into the landscapes of solitude

And become the drumbeat that counts the seconds

Of immortality relived.

Who will come and watch the final sunset?

As gentle rays of golden shivers

Make their last journeys up your spine

I have fallen from my star

Frozen on this event horizon

And begun to unstring all the notes on this arpeggio of broken wings

The sunlight filters into forgotten perspective

And the moonlight cries a single tear;

Sapphire wishes that join the raging oceans

Seeing me as I hide away in this never never land

Behind the walls of a shadowed sacrifice

Sleeping beauty

I surrender to night.

*********