Jenny Jones

Announcer Dude: Hi. We’d like to protest the protest of this fic. It’s not the author that runs her desk ragged, it’s the author’s brothers. Please continue to read this fic. We think you’ll like it! Thank you. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Ford Prefect: (randomly entering) Hi. I’m Ford Prefect, and I’m completely drunk.

Arthur Dent: Sorry about that, chaps. He’s had a few too many Gargle Blasters, terribly sorry. I’ll just be taking him off now. . . *drags Ford off stage*

*crickets chirp*

Lessa: Okay. Now. I get to tell you who your host is!

Yoda: The host I am!

Lessa: Shut up you conniving old troll!

Yoda: CONNIVING OLD TROLL I AM NOT!! CONSPIRACY IT IS!!!!

Lessa: *flippantly* Yeah, whatever.

QGG: Now you know how I feel.

Yoda: Go to hell, you will, Qui-Gon!

Lessa: THE HOST is. . .*opens randomly appeared envelope* Holy shit. The new HOSTS are. . .Merry and Pippin!

Merry: Yay! Did ya hear that, Pip? We get to host!

Pippin: Do we get one of those cool glow-y rod things the conniving old troll was chasing Author Lady with?

Yoda: CONNIVING OLD TROLL I AM NOT!!!!! Getting angry with this I am.

Lessa: *snicker* Sorry, Pip, I can’t give you a lightsaber.

Pippin: Aw, damn.

(both Hobbits pull sports microphones outta nowhere)

Merry: Well, in spite of Pippin’s misfortune, sports fans, we’ll push on. We’ve got a great line up for you today! Ain’t that right, Pip?

Pippin: That is absolutely right, Merry. Today’s match is. . .

Aragorn: (poking head into stage area) Hey! This is NOT a sports arena! (withdraws)

Legolas: (voice muffled behind stage) What’s a sports arena?

Merry: *ignoring Aragorn* Today’s grudge match begins with the Dark Lord Sauron! Why don’t wee bring him out?

Pippin: Merry! What are you saying?

Merry: What Lessa told me to say!

(Enter Sauron)

Merry and Pippin: MEEP! *dive behind a couch for cover*

Sauron: Well, that’s just not nice!

Merry: *from behind couch* What seems to be the problem, Mr. Sauron?

Sauron: Well, see this guy named Isildur was all like, “I’m gonna kick yo ass cuz I think you a ugly mo-fo,” and I was all like, “Back off, man!” So he busted into my home and stole my ring and killed me, and I was all like, “Man. . .”

Pippin: Okay, so, since Isildur is dead and not a Jedi ghost (Lessa: Thank GOD! QGG: FORCE SPECTER!!), we’ll bring out his heir!

BACK STAGE

Legolas: *ganging up on Aragorn with Gimli and trying to push him onstage* Come on, Aragorn! Be a man!

Aragorn: YOU go face Sauron when he’s pissed off at you! Or your ancestor, but the point remains! Nothing of ME would remain after such an encounter!

Legolas: Your point?

Aragorn: *wounded look* Legolas, I thought you were my friend.

Legolas: Yeah, that was until Sauron showed up looking for you! *shoves Aragorn onto stage*

Aragorn: Oh, shit. . .*starts to run*

Sauron: HEY! Get back here! Are you Isildur’s heir?

Aragorn: *seeing no point in denying as Legolas and Gimli would give away, stands tall and proud* Yes, I am he.

Sauron: *breaking into tears* Why would you do such a horrible thing as trying to kill me? I mean, I’m a nice guy! What’d I ever do to you?

Aragorn: You tried to take over all Middle Earth and rule it with an iron fist!

Sauron: Well, besides that.

Aragorn: You tried to kill Frodo for being Frodo!

Sauron: Aw, dammit, I KNEW I forgot to cover my. . .Oh, um, I mean. . .it wasn’t me! The Ringwraiths were acting on their own! *really, really, REALLY fake innocent look*

Aragorn: Like hell they were.

Sauron: Why, you, little. . .

Pippin: Hey! *comes out from behind couch* There will be no fighting on our show! No!

(Sauron attacks Aragorn anyway, who steps out of the way. Sauron cracks head on wall. There is silence for a moment)

Sauron: *crying and running off in the direction of Mordor* Mommy! That mean man hurted me!

Aragorn: What the. . .? We’re afraid of a CRYBABY?!?!

Gimli: Well, maybe the real Sauron had a kid.

Aragorn: True.

Lessa: Yeah, but who would wanna screw him? I mean, that would almost be like screwing Qui-Gon-Ghost or Anakin!

QGG and Anakin: Hey!

Aragorn: Good point.

QGG and Anakin: HEY!

Anakin: better me than Obi-Wan. . .

Lessa: Are you serious? I mean, Obi-Wan’s hot! You’re. . .well. . .not.

Anakin: Hey!

Pippin: OKAY!!!

Merry: *coming out from behind couch* We’re moving on with the show! Because we’re special, we get TWO guests! Come on out, Wormtongue!

(Merry and Pippin decide to hide behind the couch again)

Wormtongue: Yo. Waddup?

Cheebs: Don’t ever do that again!

Lessa: *squeak* CHEEBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheebs: Yep, and I brought another friend too!

Atticus: Hello.

Lessa: Hey, everyone! She’s not a Munchkin, she’s not a Hobbit, what is she? She is Chibi Midget Hobbit Munchkin, or just Cheebs.

Cheebs: FEEL MY CHIBBLY WRATH!!!!!!!!!!

Lessa: O. . .k. . .

Pippin: *poking head from behind couch* Ooh. . .Can I get her number?

Cheebs: You can get more than that, hun.

Pippin: Yay!

Lessa: Right. He’s a dark, psychotic, soul stealing wizard. This is Atticus.

Atticus: *pointing wand at RAM* Avada Kedavra!

RAM: *dies*

Audience: Ooh. . . *applause*

Lessa: *muttering* Like sheep. . .

Wormtongue: Hey! Can we get back to me here?

Cheebs: It’s always gotta be about you, doesn’t it?

Atticus: Who would wanna name their kid ‘Wormtongue’? Your parents must hate you!

Wormtongue: That’s BESIDE the point!

Merry: *from behind couch* So, why don’t you tell us your problem so you can go away!

Wormtongue: Saruman tricked me! He made me serve him and I didn’t know I was doing bad! He told me it was for the good of all Middle Earth!

Saruman: *holding paper* Is this your signature?

Wormtongue: Yes. . .

Saruman: Shoulda read the contract when you signed on to be my servant!

(Aragorn exits, snickering evilly a la Lessa)

Wormtongue: DAMMIT!!!!!!

Merry: He’s got you there, man!

Wormtongue: Yeah. . .

Pippin: Okay, bye freaky people!

Aragorn: A moment, please! I have a token of goodwill for Saruman!

Saruman: Hooray! I’m appreciated!

(Enter Treebeard and other Ents)

Saruman: Oh, shit!!!

(Ents proceed to beat the shit out of Saruman on national television as everyone looks on and cheers!)

Lessa: Before the commercial, I’m proud to introduce a special performing guest, Bob the Dancing Penguin!

(Enter Bob, who enacts elaborate break dancing routine, utilizing moves from the Old Guy Fight in LoTR: FotR, then bows and exits)

Merry: Dude, she’s too tall from you, Pip!

Pippin: NO!!! CHEEBS!!!!!!!!!!

Cheebs: NO!!!!!!! PIPPIN!!!!!!!

Lessa: Hooray for Amazing Authorly Powers! *shrinks Cheebs even shorter (as if that were possible) to Pippin’s size*

Cheebs: NO!!! I’m melting, I’m melting. . .Oh, what a world!

Lessa: You’re not melting. You’re shrinking.

Cheebs: Oh. DAMN!!! Wait. YAY!!!

Pippin: YAY!!!!

Saruman: Somebody. . .call. . .911. *faint*

Merry: With that, we leave you to our commercial. We’ve been booted off as hosts, so maybe we’ll see you around. Pippin won’t, he’ll be in the closet.

Pippin: Merry! I’m straight!

Merry: No, I meant the janitor’s closet, Pip. With Cheebs.

Pippin: Right.

Merry: *smacks forehead*