I Never Knew

Anakin never really got over his feelings for Obi-Wan. He was able, however, to redirect them towards Padme when she came back into their lives. It was intoxicating at first to be around her again. She had grown even more beautiful in the ten years since he had last seen her.

For awhile, Anakin really did think he was in love with her. Their relationship escalated quickly, resulting in their secret marriage. They were not able to enjoy their wedded bliss for too long though. Anakin was called back to Coruscant only a few days later to join Obi-Wan in leading the republic army into battle. That was three years ago.

In those three years Anakin had come to realize that his love for Padme was somewhat out of touch. He had always been happy to come ’home’ to her, there were passionate moments and seemingly endless nights. But he would always be called away, back to battle.

‘Back to Obi-Wan.’

Anakin had come to realize that he was never really sad to leave Padme. But he was happy to go back to Obi-Wan, happy to go back to battle where he felt truly alive.

Anakin and Padme never had more than four or five consecutive days together. As the three years went by, more and more of her time was taken up with her political obligations. She did try to find time for him, of course, but Anakin knew that things were changing. Other than what he assumed was great sex, he had nothing else but fantasies to base that fact on, they were so different. She was a true politician, and he was just not a man of politics. Anakin found most politicians to be full of lies, empty promises, and useless protocol. He could see Padme turning into that very thing that he despised. It was hard to see when they were together, tangled up in the bed sheets, but when there was a physical distance between them it was glaringly obvious.

Once he got around Obi-Wan his thoughts of Padme quickly vanished. His fantasies of her lips against his were replaced with similar thoughts of Obi-Wan’s lips all over his body. Just to be near him was sometimes unbearable. He begged silently for a hand on his arm, or a reassuring pat on the back after a hard fought battle. Any physical contact from this man that he loved.

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Usually when they were about to go back to Coruscant, Obi-Wan would get chatty, in an almost nervous sort of way. They would speak of mundane things and Obi-Wan would often ask Anakin about Padme. He was sure Obi-Wan knew there was something between him and Padme, though how much his Master was aware of he, didn’t know. This time, however, Obi-Wan was quiet in the days before they returned. Anakin felt like Obi-Wan was shutting him out, and it angered him.

Why do I care what this grumpy, if somewhat attractive, older man thinks? Why should I even care? Anakin thought to himself. Okay, perhaps he is more than somewhat attractive, and so what if I can hardly breathe when he is standing next to me? I will go home to Padme and put him out of my mind…again. I will ravage her until she screams my name in pleasure.

And I will wish it was him.
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Obi-Wan reached the Temple Gardens still seething. He knew it was wrong to storm off like that, he knew it was even more wrong to have these feelings for Anakin. Anakin was his former Padawan, his student, and most importantly… his friend. The feeling he should be experiencing is concern, concern for Anakin, concern that he would suffer serious repercussions stemming from his marriage. Not insane jealousy. The image he had in his head of Padme writhing in ecstasy under Anakin, where Obi -Wan wanted so badly to be, was driving him crazy.

Okay. Obi-Wan thought. I am here in the Gardens to relax, to meditate, to put these thought out of my head! This is what he told himself, when he really knew that he came here because it reminded him of Qui-Gon. It was here in the Gardens that he and his Master spent their most intimate moments. This is where their Force bond was at it’s strongest. There was peace here. This is also where he first realized the love he had for Qui-Gon. They came here often to meditate and reflect on the day. It was here that Qui-Gon let Obi-Wan know that his feelings were indeed reciprocated, all said in silence, yet understood as if had been shouted aloud.

Gods, how I miss him. Obi-Wan felt infinitely sad. And this thing with Anakin, what is that?

*Mind your feelings, Obi-Wan*, he heard the wind whisper.

*Master?*” He questioned.

*I am here, Obi-Wan*

*I need your guidance, I don’t know what to do.* There was desperation in Obi-Wan’s thoughts.

*Obi-wan, you do not need my guidance, you know, as do I, what is true in your heart.*

*But I can not…* His thought was left unfinished, interrupted by Qui-Gon.

*Can not what? Can not love Anakin? Obi-Wan you can and you obviously do. You love him as I loved you. Search your feelings, you will find it is true.*

Obi-Wan felt a tear well up in his eye as his emotions overcame him.

*You must work through this and do what is right for your heart Obi-Wan, my old friend. I know you will.* And with that Qui-Gon’s voice faded into the very wind it had come from, comforting Obi-Wan even after it was gone.

Obi-Wan was so caught up in his emotions that he did not sense the physical presence entering the Temple Gardens. Anakin stood silent for what seemed like forever. He stared intently at Obi-Wan, sure that he had never seen a more beautiful creature. He looked like an angel.

Finally, Obi-Wan caught sight of him. “Anakin?”, he softly questioned.