Southern Fried Sith

TITLE: Southern Fried Sith
AUTHOR: Schmootika
SUMMARY: The southern girls continue to wreak havoc in the GFFA.
RATING: R and at times NC-17
DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything in the Star Wars universe, nor do I make any money from this or any of my stories. If I did own it, I would have a naked Sith Lord in my bed and would not be writing this story.

Chapter III


Bonnie awoke alone in her room. She turned over and felt the cold spot in the bed next to her. “Damnit,” she muttered as she crawled out of bed and pulled on her clothes. Looking in the mirror, she ran her hands over the plain outfit. A big grin crept onto her face as an idea struck her. Walking down to the launders, she asked the cute Tw’lek behind the counter. “Ya got any dye?”

“What?” the clerk asked, confusion all over her face.

“Colored dye. I need to spruce up this here outfit,” Bonnie replied, her hands on her hips.

“Ah yes. What hue do you require?”

“Let’s see. I need every shade of green you might have and a few browns as well.” Bonnie looked over the counter and saw the clerk placing several small boxes in a bag. Grabbing the bag, Bonnie flashed a big smile. “Thank you ma’am.”

Renee and Martha leisurely stumbled through breakfast and got dressed for a day on the town. Shopping was always a fun activity and Renee needed to get out of the castle anyway. As they made their way to the nearby bazaar, Martha turned to her friend and made small talk. “So, have you heard from Kelly?”

Renee giggled. “Yeah. She got married and the last time I talked to her she thought she was pregnant.”

Martha gasped. “No shit! Well, I’ll be damned. I wish her luck and I’m fuckin’ glad it’s her and not me.”

They both grinned at each other and said at the same time, “Yep.”

“I hope she’s happy but you are right, I don’t wanna be barefoot and pregnant right now. I’ve got way too much fun left ahead of me.” Renee snorted.

They shopped in almost every place in the bazaar and Martha found many new colorful outfits to take back with her. “Ya know, Paula’s gonna be so green with envy.”

“Yeah but she would never believe where you got ‘em.” Renee chuckled.

“Ya got a point there,” Martha replied.

They walked across one of the bustling streets making their way to a little café when Martha stopped dead in her tracks. She whiled around and handed her bags to Renee. “I’ll be right back.”

Renee looked puzzled before she saw whom Martha was stalking over to with increased speed. Gathering up the bags, she sat down at a choice table in the café to get a good view of the fireworks that were about to ensue.

Martha was a firestorm of pure anger as she approached Mace Windu. Yoda was floating beside him and his eyes went wide as he saw her, mostly because of the menacing way she walked toward them but also because he could not read her or sense her Force signature. Mace stood up straight and plastered his best Jedi Master cold face on as Martha fired her first shots.

“You sorry muthafucka!” Her words were punctuated by a loud slap as she hit Mace squarely on his face. “I told ya I never wanted to see your ignorant ass again and yet here you are. You are one piss poor bastard.”

Stunned was just one word that came to Renee’s mind as she watched the scene unfolding. She ordered up a round of Corellian brandy and snickered as she turned back to Martha.

“But…b…b...” Mace stammered, backing up slightly.

“But nuthin’ you sorry sonofabitch. If I ever see you again, I’ll kick yo ass, no - better than that I’ll stick that fuckin’ purple lightsaber UP your ass. You understand me?” Her hands were now on her hips and she circled her head as she continued. “You are one sorry excuse fer a man and an even sorrier excuse fer a Jedi.” Martha stormed off, the smoke almost coming out of her ears.

Yoda turned to Mace. “Pissed her off, you have. Not a friend, I take it.”

His only reply was to cut Yoda a mean look as they turned around and walked away from the bazaar.

Plopping down next to Renee, Martha grabbed the glass and downed it in one gulp. Snickering, Renee tried to compose herself as Martha shot her an eat shit look. “What?” Renee asked. “That was funny as shit! I think you got your point across.”

Martha lightened up and giggled. “Yeah, I bet that sorry bastard looks twice before he walks the streets again.”

Bonnie stood in front of the mirror admiring her handiwork. The standard issue uniform was now turned into a camouflaged southern fried delight. She turned around and laughed. “This turned out better than I thought it would have.”

“Indeed,” came a voice from the door. Bonnie jumped as the voice startled her. Spinning around, she grinned widely when she saw Obi-wan leaning against the doorway, stroking his beard and smiling.

“Ya like it baby?” she asked as she posed for him.

Obi-wan just laughed and shook his head. “It is…interesting.”

Bonnie sauntered over to him and placed her hands on his chest. “I needed a hobby and since my favorite hobby left me this morning,” she stuck her bottom lip out, “I had to find something else to occupy my time.”

Leaning down, he placed a light kiss on her lips. Bonnie sighed against him. “Is that all I get?”

“For now. I will see you later; I must go to a meeting. We are mounting a campaign soon and must get all the attack plans together,” he replied as she pushed her hair behind her ear.

“Oh, a fight ‘eh? I wanna go! Can I get a big assed gun and blow shit up?” She bounced like an excited child on Christmas day.

Cocking an eyebrow, he snickered at her. “I thought you would say that. I have made arrangements to give you a ‘hobby’. Report to the 5th landing bay. Sergeant Shaw will have an assignment for you.”

Bonnie smiled. “Hot damn!”


Sergeant Shaw was a young rebel but a very trusted one. Obi-wan briefed him about Bonnie but he was not really sure what to expect when she bounded into the bay. “Hey, you Shaw?” she asked with her hands on her hips.

He looked at her as if she had lost her mind. Obi-wan had warned him that she was a bit unconventional, but as he looked at the petite woman in her weirdly colored uniform, he thought that was definitely an understatement.

“Yes. I am Sergeant Shaw. You must be Bonnie.”

“Yeah. So…hold on what is that?” she asked, her eyes wide as she pointed her finger at a small shuttle.

“That is Obi-wan’s personal shuttle. But - you are supposed to be taught how to use this,” he said as he held up a large blaster.

Bonnie looked between the two of them. She could not decide what she wanted most. To mess with the shuttle and paint it, that would be a hoot. But she also wanted to blow things up. The debate was settled when the Sergeant placed the large black blaster in her hands. The thought of the shuttle instantly evaporated from her mind.

“Now that’s that I’m talkin’ about. Where do I get to shoot this thang?” Her eyes were almost glossed over as she studied the blaster.


Renee and Martha arrived back at the castle and fell out in the dining room, packages flying all over the place. One of the kitchen staff came in to the room and smiled down on the girls sweetly. “Do you require lunch?”

Renee giggled. “Naw. I think we just need a drink. Thanks sweetie.”

She bowed respectfully and went back to the kitchen.

“Did you see the look on his face? I thought he was gonna turn white.” Martha laughed and slapped her thigh.

“He damn near did girl. And having Yoda right there, oh shit. I bet he’s gonna have to answer some questions,” Renee said, tears rolling down her face.

She got to her feet and found the bottle of whiskey. “I think this deserves a drink.” Filling two glasses she brought one over to Martha.

“To smackin’ Jedi masters.” They both raised their glasses. Martha added, “In broad daylight” They chuckled and swallowed down their drinks.

“Ugh. That’s some good shit. So I just gotta ask you a question.” Martha said as sat her glass on the table. “Now, ya don’t have to answer but I just gotta ask.”

Renee sighed deeply; she knew what her friend wanted to know. “I have not seen her, if that’s what you’re askin’.” Standing up, she began to pace around the room with her hands behind her back tightly clasped.

Martha could not help but chuckle as she watched her friend. “You look just like him when you do that.”

Raising an eyebrow, she looked over her shoulder and smiled. “Oh you need to quit. But I guess we have kinda rubbed off on each other.”

Laughing loudly, Martha replied. “I bet. Rubbed and sucked and…”

“Hey, hey. It’s bad enough that he ain’t here, don’t get me all worked up.” Renee chuckled and unclasped her hands.

Martha’s expression turned serious. “So you ain’t heard a word.”

Lowering her head, she closed her eyes and sighed. “Naw and personally I don’t really wanna see her again. That’s a pretty damned sore subject. Let’s talk about something else.”

“Awright. I just had to ask,”

“I know. Let’s go out to the gardens.” Renee paused and looked at Martha. “You did get everything on the list, right?”

Martha chuckled. “Yeah, and I got the papers. Let’s go.”


They sat down on the cool grass and relaxed as they shared a bit of home. Renee set up a CD player next to them and cranked up a Travis Tritt album. “Ya gotta play that redneck shit while I’m here?” Martha snorted.

Turning it off, she put in BB King’s greatest hits. “Is this better?”

Martha snickered. “Yeah, much better. I just can’t handle that twangy shit right now. It spoils my buzz.”

Bonnie turned out to be quite the crack shot and hit every target with accuracy. Sergeant Shaw was impressed. Strolling past him with the blaster on her shoulder, she hummed a tune. “What’s that song?” he asked.

Snickering, she belted out a few lines. “I’m gonna be somebody. One of the days I’m gonna break these chains. I’m gonna be somebody some day, you can bet your hard earned dollar I will.”

Shaw looked at her with a questioning expression. She smiled and kept walking. “It’s a little bit of home. Join me in a drink later and I’ll sing the rest.”