Frustrations of a Jedi or The Fragrance (Complete)

Obi-Wan

Unaware on where I was going, I got into my speeder and just flew around Coruscant for a while. It was a cool air that night so it helped me clear my head. I had no destination in mind- I just wanted to get away from all the confusion. Why did I feel horny and ashamed at the same time over Qui-Gon masturbating? Was it because he was masturbating over me? Was it because I had seen him do it? I didn’t know what to think.

Eventually I ended up outside the main Jedi Temple. It was always quiet at that time of night so I parked my speeder in front of the temple and simply stared ahead of me and thought. I thought back to what I had been thinking back in the gardens. As I remembered that sunset, I remembered that I was searching for the source of the emptiness inside me, the one that had been unfilled by casual. And yet as I thought back to see Qui-Gon calling out my name as he masturbated, something inside me lifted and it wasn’t an erection. It was something else, something different, something I had never felt before. It was similar to the crush I felt for Qui-Gon but yet it was deeper, it was almost like……

I put my head on my hands and thought Oh what have I done?

I knew what I had done but I asked it to myself anyway. It was the biggest crime of all, more than casual sex with my fellow peers, more than developing crushes on others.

I have fallen in love with Qui-Gon.

As I said it in my head over and over again, it made sense. I was ashamed because I had broken such a rule and yet I wondered why I should have been ashamed. It felt right to say that I loved him and be proud of my love for him. But yet could I be proud? Emotional attachment was forbidden. I had boyfriends and girlfriends before but I would not have not called any of them love. I would call them fun. But this- Qui-Gon was so much different. I could imagine spending the rest of my life with him, even after I have been Knighted. It was this kind of commitment, this kind of attachment that was forbidden. I can understand that- how can you possibly train someone who are in love with?

Could it be that Qui-Gon is in love with you too?

I had no idea where that question came from but it did. I thought about it and then back to seeing him masturbating. He could have called any name but he called that. That seriously had to mean something. I thought back to when he put his hand on my shoulder and I smelt a fragrance on his hand- a familiar smell that was also difficult to define. It was only when the weather became colder and slightly windy that I found out.

I curled up more into my robes bringing part of the fabric close to my nose that I smelt the fragrance. I realised what it was. It was not Qui-Gon’s cloak that he was wrapped up in when I saw him. It had been MY cloak. He had wrapped himself in my cloak whilst calling my name in a moment of ecstasy. It was then it dawned on me. He didn’t use me or my name in order to excite himself. It was ME who excited him.

I excited him as much as he excited me.

But was it love? I still wasn’t sure but now most of the confusion was out of my head. I knew I loved him and I had to know if he loved me too. And if he was, why didn’t he tell me? Qui-Gon was a rebel- even if emotional attachment was against the Code, it certainly wasn’t like him to stick to the Code.

Something is wrong. Very wrong.

There had to be. It wasn’t like Qui-Gon to sound so ashamed over something like this. He was always one to speak his mind. It wasn’t like him to keep something bottled up inside. I started up my speeder and moved it to his parking space. As I left my speeder and walked down the corridor, I knew I had a purpose and I felt a burst of confidence knowing I was right. However, as I came to our apartment and began to open the door, I suddenly realised.

What if I am wrong?

As I stepped into the apartment and moved towards Qui-Gon’s room, I knew there was only one way to find out if I was wrong. Maybe I was wrong but I had to know.