Uncovering the Truth

Disclaimer: I still don’t own Kazuo or Kawada. I never have and I never will. I do not get any profit from this. Kazuo, Kawada and Keiko belong to Koshoun Takami, Kinji Fukasaku and Tartan Asian Extreme. I am writing this only for my own and others enjoyment, and if (still very doubtful) Masanobu Ando or Taro Yamamoto read this and feel offended: Sumanai! I will take it down if and when requested. Please don’t sue!

Warning: This story contains Yaoi, and very graphic scenes of M/M nudity.
Lemon, Lime, Anal, Oral, Fluff, WAFF, AU, language and angst. If any of these things offend you: LEAVE NOW! And don’t flame me. All of you others; enjoy!

Authors notes: Third part of the UTT series (not counting “Kazuo – Kawada’s reflection”), and I still love writing these as much as always.
Again I am going deeper into Kazuo’s troubled past, letting the plot evolve in a much darker way than before. There is no violence or murder in this one; still I feel it is darker and more tragic than the others. Also I ended up surprising myself several times, adding things to the story that were not originally planned, thus the WAFFy ending…. But I hope you’ll enjoy it. And it’s long... Yes I know….-_-;; I actually was unsure about uploading this one…. I dunno… Hope it’ll still be appreciated!

Plot: A life full of trouble and pain is finally taking its toll on Kazuo. Just as things were looking up and lightening for the couple, Kazuo’s past hunts him down, sending him into deep depression. And when Kazuo becomes seriously ill, balancing on the verge of life and death, what comes of Kawada?

As always: For Baby-chan.

Uncovering The Truth 3:
~Aftermath~


Kawada was in the kitchen, with a cup of coffee. He looked out the window; it was fall and leaves were falling from the trees, as the air was getting chilly.
It’d been frost on the grass this morning when he’d gotten the paper. Now however, the sun was shining, although the horizon was cloudy. He smiled to himself; he loved the peaceful feeling of autumn mornings.
The fact that they’d been left alone by the government was also a great relief: They’d been legally freed as a trade for the Kiriyama Corporation, and as a result they were actually being left alone. He figured they’d decided that there was no point in chasing after a couple of teens. After all; Money was the only thing of real importance to these people. It was a good thing to know. It kept the horror away, made the nightmares stay nightmares.

His face lit up in a smile again as his lover entered the kitchen.
Kazuo was smiling back at him; “Ohaiyo.”
Kawada got up form his chair, and went over to Kazuo. “Good Morning.” He kissed him carefully on the lips and then on his neck. Kazuo purred into his shoulder; “Mm…Morning…”
Kawada ruffled his hair. “You’ve said that already!”
“I know…”

The mood was light, matching the lovely morning perfectly.
“You want some breakfast Ka-chan?”
“Ka-chan”, the nickname Kawada had been using on him for a while now. Normally he’d just call him “Kazuo-kun” or “Kaz”, but on mornings like these when they were all lovey, he preferred “Ka-chan”. Kazuo liked it too, although it indicated that he was the girl in the relationship.
“Sure,” he replied. “Fried eggs!”
“Coming right up!”
As Kawada was frying up the eggs, he looked over at Kazuo sitting at the table; “You remember where we’re going today, right?” there was a hint of nervousness in his voice.
“Sure. We’re visiting Keiko’s grave, ne?”
“Hai.” Kawada nodded.
He dreaded it actually. He hadn’t brought Kazuo there before. Mostly because he still loved Keiko, as he always would, even though he could never love anyone like he loved Kazuo. But visiting her grave was something very emotional to Kawada, and he didn’t know how Kazuo would react to seeing him that way, and also he wasn’t sure that either of them was ready to bring Keiko into the relationship yet.
But, after talking about it, they decided together to go there this day.

Kazuo went over to Kawada, and wrapped his arms around his waist, kissing his neck lightly. “Don’t worry,” he whispered. “It’s gonna be fine. No need to be nervous…”
Kawada turned around, kissed his hair. “I know…. Sit down; I’ll get your food ready.”
They ate in silence; there was no need to say anything. And then Kazuo left the kitchen to brush his teeth, while Kawada finished his coffee.

Kazuo came back into the kitchen:
“You ready to go?” Kawada asked. Kazuo kissed him softly on the lips. “Yeah….” They kissed again. The heavenly feeling of their lips meeting was almost too much for the both of them. Kazuo’s mouth opened enough to let Kawada’s tongue enter and meet his own. Meanwhile his hands were all over Kawada’s body, touching, stroking. They were under his shirt, on his back, moving over his stomach, stroking his warm skin and abs.
“K-Ka-chan…” Kawada whispered. “D-don’t…Wait…”
“Mm… Kawada-kun….Just a little more… Please?” He kissed him again, his lips, the line from his jaw down to his neck and shoulders. Kawada shuddered, gasped and hissed out his name; “Ka-…Zu-...O!”
“Mm…Kawada-kun…” Kazuo purred softly as he kissed him again.
“K-Kaz…Wait…We have to go.” His lips were caught in another swift kiss.
“No…Not yet…”Kazuo murmured into his neck.
“But….We’ve got to go…” Despite his words, Kawada picked up Kazuo and placed him on the kitchen table. He kissed him again, pulled off his shirt.
Kazuo looked at him, questioning; “What are you doing? I thought we were going to leave?”
”We are…” Kawada replied. “Just wait a little…” he gently pushed Kazuo, so he was laying on his back on the table. He leaned forward, kissed him, ran his hands through his hair, and licked his ear and neck, biting a little at the right spots. He kissed his chest, his stomach, licked the dark strands of hair. Kazuo squirmed in pleasure, gasping; “More… Please Kawada-kun…” Kawada moved back up, kissed his lips before unbuttoning Kazuo’s pants, pulling them down slightly, letting them fall to the floor. He kissed his way down again, slowly stopping at the rim of his boxers, breathing carefully. His breath caressed Kazuo’s sensitive skin, sending shivers throughout his body. He snuck a peek at the bulge in Kazuo’s boxers, snickering slightly. “Ka-chan….” He purred; his lips curving into a smirk; “So hard already?”
“Kawada-kun….Don’t…Not if you’re just gonna tease me…” But his lover completely ignored his words;
“Don’t tease?! Do you have any idea what you’re doing to me all day?” He kissed the bulge, nibbled it carefully. “Huh? Do you, koibito?”
Kazuo bit his lip, shook all over. “M-More…”
“More?”
Kazuo nodded.
“Alright…” Kawada slowly pulled down Kazuo’s boxers, uncovering his member, fully erect. “Ka-chan!” he purred, gently licking the tip of it.
“Mmh...AH!” Kazuo shook violently as he felt the first lick, letting out a high-pitched gasp with surprise. Kawada smirked, licking it again, running his tongue over the underside, his tongue settling on the vein, and again licking. “Aaah…More…” Kazuo moaned. Kawada kept licking, starting to run his hand up and down his shaft before finally taking the whole thing in his mouth, resulting in a blissful scream from Kazuo; “Ka-KAWADAAH!”
Kawada kept going, and as he bobbed his head up and down his shaft, he pulled the rest of Kazuo’s boxers down, uncovering more bare skin. He stopped for a second, licked his index finger and placed it at Kazuo’s entrance. Again Kazuo shook all over. “You like that?”
“Uh-huh…” Kazuo nodded, and Kawada went back to what he had been doing, and while continuing to please him orally, he slowly pushed his finger into him. Kazuo moaned.
Kawada kept going, letting another finger slide in. Again Kazuo squirmed and gasped. While continuing to bob his head up and down, he penetrated Kazuo with his fingers, like he would during the real thing. He could feel how Kazuo was tightening, shaking. He knew it wasn’t long until he would explode. But he didn’t want Kazuo to reach his climax just yet, so he “scissored” his fingers, dilating him. He went up again, hearing how Kazuo protested quietly as he unbuckled his belt and undressed himself. Kazuo’s protest came to a sudden stop as he felt Kawada placing himself against his opening. “You ready for me?” he asked.
Kazuo nodded. “I was born ready.”
“That’s so cliché…“Kawada smirked.
“I know… But…stop tormenting me… and just enter me already!”
Kawada laughed at Kazuo’s impatience. “Alright… then let’s not torment each other anymore…” and with those words he gently pushed himself inch by inch into Kazuo, feeling how the smaller boy shook. Listening to the way he gasped.
He stopped for a moment, gazing into Kazuo’s slightly glazed eyes. “You ok?”
Kazuo smiled; “Hai, daijoubu.”
“Want me to stop?” Kawada’s voice was worried, as always he was afraid he’d hurt him. Kazuo shook his head, and moaned; “N-no! Don’t stop…. I want to feel all of you…” he stretched his left leg out and up, so it was pinned up against Kawada’s shoulder, and wrapped his right leg around his waist. “Just take me already.” he hissed, his voice husky. Kawada saw how much he wanted it, and felt how badly he wanted it himself, so he gave in; carefully pushing himself all the way into him. Because of the position of Kazuo’s legs he slipped in faster and deeper than any of them had imagined, causing both to let out surprised moans: “Aah! Ka-Kawada-kun!”
“K-Ka-chan!”
For a while they didn’t move, just lay there, feeling the heat from the other one’s body, Kawada giving Kazuo time to accustom to his length. Kazuo however, burning with lust accustomed fairly quickly; “More…” he begged. “Take me Kawada….”
Kawada grew even harder at Kazuo’s words. “You want me to start moving?” he asked, knowing the answer. “Mhmm…” Kazuo whispered, his eyes begging him. Kawada started moving, slowly and carefully at first, then harder and faster, accompanied by Kazuo’s growing breath. With each thrust he tried to hit that spot inside of Kazuo that made him go wild. Several times he felt the tip of his shaft brushing the soft gland deep inside of him, each time with the same result; “K-Kawada-kun! Aah!” Kazuo’s screams filled his ears and at the same time he felt how Kazuo’s inner muscles tightened around him, causing him to moan too. “Ka-! Kazuo!”
As Kazuo’s pleasure grew more intense he moved his arm, trying to grab a hold of something, ending up hitting Kawada’s coffee mug, sending it crashing to the floor, breaking into pieces. “S-Sorry!” Kazuo gasped, his hand clenching the kitchen curtains behind him as Kawada dove into him again.
“Don’t mind that…Look at me…” Kawada said, giving another hard thrust whilst his hand reached out and grabbed Kazuo’s hard, aching shaft. He started to run his hand up and down it, on which Kazuo replied with a violent shaking and an ecstatic scream.
“Good?” Kawada smirked.
“Yes…Yes!” Kazuo clenched the curtains harder, yanking at them as Kawada brushed his most sensitive sport once again. As he yanked the dark blue fabric even harder, the whole thing, curtains and rod loosened, and came crashing down behind the table.
“S-Sorry!” Kazuo managed to stutter between the gasps. Kawada was so wrapped up in ecstasy; he didn’t get what Kazuo was talking about. “Sorry? For what?” he gasped.
“Th-the curtains…”
Kawada felt how he was getting closer and Kazuo too. Nothing mattered at this point but the two of them and their growing pleasure. He wanted to feel it, wanted to explode.
“Fuck the curtains!”
His thrusts were getting harder, his shaft went deeper. Kazuo’s breath grew heavier. “A-Are you close?” Kawada stuttered.
“Yes.. I- I’m close...Aah!” Kazuo moaned again.
“M-me too!” Now Kawada focused on hitting Kazuo’s prostate with each thrust. And so he did. Again and again he felt how he brushed that gland, how Kazuo tightened around him and moaned; “K-Kawada…Kawada-kun! K-Ka…” Kazuo’s eyes were glazed, brimming with tears, his look was heavy.
”C-come for me Kazuo…” Kawada hissed, thrusting deeply into him, kept running his hand up and down Kazuo’s hard member. Kazuo bit his lip; felt how his entire being shook as he started seeing spots. “Hai…” he moaned, answering Kawada’s demand.
“Hai…H-hai…Hai…S-sh-sh-sha – SHANNARO!” his world exploded into a tidal wave of pleasure, his head feeling like it was spinning. The orgasm was so powerful and yet it wasn’t over: Kawada’s hand was still working his aching erection, up, down, up and down. He started feeling really hot, warmth spreading throughout his body, black spots dancing in front of his eyes.
“Again! Kawada-kun! I... I’m…”
”Me –Me too!” Kawada went deep into him again. “I- Issho ni!” he hissed.
Kazuo let out another gasp:”H-hai!”
And with that they both came; Kawada inside of Kazuo, filling him up completely while both shook violently, Kazuo spilling his seed all over their stomachs, or in Kawada’s case; his clothes.
Kawada smiled. He went out of the kitchen, and came back shirtless, throwing a towel at Kazuo. “You’re a mess…”
Kazuo snickered; “Jeez, I wonder whose fault that is…”
Although exhausted from climaxing twice, Kazuo wanted more at the sight of Kawada without a shirt on, sweaty, sexy. “I need to clean up…” he said.
Kawada noticed how Kazuo’s limp limb twitched, hardened slightly again, and that along with seeing him on the table, his legs still spread, was enough to tip his scale once again:
“Wanna take a shower?”
Kazuo grinned; “Hell yeah... I’d love to…”

An hour later the mood was completely different as they closed up on the cemetery. Kawada felt his nerves going into high-gear; he still wasn’t sure it wasn’t too soon to bring Kazuo along. Also, he wasn’t sure how Kazuo would react to everything. And what would Keiko have said about being “replaced” by him?
Kazuo spotted the nervousness in Kawada’s eyes. “Chyotto matte…” he said. Kawada stopped, just long enough for Kazuo to walk up to him from behind and hug him. “It’s gonna be ok.” He whispered into his ear. Kawada smiled, took Kazuo’s hand. “Thank you.”
Kazuo squeezed his hand gently. “No problem, it’s about time I’m here for you too.”

They walked the path through the cemetery in silence, until Kawada turned, walking across the grass and stopped in front of a gravestone in polished, white marble. Kazuo read the inscription; “I’ll always love you, I’ll always remember your smile.” There was a dove engraved in the stone.
“Keiko…” Kazuo whispered. He could see by the inscription that Kawada had arranged and prepared the funeral himself, it made his heart bleed.
Kazuo kept himself discretely in the background as Kawada bowed down before the stone in the traditional Japanese manner, and lit a candle. He stood back up and went over to Kazuo, taking his hand. “Come on.” Again they walked up to the stone. “Keiko-chan…” Kawada started, his voice was different from its usual self; thicker, sadder. “This is my…This is Kazuo-kun…”
Kazuo touched the stone carefully, bowed his head in respect. “Hi…”
“If it wasn’t for him…I…” Kawada didn’t know what to say, so they stood there in silence for a long time. “Do you need some time alone with her?” Kazuo asked.
“No, it’s ok.”
“Then can I?” he asked carefully.
Kawada looked at him, he seemed surprised. “S-Sure…I’ll just wait over there.” He pointed to a bench, and went to sit down. Kazuo kneeled down before the stone. “Keiko-san…” he started. “I don’t know if you can see me, or hear me…But I need to say something to you… When Kawada-kun lost you…He’s still not over it, and I don’t think he ever will be. Because he loves you and he holds you so high... We have a picture of you in the living room…He says you look like an angel in it. He misses you, still…He has me now, and he loves me, I know he does. That’s the reason why I’m here… I feel guilty… Or, I don’t, but still…I don’t want you to think that you’ve been replaced. He still loves you. But, he loves me too. I don’t want to say that he loves one of us more than the other, because I think he loves us in very different ways. If you feel replaced…Please don’t. For Kawada-kun’s sake…” He ran his fingers over the smooth marble surface again. “Thank you for loving him. He’ll never forget you, and he’ll never stop loving you.” A soft breeze blew, dancing through the sakura trees, whispering softly against his cheek. Kazuo took it as a sign, a response, and an approval.
“Thank you, “he whispered. “For accepting me…” with those words he left, and went back to Kawada.
“What did you say to her?” he asked.
“I was seeking her approval…” Kazuo took his hand. “And I think she gave it to me.” Kawada looked at him, he didn’t quite understand. Still, he was amazed that Kazuo’d “talked” to Keiko, and apparently asked her for permission to be with him.
“You want to stay longer?” Kazuo asked. His voice was soft and kind.
“No, it’s ok.” Kawada replied. “Let’s go home.”

They headed down the path, and there was silence again, until Kazuo said gently; “T-tell me about Keiko…” Kawada looked at him, smiling. “What do you want to know?”
“About her, who she was, about you guys…”
“Well…As you know we were in the same class, and I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I could hardly take my eyes off her. But, at that point, Keiko was already going out with someone, an older guy; Tadakashi something… He was a sketchy character, but I don’t think she was aware of that, because that night they hadn’t been together very long…”
“What night?” Kazuo asked, as they turned a street corner, entering the park. “Let’s sit down.” Kawada sat down on a bench. “I was heading home from a friend, and saw a girl sitting at a corner, crying. It was Keiko. I went over and talked to her. She’d broken up with him. As it turned out, he and his gang had some connection to the local yakuza, in what way I don’t know… And he was also dealing, and doing drugs. She told me he’d dragged her along to one of the gang-members’ apartment, but when they got there they were all doing drugs, drinking… She told him she was scared, that she wanted to go home, but he didn’t care. Instead he tried to have his way with her… She managed to get out of there, and just ran, until she came to that corner. I felt so sorry for her…” he looked away, biting his lip.
“What did you do?” Kazuo asked.
“I punched him in the face.” Kawada laughed slightly. Kazuo laughed too; “What!?”
“I walked Keiko home that night… She said she was thankful we’d met, and wondered how she could repay me. I wanted to ask her out, but it was probably too soon for her, so I told her not to worry about it. And then I left. But the boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend…I prefer asshole…I was so pissed at him for the way he had treated her, and for just being the scum he was. Tadakashi was a filthy, wannabe yakuza, a gang member and a drug abuser, I resented that. I still resent it.”
Kazuo went pale, he looked at the ground, and his eyes suddenly seemed a bit sad, and frightened. But only for a second, of which Kawada didn’t notice.
“I met the bastard on my way home; I think he was heading for Keiko’s house. He never got there though. I confronted him, told him exactly what I thought of the way he’d treated her. I guess he didn’t like being harassed by a fifteen year-old… He wanted a fight, and I broke his nose. He never got wherever the hell it was he was going. He went straight to the E.R instead.” He looked at Kazuo, and smirked. “But he deserved it, ne?”
“I guess…” Kazuo said.
“What’s wrong?” Kawada didn’t like the tone in his voice, or the look in his eyes.
“Nothing. What happened next?” he replied, changing the subject.
“Well, not much…I guess I gained some respect… The next day at school she came over to thank me again, and I dared myself to ask her out for ice cream or something. She said yes, and you know…From that point on, we stuck together. I don’t want to say that we started out as friends, because the love and kisses were there all along, it was just confirmed when I finally asked her to go steady with me…”
Kazuo snapped out of his depressed mood, exclaiming; “You actually said that!?”
“Yeah…God, I was such a dweeb back then…”
“No shit?” Kazuo burst out laughing.
“Watch your mouth Kaz…” Kawada growled.
“Sorry, I bet you were a dweeb with muscles though!” he laughed even harder.
“What did I just say?”
“Sorry…Sorry, you’re not a dweeb.”
Kawada kissed him. “Good boy…”
“You’re not a dweeb…”Kazuo repeated, mumbling. “You’re sexy…”
“Really now?” Kawada kissed his neck, biting at it carefully. “What do you say we go home, huh?”
“Oh, I’d love to.” Kazuo purred.

The walk home was foreplay in itself. Every now and then Kazuo would pull Kawada close, and kiss him. Hard, craving kisses. And Kawada could do nothing but bite his lip, and look around whenever Kazuo got crazy enough to reach his hands down his pants.
As they entered the apartment building all boundaries were crossed. Kazuo wanted Kawada, and he wanted him now. Kawada didn’t feel any differently, and pushed Kazuo up against the brick wall in the lobby. He lifted him up, Kazuo wrapping his legs around his waist. Kawada unbuttoned the top buttons in Kazuo’s shirt, kissing the warm skin on his chest, feeling how the younger teen grew harder against his stomach. He went back up to his mouth, kissing him. Kazuo’s mouth opened more, their tongues played. Kawada took Kazuo’s hand, stretching it up against the wall, squeezing it as he kept kissing him passionately. His lips traveled down, nibbled at the spot on Kazuo’s neck that gave him goose bumps and made him shiver all over. Kazuo’s hand let go of Kawada’s, and he placed a hand at the back of his head, carefully clenching his short hair with each low gasp he let out.
Just as this was going on, the lady in one of the apartments on the floor below theirs, Mrs. Hanashi, came down the stairs to fetch her mail. She stirred, and stared at the two boys, in absolute shock. She coughed;”Excuse me…I need to get my mail.”
Kazuo broke one of the heated kisses, saying: “Go ahead, we aint stopping you…” he sniggered, went back into the kiss.
“Kids today…” she mumbled. “Has no respect for other people.”
“What’s it to ya?” Kazuo growled. The lady hissed something in response, got her mail and headed up the stairs again.
“Just so you know…” she shouted from the staircase. “This is a public area, and you might offend someone! I’d like to see you respect this. The next time this happens I’ll report you to the landlord, and if I have to; the police!” Then they heard her door slam.
Kazuo laughed. “I think she’s the offended “someone”!” Kawada smiled, “Yeah…” he buried his head in Kazuo’s neck, biting, licking. “But you know… She has a point… Let’s get to our apartment. We can’t do it here anyway…”
“I know…But…” Kazuo protested as he was placed back on his feet.

They hardly got themselves up the stairs and down the hall to their door, they were much too involved with each other, frequently slamming each other into the walls, kissing each other hard, their tongues battling for wins. Kawada always won, but Kazuo didn’t mind. He gasped, felt the lust growing inside of him. His shirt was open, hanging loosely, barely staying on one of his shoulders. The top buttons in his pants were open, and he managed to unzip Kawada’s as well. When he unlocked the door, and entered the hall, with Kazuo around his waist, his pants fell to the floor. He tripped, and they fell into the apartment, the door slamming shut behind them. They didn’t bother getting up, continuing to throw each other’s clothes aside, not thinking for a second about where they wound up. The kisses were deeper, ands were everywhere, and their breaths grew heavier. Kawada entered Kazuo, and they both moaned. Their movements, breaths and heartbeats were synchronized; they were one. Everything just melted together in a swirl of emotions. Kazuo’s head was spinning, he was shaking, and his vision was blurred; Stars and spots, and a scream. A scream heard throughout the hall and staircase;
“Aah…Oh-.. my! oh-…M-MY GOOD!! K-Kaah-wa-daa-kun!”
Kawada’s attempts to shush him didn’t work, so he let it go, feeling tingly all over from listening to Kazuo as he squirmed with pleasure underneath him He dove deep into him once more, biting his lip till it bled, as he filled Kazuo up completely, and came. “K-Ka-ch-chan!” he kissed him as the shivers ran through their bodies, and they both shook violently. Afterwards they lay there, bodies entangled, covered with sweat and other bodily fluids, both gasping for air, their chests lowering and rising against each other, soft lips caressing one another.

That night Kazuo couldn’t sleep. He tried, but couldn’t. Although Kawada’s arm was around his waist, providing him with safety, his head was filled with thoughts. What Kawada had told him earlier was occupying his mind; and his past was troubling him as well. Memories came to mind, floating to the surface. He didn’t want to remember, didn’t want Kawada to know. “Should I tell him?” he asked himself. “What if he’ll resent me too?” He looked at the ceiling; white like the dress Keiko wore in that picture.

“You never caused him any trouble, did you?” He was standing in the living room, looking at the picture of Keiko. ”God…I don’t…I don’t deserve this…I don’t deserve him…”
He went into the bathroom, looked himself in the mirror. There was a razor on the side of the sink. He looked at it. “So sharp…”

He came back out of the bathroom, meeting Kawada. “Kawada-kun? Why are you up?”
“I woke up, and you weren’t there, so I went looking. What were you doing?”
“Getting some water.” Kazuo replied. “I was thirsty.”
“Come back to bed.”
“Yeah I will, I’m just gonna put a shirt on first…”
“Shirt? But, you’re going to bed?”
Kazuo smiled, and put on the long-sleeved, white shirt, only buttoning the lower buttons. “I’m kinda cold.”
Kawada accepted the answer, and they both went back to bed. After about an hour Kazuo finally fell asleep. The sharp pain was pushing the thoughts away.

The next morning Kawada prepared breakfast as usual. The radio was on, and he was singing along to the song playing; Dragon Ash’s “Shizukana hibi no kaidan wo”.
Kazuo came into the kitchen; he looked tired; there were dark rings under his eyes.
“Haven’t slept well?”
“No.” Kazuo replied, turning the radio off.
“Are you in a bad mood or something?” Kawada asked.
“No.”
“Not very talkative today are you?”
Kazuo looked at him with a troubled look. “My head hurts, that’s all…” he got up. “I’m gonna get the mail.” He put on a pair of slacks and went down to the lobby, got the mail and went back inside. He gave the pile of envelopes to Kawada. “Bills.” He said.
“Again. Gee, what a surprise.” Kawada placed them on the counter, and started setting the table. “Let’s eat.”
Kazuo sat down, and ate, a little reluctant it seemed. They didn’t say anything while eating. Kazuo had a rather small portion of his breakfast, completely silent. Then he went over to the sink, cleaned off his plate and put it in the dishwasher, before leaving the kitchen without a word. Kawada was left at the table. He finished his meal, and was about to pour himself a nice cup of coffee, when he heard a disturbing, almost choking noise coming from the bathroom. He rushed in there, finding Kazuo hunched over the toilet bowl, retching as the small meal he’d just had came back up. Kawada just watched as Kazuo coughed and spat out the last of the dreadful taste.
“Kazuo?”
He turned his head and looked at him with glazy, tired eyes as he reached out a shaking arm, flushing the toilet. “A-are you sick?” Kawada’s voice was filled with concern. He handed Kazuo a glass of water, and he accepted it, but as soon as he even tried to swallow, his stomach protested. Kawada shuddered as Kazuo retched again. He flushed the toilet once more, but stayed on the floor, breathing heavily.
“Kaz?”
He looked up again; inner turmoil was reflected in his eyes. Kawada reached out his hand. “Come on, get up…You need to get some rest…” Kazuo’s shaking hand took his own, and he gently helped him up. But as he took his hand, he noticed something: there was blood on the sleeve of Kazuo’s white shirt, a stripe of dried blood. He grabbed his wrist as Kazuo was about to walk over to the sink, pulling his sleeve up, uncovering his pale skin, and a thin slit in the flesh. A cut with dried blood smeared around it. He stared at Kazuo, looked him straight in the eyes. “When did you get this?!”
Kazuo’s look avoided him, he tried to get past him, but Kawada wouldn’t let him trough. “Answer me! How did you get it?!”
“A nail in the wall scraped me when I got the mail. Ok? Now would you please let me rinse out my mouth?”
Kawada moved out of his way, and watched as Kazuo rinsed out his mouth with water.
“Why didn’t you wash off the blood?” Kawada asked, obviously not quite believing in the story Kazuo told. “I didn’t think it would bleed this much…” Kawada accepted the answer, deciding to trust him. Kazuo brushed past him. “Where are you going?”
“Bedroom. You told me to get some rest, right?”
“Yeah.” He kissed his forehead. “Get some rest.”

“Why is he so nice to me? I don’t deserve this…In reality I am everything he resents… so, why does he love me? I don’t deserve his love!” the thoughts haunted his mind as he closed his eyes. He heard footsteps outside the room, knowing it was Kawada, the comforting feeling he got from listening to his soft, worried footsteps was drowned by a wave of anger; “You don’t deserve this! You have no right to feel like this!” a voice in his head told him as he ripped open the scratch on his arm. Feeling the blood flow freely, made him calmer.
Kawada entered the room, placing a small try on the nightstand. “I made you some tea…” he said. Kazuo pretended to be asleep.
“You asleep?” There was no reply. Kawada sat down on the bed, Kazuo was facing the other way. He gently stroke his upper arm and shoulder, his neck and hair. “I love you…” he whispered, before getting up, leaving the room. Kazuo was left alone in the bed, tears flowing silently down his cheeks.

The days after their visit to Keiko’s grave Kazuo had been very quiet. He didn’t say much, he was pale and refused to eat. And when he did eat, it would always result in him throwing up again. Kawada got increasingly worried with each time Kazuo’s stomach protested. And also he was observing red marks appearing on the skin of Kazuo’s arms. He hadn’t had the chance to investigate by seeing them up close, because Kazuo was avoiding it. He seemed to be sleeping a lot when he wasn’t fighting his gag-reflex.
Kawada’s suspicions however, were growing. In a way he was sure of what was going on, but he didn’t want to accuse Kazuo without any warning. And not when he was sick. Also, he wanted to give him a chance to reveal the truth himself. But as time passed, his worries grew and grew, until he decided to confront him.

It was a Monday morning, and Kazuo was again ridding himself with his breakfast. Kawada went into the bathroom, placing a hand on the back of the now almost ghostly Kazuo, as he kneeled down next to him. Kazuo didn’t look much like himself; dark rings under his eyes, his skin pallid, much paler than before, and he was thin, really skinny. He looked exhausted, even his hair seemed to be flat and tired. “Ka-chan…” he started.
Kazuo looked at him with glazed eyes. “I think….If you don’t get better soon…You’ll have to see a doctor. I think you’re really sick…”
Kazuo nodded, and Kawada helped him back into bed.
“What time is it?” he whispered, seeming to be half asleep already. “Eight thirty….I have to go to work. I’m gonna try to get home early, ok?”
Kazuo didn’t respond, just nodded quietly. “Get some rest, huh? You’ll be fine by yourself. If not, just call me, ok?” he kissed his once soft lips, now they were dry, chapped and pale. There was a sting in his heart. He didn’t want to leave him, but he had to go to work. They needed money, and if Kazuo had to go to the doctor they would have to pay that somehow too.
He sighed as he left the apartment, the thought of leaving Kazuo alone all day, along with the warning signs flashing in the back of his head,- more with each time he thought about it, terrified him. That was why he’d acted like he did this morning, before Kazuo woke up. He didn’t want to take any risks.

A few hours later Kazuo had woke up, and during the day he’d learned something; Kawada had hidden all the sharp objects in the house: knives, scissors, razors, needles… Everything. Did he know?
Kazuo was starting to get nervous.

Kawada got back around 17:30, and found Kazuo on the couch, watching TV. He still looked like a shadow of himself, but seemed more alert and awake than earlier.
“Hi.” He said. “Are you feeling better?”
Kazuo shrugged. “A little, I don’t know…”
“That’s good. Do you want to try eating something?”
“No.”
“Well, I’m going to prepare something anyway.”
Kazuo looked at him; “How are you gonna cook without any knives?” his voice was ice cold. Kawada turned to him. “So you noticed?”
“How could I not?” ”Kazuo….it was for your own good.”
“How?”
“You know what I’m talking about.”
“No.”
“Kazuo, don’t do this! You know what I’m talking about! I’m worried!”
“About what? What are you saying?”
“Kaz…I’m sorry, but I need to know.”
“Then ask.” Kazuo’s glare was almost poisonous.
“Are you cutting again?” Kawada could hardly utter the words; he could feel his heart beating distinctly faster in his throat. Kazuo looked away. “Kazuo! Answer me! Are you?”
“Why do you want to know?”
“Ka-chan! How can you even ask? I love you!”
“Then why are you nagging? Why are you getting on my case like this?!”
“I’m not! Now answer my question!”
Kazuo glared. “Fine!” he rolled up his sleeve. “Is this what you want to see? Huh? Happy?!” Kawada stared at Kazuo’s arm: Angry red cuts covered most of it, cuts that had sliced his skin and apparently been reopened many times. His eyes brimmed with tears at the sight. “Why? Kazuo, nande?”
“To cope with the pain! The get out the pain inside of me!”
“Why are you in pain Kazuo? What has made you feel this way?”
“I don’t want to tell you!” Kazuo’s voice grew louder.
“But I want to help you!”
“Help me? No one can help me!”
“I would if you would just tell me…-“
“You wouldn’t understand!” Kazuo screamed.
“I would understand if you would tell me!” Kawada screamed back. Desperation dominated his voice.
“No, you wouldn’t! If you understood, you wouldn’t be bitching about it!”
“Kazuo, I’m not-“
“Then why bother? If you care, then leave me alone!”
“No! I love you, and I want to help you! You can’t deal with this yourself!”
“And I told you I didn’t want any help!” he paused, looked angrily at Kawada. “You know what? Fuck this! I’m leaving!” and so he did. With that he left, slamming the door behinds himself. “Kazuo! Come back!” Kawada shouted, grabbing his shoes, putting them on as he ran after him down the stairs. He came out on the street, but Kazuo was already nowhere to be seen. He tried searching for him, but he was gone. After running three blocks up and down, checking all alleys, asking everyone he met, he gave up. He was just hoping Kazuo wouldn’t do something stupid. Hoping he’d return safely. He went home, and hours passed while he waited, sick with worry, until finally falling asleep on the couch.

Kazuo sat on a bench at a bus stop. He didn’t plan on going anywhere; he just sat there because he didn’t have anywhere else to go. He was cold, it was freezing. And he was hungry. After all; when was the last time he’d had something real to eat? A proper meal? But most of all, he was ashamed. Why did he get so mad? Kawada was only worried, he knew that, but he was sure that he wouldn’t understand… He’d said it himself, without knowing about it. And Kazuo was terrified of how he might react. But now… He felt truly sorry, and he missed him. He looked at the clock over the jewelry store across the street. It was three in the morning.
It was going to be hell to pay, he knew, but he was going home.
He unlocked the door and let himself in, going into the bedroom, but Kawada wasn’t there. He found him in the living room, asleep on the couch. Kazuo went over to him and stroke him over the cheek, then lay down next to him, and covered them both with a blanket. “I’m sorry…” he whispered, before going to sleep.
Only minutes later, Kawada woke up, seeing Kazuo sleeping peacefully next to him. He sighed with relief, felt how he relaxed at seeing him safe. “Thank God, you’re home…” he whispered, and wrapped his arm around him. “I was so worried…”
Kazuo murmured in his sleep: “love you…”
“I love you too Kazuo.”
He fell asleep again, and was awoken several hours later, by the now very familiar sound of Kazuo throwing up. As he sat up he heard the toilet flush, and then water running. Kazuo came back into the living room; his eyes met Kawada’s. “I had a sandwich…” he said. Was that guilt in his voice? Kawada shuddered; now that he saw Kazuo without a shirt on, something he hadn’t done in a long time, he could see the condition he was actually in. It was bad. Very bad. Kazuo’d been skinny since the day Kawada first lay his eyes on him, but now… His appearance was more ragged and edged compared to his usual soft features. His bones were easily visible under his pale, - too pale skin; his collarbone seemed to be poking out like there was no flesh around it. His ribs were also disturbingly protruding. Something was seriously wrong. Kazuo’s eyes were big, weary, he looked worried, almost scared. “About last night… he started.
“Yeah…That was stupid…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pressure you.”
“No.” Kazuo said. “I am the one who should apologize…I never should’ve gotten so mad!” Kawada patted the seat next to him in the couch. “Come here…”
“I need to get a shirt first.” Kazuo wrapped his arms around himself, not to freeze, hiding the streaks of red. “Take mine.” Kawada gave him the shirt he’d been wearing last night. His clothes always were too big for Kazuo, but now… Kazuo sat down next to him, Kawada placed his hand on his cheek, stroking gently. “Ka-chan…”
“I need to explain to you…Why I was so mad…Why I didn’t want to tell you… Why I didn’t trust you…”
“I didn’t trust you either, hiding everything…”
“You did it to protect me, out of concern. I didn’t trust you because… I thought you’d resent me…That you wouldn’t understand.”
“What on earth would make you think that? I could never resent you!”
“You could if you’d known what I’ve done.”
“Will you tell me?”
“I think so…I don’t know…It hurts…It hurts so much! That’s why I cut!! It goes away…The cuts…They are good… But what if you don’t understand?” Kazuo sounded scared and desperate, his sentences incoherent. “I’ll try to understand.” Kawada was calm, his eyes and voice soft and comforting. “If you’re in pain I want to help, if I can’t I’ll share it with you. I love you…” Kazuo’s troubled look met his own, and Kawada swore that for one brief second he could see straight into the depth of Kazuo’s soul, spotting his fear and vulnerability. Then Kazuo’s look turned hard again, as he tried to convince himself that he was unaffected, like he wanted to hide all real emotions.
His shaking hand reached into the pocket of his sweatpants, pulling out something that reflected the lights; a razor.
Where’d he get that?! Kawada grew nervous; he tried to think clearly, Kazuo must’ve already had it when he hid everything. “Kazuo!” he exclaimed. “Where did you get that?”
Kazuo didn’t answer, just looked at him, his face close to expressionless. Kawada regarded him and the cold steel in his palm.
Kazuo spoke; his voice was completely calm; “Cut me.”
Kawada stirred; Cut him? Was he mad? There was no way he’d cut him! “Kazuo…”
“If you love me, cut me…” he reached the razor towards Kawada. “I’m not cutting you Kazuo.” “You said you’d share my pain…”
“This isn’t what I meant!”
“The cuts are good Kawada…” Kazuo looked at him, his look was dead serious. “The pain will stop. Cut me.” Kawada shook his head. The panic and desperation was welling up inside of him, as was tears in his eyes. “Kazuo, please…Don’t do this!”
Kazuo kept reaching him the razor, his eyes seemingly begging him. “I’m not going to cut you Kaz…” “Fine, but it helps…I’ll do it myself… It helps. Watch;” Kazuo was about to place the edge against his pale and already severely injured skin, when Kawada panicked. “Kazuo! YAMEROU!” he threw himself at the younger boy, grabbing his wrist. Kazuo’s hand was still clenching the razor; its sharp edges cutting through his skin, being forced into the flesh of his palm, drawing blood. Kawada watched in terror as Kazuo’s grip on the razor tightened, and blood started flowing through his fisted fingers, dripping to the floor. “HANASHITE!” he tried to force it out of Kazuo’s grip, but it was no good. Their eyes met; for one fearful moment Kazuo glared at him with a look that could not be described by words. He seemed determined to hurt himself, and again Kawada was overcome by fear, along with desperation and anger.
“Kazuo! LET IT GO!” it was like time had stopped when the palm of Kawada’s hand hit Kazuo’s face. The moment he slapped him everything froze. Kazuo’s hand loosened its grip, and Kawada grabbed the razor so quickly he cut his own hand, but it didn’t matter. He threw it away, not bothering about where it landed. And then they just sat there, both totally shocked, not quite able to grasp what had just happened. Kazuo’s bloody hand traced up to his cheek, still red from the contact with Kawada’s palm. He kept it there just staring into thin air before finally tears started flowing from his eyes. Sobbing, shaking, he collapsed into Kawada’s lap. And Kawada comforted him, gently rocking him back and forth, mumbling into his hair. Soothing, loving words, until finally Kazuo looked up again. His face was stained with blood from the cut in his hand, and his eyes were red and puffy. He was still sobbing, and clinging to his lover. “Ka-chan…I didn’t mean to hit you…I just didn’t know what to do…I don’t want you to get hurt! God Kazuo….I’m so sorry!” Now he couldn’t keep his own tears restrained either and let them flow freely, apologizing again and again; “I’m sorry…I’ll never do it again! I just… Oh Kazuo….I love you so much!” their lips met in a kiss so desperate it was unbearable. Kawada’s hands were on Kazuo’s face, in his hair, around his waist. He was terrified. He loved this boy so much, why would he want to harm him? Their lips separated, and they gazed into each others eyes. “I love you too…”Kazuo whispered. “Sorry…”
“Ssh…It’s going to be ok… Come here.” Kawada kissed him again. On the inside he was threatening to break down, but he had to be strong. For Kazuo. “Let’s get you cleaned up, ok? And then when you’re calm, you can tell me what’s bothering you.” Kazuo nodded, and followed him into the bathroom.

Just half an hour later, after getting cleaned up, Kazuo sat down on the floor in the living room, leaning against the couch. “Kawada-kun?”
“Yes?” he joined him on the floor.
“The stuff I’m about to tell you…”
“Yeah?”
“Promise me you won’t get mad at me...That you won’t hate me?”
“I told you, I can’t hate you.” He gently stroke Kazuo’s cheek. “Are you going to tell me? Kazuo sighed and nodded. “Yes…I think you deserve to know…I just want it to be over with.” “Go ahead and tell me. I won’t get mad.”
Kazuo took a deep breath, and started talking. “Remember how my father told me I was a disgrace to the family? A delinquent? Well…I really was. I’ve done some really bad stuff in my past…Stuff that meant nothing to me then, but that I’m ashamed of now.”
Kawada listened carefully. He could tell how hard this was for Kazuo. “That gang I used to be a part of…we did more than just getting into fights and breaking into liquor stores…We…Killed people…I was the leader…They all looked up to me. I told them “dance” and they did. So whatever they were ordered to do…Whatever I ordered them to do…They did it…” again the tears came. “Do you have any idea how many deaths I am responsible for? And I didn’t even care! Back then it didn’t matter… and now it’s burned into my mind, haunting me.”
Kawada gave him a soft look: “Kazuo,” he started. “You know that back then…You couldn’t feel…You didn’t know any better. If you’d been like you are now, the person I love, you wouldn’t have done it. I know you wouldn’t. It was just the lack of emotions that…” Kazuo’s pained voice interrupted him: “That condition made me do a lot of things. And I’m suffering for it now. I used to try everything to be normal. To be like everyone else. So, when some guys from the gang….I’m no better than that guy…Keiko’s ex…”
“Kaz? What are you…-?”
“The guys came up with the idea that we’d start dealing…”
“Drugs?”
Kazuo nodded shamefully. “Yeah. And when you’re dealing the stuff…You always end up trying it out, you know?”
“Ka-chan…You didn’t?!”
“I’m sorry! At first…No, and then as I observed how the others reacted to it, how they experienced so many emotions…I figured that maybe…” he took a deep breath. “So I ended up doing it.” Kawada went pale. “But…” he shook his head. “No! What kind of-“
Kazuo continued, “Mostly cocaine… We would get together and do it, but I always ended up watching the others. Nothing happened…I mean… I had all the physical reactions; got dizzy and all that…But I didn’t get the high that I saw in the others…”
“Kazuo…”
“I…I quit using after a while… It didn’t work, so I saw no point… And then one of them…He managed to get a hold of stronger stuff…Heroin … I heard it was one of the strongest substances you could get, and I…” he paused, his voice was shaking. He showed Kawada his arm. On the underarm, next to the elbow joint there was a small round scar. “I decided to try it out…And…I wanted to feel. I needed to be normal…So badly. It was…I took too much… It was someone else who gave me the shot… But I regulated the doze myself… I OD’ed … They sent me to the hospital and…I was told I was lucky to be alive… I didn’t care. But, I think…At that point I just wanted to die…”
“Oh Kaz…Is that why you thought I’d resent you?! It’s such a difference between you and that guy!”
“But it was so much alike my own past…It scared me…I…I was so afraid…I don’t want to lose you!”
“You’ll never lose me Kaz…I promise! I love you. You know that.”
“I know…But, I feel so guilty…I did so many stupid things….It almost killed me…And then…After that my father sent me to the island….” He looked at Kawada, not knowing what to do. He wasn’t detested… Kawada still loved him, but the pain…It was still unbearable. “I HATE MYSELF SOMETIMES!” he screamed. “These memories…GOD! I HATE IT! It hurts! I wish I could forget!” the pain inside of him was growing into a wave of guilt. A wave of nausea, and the more he thought about it, the worse it got. He felt it in his chest, in his throat. He sprung up; covering his mouth with his hand, ran into the bathroom and retched. This time it was more than just guilt, it was real, out of pain.
He flushed the toilet, then he got up and locked the bathroom door. He looked into the mirror, and saw his reflection, the poor excuse… A shadow of himself; “I hate you…I’m suffering… HE’S suffering! I don’t deserve it!” He stared at his wrists. While the rest of his arms were full of cuts, they were practically clean. He’d known the risk was big, so he’d left them. But now…He felt the pain growing, the pain that only could be relieved by the sight of blood flowing. “YOU SEE? How you make me feel? Damn it! Go away!” but he knew they wouldn’t, his memories. It was them he was screaming at. It was them he saw in his own eyes in his reflection, and he hated it. He really hated this feeling, and he didn’t know where it came from, or even what he was screaming. But he suddenly saw himself from the outside, screaming at the top of his lungs, slamming his fists into the mirror. It broke, slicing his knuckles, as glass rained to the floor. He let himself sink down, leaning against the cabinet, holding a piece of glass in his one hand, pressing it against the thin skin on his wrist. “I fucking hate you…”

When Kazuo’d ran into the bathroom, Kawada had understood It was no wonder that he in addition to being sick, felt nauseated by his past. He’d gone into the kitchen, and started making some tea for him, when he heard the dreadful scream and glass shattering. His heart went into his throat at once, dropping the teapot to the floor and running to the bathroom. “Ka-chan? Kazuo? Are you alright?” he turned the doorknob, but it was locked. “Kazuo?! Are you ok?” he kept turning the doorknob, kept knocking. “Answer me! Kazuo?!”
Something was terribly wrong. He didn’t get any response; the bathroom was quiet like death. “Fuck it all…KAZUO!” he banged on the door with his fists, hoping Kazuo would react and unlock the door. There was still no response, and the panic came over him even stronger than before, striking him like lightning. He saw no way but to break the door down. Kawada threw himself against it, using all of his weight. Several times he did this until finally he felt the door give in, and open.
Nothing could have prepared him for what sight awaited him in the bathroom. Not even in his worst nightmares….Hell, this was his worst nightmare;
Kazuo was laying on the tiled floor, completely apathetic. He lay surrounded by broken glass, in a puddle of blood; Kazuo’s own blood, continuously flowing from his slashed wrists. “Oh my God! Kazuo!” Kawada fell to his knees next to him. His skin was so pale it was practically white, and he was barely conscious. Kawada placed two trembling fingers on Kazuo’s neck. He barely had a pulse. Shaking, he found the first aid-kit in one of the cabinets, and while bandaging Kazuo’s wrists he kept on talking to him; “Ka-chan? Can you hear me?”
Kazuo’s eyelids flickered, he opened his eyes slightly, but not being able to focus, he closed them again, drifting back into semi-consciousness. “It’s gonna be ok Kaz…I promise…Just breathe…Stay with me, ok? Breathe…Can you do that for me?” after finishing up fastening the gauze, he flipped open his cell-phone and shakily dialed the alarm central. The lady in the other end assured him calmly that the ambulance would arrive within minutes, as Kawada explained to her the situation and their address.

The paramedics arrived fast, but to Kawada, still begging Kazuo to stay with him, it felt like forever.
They worked quickly, getting Kazuo onto a stretcher, asking Kawada about the situation as they got him downstairs and into the ambulance. “What’s his name?”
“Kazuo. Kiriyama Kazuo.”
“How old is he?”
“S-Sixteen, he’s sixteen.” Kawada’s mind was clouded, he couldn’t think.
“How did he get injured?”
“H-he did it to himself…” his voice split in two. He knew that most likely the paramedics knew all this already; they were just trying to keep him talking. He recognized it from his father’s practice. It was to avoid shock. “What’s your relation with him? Is he your younger brother?”
“No…I…We… He’s my boyfriend…”
“I see… Does he have any other family we can call?”
“No. It’s just us. He’s all I…Don’t let him die!”
“We’re doing our best. Don’t worry.”
Kawada took Kazuo’s pale, limp hand. “You hear? They’re doing their best. Hang in there…”

They arrived at the hospital, and Kazuo was rolled into the E.R. “Sixteen year-old. Male. Unconscious. Suicidal.”
“Suicidal?” Kawada repeated in his mind. “He’s suicidal…”
Kazuo was suicidal. He hadn’t thought of it that way before. Maybe he had been denying it? He watched them as they were starting to remove the gauze, rolling Kazuo into the nearest room. “He’s gonna need stitches, fast. “ They rinsed his cuts, and stitched him up as he was being hooked up to monitors, machines, tubes and an I.V, providing him with fluid. A young female doctor came over to him; “Hi, I’m Dr.Sayaki.”
“Is Kazuo going to be ok?”
“It’s too soon to say. He’s lost a lot of blood, and his condition is critical. We’re going to give him blood, and the cuts have been stitched up successfully. He’s unconscious right now, but we’re going to sedate him later anyway, so his body doesn’t hurt itself any further by trying to wake up. Shock can do that to weak bodies.”
“I know…” Kawada replied. “I just want him to be ok.”
“I understand. We are doing our best, and I know this is very hard for you, but I need to ask you some questions, ok?”
Kawada nodded; “Ok.” At first she only asked him the same questions the paramedics had; his age, family relations... Things like that. “Do you have any idea how long he’s been cutting himself?”
“Uh…Not exactly… He had cut a few times when I first met him, but that was months ago… And now it seems like he started it again about a week ago or so…”
“Does he have a suicidal history? Any previous attempts?”
“He did an overdose of heroin once…About one year ago…But that wasn’t a suicide attempt. It was an accident. I don’t think he purposely tried to kill himself now either…”
“Most likely you’re right. Cutters normally don’t want to kill themselves; they just handle their pain that way. But, it is still very dangerous; accidents happen. “
Kawada just nodded, he didn’t know what to say.
“Do you know why Kazuo feels a need to hurt himself?”
Kawada sighed; Kazuo’s mental state didn’t really need an explanation. Not after all he’d been trough. He didn’t want to tell her any details about the program and the events around it. “He’s got a troubled past…” he started. “And his father recently committed suicide…I think Kazuo believes it’s his fault somehow…” it was close to the truth anyway. The doctor scribbled something on her notepad. “Anything else? Has he had any radical changes in behavior lately? Except from the cutting?”
“He’s been kinda depressed and very quiet…But I didn’t see the warnings… He was very quiet when I first got to know him…so I took it as his nature… And he’s been having the stomach-flu or something…It’s scary how much weight he’s lost…”
“Thank you. That’s all the information I need for now…”
“Can I see him?”
“They’re still charting his injuries, and running some tests…Afterwards we’re moving him up to the I.C.U. Do you have anyone to call? You shouldn’t be alone.”
“No…I..-It’s only him and me…” Kawada placed his head in his hands. This was so hard. And yet…He managed to think clearly for a short while; “Work! I’ve gotta call work!”
“Phones are over there.”
Kawada headed for the pay-phones, deciding to ask Noriyuki to cover for him. He pushed some coins into the slot, and dialed her number.
“Hello?”
“Noriyuki? Hi…”
“Kawada-san? Hi! How are you?” the girl’s cheery voice came trough from the other end. ”Not good….Kazuo…He’s…I’m at the hospital,”
“What’s happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it…His condition is critical…Listen, can you take my shift today? I don’t want to leave him.”
<9>“Of course. Oh, I’m so sorry Kawada-san.”
“Yeah…Me too.”
“Look…I’m here for you if you need to talk… or anything…”
“I know. Thanks.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll cover for you, and then I’ll come down later. I don’t think you should be alone.”
“Ok. I’ll be here all night…See you.”
“Take care. And don’t worry; he’ll be fine.”
“I hope so.”
They hung up, and Kawada went back to waiting.
After 15 minutes Dr.Sayaki came over to him again.
“Kawada?”
He jumped up. “Yeah?!”
“You can see him now. He’s sleeping, but-“
“Please tell me he’ll live!”
“He’s still critical…But he’s a fighter.” She smiled. “Go on in.”

Seeing Kazuo laying in the hospital bed, with a tube up his nose, pale and helpless made the lump in his throat grow; Kazuo looked so small, pale with dark rings under his eyes, and red cuts all over his arms, he was still wearing Kawada’s t-shirt. It was stained with blood now. “Ka-chan…” he whispered, going over to the bed, a finger tracing over Kazuo’s cheek. He sat down on the chair next to the bed. “How are you baby?”
This wasn’t something he’d normally say, but all he wanted now was to show Kazuo his love, even if he couldn’t respond. And of course, he didn’t. Kazuo was laying perfectly still, completely quiet. “I’m so sorry…I should’ve helped you. I should’ve seen the signs before you ended up here…God, I’m so sorry…I never…I never wanted this to…Ka-chan…Why didn’t you tell me? Why couldn’t I help?”
He gazed down at the emotionless face; How? Just day s ago Kazuo had been his cheerful self; full of mischief. How had he become reduced to this?
Kawada hated himself for not noticing what had been going on with him. “Why didn’t I react sooner?” he thought. He was so angry with himself; he had suspected Kazuo for cutting again, and he’d seen…He’d seen the marks. “I could’ve done something!”

He didn’t know how many hours he’d been sitting there holding Kazuo’s hand in his own. The bleeping from the machines became a distant buzz in the background. He never took his eyes off Kazuo; desperately searching for possible signs of him waking up. Although he knew he wouldn’t. He was in an artificial coma, caused by anesthetics, it would be up to the doctors when he would be awoken, and even then it would take days before he would come to.
At night, Noriyuki came down. She was very worried, and gave Kawada a comforting hug. “Hi…Are you ok?”
“A little shaky…” he replied.
“How is he?”
“Comatose. Completely out of it.”
“I’m sorry…Do you need anything?”
He shrugged. “No. I’m not hungry….And…No.”
“Alright.”

Noriyuki stayed with him at the hospital for more than two hours.
“Do you want me to work for you tomorrow as well?”
“Yeah please, if possible. I don’t want to leave him. I’m staying.”
“Alright. I’ll check in on you tomorrow. Take care. And call me if you need anything, or if something happens.”
“I will.”

Two days passed without change, and Kawada stayed by Kazuo’s side. He was refusing to leave.

On the third day, when Noriyuki came down, he’d fallen asleep; resting his head and arms in Kazuo’s bed, still holding his hand. She didn’t want to wake him, so she sat there until he woke up about half an hour later.
“Hi.” She said.
“Sorry…Have I slept long?”
“I don’t know…At least half an hour… I didn’t want to wake you up. Here, I brought you something to eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Yes you are! You’ve been sitting here for three days, and you haven’t had anything to eat.”
“I guess…But I’m not really feeling like eating…Seeing him like this…”
“I know, but you have to. Come on, the last thing he’d want is for you to get sick.”
“Alright.” Kawada took the sandwich from her, and started eating, slowly.
Dr.Sayaki came in. “Kawada-san?”
“Yes?” his voice was filled with anticipation. “Any news?”
She smiled. “I think you will be happy to hear that he’s stable.”
Kawada’s face broke into a grin; “He is?! That’s great!”
She nodded. “Yes, his body is handling the transfusion very well, and he’s breathing properly. Everything seems to be fine. We’ll be taking him off the morphine tomorrow morning, so he can wake up.”
“Oh my god! You hear Kazuo?! You’ll be fine!” he squeezed the hand of his comatose boyfriend.
“Yes, he’ll be fine. So I suggest that you go home tonight,”
“You’ve told me to go home every night. I’m not leaving him.”
“Kawada-san, listen to me. Go home, get some rest and come back tomorrow. He’ll be fine.”
“But…”
“Don’t worry. Nothing’s going to happen. We won’t do anything until you get here. And you’ve hardly slept since he came here. You need to rest.” The doctor said firmly.
“Fine…But call me if something…”
“We will.”
“Come on, I’ll give you a ride.” Noriyuki said, placing a hand on his shoulder.
“Okay. Just…Let me say goodbye.” He went back to the hospital-bed, taking Kazuo’s hand again. “Bye, Kaz. I’ll see you in the morning.” He leaned down, and kissed him softly on the lips, then whispered into Kazuo’s ear; “Aishiteru Kazuo-kun. Oyasumi…”

Although he was dead tired and knew he needed sleep, his heart felt heavy when he left with Noriyuki, getting in her car. “He’ll be fine.” She said calmly. “Don’t worry, he’s in good hands.”
“I know, I just…It feels wrong to leave him.”
“Relax. You need to get away from there…It could drive anyone crazy being cooped up there all the time, and what difference does it make? You heard her; nothing’s gonna happen whether you’re there or not. He’s stable.”
“Yeah, but I feel like I should be with him. I’m all he’s got…”

They pulled up to Kawada’s apartment building, and she followed him inside, to his door. “I can stay here with you if you’d like? I don’t know if you should be alone now…”
“I’ll be fine.” Kawada forced a smile. “Just go home…I’m tired. I’ll get some sleep and then go there again tomorrow morning.”
“Sure?”
“Yeah. Don’t worry. You need to rest too you know.”
“Alright.” She smiled. “And if there is anything. Anything at all, don’t hesitate to call me; Even if it’s in the middle of the night.”
“Thanks. For everything.”
“That’s what friends are for.” She smiled. “Take care.”
“You too. Good night.”

As he closed the door behind him, and walked into the empty apartment he shuddered.
It was like time had been frozen; the first door he passed was the bathroom, he glanced in there and felt his stomach turn and chills run down his spine. Nothing had been done with it since that day: Shattered glass was still scattered all over the blood stained floor. Kazuo’s blood.

Kawada went into the kitchen; the broken teapot still laying in pieces on the linoleum.
He didn’t feel like doing anything about it. He didn’t feel like doing anything; opening the fridge but closing it rapidly again. He didn’t feel like eating.

In the living room Kazuo’s mess was still on the couch, like he was there, but it was quiet. Too quiet. “God…How did I ever manage to live here alone for three years?”
Without Kazuo, the apartment felt too big: quiet and almost dead.

He entered the bedroom, and let out a sad sigh.
Finally he decided to go to bed. He could clean up later.
He undressed and got into bed, it seemed so big without Kazuo. And so cold; The spot where Kazuo usually slept was empty. His warm body…It wasn’t there. Kawada couldn’t sleep. Thousands of thoughts spun in his head: “Why? How?” “Kazuo…”
He tossed and turned, but he couldn’t find a comfy position. He groaned, he was so used to holding Kazuo at night, or to have him sleeping with his head on his chest; that spiky hair tickling his nose; Or having Kazuo nuzzle in against his neck, his rhythmic, warm breath dancing over his skin. And now…he wasn’t there.
Kawada sighed, and turned once more. He closed his eyes, and then…it was like he felt something; a warm hand on his shoulder, a voice whispering; “I love you…” His eyes flew open, and he quickly turned around, “Kazuo?!”
But no…There was nothing there; Kazuo’s side of the bed was just as empty as before.
And then…His heart broke. He couldn’t hold back anymore; Kawada let the tears stream down his cheeks, let the sobs escape his lips, allowing himself to really cry for the first time since Keiko’s death. “I don’t want to lose him too…Don’t let me lose him too…”
He was absolutely exhausted, and it still would take hours until he finally cried himself to sleep.

The next morning he woke up feeling just as exhausted as he had when he’d gone to bed. He still wasn’t hungry, and just the thought of cleaning the bathroom made him want to scream. Instead of doing any of the two, he found a bunch of Kazuo’s clothes and packed them in a bag. He hated the thought of letting Kazuo lay there in an old, bloodstained shirt. Still, he knew that most likely he’d get dressed up in one of those white, papery, hospital gowns.

When he left for the hospital the bag was forgotten, left by the door. He passed the park, and decided to bring Kazuo some flowers.
Kawada picked some branches from a sakura tree; Kazuo loved sakura.

He hadn’t left Kazuo’s room at the I.C.U for anything else than bathroom breaks when they’d first come in, so he figured he’d have to announce at the front desk who he was and who he was there to see. Going over to the front desk he addressed the woman behind it;
“Excuse me?”
“Yes?”
“I’m here to visit someone at the I.C.U.”
“The name of the patient?”
“Kiriyama Kazuo.”
“And yours?”
“Kawada Shogo.”
“Are you family?”
“No…not exactly…”
“Then I’m sorry. It’s not visiting hour, and only close family is allowed at the I.C.U at this time of day.”
“But…he has no other family! I’m all he’s got!”
“Sorry, it’s hospital policy.”
“But, I’ve been sitting by his bed for three days straight, until last night!”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have left.”
“Would you listen?! I NEED TO SEE HIM!”
“And I told you it’s hospital policy; family only.”
“I’m all the family he’s got!”
“What did you say your relationship with him was?”
“Boyfriend. He’s my… I’m his boyfriend.”
“Sorry. Only spouses are considered family in addition to the closest relatives.”
Kawada was starting to get pissed; “I’M HIS BOYFRIEND FOR FUCKS SAKE! We only have each other! What else do you need?!”
“Yumi, let Kawada-san see him.” It was Dr.Sayaki.
“But doctor…He’s not…”
“Kazuo has no living relatives. His only relation of any kind is Kawada, and you can’t keep the only person he has away from him.”
“But the rules…” Yumi stuttered.
“All rules have exceptions.” She smiled and turned to Kawada. “Kazuo is still sleeping. Do you want to see him?”
“Of course! You haven’t done anything without me?”
“No. We’ll take him off the morphine now if you’d like?”
“Yeah.” Kawada followed her into the I.C.U. “How did things go last night?”
“He was stable, and everything was fine. His pulse increased a little though, right after you left.”
“What?!”
“Don’t worry; it was nothing to worry about. I think he just felt that you weren’t there.”
“So…Kazuo noticed that I left. And it worried him? Then I’m not leaving him again.” His voice was determined.
“I told you not to worry. He adjusted quickly. There’s no need to get scared, he knows you’re coming back.”
“I hope so.” They entered the room and Kawada greeted the other nurses.
“We’re just about to take him off the morphine now.”
“Good. Kawada-san? Can you hold his hand? It’s comforting for most patients, then they know they’re not alone.”
Kawada took Kazuo’s hand, and kissed him on the forehead; “I’m here now…We’re going to wake you up.”
“We’re going to have to get his shirt off.” one of the nurses said. “We need to monitor his pulse and heartbeat closely, so we have to fasten some things on his body, electrodes and monitoring devices. Can you just support his back, so we can get it off?”
Kawada nodded as they removed the I.V and several other tubes; “Sit him up.”
He rose Kazuo to a sitting position, supporting him at his lower back and shoulders, holding his limp, cold body. He knew why Kazuo was cold, he knew it was the coma that caused it, but he wished he could be warmer; couldn’t help wondering if he was freezing. He didn’t want him to be laying there without his clothes on when it was cold. It was almost like all common sense was gone: his way of thinking reminded him of a child’s, so innocent and naïve. Holding him tightly he helped stretch out his arms so his shirt could come off, and when it did; he gasped. Kazuo was so skinny! Seeing him in the bed, seeming so small was one thing, but he was so… Everywhere his bones were visible under his skin, and his joints seemed oversized. They lay him back down, and he got hooked up to the I.V and tube again. When the tube up his nose was refastened his breathing got easier, and less exhausting.
“If everything goes well, we’ll start feeding him tomorrow.”
“Really?” Kawada was relieved, it didn’t seem like Kazuo’s body was able to handle anymore.
“Yes. You said he’d been sick?”
“Yeah, stomach flu or something… He hasn’t been eating well.”
“All the more reason to put him on the stomach tube… He hasn’t had much nutrition for quite some time. His body can’t do much at this state; it won’t be able to heal itself.
Kawada nodded, stroke his finger gently over Kazuo’s arm.

The next day Kazuo was hooked up to a tube transferring liquid food directly into his stomach. And as his stomach didn’t protest, he would get a little more each day. Kawada sat by his bed every day, from early in the morning, till late in the evening. He hated going home, leaving Kazuo. He hated to be alone in their apartment. But, he knew he needed to rest, so he listened to the doctors and went home at night. Noriyuki was great, a true friend, always making sure Kawada ate, slept and didn’t forget about himself in his worry. She continued working his shifts, coming down to the hospital afterwards for a few hours. If it hadn’t been for her, Kawada thought he might have gone insane. She was calming his worry with her presence and casual yet sensitive conversations;
“The sakura is beautiful.”
Kawada nodded. “I bring him new branches every day.”
“I’m sure he appreciates it.” She tried to keep a natural tone, not knowing how to act or what to say. Kawada was a wreck, just waiting for Kazuo to wake up. Every day he sat there, watching, waiting, and talking to him. He told him about the weather, read him the newspaper, played him music. The nurses had said it was soothing for patients to hear familiar voices and sounds, and that it might help him regain consciousness.
She was touched by Kawada’s care for Kazuo, trying as best she could to support him in his hardest of times.

And then, two days after taking him off the morphine, Kazuo started reacting again. When spoken to, his eyelids flickered slightly, as if he was trying to open his eyes.
“He’s starting to wake up.” Dr.Sayaki smiled. “His body isn’t quite strong enough, and the morphine is still wearing off, that’s why he can’t wake up completely just yet. But, he knows you’re here… he’s trying to communicate.” She explained.
“Yes…I’m here, don’t be afraid. Just take your time, get well…” Kawada said tenderly, brushing Kazuo’s cheek with his hand. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”
Kazuo’s eyelid twitched, and Kawada smiled. He loved seeing it, the sign that he was still with him, that he was still alive.

Over the next few days Kazuo started showing more and more signs of waking up: The flickering of his eyelids, normal heartbeats, his body regaining its temperature…
“He’s taking a longer time waking up than most others because of the exhaustion in his body after the illness and blood loss, but things are going the right way now. He could wake up any day now.” After hearing those words, the words he had been waiting for, Kawada moved back into the hospital. He wanted to be there when Kazuo came to: sitting by the bed constantly, talking to him, and holding his hand. The only times he left were when they were running tests on him or changing the bed. Although he stayed outside, watching. Kazuo had regained some weight, and didn’t look as skeleton like as he had used to only last week.

Kazuo had been in the hospital for two weeks when Kawada moved back in, and three more days after that before it happened: It was lunchtime on the third day, and Kawada was about to go get some food. “Lunch.” He said. “I’ll be right back, love.” He gently kissed Kazuo’s lips. But…Unlike the other times he’d done it, he felt a slight pressure on his own lips; the pressure of Kazuo’s lips against his! He flinched, pulled away.
“K-Kazuo?” Kazuo’s eyes slowly opened, gazing up at him with a dull look. Their eyes met for a split second, and then Kazuo’s closed again. Kawada was overcome by so many feelings; relief, shock, joy, surprise, all at once. He pushed the button on the wall several times; calling for the nurses. Two of them came to the doorway. “Is something wrong?”
Kawada was almost too excited to talk: “I- He…Kazuo…He looked at me! Get Dr.Sayaki!” One of them ran off, the other stayed. Kawada told her what had happened, and then repeated it when the doctor arrived, asking about it; “I was about to get lunch… He kissed me back! And then… He opened his eyes and looked at me!”
The doctor checked Kazuo’s heart rhythm and pulse, and his pupils and then wrote it all down in his chart. “He is in good shape.” She concluded, “He’s sleeping again, but not for long. He’ll wake up again soon.”
”And he’ll be fine?”
“He might be a little out of it, - drowsy, and have some trouble coordinating his body. Some people struggle to talk too, but I think he will be fine.”

Somewhat two hours later Kazuo gazed up on Kawada again.
“Morning.” Kawada purred warmly.
“Hi…” Kazuo mouthed. He found his throat to be rusty, it was hard to speak. Kawada stroke his hair gently. “Ssh… Don’t speak, rest.” Kazuo gave a weak nod. He turned his look to Kawada again, and whispered, his voice was hoarse and raspy; “H-Have you… been here all the time?”
“Practically…I was ordered to go home some nights, but I’ve mostly been here. I couldn’t leave… I’ve been worried.”
“Don’t be…”
“Ssh…Sleep.” As much as Kawada loved to see him awoken, to hear his voice again, he knew he needed rest.

The rest of the day Kazuo drifted in and out of sleep, same with the next: He was awake for minutes at a time, and then fell asleep for hours again. But as Kazuo’s body started regaining strength again, he became able to stay awake for longer periods of time. Finally he was starting to seem normal again; being able to sit up, stand, walk short distances and talk; Although he didn’t say much unless spoken to, unless it was with Kawada. With him it was different; he would talk to him, if not somewhat ashamed. He didn’t want to talk about what had happened, and when it was brought up he avoided their looks and questions, shutting out everyone, including Kawada. It was painful for the both of them, but Kawada understood it in a way; Kazuo hated talking about his feelings with other people, he’d rather shut out everything and everyone than confronting the feelings.
At first he’d been very confused. Asking Kawada with guilt in his voice; “How long have I been here?”
“A bit more than two weeks.”
“And you’ve been here all the time?” he asked again.
“Pretty much…I’ve slept at home about three or four nights… Maybe more…”
“God...” Kazuo lay back down. “I’m really sorry…”
“Kazuo…Don’t worry about it...”
There had been a lot of emotions; When the two of them were alone Kazuo would often cry. He cried out of fear, guilt, pain…. Kawada would hold him, assuring him it would be alright, and with some time Kazuo was opening up again, becoming his old self, but only when Kawada was around.
When he thanked him for bringing him the sakura Kawada smiled. “I know how you love them.”
“They’re beautiful…”
“Yeah…But sad…”
“Why?”
“Because when sakura blossoms it’s not a long time till they wither away and die…Your tears are like blossoming sakura Kazuo.”
He looked at him, questioning.
“Beautiful, yet sad…”
And then Kazuo would cry again, into Kawada’s warm chest, feeling better for a little while.

After a few days Dr.Sayaki concluded after finishing one of her check-ups on Kazuo that he was well enough to start eating for himself again. He was relieved, he didn’t like the tube in his stomach, and he hated being force-fed like that. Now he could control his own intake again.
For starters they only gave him small portions of food that were easily digested, but after a while they started giving him full meals, complete with desserts.
Kazuo didn’t really like this either. But he ate, reluctantly, and never finishing it all, but he ate.

Kawada had climbed into Kazuo’s bed, and was trying to feed him a spoonful of jelly. They were both laughing while Kazuo frantically tried to get Kawada’s hand, holding the spoon, out of his face. “Stop it!” he giggled.
“Come on! Let me feed you!”
“No! I can eat by myself!”
“No you can’t. Your arms are too weak!”
“They are not!”
“Yes they are! Come on now! Say “Aah”!”
Kazuo giggled, “Fine!” and opened his mouth, accepting the spoon, then having another spoonful offered by a smiling Kawada.
“Aww! That’s cute!” it was Noriyuki, standing in the doorway. Both of the bys blushed deeply at being caught in the act of being all cuddly and cute. Kazuo took the spoon from Kawada and finished the rest of the jelly on it.
“Feeling better?” Noriyuki asked, giving Kazuo a soft hug. He accepted it, but pulled away. He didn’t like being affectionate with others, and he wasn’t too fond of people getting too close either. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” He said, getting up.
“Want me to come with you?” Kawada asked.
“No, I’ll be fine. I’m not that weak anymore.”
When Kazuo had left the room Noriyuki looked at Kawada. “You look more relaxed.”
“I am. They say he can come home real soon.”
“That’s great!”
“Yeah. I can’t wait to get him home again…”
“Kawada-san…I don’t know if you’re ready for this…” she started.
“What?”
“The boss wants you back by tomorrow…”
“Tomorrow?! But…”
Kazuo came back into the room; “Don’t worry.” He got back into bed again, and smiled before having some gum. “Damn…I miss my toothbrush…” he looked at Kawada with calm eyes. “Don’t worry Kawada-kun, I’m much better now, I can handle being alone for a few hours.”
Kawada kissed his forehead. “Sure?”
“Yeah…” he kissed him softly. “Just stay with me tonight?”
“Okay…” Kawada purred into another kiss.
Noriyuki cleared her throat. “Excuse me lovebirds? I have to go, I’m making dinner for my boyfriend tonight.”
“Have fun.” Kawada replied.
“Bye.” Kazuo said.
“You too. Bye!”
“Oh we will…”Kazuo smirked.
“What was that supposed to mean?”
Kazuo snickered. “What? Why would you think it would mean something?”
“I know that voice, you horny bastard.”
Kazuo laughed and got out of bed. Kawada stared at Kazuo; he looked kinda cute in the hospital gown. “Too bad it’s not one of those with a bare back.” He joked.
Kazuo stared back at him; “Now who’s being a horny bastard?” he smiled.
“I think both of us…” Kawada purred.
Kazuo got back into bed. “Kiss me…” he demanded, throwing his gum away. Kawada covered Kazuo’s mouth with his own, kissing him. Kazuo opened his mouth more, deepening the kiss, moaning weakly as he felt Kawada carefully biting at his lower lip. It was such a long time since they had last kissed like this. “Motto…” Kazuo whispered. “Onegai…” And Kawada couldn’t resist; having Kazuo in his arms like this, touching him, feeling his warmth…It was all making him realize how close he had been to losing him. His and moved on its own, underneath Kazuo’s gown, stroking his warm skin. “Mm...Touch me…” Kazuo begged. Kawada kissed his neck, his hand going lower, touching Kazuo’s growing, aching member. It twitched under his light touch. Kazuo whimpered slightly. Kawada went back to touching his stomach, while licking his ear and kissing his neck. Things were getting out of hand, fast…

“Ehem… Excuse me….” Dr.Sayaki was standing at the door, smiling nervously.
The two boys broke the kiss, and just stared at her, no one saying a word for something that felt like an eternity. “Uhm…Hi…” Kazuo said carefully, slightly embarrassed before bursting out laughing.
“Hi doctor…” Kawada said, sitting up, trying to make the bulge in his pants show as little as possible.
“I can see Kazuo is doing well today.” She smiled. Although a bit uncomfortable, she too was relieved to hear the pained and troubled boy laughing.
“Yeah. He’s excited about coming home soon.”
“Yup.” Kazuo nodded.
“Was there anything in particular?” Kawada asked.
“No, not really, I just came by to see how you were doing. By the way Kazuo; do you want salmon or chicken for dinner?”
Kazuo shuddered: Always constantly being told to eat. “I…” he wanted to say he didn’t want any, but they didn’t take that as an answer. He sighed. “Chicken I guess…”
Another of the reasons Kazuo was kinda relieved that Kawada was going back to work was that he wouldn’t be hanging over him when he ate. He understood Kawada’s worry, but it only made his guilt worse and the solution harder.

The next few days Kawada worked his normal shifts, spending his nights, mornings and evenings with Kazuo. Often he would climb into bed with him, just to hold him or sleep or whatever. But there was something bothering him; No matter how he looked at it, it didn’t make any sense; Kazuo had been in the hospital for more than three weeks… But he still looked so…Thin. But when he confronted Kazuo, the younger boy just laughed and told him; “It’s hospital food! What do you expect?”
His worry was confirmed one day, when he and Kazuo were in Kazuo’s room playing cards. Dr.Sayaki came to the door, calling him; “Kawada-san? Can you join me in the corridor for a moment? There is something I need to talk to you about…”
“Sure.” He replied and got up. “Be right back.” He kissed Kazuo’s forehead. “Don’t cheat!” Kazuo pretended to be shocked: “Me? Never!” he laughed. “I don’t need to cheat! I’m a genius, remember?”

Kawada closed the door, and followed the doctor. “What’s going on?” he asked.
“We were starting to worry… Kazuo hasn’t gained any weight this week… And he has been eating normally, so he should have gained at least a few kilos by now…”
Kawada nodded. “Yeah, I’ve been pondering about that too.”
“Kawada-san? Are you aware of the fact that Kazuo is an anorectic?”
For a split second Kawada’s heart stopped beating. “Anorectic?”
“Yes. The reason Kazuo isn’t gaining any weight is because his body doesn’t get the chance to obtain any nutrition before he purges.”
“He…He wasn’t sick? I was in the bathroom with him…I watched him…He made himself throw up…? And I didn’t….” he felt as if he was about to faint. Not only had he ignored Kazuo’s depression and cutting, but he’d managed to fail noticing he was anorectic! “I’m a terrible boyfriend…” he whispered. “How could I not notice?”
“You can’t blame yourself… Anorexia is a disease that’s hard to discover…” she lead him to a chair and made him sit down. “In Kazuo’s case….Do you know if there is something he feels guilty about? Because I don’t think his reason for being anorectic has something to do with low self-esteem. And adding to the fact that he also cuts himself, I think we’re dealing with guilt.”
Kawada forced himself to think clearly. “When he was first brought in here I told you he had a troubled past…I guess those things have been haunting him lately. It must be what has driven him to do these things to himself…” he looked up at the doctor. “What am I going to do?” his voice was pleading, and his eyes were moist. He was scared. To get this message now….They had been laughing together only some short minutes ago…He didn’t know how much more of this he could take.
“First of all we need to make him eat again, but seeing how he refuses…”
“You’re going to have him force-fed again, right?” Kawada’s eyes were dark.
“I’m afraid so. At this rate he’ll kill himself… But we can’t have him here forever…And in the long run it’s not a very god solution. Then there are his troubles and the cutting… He should see a psychiatrist, to talk about it.”
Kawada’s head was spinning: Anorectic, I.V, suicide, psychiatrist… It was all too much. All too much for him to handle; then what about Kazuo?
“But seeing how Kazuo has an urge to harm and punish himself…Starving and cutting, I think it’s wisest to transfer him to Kobe Psychiatric Institution for Youths.”
“Commit him? Commit Kazuo to a mental institution?” Kawada’s voice threatened to break once again.
She nodded. “It’s for the best, he’ll get treatment, but it’s up to you as his guardian to…”
“Guardian?”
“Yes, seeing how Kazuo is underage and have no other relatives, you can claim yourself as his guardian… Not legally though, then you’d have to go to court, but functioning. Just for the time being…”
“I…I can’t have him committed…I can’t do that to Kazuo! I can’t leave him….I…” he couldn’t stop it; his voice broke, he felt the salty taste of tears on his lips, streaming down his face. He had to be strong, had to figure out what was best for Kazuo… But it was so hard! What was best for Kazuo; to live with his pain and the urge to kill himself? Definitely not, but was it any better to force food into him and then leave him at a mental hospital? Kawada knew there was a chance Kazuo’s depression would get worse if he got committed, but then again; he would be safe. Nurses and doctors would make sure he didn’t hurt himself. He took a deep breath: “I-If I leave him there…Will he get well?”
Dr.Sayaki sighed; “There is no guarantee, but the doctors and psychiatrists there are the best; after a stay of a few months he’ll probably be a lot better.”
“M-months?” he couldn’t possible leave him there for several months! But he grit his teeth and nodded. “As long as I don’t lose him.”
“It’s for the best.”
“When are you putting him back on the I.V?”
“Tomorrow. Or maybe even tonight.”
Kawada nodded. “I’m gonna go talk to him…”

He entered the room again, and Kazuo’s face lit up in a big grin. “Hi! I didn’t cheat! Not even once!” But as his eyes met Kawada’s, the grin faded. “Ano…What’s wrong?”
As Kawada sat down next to him and their eyes met again, he understood. “You know.” he stated. Kawada nodded. “Yeah.” They went silent. Kawada’s finger traced the scars on Kazuo’s arm; most of them had healed up nicely, but those on his wrists were still red and fierce. The stitches had come out just last week.
Kazuo pulled away, placing his arms protectively around his waist.
“I’m not mad.” Kawada said, breaking the silence. Kazuo looked away, shameful.
“Ka-chan…Look at me…Please?” he pleaded.
Kazuo turned his head, facing him. Again his look was completely cold, he was hiding all his emotions and thoughts behind that look; an impregnable wall of ice. No matter how hard Kawada tried he could not break through to him. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t melt the ice.
“Why…Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you keep trying to kill yourself? Even if it’s not on purpose…Even if you think you deserve to be punished…” he took Kazuo’s hand, it was pale, and so tender and fragile, like it was made out of porcelain. “You don’t deserve it…Let me help you Kazuo…I want to help…”
Kazuo yanked his hand away, staring angrily at Kawada, with a piercing look, going straight through him. “Why don’t you get it?! You can’t help! What’s inside me…Only I understand! What do you know?!” he snapped, almost screaming the last part.
“I know that you’re not really mad at me…” Kawada started, speaking in a calm, soft voice. “I know you’re frustrated and scared. You seem angry because of that, your emotions are unstable, and that frightens you. But you also take advantage of it. You don’t want people to know how you feel, so you use the anger to hide everything, to keep us from seeing the real you…” he paused, looked at Kazuo whose expression seemed looser. He spoke the truth, every word, and Kazuo knew that. He could tell he was breaking through to him. “You can’t hide this from me Kazuo…And you can’t push me away. I know you feel like you deserve to be punished, I know it makes you feel a little better for a little while, I know it makes you feel in control. I know…” he reached out his hand, brushed Kazuo’s cheek. “I know you Kazuo….More than anyone… I know you.”
Kazuo’s emotionless expression crumbled, his hard look faded. He threw himself into Kawada’s embrace, burying his face in his chest, trembling all over, sobbing. All the pain inside him was pouring out with the tears. He was so screwed up inside, everything was just a big mess. A big painful darkness that wouldn’t stop growing, and would swallow him whole, if not stopped by the sight of blood, and even then only for a moment. He couldn’t handle it, and with that came the guilt; the guilt that drove him to punish himself even harder, forcing himself to eat as little as possible. Convincing himself he wasn’t worthy, making himself throw up with each time he ate something. And in his frustration and desperation to pester no one but himself with his turmoil he had locked out everyone; Even Kawada, who loved him unconditionally no matter what. Kawada, the only one he could depend on and turn to, and here he was, pushing him away. He clung to him; feeling like this was the only place he was safe; being held in Kawada’s strong arms. And Kawada held him tightly, kissing the top of his head, nuzzling into his unruly hair, breathing soothingly into it. He stroke his back, refusing to let him go, felt how his heart stung with each time he felt Kazuo’s all to protruding spine under the thin fabric. Kazuo looked up at him, those beautiful eyes of his seeming lost. “They are putting you back on intravenous feeding…” he saw how Kazuo stiffened, and pulled him close for another hug. “Kawada…No…I don’t want to…”
“Kaz…You have to. You refuse to eat, and when you do…”he stared him directly in the eyes. “You’re going to die unless they do this! I know it’s horrible and I don’t want to see you suffer… But I don’t want you to die either. I don’t want you to leave me…”
Kazuo looked up at him: he’d never thought of it that way... With the cutting he’d known it was dangerous, still he’d thought he’d be fine. But what if something happened? If he died? Then…What about Kawada?
“It’s like the world…No, everything stops functioning when you’re not around. My heart…It won’t stop aching…I’m all alone…”
Kazuo gazed at the one person with whom he shared everything; since when was he this vulnerable? He had never seen Kawada like this, so worried and…small. He was in pain, a pain that he was the cause of. “Don’t leave me Ka-chan…”
Kazuo shook his head. “I won’t…I promise.” He spoke the truth, he didn’t want to leave Kawada, and he didn’t want to die. “Kawada-kun…This pain… I never wanted to die…I just wanted to deal with the pain, to get it out. But…I don’t want to be in pain anymore… Will you…help me?”
Kawada had been waiting for these words; people in Kazuo’s situation couldn’t be helped unless they wanted it, and asked for it themselves. But he knew it wouldn’t be easy. Kazuo probably thought that when he’d said he’d help him, he’d do it himself… But Kawada couldn’t, not this time. He still hadn’t told Kazuo he was sending him away…It sounded horrible to him, and how would Kazuo take it?
“I’ll always help you. I’m here for you Kazuo, I love you. Remember that, and don’t hate me when things get hard…”
Kazuo nodded. “I won’t forget. But I don’t think things can get any harder then they are now…” Kawada swallowed: Kazuo had no idea… But he decided to leave him blissfully unaware of what was going to happen to him, for just one more night.

“Kawada-kun…? Sleep with me tonight…”
Kawada blinked, looked at him carefully. “You mean in your bed or…?”
“Yes…Hold me… I want to be with you tonight, in your arms… Please?”
He nodded, got into bed with him and kissed him softly. And with that one kiss something was triggered inside of them both; neglected and suppressed lust, and burning desire; a need to get as close to each other as humanly possible All the pain and fear was converted into want and need.
Night was falling, and there was none else than the E.R doctors on nightshifts and a few nurses around. It wasn’t safe to do what they were about to do, but they didn’t care: there was something burning deep inside of them, and Kawada didn’t know when he would be able to hold Kazuo like this again. He just wanted to make him feel good one last time before he was taken away from him. So he didn’t protest when his shirt was pulled over his head by Kazuo and his pants and boxers being removed by the same hands, just as swiftly, he didn’t even know how it happened. He was now fully naked, but Kazuo was still wearing the hospital gown, and Kawada wanted it off. He wanted to feel that smooth skin under his touch, wanted to explore the well-known territory that was Kazuo’s body, the sensitive spots that made him squirm underneath him, gasping out his name. He wanted to hear that voice, those soft moans and high-pitched gasps. He got the gown of his lover, and shivered at the sight before his eyes; Kazuo was giving himself to him, laying there naked, his legs spread discretely, his lips parting slightly, asking to be kissed. Forgotten were his condition, how skinny he was and the scars on his arms. Kawada just wanted to love him.
He lowered himself to him, brushing his lips with his own, tracing down his neck, placing soft careful pecks all the way down to his chest. He scattered soft kisses all over it, briefly licking or nibbling at a sensitive nipple from time to time, drawing short gasps from Kazuo. His warm breath danced over his skin, brushing it slightly with his tongue at all the right places. Soft caresses with his mouth and fingers caused Kazuo to writhe underneath him; he shivered in delight at the sight.
Their skin was touching everywhere, and intense kisses were exchanged, accompanied by gaps into the silence and the breath they both shared. With each touch Kawada gave, Kazuo would respond in ways that all declared how ready he was. The passion was building up, but there was still a long time before Kawada finally let himself into Kazuo. He slid his tongue down Kazuo’s jaw line, settling at his neck, kissing and biting slightly to divert Kazuo’s attention from the pain he felt at first as he pushed his length all the way into him. He was careful, going slowly, still covering Kazuo’s hot skin with kisses, still wanting to make him experience nothing but good. His careful, soft thrusts helped Kazuo accustom, and as the younger teen closed his eyes and let out a soft moan, Kawada knew that the pain had been replaced by pleasure. He smiled, kissed him, his own tongue playing with Kazuo’s.
Everything intensified; the kisses, the touches and Kawada’s deep thrusts.
They made love with desperation; all bottled up feelings were extracted and replaced by pure joy and bliss. With every time he dove into the depths of Kazuo, Kawada made sure to hit that soft gland inside of him, each time feeling how Kazuo tightened around him, gasping into his ear.
Their breaths were heavy, chests lowering and rising. They gasped into each new kiss, whispering each other’s names, perspiration, small pearls of sweat emerging on Kawada’s forehead and all over Kazuo’s skin. They were in a world of their own; Kazuo’s body responding to the lightest of touches.
The hospital room was hot, with a distinct raw and musky smell of sex.
“K-Kawada-kun! Aah..!” Kazuo let out a high-pitched moan. He was close, his inner muscles shaking, tightening even harder around Kawada’s erection. From the special spot inside of him he could feel the waves of pleasure spreading out to every nerve in his body, tingling in his skin, burning in his loins. Kawada felt it too; the warmth starting to spread inside him, the pressure rising, everything coming together in a flash of white before his eyes as he had his release. Coming simultaneously as Kazuo exploded into a silent scream. He threw his head back into the pillow, gasping, arching his back against Kawada. His mouth was open, but there was no sound...The feeling overcoming him to the point where he couldn’t say a word. For once Kazuo had managed to be silent, but he had never felt anything stronger. And to Kawada he had never looked more beautiful than he did right now. He wiped away the strands of hair sticking to Kazuo’s sweaty forehead and kissed it. Then he kissed him on the lips. They were both exhausted, still gasping to catch their breaths, and Kazuo felt how it still tingled every time Kawada moved as he separated himself from him. He didn’t bother to put anything but his boxers on. And Kazuo wanted nothing to do with the gown. “It’s too hot.” He said. “I’ll put it on in the morning, before they come to check up on me.” Kawada didn’t argue, he let him have his way, stroking his hair softly. “As long as you’re happy.”
“As long as you hold me.” Kazuo replied.
Kawada wrapped his arms around him, kissing him softly as Kazuo nuzzled into his neck. “I love you…”
They slept like that until early the next morning. Kawada figured the doctors wouldn’t like it much if they found him in Kazuo’s bed wearing nothing but boxers. He got dressed and shook Kazuo gently. “Wake up.” He whispered. Kazuo opened his eyes. “Morning...”
“You have to put your gown on…” Kawada helped him get out of bed, and then back in again.

When he spoke to the nurses they told him they didn’t know when they would put Kazuo back on the I.V. He sighed; he had to go to work soon. He didn’t want Kazuo to be alone then they put the tube back into his stomach. Actually he was starting to have second thoughts about the whole thing. Kazuo needed to eat, even if they had to force him, but he knew Kazuo would hate it, he knew it would make it worse: His pain that was. And he was going to Kobe Psychiatric anyway, so was there really a point to torturing him like this? But he supposed it was for the best in the end.

Nothing happened, not until he was leaving for work;
“Don’t go…” Kazuo pleaded.
“I have to go to work.”
“Don’t leave me alone…Don’t let me be alone when they do it…”
“Kazuo…Sumimasen…I have to go….I don’t want to, but I have to or else I can’t pay for this…” Kazuo understood, but he still didn’t want to be alone. “I know…But I just…”
“I know Ka-chan. But you’ll be fine. It’s going to be okay.” He kissed him carefully. “Bye, I’ll be back in a few hours.”

Just as he left and started walking through the hall, the nurses were getting ready to hook Kazuo up to the I.V. Kazuo felt the panic rising when he saw the needles and tubes. “No…” he whispered. He didn’t want it. He didn’t want anyone to control his eating. He didn’t want it. “No…No! No!”
“Ssh. Calm down Kazuo, it won’t hurt.”
“No! Don’t do it! Don’t!” he squirmed and screamed, desperate for Kawada to hear him. “Nooo! KAWADA! No! Don’t do it! Help… SHOGO!!!”
As Kawada hear the pained, piercing scream echoing in the hallway, he didn’t think once. He turned around, and ran back down the hall, knocking over a tray of utensils. He slammed the door open, rushing over to Kazuo in the bed, hugging him tightly. “Ssh…I’m here…”
“Don’t let them put that thing in me…Please!”
Kawada stood up. “Don’t.” he demanded. “I know he has to eat, but this will cause more pain than good. Just put him on a normal I.V so he gets fluid. He’s going to K.P.I.Y…Just don’t put him through this. “
The nurses did as they were told, and then they were alone again.
“Kawada? Where am I going?”
Kawada sighed. This hadn’t been the way he wanted to tell him. “Kobe Psychiatric Inst-“
“You’re having me committed?”
“I talked to Dr.Sayaki…She said it was for the best…I want you to get well. And you won’t have to be there for long…”
He sat down next to him. “I’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself again, or keep starving yourself.”
“I understand you…” yet Kazuo’s voice seemed hurt. Kawada wrapped his arms around him, and pulled him close.
“What about work?” Kazuo asked.
“Screw work. You’re more important.” He kissed Kazuo’s neck. “I’ll just call Noriyuki.”
Kazuo nodded. “Ok.”
“I need to talk to you, to explain. I want you to know why I am doing these things to you.”
Kazuo smiled; a weak and worried smile. “I’ll listen.”

They talked for hours. Kawada wanted to be sure Kazuo understood why he was being committed. He wanted him to know that he did it out of concern and love, not to punish him, and not because he thought he was crazy. Kazuo seemed to understand, although he was a bit withdrawn, seemingly scared.

Dr.Sayaki came in. “Kawada-san?” He joined her outside. “Your application has been answered. They’re accepting him as from tomorrow.”
Kawada felt his heart throbbing in his throat, but nodded. “When?”
“Tomorrow afternoon.” She said. “They’re coming here to get him.”
“I can go with him right?”
“I suppose…But I don’t think they’ll let you stay there like we do here.”
“I know. That’s what’s worrying me…I don’t know if he can take it…”
“He will. They are very clever, and you can visit him several times a day, as long as it’s during the scheduled visiting hours.”
“Ok…I hope it will help him…”

The next day the people from K.P.I.Y came to pick up Kazuo, and Kawada came with them. Through all the time they were shown around and presented to doctors, psychiatrists and nurses, he never let go of his hand.
The hospital was a large and spacious building with a living room, game room, music room, gymnasium, several activity rooms and even a pool in addition to the wards and cafeteria. “See? You can bring your violin.” Kawada said as they walked through the music room, knowing it wouldn’t be of much help. Kazuo just shrugged.
Then the head doctor sat down with them in his office and started asking them questions. Although they were about Kazuo they were directed to Kawada; who hated how they talked about Kazuo like he wasn’t there.
“We’ll place Kazuo in the closed ward…At least for starters, when he feels better and doesn’t show any need to cut himself we’ll transfer him to another section of the hospital. We’ll see how he adjusts. I don’t want to say anything final just yet.”
“What about his anorexia?” Kawada asked, seeing Kazuo’s worried look. “What will you do about that?”
“Well…He can choose for himself whether or not he wants to eat, but if he doesn’t it means we’ll put him on the I.V. It will be the only solution.”
Kawada nodded again.
“We will also provide him with daily therapy-sessions and maybe group therapy later when he’s ready. He won’t have access to any sharp objects, and will be under constant supervision. But it’s all for his own good. “
“I understand…” but slight doubt crossed Kawada’s mind when Kazuo nervously squeezed his hand.
“In about a week we’ll know if he’ll need medications or shock-therapy. Meanwhile you’re free to personalize his room, as long as you don’t bring anything he can harm himself with. We would like him to feel at home here after all.”
Kawada agreed. Bringing some of Kazuo’s stuff here might make him feel better, but his biggest problem would be to be alone. And also, he doubted Kazuo would be comfortable talking about his past to strangers. He rarely trusted anyone, and didn’t like contact with most other people. He sighed; this was going to be hard.
“Can I stay with him tonight?” he asked.
“Yes. As this is his first night here and it might be somewhat scary and difficult for him to accustom to, I will allow it. For tonight.”

They spent all afternoon getting to know the institution, meeting the people working there, talking to them and answering the same questions again and again.
At night neither of them found it easy to sleep; Kawada held Kazuo, hugging him, comforting him, whispering to him like he had so many times already; “It’s going to be ok…Don’t be afraid. I love you.”
Kazuo was afraid, and frustrated. And he was sad.
“I don’t want to be alone…” he whispered. “Kawada-kun…Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me alone, please Sho-kun?”
It hurt Kawada to hear this, and it touched him even more when Kazuo said his name like this. “I’m not going anywhere, not until they force me…”
“Do you think they’ll give me electroshock-therapy?”
“I hope not. But I don’t think you’ll need it.”
“I don’t want to tell them…”
“Don’t. Just tell them about the gang, your family and the guilt. Don’t mention the program. It won’t do you any good.”
“Only you…” Kazuo said. “Only you can understand that.”
“Yes. Kawada replied. “No one could understand that unless they’d been a part of it. Tell them only about your pain, no details of those things.”
“Thank you…”
“It’s okay…Try to get some sleep.”
“I don’t want to, ‘cos I’ll wake up and it’ll be morning, and then you’ll have to go…”
But minutes later they were both sleeping. Kawada didn’t sleep very well though. He woke up several times, and after the seventh time, he decided he couldn’t sleep any more. He just lay there, listening to Kazuo’s rhythmic breath, stroking his cheek, stomach and arm gently. He looked so peaceful…
Was Kazuo truly at peace when he slept like this?

When Kazuo woke up, he looked around, seeming a little confused before remembering where he was. He looked at the clock on the wall; 08:06. He turned to Kawada; “When are you leaving?”
“Nine thirty. I start at ten.”
“Then we have a little more than an hour…”
Kawada nodded. “I’m back by three thirty. I’m stopping by the apartment to pick up some clothes for you. Anything else you want me to bring you?”
Kazuo looked away for a moment. “I…I would like to have a picture of you...”
“Of course Ka-chan.” He placed his lips against his forehead, kissing him gently.

Before Kawada left a nurse entered the room, she was lithe and small with dark hair and kind eyes. “Kiriyama? Would you like some breakfast?”
Kazuo shook his head. She nodded and turned to Kawada; “Can I have a word with you?”
He joined her in the hall. How many times had he done that lately?
“For today we’re just going to let him get used to being here. We’re not going to force him into anything. So if he doesn’t want to eat, we won’t force him. But from tomorrow we’ll push harder, and if he continues to refuse, we will have to start him on the I.V.”
“I understand. But I hope it won’t be necessary.”
“As do we.”
“What program is planned for him today?”
“We’ll introduce him to his therapists, and he’ll have his first session. Then we’ll let him meet with some kids his own age so he’ll feel included.”
“What if he doesn’t want to see other kids? He’s kinda anti-social.”
“We don’t force him to join them, but it’d be better for him than to sit in his room all day.”
“True…But…Kazuo isn’t like most teens. He needs to do things in his own way.”
“Naturally. But I’m afraid we’ll have to make him do things he won’t be thrilled over.”
“I know…Therapy and eating.” Kawada looked at her. “As long as you’ll help him…Look, I’ve got to go. Can I say goodbye?”

Back in the room Kawada hugged Kazuo carefully, saying his goodbyes. “I have to go…I’ll see you in a few hours, ok?”
Kazuo sniveled, and looked at him with slightly teary eyes; “Ok.” It was obvious that he tried to hold back, and be brave.
“I love you Ka-chan.”
Kazuo’s lips met his own, his weak voice whispering; “Love you too Sho-kun…”
Kawada couldn’t help but smile. He liked it when Kazuo used his first name.
“Bye…” he left Kazuo standing in the doorway, barely seeing him go back to sit down on his bed.

When he returned he found Kazuo sitting on his bed staring at the clock. One of the nurses had told him he’d been like that for a few hours. Kazuo smiled when he saw him. “I was waiting.” He said. Kawada gave him a soft kiss. “Have you been sitting here all the time?”
“No. I was at a session…And they let me get some books from the library.”
“Which books?”
Kazuo shrugged. “Just a bunch I found. I haven’t looked at them yet…But they said I need to have something to do since they’re not letting me out of the ward.”
“Did you see the other kids?”
“I didn’t want to.”
“I understand. How was your session?”
“I dunno…” again he shrugged. “He asked me a bunch of things, and I had to fill in this form…It was stupid.”
Kawada sighed; he’d known this was the way Kazuo would respond to therapy. But maybe his attitude would change after a while?
“Have you eaten?”
“No.”
“Want me to go get you something?”
“No.They’ve already tried to give me dinner…No.”
“Fine.” He didn’t want to argue. “I brought you some clothes.”
“Did you bring a picture?”
“Uh-huh. Here.” Kawada handed him a bunch of pictures, some of just him, others of the two of them. “I couldn’t pick just one…”
Kazuo smiled again. “I need some tape.” He said. “I’m not allowed to have pins or frames…Or even glue… They think I’ll sniff it or something.” He sneered. “What clothes did you bring?”
“Well…Normal… Slacks and shirts... One of your suits, and my old jumpsuit, you know they grey one?”
“Thanks.”

Every day Kawada visited as much as he could. And Kazuo was always in his room. Sometimes he was reading, but most of the time he just sat there staring into thin air; staring at the clock.
He didn’t change out of the jumpsuit which only hung around his lanky body. He’d continued refusing to eat, and to lose weight. The only time his face lit up was when Kawada came. Kazuo didn’t seem happy at all; he was refusing to eat, and didn’t want to talk or interact with the others. He didn’t even want to come out of his room to walk the ward freely. And at more than one occasion, Kawada had caught him ripping up those cuts still not fully healed. He did it out of frustration, at least they said so. So now his arms had been bandaged again, to prevent him from hurting himself more.

The therapy sessions were starting to seem like a waste of time; he wouldn’t say anything. But his psychiatrists said it was normal, their big concern was Kazuo’s eating disorder. He was very reluctant, and they didn’t want to put him through the I.V again, at least not if they could avoid it. Finally Kawada decided to talk to him again, or else it was their only option… “Ka-chan…” they were on his bed. A tray with a glass of water and a bowl containing a very small portion of rice and chicken was standing on the nightstand. “Try to eat… Only a little… One bite, that’s all I’m asking.”
Kazuo just stared straight ahead.
“If you don’t eat anything today they’re gonna hook you up to the I.V again.” He’d said it so many times it was starting to sound like a threat.
Kazuo shook his head; “No…No…”
“Then eat something. Please?”
Kazuo looked at the food and then at Kawada. “I’m not hungry…”
“Kazuo. You haven’t eaten in days!”
There was a rumbling sound from Kazuo’s stomach. He blushed, staring at the floor.
“Not hungry, eh?” Kawada smiled. “Come on…You don’t have to eat a lot…” Was that doubt he spotted in Kazuo’s stubborn eyes? He kept pushing; “It’s this or the I.V…” he said “Come on, just a little… For me?”
Kazuo sighed, reaching out a shaking hand, taking the chopsticks and the bowl. “Only a little. “ he repeated.
“Only a little.” Kawada replied. Kazuo stared at the food for a long time, still doubtful.
“Take you time.” Kawada stroke his hair gently. Kazuo nodded, and carefully had a bite of a tiny piece of chicken. He chewed it slowly, then swallowed, and had some water. “Good.” Kawada smiled. “You want some more?” slowly Kazuo ate some more. He ate slowly, but after about twenty minutes he’d eaten half of the food.
“No more?” Kawada asked.
“No…” Kazuo shook his head.
“Ok. You did good.” He hugged him and held him close. “You did really well.”
But Kawada knew Kazuo would feel guilty about eating, so he watched him like a hawk. And followed him to the bathroom when Kazuo thought he didn’t notice.

Just as he was about to stick his fingers down his throat he heard a cough from behind. Shameful he turned around. “Kawada-kun…I…-“
“Don’t worry about it. You didn’t do it. Now back to your room.” He said kindly, taking Kazuo’s hand leading him back to his room.

Kawada informed the nurses, who agreed to give Kazuo food only when he was around the first couple of days. And Kazuo ate as long as Kawada sat by his side encouraging him, letting him stop whenever he wanted. However, he had tried to purge twice more, so Kawada went with him where ever he went, making him leave the door to the bathroom stall open so he knew he wasn’t throwing up. Kazuo didn’t like this invasion on his privacy, but since it was Kawada, and because he knew deep down that he was most likely right, he accepted it.

After one and a half week Kawada trusted Kazuo to eat when he wasn’t around. The nurses watched him constantly, and kept him locked in so he couldn’t do anything without asking for permission and being accompanied by one of them, He was now truly experiencing what it was like to be in the closed ward. It was only to protect him from hurting himself, not to punish him. But still…He felt trapped: If he wanted to go somewhere they came with him, walking him to his sessions and back, to the library, to the bathroom, everywhere.
He was eating and gaining weight, but even the last days Kawada was with him at each meal something else was happening to him; he went more and more quiet, soon resembling his old self, the one Kawada’d gotten to know at the island. The one he’d called Kiyoshi. Kazuo had gone quiet and closed. Until finally stopping to talk all together, except from a few words to Kawada now and then. But most of the time none of them said much. Most of the time they spent together he would just hold Kazuo for hours and hours He didn’t want to bother Kazuo with questions that upset him, these few hours he had with him he wanted to spend providing him with a feeling of love and safety. So he wasn’t really aware of it until one day when he was called in to talk to two of the nurses, Kazuo’s main psychiatrist and the head doctor.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Is there something wrong with Kazuo?”
“We don’t know exactly…” one of the nurses admitted.
“What do you mean you don’t know? Is he cutting? Has he had a relapse? What?”
“No, he seems to be doing well in those areas…” the head doctor said. “Still we feel we have reason to worry.”
“We think he has taken a turn for the worse…” the psychiatrist had a deep wrinkle on his brow.
“Oh? How?” Kawada’s heart started pounding.
“He has stopped talking.” There was a long pause. “Now, we are aware that he hasn’t been very talkative at all while he’s been here, but not like this. Now he’s plainly refusing to say anything. Not a single syllable. At least he used to respond somewhat during our sessions, even if it was only to tell me to fuck off.”
Kawada’s lips curved into a crooked smile. “So he hasn’t said anything lately?”
“Not a single word.”
“I haven’t thought about it, but when you mention it…He hasn’t said much to me the past days either...”
“This might be a cause to worry, at least if he doesn’t start talking again soon. We were hoping you as the one closest to him could find out what’s making him act like this. You’re the only one he seems to trust.”
“Well, he’s been through a lot. He has a hard time dealing with people, especially when it comes to trust. But I’ll talk to him.”

The minute Kawada saw him that day he realized everything. He knew what was bothering him: He was clearly not thriving; dark rings under his eyes from lack of sleep, still wearing the old jumpsuit, still not allowed outside the ward. And when was the last time he had showered? Kawada took him in his arms.
“You’re tired of being here, aren’t you?”
The only response he was given was a soft clench to his shirt by Kazuo’s hand.
“I brought your violin…”
Kazuo looked away. A violin couldn’t make him happy. Didn’t Kawada understand? He only wanted to go home with him.
“Are you going to stop talking to me too?” Kawada’s voice was hurt. Kazuo bit his lip.
“Please Ka-chan, tell me… Tell me about everything that’s bothering you. I can help.” He held him tight, whispering into his ear; “We both know… I can help you. Maybe more than anyone…” he was no psychologist, but he didn’t need to be to fix this. All Kazuo needed was him. All he needed was his boyfriend.
“Talk to me Ka-chan….Please, talk to me.”
Kazuo pulled away from his embrace. He parted his lips to speak several times before finally saying; “They….they won’t let me go to the bathroom by myself.”
Kawada couldn’t help but smile. But only for a second, and then it turned to a sad smile again. “You find that weird? Thinking of what I caught you doing?”
“No…” it was still strange to hear Kazuo’s voice again, it helped Kawada realize how little the younger boy had actually said to him over the last days. “But I’ve stopped now.”
“I know, but isn’t that because we won’t let you go anywhere by yourself? Isn’t it true that you’d try it again if we left you alone?”
Kazuo nodded. “I guess… But all I really want is to go home…”
“I know…I just realized that you’re not getting any better… You really want to go home, don’t you?”
Kazuo nodded, looking down at the floor. “But they won’t let me home…”
“I’m going to see what I can do. You’re not getting any better because you’re not thriving here. It’s only giving depth to your depression, causing you to lose sleep and feel miserable. I’m going to pull some strings.”
“Really?” Kazuo’s face lit up.
“I’m gonna try. But it will require some help from your side as well. And it might be hard…”
“What do you want me to do?” Kazuo looked him straight in the eyes, burning with determination for the first time in ages. “I can do anything! Just let me come home!”
By the tone of his voice Kawada felt that Kazuo was in some way feeling like he had abandoned him there. But he’d done it in the best interests. People with Kazuo’s problems didn’t always know what was best for themselves so other people would have to decide for them. But Kazuo wasn’t most people, and this wasn’t helping. Kawada realized now that he’d made a mistake, Kazuo would never trust anyone else enough to talk about his past; it didn’t matter if they were doctors. It just wasn’t an option for him.
He’d gotten a little better, true, but Kawada was sure he could’ve made Kazuo start eating again back home too. Kazuo couldn’t be helped unless he wanted to himself, and when he’d said he wanted help it had been to him, not anyone else. Kazuo didn’t want to talk to strangers. He needed to do things in his own way, as always, because he wasn’t like everyone else. Kawada needed to take him home.
“Ok, I need you to cooperate with the people here, if only a little, so they will believe you’re better. I doubt they’ll let me take you home in the condition you are in now.”
Kazuo’s focused look stayed on Kawada’s face. “What do you want me to do?” he asked again.
“Keep eating and don’t protest. And don’t even try to throw up!”
“I told you! I don’t do that anymore!”
“I just want to be sure.”
“Fine. What else?”
“Try not to be so closed; don’t just sit in your room. If you become more active they’ll see it as an improvement. You don’t have to talk to anyone, just… I dunno… Bring a book and read it in the activity room or something…”
“I… could try…” Kazuo seemed a bit reluctant.
“Good.” Kawada smiled. “And most importantly: Talk during your sessions.”
Kazuo wasn’t thrilled. “Kawada…”
“You have to! You don’t have to tell them anything! You don’t have to mention the program or that you were a sociopath… Just tell them you feel guilty about your father’s suicide because you never felt wanted. Say you were always sent away and then did a bunch of stupid things, which is the reason you feel guilty.”
Kazuo had to admit that it was an easy way out, and also something the psychiatrists would easily believe. It did sound like a good reason for him to become like this.
“Can you do that Kazuo?” Kawada asked.
“I…Think so.”
“Good, do it gradually, make it look natural. I’m sure I’ll have you out by next week.”
“That’s a long time,” Kazuo said. “But I guess you’re right…And I need to take my time getting used to it too…”
“Yeah.” Kawada pulled him close again, placing a warm kiss on his neck. “But I’m getting you out. You just get better, ne?”
“Thanks, Kawada-kun.”
“Kawada?” he smirked. ”What ever happened to ‘Sho-kun’? I liked that.”
Kazuo smiled. “I’m glad. I never managed to call you by your first name… Even though I love you and you call me by mine…I don’t know… but then… I was scared and you were there, coming back to me. I was sick and you were there. I almost died…” his voice broke. “The trust just grew… And… It became natural…”
Kawada hugged him tightly. Again it hit him like lightning; He’d almost lost him! The relief and fear mixed together and washed over him like a wave. A few salty tears rolled down his cheeks, and met with Kazuo’s skin. He too was quietly crying.
“But you didn’t die Kaz…” Kawada whispered. “You’re strong; stronger than you think… I’m taking you back Ka-chan.”
“Thank you.” Kazuo pulled away, gazing into his eyes. “Sho-kun…”
They kissed, a tender careful kiss, their lips meeting and tongues brushing over each other. Kazuo smiled in to the kiss. He was going home!

Kazuo followed his lover’s advice: He ate without complaining, having a bit more at each meal, but never eating all of it. He started leaving his room, sitting somewhere reading or just watching what was going on, which couldn’t be said to be much as he was still in the ward.
Gradually he started telling his story to the therapists. He didn’t tell the whole truth; he altered everything to make it fit with his condition, and so that every therapist got the same story. He didn’t feel comfortable about it, it wasn’t like talking to Kawada, but he pulled through. And somewhere along the way he started feeling better about it.

Kawada watched his progress, spotting that not all of it was fake; Kazuo was forcing himself to feel better. Without being fully aware himself perhaps?
The responses he got from the doctors were mostly positive. Kazuo still only talked to him outside the sessions though. But as long as he was cooperating and didn’t try to harm himself the doctors and Kawada were pleased.

About a week after Kazuo’s new behavior started, one of the nurses came into his room. “Do you want to come downstairs today?” she asked. Kazuo didn’t respond.
“We have decided that you can come out of the ward and go downstairs for a few hours today. If it works out you can do it tomorrow too.”
Kazuo still didn’t respond, but he got up.
“Take your violin with you if you want. There’s a music room there.” Kazuo took the case standing next to his bed, more because he was told than anything else. And while he was downstairs he didn’t touch it once. He simply sat in a chair, reading another book, quietly looking around at the others. He figured these kids were all on meds or soon to be going home. Not that he cared. Kawada would get him out. He smiled behind the pages, not noticing the nurse almost squealing over seeing him smile.

The second floor was so different from the ward: So many noises; laughter, talking, computers and music. The other kids were starting to get used to the quiet boy in sweats with tangled red hair now. They knew he came from the ward upstairs. Never speaking, never getting close to anyone. Always carrying a violin case with him, but never ever touching it.
Today however he looked different, wearing a black, silk suit that was rather expensive-looking. He sat in a couch watching them as usual. It was his fourth day out of the ward. Kawada sure was taking his time getting him out of there.
Music filled the room as someone turned on the cd-player in one of the corners. He listened carefully to the song playing, and learned by listening to two girls in a couch nearby that the song was called “Mirror” and was performed by some guy called Gackt.
Kazuo liked the song, especially the violin music that was played ongoing throughout the song. The song ended, and Kazuo made a decision and opened the violin case.
As the soft tones of the violin flowed through the room everything else went quiet, someone turned off the cd-player. Kazuo was humbly standing by one wall playing “Mirror” perfectly, without any flaws. This was the first time they’d seen him do anything but read, and they were stunned. When he was done it was like they couldn’t help but applaud. Kazuo didn’t react, though he found it amusing that he’d been applauded.
“You must’ve practiced that a lot!” a girl said. Kazuo continued to pack down his violin, shaking his head. Then he headed back to the ward. He had a session.

“I heard you played today?” Kawada said, tracing his fingers over the black case on Kazuo’s bed. “Yeah, I just wanted to see if I could play that song.”
”I heard you did great.”
“When can I go home?”
“I’ll talk to them tomorrow. I think you’re all set now.”
Kazuo nodded. “I just want to be with you again…I don’t like it here.”
“I know you don’t. But I’m getting you out. Just hold on a little longer, ok?”
“Ok…” Kazuo curled up, next to Kawada, his arm around his shoulders, resting his head on his chest. “This is what I miss so much…”
“Yeah, me too…” Kawada touched his lips with his own, squeezing his hand gently as he took it in his own. “But soon….”

The next day they allowed Kazuo out again, the sun was shining, so he was dragged outside by the nurses.
“You need some sun.”
Kazuo growled. He didn’t really want to go outside, but he followed them obediently. The property was surrounded by a tall fence and a brick wall, but it had a big area that the patients could enjoy. Kazuo did not enjoy it. He sat under a tree, reading another book. He felt exposed when he was outside. Across from where he sat there was a basketball court, a group of kids were playing, shouting and yelling pretty loudly. Several of them were kids he recognized from the second floor. Suddenly the ball flew straight over his head, hitting the tree behind him, before rolling over the grass.
“Hey Violin-boy! Over here!”
Kazuo picked up the ball and went over to the crowd.
“Don’t be like that Ryuji! His name is Kiriyama!” a short girl hissed at the boy.
Kazuo handed the ball over to him. “Can I play?”
It was like they froze in shock at the sound of him actually speaking.
“In that suit?” The boy named Ryuji snorted.
“It will be fine. Don’t mind Ryuji, he’s a jerk.” The girl said, smiling.
“I don’t.” Kazuo took her breath away with his icy look. She smiled again. About time someone put Ryuji back in his place. “What team do you want to be on?” she asked.
“We’re playing drugged down’s vs. drug addicts.”
Kazuo shuddered. That would make him a…
“Shut up Ryuji! No, we’re playing west wing vs. east.”
“West.” The redhead said, just as cold.
“Me too! Come on.”

And while Kazuo found himself actually enjoying to play basket ball with the others, Kawada was meeting with the doctors.
“W-What did you say?”
“I want to take Kazuo home with me.”
“But, he’s still undergoing treatment…”
“I know, but you said yourself that he was getting better. And he’s eating again…”
“Kawada, I don’t think…”
“Please! He needs to go home! You don’t know him like I do! You don’t see him like I do… And he’s not going to be able to handle this much longer. He’s not thriving…”
“And he’s not well either…”
An idea came to Kawada’s mind; “Hey! Kazuo is underage!” he smiled. “And I’m considered his guardian, right?”
“Yes…”
“And as his guardian I can decided what’s best for him. And I would like to take him home.”
“You know that we also have a say in this?”
“Yes.” Kawada nodded. “But no one knows him better than I do.”
“Alright, you do have certain rights as his guardian. So we’ll think about it. We’ll have a meeting considering the matter, and you can have our answer tomorrow.”
“Alright. Thank you!”


“Hey Kiriyama!”
“Kazuo.”
“Fine. Kazuo-san.” The girl followed him as they went inside. “Ano…When you played yesterday?”
He looked at the fourteen year old; “Hmm?”
“Is it true you’d never rehearsed that song?”
“I’ve never heard it actually...” He replied.
“What? But that’s impossible!”
“I just wanted to se if I could do it.”
“You’re…”
“Don’t say it,” he smiled at her, an odd smile, like nothing she’d seen before. “Genius, right?”
“Uh…yeah…”
“Later kid.” He went up the stairs to the third floor, practically feeling the nurses’ breath in his neck as he headed for the ward. It was so hard trying to be happy here; he was constantly supervised; all the time. He wanted to be free again. It was sure that even if he was getting better and was acting happier, this place was going to kill him.

When he came in, Kawada was in his room. “Ka-chan.” He purred. “Where have you been?”
“Outside, playing basketball.”
“Really?”
The nurse closed the door and left them alone.
“Yeah… I was forced to go outside at first… but I liked it.” He sat down on the bed.
“I’m glad you’re not as depressed anymore.”
“I am… I’m just hiding it really well.” He leaned on Kawada, forehead against shoulder. “Sho-kun?”
“Yeah?”
“Have you talked to them?”
”Uh-huh… They were going to have a meeting. We’ll know tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow…”Kazuo looked down at his bandaged wrists. “I’m sorry…”
“Why?”
“For what I did….I just felt so guilty…”
“Don’t say you’re sorry. You’ve apologized enough already.”
“But…Being here has given me a lot of time to think. And it hit me; I’m putting you trough Hell…”
“Ka-chan…”
“I felt guilt, and pain. But I should have talked to you about it instead of doing this…It just seemed so simple….And it became such a mess…” he looked at him. “I’m not gonna cut anymore…I’m not gonna force myself to throw up either…”
“Don’t worry. You’ve done well these last weeks. I believed you every time you said you’d stopped.”
“Sorry!” Kazuo’s voice thick with tears, broke, and those tears and sobs that were so loose inside of him were released. “Sho-kun…Sumanai!”
“Ssh…Ka-chan…It’s almost over… I promise.”

After his breakdown Kazuo felt a little better. He trusted those words; it was almost over.
Kawada was going to fix everything. Like he always did.

Salmon was today’s dinner, and Kawada watched Kazuo eat, smiling. Kazuo turned to him, blushing deeply. “You can feed me if you’d like…”
Kawada laughed, remembering the incident in the hospital. “Sure. Say ‘Aah’!” He took the chopsticks from Kazuo and fed him, then took a bite himself.
“Hey! My food!” Kazuo protested.
“See?” Kawada gave him another bite. “Everything will be fine.”


The next day Kawada stopped by before work as usual, but heard nothing from the doctors. So he was very tense all day, waiting for a call from them, a call that never came.

Kazuo had breakfast after Kawada woke him up with his normal morning-visit.
After that he just relaxed until early afternoon. He agreed to go outside again. He’d figured anything was better than going crazy in his room, waiting to hear something from Kawada.
“Kazuo-san!”
He automatically smiled at the sound of the girls’ voice; “Hi!”
“Wanna play some B-ball?” it was Ryuji.
“Sure.”

Kawada came to the institution right after work, and met one of the nurses in the door;
“Where’s Kazuo?”
“Outside. Basketball court.”
“Thanks.”
“Hold on…. The doctors wanted to see you about something.”
He joined her and entered an office. Kazuo’s therapists and the head doctor along with some others sat around an oval table. “Sit down please.”
Kawada did as he was told.
“We have discussed your request, and it has indeed been a difficult decision for us to make. We feel that Kazuo still needs treatment, and should stay here longer.”
Kawada sighed. How was he going to break this to Kazuo?
”However,” the head doctor started. “Kazuo has shown signs of deep depression while being here, simply because he didn’t thrive. And we understand your concern. Also he’s shown rapid improvement, which has helped convince us that he might be ready to leave.”
“Really?!” Kawada’s face broke into a grin.
“Kazuo is very unstable, but that might be because he can’t adjust to being here. Therefore we are willing to give you a chance. You can take him home tomorrow…”
“YES!” an adolescent outburst escaped Kawada’s lips and serious appearance.
“As long as you follow our conditions:”
“Of course.”
“This is only a trial period. Kazuo must keep coming here for sessions, and if he has a relapse either anorectic or suicidal, you must bring him back here. Make sure he relaxes and continue to supervise his eating habits. And when it comes to sharp objects of any kind; keep him away from them.”
“I understand. And I will.”
“Then we grant you the benefit of the doubt.”
“Thank you!” Kawada took them all by the hand. “What made you change your minds?”
“You’re his guardian, so we can’t really do anything you don’t approve of. But still you are not his guardian by law or paper, so if something happens and you don’t report it to us, you will no longer have any rights in the matter. And you will have to fight in court. Understood?”
“Yes Doctor.”
“Good. You will get more information about the trial period tomorrow. I hope we are making the right decision Kawada.”
“You are.” He promised. “Nothing is better for Kazuo than to be able to come home.”


Kazuo was still playing basketball when he heard Kawada’s voice; “KAZUO!”
He turned around only to see Kawada running towards him, smiling widely. “You’re going home!”
“I am?! YES!” Kazuo exclaimed, throwing himself into Kawada’s arms, as he reached him. “You’re coming home tomorrow Ka-chan!” Kawada repeated himself as he caught the smaller boy in his arms, hugging him tightly, kissing him.
Around them the match had stopped. The girl; Namuki, and Ryuji stood perplexed watching, as did the others. “Y-you’re leaving?” Namuki asked.
“Sorry…They say I can go home.”
“Don’t worry.” Kawada interrupted, addressing the two. “He will be coming here all the time.”
“What?!”
“Relax Kaz…Just for sessions. And then you can meet with this bunch again too.”
“I’d like that.” Kazuo smiled.
“So would we. Right Ryuji?”
“Uh…Yeah…”
“So, you wanna start packing?” Kawada asked.
“Yeah…And…” he smiled. “I’m kinda hungry…”
Kawada smiled and kissed him. “Let’s go get you some food first then. See you guys!”
“Bye! Bye Kazuo!”
“Later, Violin-boy!”
“Bye guys! Matane!”


It was night, the room was dark. By the door his bags were packed and ready. Outside the moon was giving a pale light. He stared at the ceiling, couldn’t sleep.
“Tomorrow…”


Kawada came by around noon. “Ready to go, love?”
“You bet!” Kazuo hadn’t looked this well in ages.
Kawada was so glad Kazuo was coming home, and Kazuo didn’t seem any less excited. Still, Kawada was kinda shaky after the errand he’d done this morning.
What had he been thinking? It was insane! Insane, but yet so right.
But maybe…Too much? Ah Hell, if it was he could save it for later.
He knew though that he wouldn’t regret it, but then, why was he so nervous?

Before they left they had to sign a bunch of forms, and go over the same things as the previous day and then some.
“Kazuo, you’ll have no therapy for two days now, and then you’ll have to come here again on Thursday and have daily sessions a few weeks ahead from there…” the nurse turned to Kawada: “Sign here, and here. Thank you… And someone is coming to your house in a few days to see how it’s going.”
“We’re aware.” Kawada said.
“By the way…As Kazuo’s guardian you need to be able to provide him with the necessities he needs. And make sure he has a good life. Now, I’m aware he’s sixteen, but since he’s so unstable he might risk being seen as a minor in some cases for a few more years. Can you take responsibility for that? Do you have a plan for the future?”
“Yeah, I’ve decided to take some evening classes…And then med-school…I wanna be a doctor, and possibly study psychology to help Kazuo out as much as possible.”
“Sounds good. I’m glad you know what you want to do.”
“Me too.” Kawada signed the final form.
“I wish you luck.” She said. “Both of you.” She smiled. “See you Thursday Kazuo.”
“Yes. Bye!”

It felt like such a relief to both of them to leave the gates. Kazuo took a deep breath, as if inhaling his freedom. He felt so relieved, and much better already.
“I guess some times home is the best medicine after all.” Kawada smiled, pulling him close.
“No.” Kazuo smirked. “You are the best medicine.” He leaned over, kissing his neck softly, meeting his lips in a warm, craving kiss.
“Hey lovebirds!”
“Noriyuki” What’re you doing here?”
“Welcome out Kazuo-san! I’m your chauffer!” she laughed.
“You didn’t think I’d bother to bring all of your stuff on the subway?” Kawada threw the bags in the trunk. “Now get in.”

Back in the apartment, Kazuo looked around.
“Wow…It’s so clean when I’m gone!” he gave a mischievous smile. “Guess that means I’d better start messing, eh?”
“I’m just glad you’re back.”
“Me too.” He went into the bathroom, Kawada instinctively following. “Hey – you’ve changed the mirror.”
“I kinda had to…”
“Yeah… I broke the other one…” Kazuo looked away.
“Don’t worry about that…”
“Uhm…Sho-kun? You seem a little weird, are you sure you’re ok?”
“Yeah…Just a lot of things on my mind…”he was getting nervous again. Was he really going to go through with this?
Kazuo threw himself down on the couch. “Sho-kun?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you really man what you said about going to med-school?”
“Yup. I have experience from my father’s practice, and I really want to create a nice life for us…For you…”
Kazuo smiled. “Thank you. But you don’t have to…-“
“Yes I do. I want to. I love you. I want us to be happy.” He smiled. Kazuo…It all came together now. He had been so close to losing him…He never wanted to experience something like that again. He loved Kazuo. He didn’t want to lose him, and he was terrified it would happen again… It was now or never…
“I was so scared…Afraid that I’d lose you forever…I realize now that if you’d died…I’d kill myself. I need you Kazuo, just like you need and love me. And I want to be with you forever…”
“Sho-kun…” Kazuo looked at Kawada. Kawada looked at Kazuo. His heart was racing, he’d never been this nervous. He parted his lips.
Their eyes met again, “Kaw…-Shogo?”
“Marry me.”
“What?!”
“I never want to be that close to losing you again Ka-chan….I want us to be together. Forever.”
“But… I’m underage…And it’s not even allowed in this country…”
“I know… But…I can wait, or we can do it somewhere else… It doesn’t have to be now. You have to get older… But at least give me an answer… Will you? Yes or no?”
Kazuo couldn’t believe this was happening; he just stared at him. And then broke into a wide grin. “Are you crazy?! Of course I’ll marry you!”
“You will?!”
Kazuo answered with a kiss.
“I- I bought a ring…”
Kazuo looked like a question mark. “When? You didn’t have to…-“
“This morning…I want this to be done properly. So….” He felt kinda weird getting down on his knee like this, reaching into his pocket for the ring. He opened the small box: The gold glittering in the light. It had two white streaks going all the way around, and small fragments of diamond melted into the gold.
“Ka-chan? Will you be mine forever? Marry me so to speak?” he took a deep breath before finally saying the whole sentence, how incorrect it might be; “Will you marry me?”
Kazuo smiled, he’d never thought this would happen. To him it didn’t matter, if it wasn’t approved by law, just the two of them making this promise…Was more than he’d ever wanted. “Yes!” he laughed. “Sho-kun..I…Hell yeah!”
They both laughed at this outburst, and then Kawada placed the ring on his finger, his hand trembling slightly as he did it.
Everything would be ok. They had each other. Nothing would ever change that.


That night, after separating their bodies, Kawada held his arm around Kazuo; gently breathing at his neck, placing a soft kiss on his shoulder.
He was back. Everything would be fine.
Kazuo’s warm body was still, his breath rhythmic. He seemed to be asleep. But a single tear, a tear of joy, rolled down his cheek. Likewise, one tear traced Kawada’s cheek against Kazuo’s neck. Two tears; binding them together in joy and sorrow, in their life together. Beautiful, like petals of blossoming sakura.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A.N
Still no BETAing of this either… Soooo sorry about it being so long. It just doesn’t feel right for me to divide it into chapters.
And yeah, I noticed Noriyuki seemed like she was coming on to Kawada, right? So, in the end I gave her a boyfriend… ^__~
Review? Pleeease?? *puppyeyes*