For the Love of Jackass

Chapter 3


The weeks leading up to the show were rather uneventful.
“Fucking alarm clock shut the hell up!” Heather shouted as she pitched it into a wall, but the noise wouldn’t subside. It finally hit her that it wasn’t her alarm clock that was ringing, but the phone. She stepped lazily out of bed, running her eyes. She had to squint to see what was showing on the caller ID, shit… it was the girls’ producer.
“Hello?” her voice sounded cracked and muffled; clearing it she tried again. “Hello? Oh, good morning Angela.”
“Heather, it’s two in the afternoon… anyway, I was looking at the numbers, and even with Bam not being there, we’re still one girl short, I’m trying to keep it even, so maybe you could talk to Gina and Savvy and come up with somebody.” Angela said, sounding very producer-like.
“Hmmm… okay, yeah, I know just who to call and invite, I doubt it will be a problem.”
“Okay, but Heather, please let Savvy and Gina know…”
Heather quickly cut her off by hanging the phone up. The corner of her mouth curled as she began to dial the next number. This was going to an interesting two months…
Karen sat inside the small restaurant, waiting patiently for Heather to arrive, but as the minutes passed, so did her faith in Heather’s presence. Just as Karen got up to leave, she heard the bell above the door jingle, and in walked a bundled up Heather, who mad eye contact with her, but walked past her standing form to the front counter. Karen raised her hand to wave, but quickly dropped it when she realized Heather wasn’t even looking at her anymore.
Grabbing the warm cup of coffee off the counter and handing the money to the cashier, Heather turned and scanned the room before resting in the seat across from Karen.
“Guh, it’s way too early for this,” Heather groaned while putting her signature yellow sun glasses up on her head before pouring numerous amounts of sugar and creamer into the Styrofoam cup.
“But you… didn’t you ask me to come at this time? I’m pretty sure you did, I even wrote down the time, place, day while we were on the phone so I wouldn’t forget.” Karen stammered before breaking off into a break-neck pace while rummaging around in her purse for this alleged piece of paper.
Heather flicked her eyes up without moving her head, “I know what time I asked you to be here, I just didn’t know I was still gonna be stoned from last night.”
Karen’s eyes widened in horror at the casual reference to drug use and Heather smirked so she couldn’t see her, relishing in her shock. She began to chew on her stirring stick, not only for the lack of a smoking section, but to cause a distraction as she built up a faux bright and cheery attitude which would hopefully make this proposal much easier to accomplish.
“So, Karen… how bout you come on a nice long vacation with Gina, Savvy and I? It’ll be around two months long and will be doing a bunch of things in that time, or if you possibly can’t do two months, at least come out for one? Please, we really want you to be there.” Heather told the small girl in front of her while grabbing her hands in a show a friendship and sounding as excited and enthusiastic as she could.
“Maybe I could…” she paused as she blew her nose, “but why are you asking me? I mean, you never really talked to me back in high school, I kinda thought you didn’t like me.”
Heather faked to be taken aback, “Me?! No, it’s not that I didn’t like you, I was just trying not to get close to too many people before I moved, it would have made leaving all the harder, but now that I’m back, I see it all as water under the bridge.” She stopped to let her words sink in and to take a sip of her coffee. “Plus I’m just the messenger really, Gina and Savvy are the ones that REALLY wanted you to be there, they talked to me about it, and… well… I thought it was a good idea. They would be here to ask you also, but they had some errands to run. Please, we really want to catch up with you.” Heather cast a pleading look knowing that it would seal the deal.
Karen was visibly giving in. She rubbed her nose with a tissue as her eyes darted around in their sockets while she thought about it. “I’ll have to talk to my boss, but I think I can.” She smiled genuinely.
“Great! Oh my god it’s gonna be so much fun.”
The two girls exchanged information and gave each other a hug. With their backs turned, a small smirk formed on Heather’s face and she laughed to herself.

Gina was sitting next to the phone, tapping her foot nervously and chewing her lip. Johnny had called the house twice, and Gina was trying to force herself to call him back, but every time she picked up the phone, she instantly dropped the phone back into the cradle. Heather sat quietly in the corner thinking about Steve-O, unknown to the other girls. Savvy finally grabbed Gina by the shoulders and shook her.
“Gina, calm down and just call him!”
“I can’t! I am so nervous!” Gina replied, burying her face in her hands.
Savvy sighed and looked around. She spied a shot glass on the table with whiskey that she had poured for herself moments before. That would be the perfect thing to calm Gina’s nerves.
“Here, drink this,” Savvy said, handing Gina the shot glass.
Gina downed it, not batting an eye. “Thanks, what is it?”
Savvy opened her mouth to answer, but Gina suddenly doubled over, the burning fire of the whiskey hitting her throat.
“What the hell was that?” Gina screeched.
Savvy tried not to laugh. “Just some whiskey. To calm your nerves. Don’t worry about it, you’ll be fine.”
“Savvy!”
“What?”
The doorbell rang at just that moment, causing Gina to go into super stressed cardiac arrest mode. She forgot about the whiskey even though her eyes were watering. The girls were used to Gina’s anxiety and stress levels blowing through the roof. However, even that could not prepare them for what was about to come blasting through the door.
“LADIES, GET READY!” an extremely loud voice blasted through a megaphone at the doorway.
All activity in the house stopped as the girls turned to stare at the source of the voice. None other than Ty Pennington from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was standing in the doorway.
The girls looked at each other, clearly confused.
“What is going on?” Heather mouthed to Savvy who shrugged.
Savvy, ever the inquisitive one, walked up to Ty. She poked his muscled arms, pulled at the side of his wife beater, then looked at his face.
"I've always wondered; Are you gay?"
Ty sighed, motioning for the cameras to stop rolling. "God, why do I always get that?!" he said, flinging his arms into the air and sounding much like a woman having a hissy fit. 
This broke the ice pretty adequately, and the cameras were turned on again. David Brent, the producer of the hybrid show, slipped around Ty and smiled at the girls.
“Ladies, this is your first guest star, Ty Pennington.”
Cameramen were squeezing into the room, some focusing on the girls, the others focused on Ty and David.
“For your first task, before moving into the house completely, will be to decorate and furbish the rooms of the house. I have here a hat with colored tokens inside. You will draw a token and then decorate the corresponding Jackass’ room while they in turn will decorate your room. You will not know who the other person is, you just decorate the room.”
The girls looked at each other, still surprised.
“Just draw a token,” David laughed, holding out the hat.
Gina shrugged and stepped forward to draw a token. She reached in the hat and pulled out a bright red token.
“Aw man, I hate the color red,” Gina laughed.
Heather reached around her and drew a purple token. “Cool.”
Savvy drew blue, Courtney drew green, and Kyle drew out an orange token. There was one token left. David looked down into the hat with a frown.
“Um, Heather… didn’t you contact-”
Heather cut him off with a wave of hand. “Anyway, we were on our way out, and, uh, nice to see you guys, keep in touch!” She ushered all of the show people out of the house, David sputtering and trying to stay. He cried out a quick, “You will each take turns decorating the room you were assigned to! I’ll keep in touch!”
“Thank you, come again!“ Heather closed the door and turned back to everyone.
“What was that about?” Gina asked, her hands on her hips.
“Nothing,” Heather replied, not looking Gina in the face.
“Whatever, something’s up, but… I am not pursuing it,” Gina said, smiling.
Heather nodded. “That’s the safe route.”
Gina just shook her head and laughed.

For the rest of the two months, nothing happened, and contact between the guys and girls was sparse. The show producers were adamant about the rooms remaining secret, so they contacted each person separately and they were only allowed into the room they were decorating, while all the other rooms remained locked. The rooms were finally finished and the guys and girls were making their separate ways to the house for the filmed revealing of the rooms.

“So have you talked to Pontius since that night?” Gina asked Savvy, nudging her elbow, as they rode in the car to the house they would be spending two long months at with the Jackass boys.
“I’ve tried to, and I’ve wanted to call him, I’m just too nervous…” Savvy said.
“Oh thank god, I thought I was the only one. My hands cramp up whenever I try to call Knoxville. He tried calling me a few times, but I was too scared to answer the phone.”
Both girls giggled at each other.
“Have you talked to Heather? I tried calling her, but all I get is the answering machine.” Savvy questioned.
“Really? Me too… I hope she remembers that today was the day.” Gina fidgeted, both from the excitement about seeing Johnny again, and from fear that Heather really might have forgotten.
After many long silent minutes, they turned on the road which the house was located. Gina looked out the window as the car slowed down and she quickly nudged and pulled on Savvy’s sleeve as her excitement came out full force. Looking harder, her jaw dropped
“Savvy, is that… is that, Heather?!” she shouted while pointing towards the roof of the house.
Savvy’s eyes widened as she looked in the direction Gina pointed. “No way… that can’t be.” she said, disbelieving her own words.
Heather was on the house, in a spread eagle-like hand stand, perfectly balanced, a hang on either side of the sloping roof. She was dressed from head to toe in full black, she had even dyed her hair black. The only bit of color on her was her yellow shades.
Just as Gina and Savvy got out of their car to gawk at Heather, the Jackass limo pulled up. Heather righted herself, with her hands on her hips like the king of the mountain. Suddenly she burst out into the dance from Grease.
All of the Jackass boys fell out of the limo laughing their asses off.
“Oh my god… look… it’s… Wednesday… Adams!” Dunn yelled at, pausing between his words to take a breath as he laughed. Heather flipped them off, which caused them to double over even further.
She smiled, secretly loving their laughter and attention. Now to get down… Heather walked over to the edge of the roof, sat down, and grabbed the gutter. She swung off and hung for a second, then she heard a crack as the gutter gave way and she fell flat on her arse. This, in turn, caused the boys to roll even louder with laughter as Gina and Savvy ran over to check on her.
Heather held her hands out so they could help her up. “These two are more gentlemanly than the lot of you!” She yelled.
Everybody then grouped up and began talking excitedly.
“So Heather… what did you do to yourself? You haven’t dressed like that in almost ten years.” Gina said while looking her over.
A devilish grin spread across her lips., “Oh, you’ll see.”
Savvy and Gina looked at each other, dreading the worst.
“Anyway, this place is so much bigger than we got to see while we were decorating the rooms. There’s a pool, hot tub, and open bar in the back, and the back yard is huge!” Heather announced to everybody.
As she was talking, Pontius walked around and stood behind Savvy; placing his hands on her shoulders, he looked down at her and smiled warmly. Savvy turned her head down and blushed deeply, but was pleased nonetheless. Similarly, Knoxville strolled over toward Gina and nudged her with his elbow as she grinned up at him.
“I tried calling you a bunch of times…” Johnny whispered as to not interrupt Heather, with an anxious look in his dark brown eyes that made Gina’s breath catch in her throat.
“I know, I’m sorry… I was just never home. Sorry,” She whispered back, going with the first lie to pop into her brain. She just couldn’t tell Knoxville she was too chicken to call him. She suddenly realized she was pressing closer to Knoxville than she actually needed to. She moved to put a little distance between them and found Knoxville’s arm playfully looped over her shoulders, keeping her close.
“That’s alright. I guess I can find it in my heart to forgive ya,” Knoxville whispered, his nose inches from hers, letting his hand drift off Gina’s shoulders after a quick squeeze. Gina smiled up at him, super relieved.
Heather stopped talking as smaller groups of conversation broke out and she looked at her friends. She smiled softly as their happiness, which was very obvious; it’s been a long time since she’d them smile so much.
Desperately she tried not to look at Steve-O. She had convinced herself that what had happened in the limo that night was only so because of the amount of bourbon he drank. He probably didn’t even know he had said it, she told herself. She so wanted to walk over to him and loop her arm through his. Looking down, a wave of slight sadness washed over her.
Steve-O watched her intently. He saw the soft smile, and the wave of sadness and he hoped that he wasn’t part of the second. He had indeed remembered what he had said in the limo, and he meant it. She looked different now though, in her dark attire and black hair, which suited her; but it was her eyes in which he focused on. He was slightly annoyed by her yellow sun glasses though, as they obscured his sight.
Heather’s face began to feel red hot and she knew someone was staring at her. At the point where it became unbearable, she looked up. It was Steve-O. She blushed even more, “Don’t let your eyes dry out Steve-O…” she sneered, sounding more hostile than intended, but she wasn’t sure how to react to him staring.
As he laughed and went to apologize, two more cars drove up from either side of the street, which drew everyone’s attention out to the road. Heather smiled broadly, knowing who was in one car, but highly confused on who was in the other. She moved to the back of the crowd so she could watch everything unfold.
Savvy and Gina’s jaw dropped. Out of the first car stepped Karen. She squealed a high pitched squeal and ran over to hug Gina and Savvy. They both accepted the hug, half heartedly of course. Karen started her ranting, both girls answered with a bunch of “year’s” and “uh'huh's,” as they eyed each other. Behind them, Heather was laughing hysterically. Slowly, both of them turned their heads towards her.
The Jackass guys eyed her like she had the plague. She stepped over to them and whispered, “We all hate her…I invited her without telling them.” They nodded, still looking at her oddly, not knowing the full extent of it.
Karen raised her hand, “Hi Heath…” she stopped and dropped her hand after seeing how she was dressed.
“And she thinks people who dress in all black have something wrong with them, which, obviously we don’t.” She said, half making fun of herself.
“Oh well she’s really gonna get a kick out of my Satan tattoo.” Steve-O said, rolling up his sleeve to reveal a Jesus fish with the word Satan in it. She smiled slightly at him, and he thrilled inside.
Karen talked with Gina and Savvy more as the other car began to bounce around. Somebody was shouting inside, and the voice sounded oddly familiar. The door opened and a booted foot popped out.
“Lets get this shit show on the road!” Bam shouted as he walked up to the group.
Knoxville laughed hard. “Margera, you showed up!”
“Yeah, will it wouldn’t be the Jackass crew without me, now would it? Lets go, for real, I don’t feel like freezing my ass off out here.”
“Well who’s got the key?” Wee-Man asked looking up at everybody.
“I’ve got one…” Johnny said.
“And I’ve got another.” Gina answered before he could even ask his question. There were two locks on the door, ensuring that everybody was together before they could get in. Gina smiled up at Johnny. She felt his fingers graze against her hand, his fingertips lightly sliding along her palm. In a sudden nervous panic, she slid her hands into her pockets. Why? Why was she running away? Frustrated with herself, she stared at the ground, not looking at Johnny.
Johnny glanced over at Gina and then bit his lip nervously, wondering what on earth he had done wrong. All he had been able to think about for the past two months was this girl. No other person on the planet had had that kind of effect on him. It was taking everything he had not to pull her away from the group and hold her tight and kiss her and--
Everyone had crowded around in a semi-circle around Gina and Knoxville. The silence and the pressure of everyone’s eyes on him jerked Knoxville back to the present. Gina caught Knoxville’s eye and he smiled nervously.
“Ladies first,” he stated, gesturing for Gina to put her key in the lock first.
Gina started to put her key in the lock when the camera crew rolled down the driveway in a large white van. The horn was honking like crazy.
“Don’t go in yet!” a voice could be heard shouting out the window of the van.
David Brent climbed out of the van before it had even stopped and raced over to the group.
“You guys, don’t go in yet. We have to film this…” David gasped, bent over double, catching his breath.
“What? Why? We’ve all been inside, I mean, we all had to come and decorate the rooms…” Courtney pointed out.
“Yes, yes, but the viewers don’t know that. The first episode will show the drawing of the tokens, various montages of each of you coming alone to decorate your room, and then it will also show you all revealing the rooms.”
The group looked around at each other and gradually stepped away from the door.
“Thank you,” David smiled, finally having caught his breath.
“Maybe you should go over rules and stuff more often,” Preston laughed, clapping David on the shoulder.
“This is supposed to be a show with no pretense. We want to catch you all when you least expect it. That brings drama and suspense to the show. The viewers love it when you all don’t know exactly what’s going on,” David looked around at the group, waiting for the cameramen to catch up with him. He spied Karen and Bam.
“Where did you guys come from?” David asked, staring at them as if they came from another planet.
“Well, my name is Karen and I know Gina and Savvy and….and,” Karen had to stop to blow her nose on a well-worn handkerchief. “I was invited by Gina and Savvy,” Gina and Savvy started, with twin looks on their faces that screamed disbelief and confusion, “to come on the show and I thought it would be a lot of fun and I have three great big dogs, so I thought living with them wouldn’t be much different from living in a crowded house with crazy guys and stuff, and-”
David nodded politely and cut Karen off by turning to Bam. “I thought you didn’t want to be in the show.”
Bam smiled. “What kind of a show would this be without me? You really expect people to watch it?”
Everyone stared at Bam incredulously.
“I’m just kidding guys, chill out, damn,” Bam muttered.
There was scattered awkward and nervous laughter. Knoxville cleared his throat and leaned toward David.
“So what do you want us to do when we go in?” he asked.
“Well. You are going to go in and then the host of the show, Trent Barker, who should be arriving shortly, will explain how the token system works for the room revealing. And then, one by one, we will reveal the rooms.”
“Guessing this is where we figure out who decorated each other’s rooms as well.” Heather said more to herself than anybody.
Knoxville nodded. “Sounds easy enough.”
A limo pulled up and a man stepped out of the car, looking like a Backstreet Boy reject. The group cringed, wondering who hired a burned out pop star to host a show where the gnarliest men and women of TV were competing against each other. Trent walked up to the group, extending his hand to Knoxville.
“Hi, I am Trent Barker, the host of the show. And you are?”
There was an explosion of laughter. A man who had never heard of Johnny Knoxville? Come on…
“Where did you find this guy, Jupiter?” Pontius laughed.
Trent didn’t bat an eye.
“Johnny, my name is Johnny Knoxville,” Johnny replied, trying to hold back his laughter.
“Pleasure to meet you.”
Trent went around the entire circle. His posture and poise never wavered even though the energy radiating from the group was one of disdain and disbelief. His face wavered for only a second when he shook Karen’s hand and had to endure the onslaught of girly giggles and laughter. David cut Karen off for the second time and turned to the group at large. Several cameramen were positioned around the group.
“Alright, here we go. We are going to start filming now. Gina, Knoxville, get next to the door with the keys. I just need you to unlock the door and head inside. After going in, take seats in the living room, and Trent will come in and explain what will happen next.”
“Sounds good,” Gina smiled, holding the key tightly in her trembling fingers. She didn’t know where the sudden bout of nervousness was coming from, but she turned it into mental adrenaline and was bouncing up and down in excitement in a matter of moments.
Johnny and Gina looked at each other and slowly turned their keys. It took what seemed several minutes for all the metal in the lock to get in line with the keys. Then finally, the door was unlocked and the door swung open. Gina and Knoxville walked in first. The rest of the group trailed in after them, making their way to the living room. Everybody sat down on the various couches and chairs, waiting to be told everything they’ve already heard again, but on camera.
“The colored doors correspond to the token you drew, so you’ll be going in the one you didn’t decorate and that will be your room for the remainder of the show. Karen, Bam, since the two of you showed up late, you all can decorate your own rooms at a later date,” Trent finished off, smiling to the group.
“Good, I’ll finally get the fucking pirate room I’ve wanted.” Bam shouted in his famous tone.