Hang On To Me

All previous disclaimers apply.

Ayana Danforth knew that something was wrong the moment she heard the door open and close slowly. Her baby never closed the door like that. She could always tell his mood by the way he closed the door. When he was pumped up and energetic from a basketball practice or a pick-up game with friends in someone’s driveway the door was shut quickly and carelessly, almost a slam, but not quite. When he was angry, he would slam it as hard as he could manage, just as her older son and daughters had also done for years. Really it was a miracle that the door hadn’t come clear off its hinges with how many times it had been slammed over the years. Her babies and herself she admitted silently, were a passionate lot who had no qualms with letting everyone around them know how they were feeling. But, Chad had just shut the door so quietly, so calmly, so . . . sadly. Even over the generous amount of noise being made by her other children and the grandbabies as they all gathered in the kitchen of the old house, she could hear the heart-broken, tired way her youngest closed the door. Perhaps it was just a mother thing, to know when your children were going to need you. She was especially tuned to her Chad, as they had been the only ones constantly in the house for so long.

Chad, her little surprise boy. Ayana and Jackson Danforth had not been expecting or planning for another pregnancy when their youngest was already eleven, but they had poured themselves into preparing for the birth with the same enthusiasm and excitement as their first three after Ayana had taken the test one morning after realizing that she was late. They had all been so excited, even Darrick, their oldest, had gotten into the spirit of getting ready for the baby. She remembered with fondness coming home one afternoon to find Darrick and half of the football team in the nursery painting the walls a soft yellow she had merely mentioned in passing that she would have liked to see on the walls if they ever had time to get around to painting. After all, the walls were still a quiet pink from Hazel’s nursery. For some reason, Ayana had always known that she would be having another little boy. Then, tragedy had struck them.

Jackson had been struck by a drunk driver on his way home from work when she was in her eighth month. He had died instantly. Trying to support a family, take care of an infant, and help three very grief stricken teenagers through the death of their father had nearly broken her. Darrick had really stepped up to being the man of the house and she couldn’t say how much she appreciated and loved him. He had gotten two jobs to compliment the two she was holding, made sure that his hours complimented hers so that one or the other of them were always home with the girls and the baby, and was always made sure that they had the same days off so that she wasn’t taking care of the house alone. There had been a hard couple of years, but they had made it. One by one she had sent her babies off to school. Chad was only seven when Hazel had gone. After college Darrick had joined the police force, making detective in a relatively short time for a very young man. They had all been so proud of him. Ayana had been even more proud of him when he had asked if he could move back in for a time so that he could help her with Chad now that Hazel and Carmen were both in school.

Ayana knew it couldn’t have been easy for him, but he had taken his role as man of the house very seriously. She had no pretenses that it put a cramp in her son’s very active, she was sure, love life and that the guys at the precinct probably gave him no end of grief for still living with his mother. But, he had never complained and stayed with them for another seven years until he had met and married his sweet, pretty wife Emily whom Ayana thought of as her third daughter from the moment she met her. Chad was fourteen by then and a very responsible young man so Darrick had no reason to feel guilty about moving out. It didn’t mean that the Danforth family didn’t spend as much time with each other as possible, though. At least one weekend a month found all of her babies home with their own kids, no matter if Carmen and her husband had to drive nearly three hours to get there or Hazel and her fiancé had to get a flight out of L.A. It was a good thing Hazel was a flight attendant while she waited for her big break as a movie producer or Ayana was sure she wouldn’t see her girl nearly as much and that would have broken her heart

“Chad, baby boy, what’s wrong?” She asked automatically when Chad appeared in the doorway, his eyes stance exhausted and his eyes filled with unshed tears. She was too afraid to ask what had happened after he had called her to get permission to leave the school. Everything went quiet as he surveyed them all for a moment.

“What is it, baby brother?” Darrick asked quietly, getting up from his chair.

“Nothing,” Chad said quietly, so low it was almost a whisper, “It’s great to see you all. I’m just going to go up to bed. It’s been a long day.” He slipped out of the room as quietly as he had come, like a ghost.

“Well . . . not buying that for a minute,” Hazel muttered, “You guys?” She fixed a look on her siblings and her mother.

“Not at all,” Carmen stood.

“One of his friends had to go to the hospital today,” Ayana said quietly, making all of her children turn to look at her, “A friend I think might be more than a friend.”




What now? Chad had just wanted to come home and sleep, he was so tired and so raw from the day. He was on his bed laying on his stomach and trying to calm himself down enough so that he didn’t feel like he was going to cry at any second. He had completely forgotten that everyone was supposed to be home this weekend. Then he had walked in and couldn’t help but get upset all over again because he was keeping so much of himself from the people that he loved the most. He’d had to come upstairs so that he wouldn’t break down in front of his family. Though why he had believed that they would just let him be, he would never know. Without even getting up he knew that it was Darrick who had knocked on the door. He was the only person Chad knew who could knock on a door and express emotion through the way he knocked. Right now he was slightly worried and slightly annoyed.

“I’m going to bed,” Chad called, closing his eyes when his voice broke.

“Not without telling us what’s going on,” Carmen was the first in the door, followed by his mother, then Hazel and Darrick. Darrick closed the door behind himself and leaned against it, giving Chad a sympathetic look as he sat up. Darrick knew as well as Chad did that when the Danforth women got an idea in their heads there was nothing that was going to stop them from getting what they wanted. And right now they wanted to know what was wrong with Chad. He knew in the instant that his mother sat on the bed with him and put her arms around him that he wasn’t going to be able to keep control.

“Baby boy, how’s Ryan?” she asked.

Oh, God. The one question he had been hoping that she wouldn’t ask and it was the first thing out of her mouth. Chad put his head on her shoulder and let all of the fear he had felt and hidden all day, even from Ryan, wash over him. He wrapped his arms around his mother’s waist and buried his face in her shirt.

“I was so scared,” he would be ashamed that he had whimpered later, “I saw him go down the stairs and I swear that I couldn’t breathe. Then he was so still and I thought . . . I thought . . . Mama!” The dam finally broke and he felt the hot tears rushing from his eyes. His mother only held him closer and rocked a little, murmuring nonsense in his ear. It didn’t matter what she was saying, she knew, so long as he knew she was there.

They all sat there quietly as the story came in spurt and starts. He told them everything he had been hiding from them, all the feelings he’d had since he was younger and didn’t understand. He told them how he had tried to pretend that he was just like everyone else, just like all of the friends he had grown up with, but how he couldn’t hide it anymore the first time Ryan had accidentally run into him in the locker room and they had fallen to the floor together. Then, it had felt so right when he had stopped pretending. He told them how he and Ryan had been seeing each other for months, but that he couldn’t give him all he knew Ryan deserved in a relationship because he had been too scared what everyone would think, despite the fact that he’d always known. And he was so scared to admit to himself just what it was he felt for Ryan. Then, he had watched him fall this afternoon and had known exactly what it was he felt about Ryan and suddenly it didn’t matter what other people thought. Ryan was going to be fine. He had gotten to hold him and reassure himself, but he had just been so scared.

Carmen and Hazel couldn’t help the tears that came to their eyes, seeing how upset Chad was. Darrick felt the tightening in his throat and felt his heart go out to his little brother. He didn’t know how Chad had kept it in so long. He could only imagine how he’d react if something like what had happened to Ryan happened to Emily. He wanted to be angry that Chad hadn’t trusted them enough to tell them what was going on with him. They were family. Even if Chad had told them he was a murderer, they were still family and they would still love him no matter what. Hadn’t they all said that to each other more than once? That they would love each other no matter what? What made Chad think that something like the fact that he liked boys more than he liked girls, that he was falling in love with another boy, would change that? He wanted to be angry, but how could he be angry when Chad was crying his heart out, begging them not to be angry with him.

“Chad,” Hazel took her little brother’s hand when his sobs had calmed to sniffles, “You should have just told us. We love you, baby brother. No matter what.”

“I know,” Chad said quietly, “It was just so hard when so many things were going through my head. I didn’t know what to do. I was confused and I was scared. I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Carmen sat on the bed and pulled him away from their mother for a minute so that she could hug him, “Anyone would be scared. But, now that we know, honey bear, I have to ask: Are you being safe?”

“Carmen!” Chad pulled away to see his sister grinning at him, “I don’t need to tell my sister anything about my sex life! That’s just wrong!”

“But, you do have to tell your mother,” Ayana made sure her voice was firm, though understanding, “Are you being safe, baby boy?”

“Jesus,” Chad looked to Darrick, mortified. Darrick only shrugged, “Yes, Mama, we’re safe. I promise.”

“Good boy. Well, now. You just look all tuckered out. Come on, girls. Let’s go make sure the men haven’t left the dishes to Emily.” She shared a look with Darrick as he opened the door for them, and then patted his cheek when she saw what she wanted to see in his eyes. Darrick turned back to his brother when they had gone. Chad was sitting on the edge of his bed, looking down at his feet. For a moment he looked so much like the seven year old Darrick had come home from college to help raise that he had to swallow around the lump of emotion in his throat.

“Darrick, I hope . . . I . . . you’re the only dad I’ve ever known. I never wanted to . . . The last thing I ever wanted to do was let you down.”

“Let me down?” Darrick moved to his brother and pulled him to his feet, wrapping his arms around him in a rough hug, “Chad, no matter what, you will never let me down. You’re my brother. I love you. Soon as you’re more comfortable with this I’m totally going to rag on you all the time, but there is nothing you could do, short of maybe becoming a Bears fan, that would make me say you’ve let me down. Now, come on. Mama’s right. You look like shit. You’ve had a tough day. Get in bed.”

“Darrick?” Chad’s voice was small when Darrick was about to shut the door and turn off the light.

“Yeah?”

“Will you come meet him tomorrow? You and Mama and Hazel and Carmen and everyone? I want you to meet him.”

“Sure, baby brother. Now go to sleep. Goodnight.”

“Love you.” Chad’s voice was almost a whisper. He was half asleep already.

“Love you, too, baby brother,” Darrick smiled and shut the door quietly.