Writer: Sabaku No Kel
Fandom: Hellboy
Pairing: Hellboy x John Myers
Title: Blind part 5
Words: 3357
Rating: Overall rating M (This chapter T)
Warning: none
Disclaimer: I don't own Hellboy or it's characters and do not make any money out of writing this.
AN1: Hello lovelies! I finished it! Over 28 pages in word and many weeks of typing at ungodly hours and it's finally done! I will tell you all this if I had known in the beginning that this fic would be this long then I probably would have saved it and uploaded it separately eventually. This works too though, I'm not complaining and I hope neither are you all my amazing readers.
Now this chappie has a bit of angst but I think that is sorta logic considering what happened and all that. I'm not so sure about the ending though because the first time I wrote it it was too depressing for my taste so I went back and changed it but now I don't know if it even really works anymore. Too tired to proof-read though as I've once again stayed up for over 24 hours after 5 days of work to type this baby out for you all (people are leaving for church and the neighbours rooster is crowing so I think you all can guess that means it's early morning in this part of the world) I did it with love though and I have no regrets!
Okay I'm done ranting now, you can go read. Enjoy!
000 Blind pt 5. 000
It was a week after his accident that John was finally allowed out of bed again, Abe advising him to build movement up slowly as his body had adjusted itself to lying in bed all the time. The first time John stepped out of bed again it felt both wonderful and awful at the same time, wonderful to be back on his feet again, doing something other than simply lying around all day, and awful because while his muscles strained under the weight of his slow and easy steps it was a lot harder walking around without being able to see anything.
He had help though, both Hellboy and Abe supported him (mentally and physically in their own right) through the process and by the time the second week rolled around he'd gotten so far that he was able to walk to one end of the room and back on his own, using the wall for support and guidance. He had yet to use the cane though (or even opened the Braille book Abe had given him), always finding excuses not to use it as he still didn't want to accept his blindness as a handicap.
It wasn't long though before Manning, who had somehow heard of his recent recovery, had arranged for a professional to assist him with keeping up with the every day, ordinary things, things he should still be able to do despite the loss of his sight.
John didn't like the meetings with his 'trainer'. She always wanted him to use his cane to walk and feel out his surroundings, she wanted him to learn Braille so that he could still read reports when he returned to work.
She wanted him to come to terms with, and accept, himself for what he was. Someone who had, through an unfortunate incident, been blinded. She kept telling him that he needed to learn, simply ignoring him every time he protested.
She claimed it was normal for him to be unwilling to accept his disability, that it had happened to almost every single one of her past clients, but sooner or later he would have to learn all of this, the sooner he realized that the better. Still, John wasn't willing to listen to her, only using his cane when he really had to and only practicing on his Braille studies when she assigned him some homework.
She told him over and over that the loss of his eyesight was a fact and though it may last his entire life or only a few months he would still need to be able to take care of himself for however long it lasted.
John didn't like thinking about stuff like that though because it just made one thing perfectly clear to him.
His eyesight wasn't getting better.
Back during his first check-up with Abe the amphibian had told him that, if his eyesight were to improve, he would see a gradual improvement but it would take time. Two weeks had passed and anything had yet to change though. John was beginning to lose what little hope he had, every morning when he woke up he prayed that when he attempted to open his eyes he would be greeted by something other than complete darkness, yet every morning it was the same thing, just as pitch black as the day before.
It was depressing, really and it was beginning to show. John didn't laugh as much as he used to, he hardly smiled either, and when one of his friends came to visit or he had to get another check-up he just felt like such a bother. He was a burden on them all and it would just be so much easier for all of them if he just left the Bureau. He couldn't do that though, as selfish as it was of him he just couldn't leave everything he had here behind. Still John was sure that if he wouldn't leave they eventually would, his friends would inevitably realize he was just dragging them down and when the moment came to cut him loose he would not blame them a single bit.
John groaned as he rolled over in the uncomfortable hospital wing bed, shooing away his depressing thoughts before they could get any worse, if that was even possible.
John missed his old life. He missed his job, and his apartment and his bed at the BPRD. He wasn't allowed to sleep any where else though just in case something went wrong.
John hated how everyone was treating him like a porcelain doll. So what if he'd gotten so injured in battle he'd lost his sight, probably forever, he was still a man, one that had been trained as an FBI agent for years, surely he could take care of himself.
He turned over again, changing positions every other second as he tried to get comfortable but it was no use, his body was sick and tired of lying around in bed in the middle of the day. John knew he couldn't return to his work just yet but there had to be other things he could do.
A thought suddenly occurred to him.
There were lots of things to do in his own room, stuff he could still do without his eyesight, and if nothing else he could at least lay down on his own bed instead of this itchy, low quality one. What was the harm in that, really? No one would have to know too, he could simply sneak to his own room and be back before Liz came to share dinner with him.
Giving himself no time to second guess John raised himself up, dressed in simple sweatpants and an old shirt, as he firmly planted his feet on the ground. Instinctively he searched for his cane, his trainer having just about forcefully stomped the reflex into him, but when his fingers grazed over the smooth wood he hesitated. He knew he wasn't supposed to walk around without his cane but it wouldn't be that far a trip really, barely more than a couple of minutes, and it wasn't like any harm could befall him in a building full of trained agents.
John pulled his hand back and got off the bed, feeling along the wall as his socked feet padded across the floor until he reached the door. His hand was on the door handle; now or never.
He pushed and the door opened.
John couldn't see it but he was pretty sure the halls were deserted as there were no sounds. He was well aware that most agents that roamed around here during the day would be in their offices right now, neck-deep in paperwork, and muttering complaints to themselves under their breaths. It was with a strange kind of longing he never thought he would have for paperwork that he thought about his own time there and found himself missing the little things that used to annoy him so much.
If only things had gone differently the day of his accident, then he would be amongst his fellow agents right now not knowing any better than that there was paperwork that needed to be done with more paperwork to follow that paperwork.
Still, those thoughts held a negative side too. What if it hadn't been him but some other poor soul walking around blinded in his place? John wouldn't wish that on anyone. Or even worse; what if it was Hellboy? What if, instead of being blinded, John hadn't been there to stop that crazy Nazi and Hellboy would have been killed? The agent's blood ran cold just thinking about it.
Hellboy.
The demon had been avoiding him lately, didn't touch him like he used to anymore either. It was another one of those things he missed (though really he missed touching Hellboy much more than he missed paperwork) as he'd gotten so used to being intimate or simply being close to his charge that now that Hellboy didn't even come near him anymore it felt almost like a physical ache, a need to reach out and touch the other so great yet unfulfilled every day.
As much as it pained him he knew that one day Hellboy would truly leave him, or rather, John would be forced to leave, though. He could only imagine how much it would hurt knowing he would never be near his charge again, never able to reach out and touch the demon whenever he wished to like he had once been able to anymore. The foreboding possibility made him want to rush to his charge's room, make every second he had with the other count, but he knew he could not. Hellboy hadn't kissed him since the day of his accident so why would he want John to kiss him now? No, if the demon had really wanted him he would have done something, or at least told him, by now.
His thoughts were depressing him again. John decided to focus on where he was going before the need to curl up into a ball and cry overtook him again. He stuck close to the wall, knowing his way around the Bureau by heart, until he was only a few hallways away from his room.
The agent turned a corner and proceeded on in the same manner when a second set of footsteps could suddenly be heard echoing from the opposite end of the corridor. This was where being blind was a disadvantage as John had simply no idea who was in the hall with him, all he knew was that this person was moving towards him and had come from the opposite direction, was more than likely male and had a very heavy thread.
The footsteps suddenly stopped.
"John?" A voice he instantly recognized called out his name. The agent cursed his luck. "What are you doing out here?" Hellboy asked, confusion painting his voice and for obvious reasons too as John wasn't even supposed to be out of bed unaccompanied.
"HB?" John called out as the footsteps picked up again, stopping right in front of him this time. "Why are you here? Your room is on the other side of the building." The agent questioned, not knowing why the demon would even need to be in this part of the building when everything he both wanted and needed was always brought to him.
"It's three p.m." Hellboy said, matter-of-factly as John's mouth formed into a silent 'o'. Three p.m. was snack time for the demon, he would know as it was also his coffee break and they would always share their time, but other than the possibility that his charge was headed for the kitchen to pick up his own snacks there was no reason for the demon to be there. That couldn't be it though because why would Hellboy get his own food when his new nanny could easily do that for him?
"I'm serious, John. Why are you out here all on your own while you should be in bed?" Hellboy asked, taking on the stern voice he always used when intimidating new agents on their first day. Too bad that had never worked on him.
"I'm sick of lying around all day, doing nothing." John admitted honestly. "
Some of us may have perfected the art of lazing about but others would rather make use of the time they have." He added, crossing his arms over his chest as the first spike of anger jumped in his voice. It wasn't the demon that was particularly annoying him or anything, just everything of the past few weeks that had been piled on to him becoming too much for him.
Hellboy sighed. "You still shouldn't be here on your own, what if you got hurt?" The demon asked, once again concerned though this time instead of feeling bad John just got madder. The emotional dam was cracking and, if things continued in this way, this hallway would soon be flooded.
"I'm sick of everybody hovering over me like I'm made out of glass or something." He snapped, fingers tight around his forearms as his nails dug into the bare skin.
"We're only looking out for you, kid. And you know it's only until your eyesight returns to nor-" Hellboy tried to say but John interrupted him; he'd already heard enough.
"Don't." The agent said, holding up a hand. "Just face it, HB, my eyesight isn't going to come back and you know it." John said, forcing his voice to remain steady as he let his hand drop again. It was hard, admitting it out loud, but he'd have to face the facts eventually anyways so by doing it now he was only making it easier for himself in the long run. If only he could get Hellboy to give up on the hopeful speeches.
"Abe said-" The demon attempted once again to speak but John stopped him before he could say more than two words.
"Abe said I would see the difference with time yet it's been two weeks and nothing's changed." John interrupted his charge, reminding the demon of what the amphibian had told him on almost each and every one of his check-ups. John had wanted so badly for those words to be true, to keep a positive outlook despite the odds, but now he just felt foolish for allowing himself to have hope when he knew he would just be shot down in the end.
Hellboy sighed again. "Just give it a bit more time, kid. You can't give up hope just because life is throwing shit at you." The demon said, maintaining his ever hopeful attitude even as John fell into silence. He simply did not understand why Hellboy bothered keeping up this charade while John had told him, many times already, that he'd already accepted his fate. It was almost like the demon wanted him to believe that even in a hopeless situation things could magically turn around, that everything would be okay and back to normal in no time even when all the signs pointed to the direct opposite.
"Why do you keep doing this to me?" John asked, almost whispering before his voice gained strength. "Why make me want to believe you when you know just as well as I do that things aren't going to get better?" John continued, the tone of his voice almost desperate, like he was begging the demon for answers he himself could not fathom.
There was a second of silence and a barely audible shift in movement that ceased just as quickly as it had begun, like Hellboy had wanted to move but thought better of it in the last second. "Kid, listen I know this is difficult and all but you gotta understand I'm only trying to help you."
John frowned. "How is lying to me helping, exactly?" The agent asked, quickly becoming angry. He understood why Hellboy had acted like he did when John was still bedridden and recovering but by now it had become clear to the agent that some things just could not be changed. There was no reason to sweet talk him because of that though as it was only going to harm him more in the end.
Hellboy, picking up on the agent's angered tone, huffed softly. "What can I do to make you believe me when I say that I'm not lying to you?" The demon asked, knowing how stubborn John could be once something had been set in stone in his mind.
John pondered the question for a moment before a thought hit him. "Kiss me?" He said, trying not to sound too nervous or eager at the prospect of feeling the demon's lips on his own after so long. John knew it was selfish of him to ask this of the other but he needed closure, either in the form of a rejection or otherwise it didn't matter as long as he knew where the two of them stood.
A pause and then; "What?" Hellboy asked, sounding genuinely confused.
John tried not to be hurt by that. "You heard me; kiss me and I'll-" John had intended to repeat himself, mentally steeling himself for the rejection he was sure was about to come when instead he was interrupted by a pair of lips crushing against his own. The agent let out a sound of surprise, his entire frame stiffening until he felt two arms wrap around him, one flesh and one stone, to come rest on his hips and he relaxed into the lazy embrace.
Hellboy was kissing him.
John groaned as the thought registered in his mind as he leaned in closer, wanting to be as close to the demon as possible as he enjoyed every last second to its fullest. He was sure Hellboy would pull away soon (the kiss had been granted to him after all) but when the demon didn't pull back, hands on his hips actually pulling him flush against the other instead, John hesitated only a moment before wrapping his arms around Hellboy's shoulder like he used to. The demon, encouraged by his actions, parted his lips and traced the seam of John's own, his tongue quickly being granted entrance to the moist cavern which he thoroughly re-explored.
If anyone were to ask him John would have honestly admitted to not all minding that kiss going on forever. Unfortunately breathing was still very important so it was all too soon that their kiss was broken, John panting heavily from both the lack of oxygen and the intensity of the kiss.
"There." Hellboy said, breathing equally heavy. "That good enough for you?" The demon asked, hands on the agent's hips keeping the other in place.
Needless to say John was quite confused.
"I-I don't understand… I thought you…" He trailed off, unable to put the things he was feeling under proper words while his mind was still clouded from their kiss.
"What, you thought that I didn't want to kiss you anymore?" Hellboy confirmed with him as John nodded.
"Now why would you think that?" Hellboy asked and John was surprised at the confusion he heard in the demon's words, like the thought of kissing a horribly scarred, still recovering blind person was completely normal to the other.
"Because you haven't kissed me since the accident so I thought that you…" John trailed off, sighing. "I thought that you didn't want me any more." He admitted with pain in his heart, fingers clenching on the demon's shoulders like he was afraid that the other would go away now that he knew.
One of the hands on his hips shifted to his scarred cheek, the hand guiding him to look up like he would have done if he'd still been able to see. "I didn't want to push you, I just thought you needed more time to get over things before I jumped your bones." Hellboy explained, thumb gently tracing over his skin as John felt blood rush to his face at the simple gesture.
"And you're not bothered by it, the scars I mean?" He asked, still nervous and unsure despite the breath taking kiss that showed Hellboy did in fact care very little about his partially ruined looks.
"Of course not, you're still perfect in my eyes John and you always will be." Hellboy said, kissing the agent's forehead as John smiled, hugging himself closer to his still-boyfriend.
"Besides if you can live with the fact that your boyfriend is red then it shouldn't be too hard for me to live with something like this right." Hellboy said and John could tell by the tone of his voice that the demon was joking.
It was nice. Normal.
"Damn you Red, we were having a moment and you ruined it." John said, trying to sound serious but failing miserably.
Hellboy hummed thoughtfully. "Sorry, let me make it better." The demon kissed him again, tongue brushing the seam of his lips as John quickly parted them.
They were going to be alright.
000 Blind pt. 5 000
AN2: Yay it's done! I liked writing this and all but I think I'm gonna write some smut for next week, been in a really smutty mood these past few days but that's cause me and Noobwriter are discussing a project of ours which you will be maybe hear about soon enough :) I just hope I can handle that plus the Shorts and work all at once.
Wish me luck!
~~~Read long and prosper,
Sabaku No Kel~~
