More Than Life
3
xmlns:surn:urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"
xmlns="http://www.w3.org/TR/REC-html40">
braid, and not a single hair was out of place.
She was wearing a gold filigree bracelet, a gold crucifix on a gold
chain, and gold studs in her ears. Her
father liked it when she wore gold. She
was sitting at a small table on an open-air patio that overlooked a well-tended
garden. There was a pot of tea on the
table, along with delicate and expensive porcelain cups and saucers, plates of
pastries, and other tea-time paraphernalia.
in all, Tess would have been well pleased with this, but the man across
from her ruined it all. “Hello,
Father.” Her dream self was well aware
that this man had been dead for a year now, but that didn’t seem strange at
all.
your senses yet?”
mean?”
head and steepled his fingers.
“Fine. I will humor you.
to run away from your home? Your
family?”
mistake.”
you been doing with your life? What did
you do after leaving home?” Tess looked
down at her lap, knowing she’d done nothing.
Nothing really worthwhile. “Did
you return to the States and become a great doctor?
and knowledge would be useful? Did you
find a teaching position at a grand university?”
You hung onto the coattails of the cartel, and you listened for news of
what your family was doing. As it should
have been, founfound meaning in your
family.”
were families broken by your presence.
lingering sense of familial bonds.”
Teresa. Tell yourself the truth.”
her. “Somewhere, somewhere inside you,
you were searching for your family, and you were grateful to us for giving you
meaning, even if you hated the meaning left to you after leaving.
time, but you didn’t. Even in your
dreams you return here.” His voice made
shame flower inside her. “What did I
always teach you?”
Some part of her traitorous mind actually believed what he was
saying. “But –”
No excuses. Excuses are for the
weak willed, and you, Teresa, are anything by weak willed.”
between them, motioning for her to take them.
It didn’t matter that he hadn’t had them moments before, because this
was a dream and anything could happen in dreams.
she could sit down and have a civil conversation with a man she hated.
each picture, it seemed to come alive, both before her eyes and inside her
mind. Each scene revolved around Sands –
a man she had every right to despise and should
despise. But didn’t.
like your family than you wish to admit.
Look again.” Tess did, and this
time she saw not only Sands, but the dead family members that his actions
sometimes reminded her of.
himself. “That is why you find yourself
drawn to thn.
of me that you see in him.”
true. “No.
defeated.
you do this, Teresa?”
head. “It doesn’t matter.
still long for family. You see us
represented in him, and you long for what he can do.
life. I represented control, discipline,
purpose, and even a measure of safety to you.
When you lived at home you always
task was. You had a role.
when you were with us, didn’t you?” She
nodded. “You miss that.
on.”
. . . I look after them. . . .”
someone else’s brats is not a purpose, Teresa.
It is a duty. One you share with
someone more capable of dealing with the multitude of choices and minor
emergencies they create. You are not
truly needed bem, em, and you know that.
But Sands, he needed you,
even if he hated that need and hated you for filling it.
with this man, thrown back into a situation with your family, and you
from having just one purpose.
cartel not because you fear them, but because you know you will be tempted to
stay with them. You would hate them
every day of your life, but you would be tempted by the purpose they
represent.” He sighed and leaned back
into his chair. “And yet, as much as I
would rejoice to see you back in the arms of your family, I cannot help feeling
uneasy. This man, Sands, he represents
these things too. It would be easy for
you to find your meaning in him, to devote yourself to him.
are right. He is different, even if the differences are nearly small enough not
to count. He could very well come to see
you and long for what you could represent to him.
would scare him enough to stay away from you. . . .”
Not where you might be caught.
But once you return to
him over to your family.”
hurt. “I can’t.”
The conflicting loyalties between the two – your family and your
would-be lover – will tear you to pieces.
Your mind will continue to fragment until there is nothing left but the
madness, and you trapped, insensible, in its grip.
whispered.
as I say. You will go to
leader. And to prove your loyalty, you
will give him Sands’ head on a platter.”
The dream started to fade before she could deny this.
veins, you will do this, dau
********************************************
completed. Tess opened her eyes to an
empty room, darkened by night. Without a
second thought, she turned back over and went to sleep, the medication’s grip
still tight on her mind.
********************************************
The next time Tess woke up, it was
past
nine. She didn’t know why, she just
didn’t like the number eight. It was one
of those strange quirks that went with the territory of being clinically
mentally unstable.
“Ah, sleeping beauty awakes.”
Tess closed her eyes in defeat.
No matter where she turned, she was forced to confront reality.
That’s fine. You don’t have
to. Just sit back and relax.
My life that’s come calling.
rolled over and closed her eyes.
not talking to him. Let him wonder if
I’m myself yet. Which I’m not.
companion for the next day or so. She
would force herself out of bed – eventually – but she’d be in no condition to
do anything other than that.
sale. They still need to be sorted.
distracted her from her guest for the time being.
San>Sands sat back in his chair as Tess ignored him.
occupied, although it was only a matter of time before Marcos came in . . . and
perhaps the young one. She seemed to be
persistent. He needed to talk to Tess
before then. While Strauss and his
cronies had left soon after yeday’day’s ‘incident,’ he’d been left with a
message saying they expected an answer by tonight.
Sands gone to his hotel room after Tess had fallen asleep last night,
showered, slept a bit, but mostly he’d sat around and considered just what
ramifications Tessa’s clearly-impaired mental state might have on this mission.
First of all there was the fact that Tessa’s state of mind was not
something that could be depended on. He
didn’t like that. The less she was able
to do, the more he was going to have to do to make sure that he – they – were
not caught. Being caught this time would
mean certain death. He was lucky that he
hadn’t been killed straight off the last time.
Getting caught again . . . it wasn’t going to
happen.
He’d smoked. A week ago he was
considering this assignment a godsend – now it was starting to resemble a
time-bomb. One misstep on her part, and
not only was he dead, but so was she.
No. If her ‘family’ was looking
for her this intensely, it was unlikely they’d kill her.
he’d have to do was make sure his own ass was covered.
What were the other possibilities?
Tess had a total mental breakdown and had to be left behind while he got
out. Tess had a partial breakdown –
enough to endanger them both, but not enough to confirm any suspicions.
looked as ny uny unwanted attention was going to be turned his way.
work out. That was a greyer area.
circumstances, not hypotheses. Tess held
herself together and things did work.
What happened after that? He left
her? He carried out his plan to make her
hate him? He didn’t want to think about
that. If anything was going to happen on
that front, it was going to be based more on impulse than plan anyway.
For the most part he thought she’d be able to handle things.
able to cope in a situation she’d been raised in.
willing to go along with that. He’d
managed to get his hands on her medical charts – the only other recorded
breakdown she’d had had been in med school.
That was when she’d been identified as having schizophrenia.
psychologist visits had been keeping her stable.
shrink, saying that she needed to avoid extreme emotional upheaval.
past twenty-four hours.
felt somewhat guilty about that – not enough to regret anything, but enough to
wonder how much his sudden reappearance and the subsequent events of their
night together had had to do with her breakdown.
wasn’t as if he’d known anything about this, but some nagging part of him told
him that he should have. There’d been
enough hints dropped: the fidgeting, the quotes, the constant concerns from her
friends a her her health and their repeated attempts to get her to sleep
enough. Her background. And never once
had he suspected that she might be anything other than what she pretended to
be. He had half a degree in psych – he
should have known something.
Perhaps you should have taken the time to find out.
have said something about this. I
certainly wouldn’t have stuck around with her if I’d know she was insane. . . .
style='mso-spacerun:yes'> Her overblown sense of responsibility.
she’d know exactly what a full disclosure would have done.
meeting Pierce, and he’d still be blind somewhere, bitter and useless.
Sands had frozen at that thought.
Was he actually empathizing wihe whe woman?
Judas Priest.
him in the first place?
He knew that was what was really pissing him off.
handled. Minor disgust at her behavior.
dramatic. But he hadn’t felt any of
those. He’d gone and broken his number
one rule – don’t get involved in the game.
You think he would have learned something
from
involved then, although that involvement had been strictly physical with
perhaps a hint of sentimentality.
Watching Tess as she ignored him, he realized that that record had just
been shot to hell.
What was bugging him? What was
bugging him was the game that was supposed to be laid out neatly on a board had
just become real. The chessboard that
was his job – and occasionally his life – had just been knocked off the
table. He needed to capture the
opponent’s queen, and he found that he . . . that he had more in common with
her than was comfortable. He was
surprised that she hadn’t laughed out loud when he’d
asked if she knew what it was like to have people watching in horror.
there went my objectivity.
If he was honest with himself, he could admit that his objectivity had
been lost long ago. If he was truly mad
at Tess, he should have just shot her in the head, or not bothered to do
anything. Get the job done,
no, his revenge had to be ‘personal.’
Then he’d gone and gotten upset when he realized that a haa had had help
going over the edge. Being injected with
foreign chemicals without giving permission was a sore spot for him now, and he
hadn’t liked seeing that happen to Tess.
He didn’t like realizing that if she hadn’t met him, she wouldn’t be in
this now. No one would know where to
find her.
Sands got up and left the room.
Sitting and watching Tess wasn’t helping him think clearly.
what argument would get her to ‘join the cause.’
that someone else take over the assignment because he’d get himself killed.
********************************************
When Tess turned back over, an
hour or so later, she was alone. as
as
now past eight, so she could get up and move around, but she lacked the
motivation. Why bother?
need her. Sands was lurking somewhere,
ready to accost her. Perhaps his
Perhaps Inge was still around.
The reasons for staying in bed were adding up quickly.
You’re such a wuss.
Fine. Then as long as you’re
going to do. You have two choices: resist
and spend the rest of your days with me for company – because you know that’s
what you were being threatened with – or go along with it.
paused. What’s that poem you’re always
reciting?
poems she was always reciting.
The
one about losers.
lazy mind. Wandering by lone sea breakers,/and sitting by
desolate streams –
Further on.
dream, at pleasure/shall go forth and conquer a crown/And
three with a new song’s measure/can trample an empire down.
moment. But there’ll only be two of us.
Not
the point. If you
cartel, should you try?
dangerous.
Do
you want to live with the ruined lives of thousands on your head?
cartel down. They hurt you – get them
bao:p>o:p>
alone! What can I do by myself?!
cover up her real fear. She didn’t know
what would happen if she went back to the hacienda after all this time.
appearance. Would it feed off that?
You
won’t be alone. Sands will be with you.
voice was grinning evilly.
of the devil.
Tess turned her head to stare at the man standing in her doorwspanspan
style='mso-spacerun:yes'> “Who is it?”
She saw the look on his face, the look that wondered if she was totally
there. “Which family member am I being
asked to betray?”
Sands moved slowly into the room.n stn style='mso-spacerun:yes'>
It’d be good if he didn’t have to argue her around – god,
he still wasn’t sure what to say to her to get her to cooperate.
stupid. He had the feeling that she knew
exactly what was at stake.
Tess saw his hesitation and felt humiliation burn its way through
her. He was scared of her.
“Pity.” He sat down in the chair
next to the bed. “Carlos.
What?
idea what they were talking about.”
“Then who do you think has taken over the cartel?”
Tess relaxed into her pillows.
“Carlos. Carlos took it over.
Ajedrez both died. He was second in
command and in charge of security.
Ajedrez was supposed to take over the cartel eventually, I was supposed
to be her medical slave, and Carlos was going to be her chief of security.
business.” Family, her family, her
problem.
“I thought you said there wasn’t a Carlos.”
still delusional. But he’d seen her eyes
and they were clear and lucid, if dull.
“I said there wasn’t a Carlos Barillo.
But there is a Carlos. Carlos
Velasquez. His father was the brother of
Celia, who was Ajedrez’s mother.”
“So he’s not actually related to you.”
Sands was carefully storing this information away.
“No, not blood. But he is
family. We were all family, even if I
was the scapegoat, the outsider. Family
is stronger than blood, a bond that ties knots tighter than those of
ancestry.” Tessa’s gaze became
unfocused. “He touched me once.
deprivation of human touch had just been another of Barillo’s tactics to
control her. The only time she was
supposed to be touched was when she was being punished.
one cousin to another. They’d both been
punished for that, but she still remembered.
Sands carefully kept his face blank.
Interrogations were a game, just like poker.
win, but he wondered what that last comment had meant.
Ruthlessly, he jerked his mind off a track that may lead to concern for
Tess as a person, and refocused his attention on his primary goal for being
here. “I take it, this means that you’re
going to help.”
Tess shrugged. “We are today in
the most literal sense a lawless society, for our law has ceased to be law and become instead its opposite – mere
force at the disposal of whoever is at the controls.”
a choice, do I? Either I face a living
nightmare in
home in a room with padded walls.” Her
eyes examined his. “What’s it like to
discover that your government is playing by cartel rules to destroy the threat
they’re imitating?” Her eyes darted
away. “I’ll tell you what it feels like
– it blows.”
That stung . . . but she was right.
Even he could see that fear and intimidation were being used to corral
her into doing something she didn’t want to do.
He could see that not only were his bosses using those tactics,
Why not use it? It was
effective. Find the one thing a person
held dear, then use it against them.
of that, up close and personal. It was
an uncomfortable revelation to be confronted with, but a fact that was unlikely
to change any time soon.
choice.”
Clearly, he didn’t understand.
“I’ve always had a choice, Sands.
It’s my own fault I let people who knew my secret live.
to. I could have let you die, but I
helped. I could have killed myself, but
I didn’t. It’s your own fault that
you’re here now, and that you’re helping them.
We all have choices. I try not to
regret mine. Can you say the same?”
him. “Go report back to your handlers.
them tomorrow. Now, go away.”
Sands thought about firing off a retort, but decided against it.
twenty-four hours and it looked like they would be working rather closely in
the months to come. He wasn’t ready for
her to totally despise him quite yet.
“Sleep well, niña.” Over her
blanketed shoulder, she flipped him off.
********************************************
Tess fidgeted in front of her
mirror. If she was going to go downstairs
and face these men, she was going to look as professional as she could.
ear as she examined everything from her make-up to her posture.
cover the dusting of freckles that ran over the bridge of her nose, her hair
was pulled back in a loose bun, she was wearing black
slacks and a black suitcoat over a sapphire blue
shirt. She didn’t bother with jewelry –
she wanted them to see a competent, worldly, woman.
You
won’t fool Sands. He’s already seen the
both just how fragile and just how worldly you are.
Tess ignored her voice. Thoughts
like that were not going to help.
lived it quietly. She adjusted the
way her jacket rested on her shoulders.
had any confidence that they wanted me for my qualifications.
out. All they wanted was her blood –
which was exactly what the cartel wanted.
After a lifetime of being worthless because of ‘diluted’ blood, she was
now a valuable commodity, and she found that she didn’t like it at all.
these people and with Carlos.
The clock on her bedroom mantle chimed.
She was now officially late for her meeting.
She was always late, and she didn’t seem to mind keeping these people
waiting a bit longer. Anything to show
them that she could make their lives uncomfortable just as easily as they could
ruin hers.
You’re primping. Just go
downstairs already.
I’m not primping.
There’s a difference. Just
because I’m going to cooperate doesn’t mean I’m easy.
Sands
would disagree, the voice said slyly.
disagree purely on principle.
Reaching the top of the stairs, she took another deep breath before
going downstairs.
I can do this. Once I remember
that dealing with these people is just like dealing with a cartel, I’ll be
fine. Just like riding a bike – you
never forget how to do it. I can do
this. I have done this. Before
she realized it, she reached the bottom of the stairs.
actually remember walking down the
stairs, but that was something she would deal with later.
pan>pan>Another deep breath got her to the door of the dining room.
house – usually ate in the kitchen, saving the more
impersonal dining room for more important events.
negotiations. With a brief prayer to
whoever may be listening, she took one last calming breath –
sound like you’re doing Lamaze. – and went
into the room.
The first thing she noticed was that Inge and the unknown man were
conspicuously absent. That was perfectly
fine by her. She was in control at the
moment, but she wasn’t sure how long she would have remained that way if she’d
been forced to deal with her old roommate’s presence.
against the woman. Shh, she hushed her voice, watching out of impartial eyes as
Strauss stood, waiting for her to take a seat.
Hypocrites.
watching her out of eyes that had to be just as veiled as hers were.
Strauss had taken the head of the table, and she understood that his
position of head ‘negotiator’ would say he should take that seat, she still
felt her hackles rise. This was her
house, not his.
But
you’re not in control here.
the sting. Tess pushed the pain away
though, taking the seat across from Sands so that they all formed a neat little
triangle. She sat, noticing the tea
service on the table; the delicate china cups, the saucers, the baked
goods. “Have you come to your senses? . . . Family is stronger than blood . .
. kill him.” She immediately poured
herself a cup, relieved when she found green tea filling her cup.
black tea. She drank organic, green,
decaffeinated tea.
“I’m glad to see that you’ve . . . recovered.”
Strauss’ unfortunate choice of words.
“I’m sure you are – a raving lunatic wouldn’t be of much use to
you.” Tess added some honey to her cup
to sweeten her tea. “We are men of
action – lies do not become us.”
“Excuse me?”
Sands snuffed out his cigarette, impatient to be done with this.
get to the point.”
Look
who became Mr.-Know-it-all since he slept with you.
Shut up.
are moving. Explain what you want, Mr.
Strauss.” Tess
crossed her legs under the table and fixed Strauss with the no-nonsense stare
she’d learned in med school. As long as
you looked professional, people would take your word at face value – that’s
what she’d been taught, by life, by school, and by family.
either way, and waited for the man to explain himself.
Strauss knew when he was in control of a conversation and when he
wasn’t, and he was pissed to find out that he was not in control of this one.
The renegade agent and the lunatic woman were.
me thank you for agreeing to –”
“I may be what many people would consider insane, but I’m not
stupid. I’m well aware of what would
have happened should I have declined to ‘help’ you.
explanation of what you want me to do and how you expect me to do it,
Sands was a bit surprised by the vehemence in Tessa’s voice.
from her, she was trying to convince him that he still had a soul despite the
fact that he was going around sans eyes at the time.
hers and how much was an effect of her schizophrenia.
together. Especially under circumstances
like this.
Tess ignored Sands, focusing on the man at the head of the table as he
opened a leather portfolio and started sorting through papers and file
folders. The sooner she was rid of both
men, the better.
“Here’s the intelligence we’ve gathered on Barillo.
“Barillo is dead,” Tess stated flatly.
Strauss gave her a strange look.
“Armando Barillo is dead.
“How many times do I have to tell you this?
no ‘Carlos’ Barillo. There is a Carlos
Barillo’s nephew, but who is of no relation to me other than the fact that it
was decided that we were family.”
“If that’s true, this is the first I’ve heard of it.”
If it’s true? Tessa’s
voice went up in arms over that.
bastard. Who does he think he is?
the information, that’s who.
Strauss. “I’m sorry.
Strauss had caught the look that Tess had sent Sands, but he wasn’t
going to comment on it. He’d pass the
incident along to Director Colton and hope that he’d reprimand Sands for
holding back information, but it wasn’t worth the fight.
information might be incorrect.”
Tess took the file and set it off to the side; she’d have time to look
it over later. “I understand how much
importance you’re setting on alis, is, Mr. Strauss, but I would appreciate it
if you would stop with the details and just tell me what you’re trying to
accomplish. Why did you come to me?
me to dig up, and why do you think I have to go back to the ‘loving arms’ of my
family to get it?”
Sands noticed that Tessa’s fingers were tapping against the table rather
agitatedly. He took over the
conversation as it became clear that Strauss was going to keep giving out
information like a fisherman playing with ‘the big one.’
tactics were doing nothing but annoying her and pissing him off.
‘loving family’ is looking for you. In
fact, they’ve started a rather desperate – if quiet – manhunt for you.”
“Why? Why now?”
“It’s not just now. They’ve been
looking for you since the end of November.
It’s just within the past two or three months that they’ve become
desperate.” Sands lit up a cigarette and
ignored Strauss as the other man fumed at the end of the table.
had picked up their pace. He obviously
made her nervous. “I assume you’re aware
of the off-shore bank accounts held in your name?”
“And you’re also aware that they hold some total that comes very close
to twenty million dollars?”
Tess smirked. “I’m starting to
believe that the ‘I’ in CIA does not
stand for ‘intelligence.’” She paused
and took a sip of tea. “The money in
those accounts is well over ‘twenty million dollars.’
closer to the actual amount – give or take a few hundred thousands pesos.”
shock. “Unless something has happened in
the past week to devastate those accounts.”
Privately, she was thinking, Well,
I suppose that explains why Carlos is looking for me.
Sands narrowed his eyes at her, but otherwise didn’t challenge this
declaration. Apparently there were some
accounts they weren’t aware of.
of her attorney and see if they could get anything from the man.
questions.”
“Yes. I understand that Carlos
needs me alive and well if he’s to get the funds he needs to not only ‘expand
his territory,’ but to keep what territory he’s got.
far.” Alive and well.
accounts, unless she signed them over to Carlos, which she wouldn’t do.
want me?”
Sands smirked. “You mean, other
than the fact that you’ve got a nice rack –”
Tess stood, all pretence of humor gone.
comments like that, I’ll leave right now.
And not only will I leave, but I will willing overdose myself because
I’d rather have madness for company than a chauvinist pig like you.”
could see the leap of temper in her eyes.
He wondered how often they would give her away.
itself, and if it couldn’t get out through
were a probably a good indicator of what was going on inside her head.
“Calm down, chiquita. It was a
joke. People make those in uncomfortable
situations.” Tess glared at him, but she
resumed her seat. She glanced at Strauss
who seemed to have given up any hope of regaining control of the
conversation. When Sands started to talk
again, she turned her attention back to him.
“We need you because we know that you cousin is trying to enlarge the
territory his cartel holds sway over, and that means –”
“That means more drugs. Yes, I
know. I’m not going to be able to talk
him out of that. It seems to me like
you’d want me to stay out of the
cartel’s hold so they can’t get the money they need.”
“We’re not ready to settle for merely stunting their growth.
continue to grow, no matter how slowly.
They need to be completely exterminated.”
Tess shook her head. “We’ll
pretend for the moment that I’m as heartless as some people and that I don’t have a problem with betraying people
who’ve really never done me any wrong.
What makes you think that destroying one cartel will solve any of your
problems? Others will move in.”
“Yes, but there will be so many territory disputes and infighting that
we’ll have a couple years of rest before going in to wipe them out again.”
“Take down the big dog and let the rest fight over the bones, hmm?”
“We’re going to get you inside, hoping that Carlos will at least give
you some of the information about when and how they’re going to increase their
operation, and you’ll report back to me.”
Tess felt her heart stop. “What
did you say?”
Sand will be the one coordinating our efforts in
jumped in. “He has the most experience
dealing with these people out of anyone at the Agency, and he’s the least
likely person to be suspected.”
Yes.
of. Tess bit back the ruthless
comment about drills and missing eyes that her voice was demanding she
make. “How nice.”
getting in over their heads. Why didn’t
she just try to infiltrate the mob? They
would be just as forgiving if they found out that she was double-crossing
them. “We can all be insane together,
because this is what this plan is.”
“Yeah, but we get some pretty cool spy tools.”
Tess juolleolled her eyes.
I’m dead and just haven’t bothered to lie down yet.
Ask
what kind of spy tools.
Tess cradled her head in her hands in defeat.