A past that never is

I slept in his room that night, that was all we did, just sleep. Sometime after I fell asleep I started dreaming one of those dreams that seem so real. I tried pulling my head back away from them, but the sentinel holding my arms just pushed me back against the bars harder, as yet another sentinel stabbed a spike into the back of my head. I could feel the heat spread slowly, at first it wasn’t so bad, it just felt a little warm. But I knew it was not to last, the burning spike driven deep into the socket in the back of my head burned with an intensity that could not be stopped, until they chose to remove it. Nevertheless I still attempted to reach for it and pull it out, but no mater how hard I tried I couldn’t reach it, I shook my head back and forth in an attempt to shake it loose.

“Wake up!” I felt something touching me. In my fear and pain I lashed out with one fist and felt my hand make contact with something. There was a muttered curse, as I crawled away from this new threat, still trying desperately to get the spike out.

“Shifter, it’s just a dream.” The words made no sense to me and I tried to ignore them.

“Just a dream, that’s all. I’m right here, Shifter, I’m not going anywhere.” Eventually I calmed down enough to act at least a little rationally and looked up to see Roland standing next to the bed, with a slightly bruised looking eye. When he saw that I wasn’t having the nightmare anymore, Roland came over and put his arms around me, hugging me tightly, whispering comforting words in my ear. Finally, my head resting on his shoulder, I fell into a fitful sleep and he carried me back to the bed, where he laid me down gently, before climbing in himself and pulling the covers over both of them. In my sleep I moved towards him and curled herself against him, laying my head on his shoulder. It took him a moment to get settled himself, as he didn’t want to disturb me, but he did eventually manage to get comfortable and after a while he to joined me in sleep.

When he woke up the next morning I was already gone. He went to the mess hall to get some breakfast and found me sitting there talking to AK; I glanced up as he came in, but then blushed and looked away again when I saw who it was. AK looked between the two of us a few times and obviously realised something was going on that he wasn’t in on, he stood up.

“Well my shift is done. See you later, Shifter, Captain.” He nodded and left us. Roland got himself a bowl of food and sat down opposite me. I still refused to meet his eyes and was instead, pretending to study a set of diagrams that AK had given me.

“Sleep well?” He wasn’t quite sure what else to say. I nodded once and mumbled something that he didn’t quit catch.

“What did you say?” He asked.

“I said I’m sorry about last night, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” I said. He sighed quietly to himself, then reached across the table and covered my hand with his, intertwining his fingers with mine.

“You have no need to apologise. Everyone has nightmares sometimes.” He said gently. I finally looked at him and shook my head.

“Yes, everyone else does.” I lowered my head then back up to meet his eyes.

“I should have explained this earlier. I don’t get nightmares one night a week, or every few weeks. I have them every single night.” I tucked a dreadlock behind one ear, but it fell into my face again.

“After Morpheus brought me back to Zion Commander Locke decided that what the machines had done to me wasn’t enough. He had his scientists do tests on me; I have nightmares about that to. Unlike the machines however they did know how to use anaesthetics. But what they were doing was the same. It was only after they realised what was happening that Dozer and Tanks family went to the council and asked them to intervene. They did and I was sent to live with Dozer and Cassie, to all intents and purposes they are my parents, my family. But it took both of them a while to realise that when I had one of my nightmares that they shouldn’t touch me, or come anywhere near me until I calmed down a little. If they did I was likely to attack them and I don’t mean just slapping them away or screaming at them.” I paused again and took a deep breath.

“What the machines did to me, what Locke did to me, it all happened over ten years ago and it hasn’t gone away yet and I don’t think it’s going to any time soon. If you want me then you have to accept me as I am, because like I said I’m not going to change, I’ve tried to forget about it, I’ve tried to pretend it didn’t happen. This is me, what I want you to do is think about what it is you’re getting into, before you jump.” I wasn’t sure if what I had said made all that much sense, but he nodded anyway, so I guess it must have.

“I don’t need to think about it, I’ve already made my decision and I’m not going to change my mind.” He ran a hand over his hair, then covered mine with his again.

“Some say that we do some very strange things when we love someone. I don’t know maybe their right, but I think I’ll take it either way.” He said. I stared at him, somewhat surprised. He smiled at my look.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily. I’m afraid that you’re stuck with me.” He said.

“I...uhh...” For the first time in my life I think I was at a loss for words. He laughed, as he leaned across the table to kiss me.

“I know how you feel.” He whispered.

“Captain, Zion control are looking for our access...oh, sorry.” AK stood in the doorway, looking like he didn’t know whether he wanted to come in or go out.

“Thank you, AK.” Roland said. He turned back to me and grinned.

“Nearly home.” He said. Then he headed out the door.

“So what was that about? And how come I didn’t hear anything about it?” AK asked me. I smiled innocently at him.

“Let me think about that...if you were me would you tell AK what was going on in your life?” I asked sweetly. I had worked with him often enough to know that he was the ships gossip, of course on a ship with not that many people gossip about anyone and anything abounds.

“Now that’s not nice. It might be true, but it’s not nice.” He replied. We felt a slight bump as the ship settled quietly to the ground.

“Where you going?” I asked him. When a ship docked the crew usually went their separate ways, some to family, others to the rooms set aside specifically for ship crews and yet others made their way to the few taverns near the docking bay.

“To get some sleep, then who knows...” He grinned as he headed off in the direction of his quarters to.

“Hey, come on. You don’t want to be left alone here, do you?” Roland spoke from behind me. I shook my head at him.

“No, I was just thinking about some stuff.” I said. He raised an eyebrow, as I joined him he put one arm over my shoulders and pulled me to his side.

“Like what?” He questioned.

“Doesn’t really matter.” I mumbled. How we can let a moment in time shape our whole lives, I thought.

“Hey, I have to go speak with Commander Locke about something.” He said. I pretended not to notice the tightening of his jaw, or the way his eyes narrowed when he mentioned Locke, instead I just nodded.

“Ok, if you want I’ll be done in Cass’s place. You know where that is right?” I asked. He shook his head and I gave him directions.

“I’ll be down as soon as I’m finished, okay?” He said. I nodded and we both went our separate ways. I didn’t have to go down that far, before I opened the door and was almost immediately hit by two stampeding kids.

“Shifter! Mom, she’s here!” Strafe yelled. I laughed as I bent to grab him up.

“I missed you to bro.” I said.

“Did you miss me?” Jade asked.

“Always, not quite the same without either of you around.” I smiled down at her and she grinned up at me.

“Hey have you lost another tooth? What did the fairy bring for that?” I asked. She smiled even wider.

“Shifter, it’s good to have you home.” Cass’s voice interrupted us. And I turned to hug her.

“It’s good to be home.” I said. We stepped apart, and I could see her looking closely at me.

“Ok, kids. Dinner will be ready in half an hour, go play until then.” She said. With a great deal of grumbling and sighing, the two left. She pointed towards the table and we sat down.

“So how was your first stint?” She asked.

“It’s good, harder than I expected, but good. And before you have a chance to ask, yes they treat me nicely enough.” I said.

“I wasn’t about to ask that.” She laughed as she said. Then she raised one eyebrow.

“So who is it? AK? Mauser?” She asked. I blushed and looked away from her.

“Who is who?”

“You can’t fool me, I can see it on your face. You have the look of someone who’s in love. So who is he?”

“Uhh...Roland.” I mumbled his name, but couldn’t help smiling as I said it.

“The captain? Isn’t he a little...well old for you?”

“Yes the captain, and since when does age have anything to do with this? Weren’t you the one that told me you don’t choose who you love?” I raised one eyebrow questioningly. She frowned slightly.

“That’s besides the point. Love has nothing to do with it.”

“Come on Cass, what is it you’re really saying?”

“How can you love him? You’ve known him for no more than three months and you think you love him?"

“No, I know I do, and I know you understand what I mean. Let me put it this way, Cass. When I’m around him I feel safe, like nothing can hurt me. When I think of him I can’t help the smile that I can feel on my face, and at the risk of sounding like I’ve gone lovesick in my head, I feel warm inside and it’s a warmth that can’t be driven away by any coldness. How long did it take for you to realise that you loved Dozer?” I smiled when I realised that I had finally gotten through to her.

“You can’t protect me from everything, Cass. Eventually I’m going to have to grow up and make decisions for myself. And this is one decision I know I’m not going to regret.” There was a knock at the door as I finished and Cass went to answer it. When she saw who it was she didn’t look very happy, but she invited him in anyway. Then she looked at me.

“Can you go and get Strafe and Jade for dinner, Shifter?” She asked. Inwardly I groaned, I knew what she wanted me gone for. Nevertheless I nodded as I headed out the door, pausing to lay one hand on Roland’s shoulder as I past.

“What do you want from her?” Cass asked.

“Nothing, except to be a part of her life. As I’m sure she wishes to be a part of mine.” He replied.

“She’s almost ten years younger than you. Are you some kind of cradle snatcher?”

“No, I love her. I want to be with her more than anything.”

“She’s had to put up with enough shit in her life already. You hurt her you’ll have me to deal with and make no mistake I’ll make sure that you regret it.”

“I have no intention of hurting her, or letting her be hurt. Maybe you think that it’s to soon to say this about her, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I hope she feels the same way.”

“She does, and you better not hurt her, Roland. She doesn’t need anymore pain.”

“Yes, I know. She told me all about her past already.” Roland said. The door creaked open again and Shifter came in carrying Jade and Strafe was hanging off her legs.

“So did Roland pass the test?” Shifter asked. Cass and Roland looked at each other, then Cass laughed.

“Yes, he passed. Kids go wash up, dinner’s ready. You two will be staying won’t you?” She asked. Shifter glanced at Roland and then she nodded.

“Sure. You’re cooking is better than mine.” She answered.