The Adventures of Leigh and Leia: The Labyrinth

Disclaimer: The Labyrinth and attending characters do not belong to us. We're just borrowing them for awhile, would that we could in RL. They belong solely to Jim Henson....gotta love those muppets. Any characters that weren't in the movie are probably our creation, so please don't borrow without permission. That said, enjoy the show...er story.

**Author's Note** This fanfic is a joint effort by Gaeliceyes and Yomibitorazo. Barring the fact that I can't seem to list two authors anywhere else, I'm telling you here. It's personally my first attempt at posting a fan fiction story, so feel free to be brutally honest, but keep in mind that it's meant to be a light, amusing parody. Given that fact, there is a serious lack of depth to most of the characters. Enjoy, or as our heroine's will say, "Slante! and Kanpai!"

And now chapter 4: The Games We Play, in which we address several annoyances and the plot thickens...to about the consistency of a weak veggie soup...


.:o_o:.


He hated her…Well he didn’t know her well enough to actually hate her…He intensely disliked her. Yes, that’s better. He settled back to glaring at her back, ineffectually fixing his ravaged hair and clothes.

Leia hummed as she walked along. Words would occasionally escape, drifting back to the kitsune. Words along the lines of “yellow brick road” and “wonderful Wizard of Oz” and “because, because, because, because, because.” Whenever she reached this crescendo, she would pause then continue humming, the words lost. Eventually she had done this so often that he finally couldn’t stand it anymore.

“‘Because’ what!” he burst out.

“Because of the wonderful things he does!” Leia sang. He was sorry he had asked.

Perhaps it was better to ignore her? Hmm…But would ignoring her hold the same satisfaction of her knowing that she was being ignored and then being annoyed? Oh yes, annoying her seemed much more entertaining. And he did so enjoy his entertainment.

Next step: how to annoy her? Even better, what would annoy her so thoroughly that she would do anything to be rid of him?

Singing? No, she wouldn’t be able to hear him over her own caterwauling. Glaring at her had no effect so staring at her wouldn’t be much better. He also had the distinct impression that were he to attack her in the same manner as she had done to him earlier, she would enjoy it. She would enjoy it immensely. No thank you.

But then what?

“Let’s play a game!” she burst into his thoughts.

He was surprised to find that he had been so consumed in thought that, not only had he stopped walking, but also she stood directly in front of him, eyes gazing at him innocently. Too innocently.

“What would you suggest?” he questioned warily.

“‘I spy’ or maybe a word association game?” she offered.

“And the wager?”

“Wager?”

“The bet? As in, what spoils to the victor go.”

She looked at him with pitying eyes. “Not everything is about winning,” she advised him. He twitched.

“Besides, these aren’t win/lose games. They’re passing-time games. If we were to play a win/lose game, we would become so focused on winning that we’d lose sight of our goal.”

“Your goal,” he corrected distractedly. His mind was analyzing her little speech. She sounded remarkably coherent and, dare he say, wise.

“What?”

No, it must have been his imagination. “I said ‘your goal’. This is your adventure, not mine.”

“Then why are you coming with me?”

“I’m not with you. I’m following you,” he asserted.

“Why?” There was that one-word question again.

“Why?” he repeated. “Why?” His voice was rising. “You stole my tool and I want it back. That’s why!” He emphasized his point by stabbing a clawed finger towards her chest. "It's in your pocket," he added, as if she needed a reminder.

“Borrowed.”

“What?” Great, now he was beginning to sound like her.

“I borrowed without permission, but with every intention of giving it back,” she elaborated. She smirked at her own ingenuity. Well, Captain Jack Sparrow’s ingenuity. Mmm…Jack…

The kitsune closed his eyes in frustration. Or maybe it was “out of sight, out of mind.”

Leia peered at him closely. He seemed to be counting. Oh well, she shrugged as she spun about. Her flip-flop was slower on the uptake of that maneuver, however. She stumbled gracelessly forward and vanished down a hole.

Blessed silence, he sighed. She had finally gone quiet. Wait- he sniffed.

His emerald green eyes opened to confirm what his nose told him- she was gone. Dammit! The little wench still had his tool!


.:o_o:.

Sweat beaded at his brow. He studied the board intensely, seeking an answer. He reached out to grab a black knight. His eyes glanced to his opponent.

No, not that one.

He replaced the knight, to favor the white pawn instead. It slid diagonally five spaces, ignoring the other pieces in its path, and promptly found itself- at least, were it animated it would have cognitively realized its location and impending doom- in a cavern of sharp white stalactites and stalagmites. The goblin bit down happily on its prize.
Were he not a king, Jareth would have sighed in frustration at his own stupidity. Chess champion, indeed, he thought.

The reason the little bugger had gained the title was blatantly apparent- it ate its opponent’s pieces until none save the white king remained. Thoroughly irritated, a usual state of affairs for the King when dealing with his subjects, he glared at the happily chomping goblin. Then, with a snap of his elegant fingers, the goblin was gone – poof! – vanished into thin air. At least it looked that way until there came a tinny chittering from the vicinity of the chessboard. There the now miniature goblin was running around screaming among the chess pieces until he ran straight into one of the bishops and fell back on his butt.

Blinking up at the now gigantic (to him anyhow), and very phallic (have you ever really looked at one of them?), stone bishop, it squealed in delight. Quick as quick could be the former Goblin Chess Champion leapt at the piece and began gnawing vigorously at the base.

Unutterably disgusted, and still bored, the Goblin King plucked the hapless goblin from the chess board. It dangled from his fingers, wriggling and squeaking in fear while Jareth contemplated what to do with it. He lounged back in his chair, tapping his crop against his throne. He heaved a gusty sigh, scowling at the many noisy, but ultimately unamusing, creatures littering his throne room. He didn’t even feel like singing, and that truly WAS a pity. Perhaps he could amuse himself by spying on his two drunken guests.

With a twist of his wrist, he produced a spinning crystal globe. The mini-goblin in his other hand became fascinated with the sparlking ball and paused in his squirming. Jareth stared intently at the crystal. It’s cloudy interior cleared to show a pair of sandaled feet walking over dry, cracked ground. The view zoomed out enough to show a frowning female face surrounded by red hair. He didn’t remember her name. He didn’t really care to. He thought it started with an L, but that wasn’t really important.

She was gazing around her in confusion. Still drunk no doubt. Her voice came tinny and plaintively through the crystal. “Bob?” the whining tone grated on his ears, “Bob, where the hell did you go?” Who in all the labyrinth was Bob, he wondered.

Before he could search for the elusive “Bob”, there was a commotion at the door to the throne room and he dismissed the crystal with a wave. A short fox-like creature with wide eyes and three tails stormed in, shouldering the smaller goblins out of his way. He stopped before the King and made a polite bow, but his tails were lashing back and forth in agitation. Jareth blinked slowly, pondering the fact that additions to his labyrinth got stranger with every new person who ran it. This one, however, had potential to be truly entertaining. Just what he needed. With a flick of his wrist the squirming, shrunken goblin went sailing out of the Kings mind as easily as it flew out of his hand and through the open window.

“ You are interupting,” drawled Jareth mildly. The fox-demon shrugged nonchalantly, but his tails whipped faster.

“You’re the King. I have a petition,” he stated petulantly.

“Indeed, and that is…?”

“I lost the girl. The dark one. I need to find her again. She stole my tool.”

“You’re tool…”

The kitsune nodded. “ It is very important that I get it back.”

“ I see. You lost her, and you wish me to find her for you again.”

The kitsune glowered. “ I didn’t lose her. She lost herself when I wasn’t looking. She still has my tool. I want it back.”

Jareth chuckled. “You are very single-minded, little fox.” The kitsune’s shoulders tensed at being called a little fox, but he said nothing. “ And if I help you find her?”

“I’d like my tool back. If you could just get it for me…”

“Ah, ah, ah. YOU allowed her to take it, YOU must get it back.” He waggled one finger in admontition. The kitsune sighed.

“ If I must, I must,” he muttered. The King nodded and smiled easily. The more distractions for the girls, the better, and this creature would have been an excellent distraction even if they had been sober.

With a flick of his wrist the viewing crystal reappeared, but this time the picture was dark and gloomy. “Ah,” he said.

“Ah what?” asked the Kitsune.

“There she is,” said Jareth matter-of-factly.

The Kitsune squinted into the dark crystal for several moments before sighing with impatience. “Where? I don’t see her.” The Goblin King chuckled. He began rolling the crystal from hand to hand.

“If you turn it this way…” the crystal stopped, resting on his fingertips, “ it will show you your desires. There she is.” Leia’s face, streaked with dust, appeared in the dimness of the crystal. The kitsune cocked his head to one side, examining it.

“Where is that?” he asked plaintively.

“An oubliette, one of many in the labyrinth,” Jareth said, with a chuckle, “ and she won’t be going anywhere for a good while. There are no doors.” The kitsune grinned.

“ Perfect. Which one is she in? I’ll go retrieve my tool.”

“No need for haste,” The King said mildly, “As I said, she's not going anywhere. How about a game first,” he waved his hand and the chess board magically reset itself, “ and perhaps a small wager?”

The kitsune glanced at the board, then at the King, and smiled slyly. “ A wager? Now that’s my kind of game.” He sat down across from the King and grinned. “What are the stakes, my liege?”