Bliss

“i can watch but not take part
where i end and where you start
where you, you left me alone
you left me alone.”

X' will mark the place
like parting the waves
like a house falling in the sea.”
-Radiohead, “where i end and you begin”

All Casey wanted to do was leave. Stokely was in a terrible mood, having had the party ruined. “It was supposed to be a fucking surprise,” she was saying to Stan in the kitchen. She motioned Casey’s way, who was still by the back door. “Never mind that those two assholes weren’t invited. I’m gonna have Tim’s head for this,”

Stan’s jaw tightened in seeing Casey just standing there with Zeke, who also hadn’t had the desire to join the rest of the party. “I’ll tell ‘em to leave,” Stan said. He went out to the living room to look for Delilah and Gabe, who had made themselves comfortable in just strolling in. Stokely put her hand on her forehead, walking over to Casey and Zeke.

“Christ,” she muttered, shaking her head. “This is turning out to be one huge fucking mistake,”

“Hey to you too, Stokes,” Zeke said, lighting a cigarette and smirking. Casey was near glaring at him as Stokely smiled wryly.

“Hey back,” she sighed out, putting both hands on her hips.

“What the FUCK, Stan??”

All their faces turned to the doorway leading into the living room. Gabe must have been starting a scene, as others were crowded at the hallway, looking in at whatever was going on.

“Look, you weren’t invited, either of you-“

“Nice then, us being your fucking friends,” Delilah declared loudly.

“Shit,” Stokely growled out.

“Want me to go check it out?” Zeke offered. She rolled her eyes.

“Do whatever you want, Zeke,” she conceded, sounding defeated. Zeke nodded and walked out, putting his cigarette in the ashtray on the kitchen table before leaving. Casey stared at the ground as Stokely stood where Zeke had been. “I’m sorry, Casey. I know… what it’s like.”

Casey crossed his arms and shrugged. They said nothing for a few moments, until the shouting match truly began. “At least ZEKE’S on our side, Stan! What, you leave the team and we aren’t GOOD enough for you anymore??”

“Knock it off, Gabe,”

“Gabe, cool it. Let’s go, let’s take a drive somewhere,”

Wait a minute… Casey stared out past the kitchen, where Zeke could be clearly heard arguing for Gabe. “The hell?” he said in a low voice, a knot forming in his stomach. Hadn’t Zeke just insulted both Delilah AND Gabe minutes ago? Why the hell was he defending them now? Stokely was very still as Casey looked to her. “What the fuck is Zeke’s problem?” he asked, nearly sputtering the words out.

“They’re on the same team now… you know that,”

“So they’re best buds? The HELL!” Casey almost yelled. He shook his head at Stokely’s look of warning. “NO! I’m sorry Stokes, this is way too fucking much.”

“He’s trying to just calm the situation down, Case! I’d much rather Gabe and his ice princess leave in peace, rather than start a brawl.”

Casey was beside himself now. He walked to the fridge and grabbed a soda, shaking his head and muttering under his breath.

“Fine. Let me just get something to drink first,”

The nerve of Gabe, insisting on being ‘served’. Wait.

Before Casey could even turn to leave, Gabe and Delilah were there. Gabe stopped dead, eyes crinkled in confusion. Casey stood shock still, not knowing what to do; especially when Gabe’s frown turned into a sneer.

“Oh. Look who’s here,” he said. Delilah rolled her eyes.

“C’mon Gabe, just grab your drink and let’s go.” She told him. “We’re obviously not wanted.”

He reached into the fridge; taking amused looks Casey’s way. “So, I guess Stan wants to have this wuss around instead of us.” He said to no one in particular. Casey felt his arms tensing; Stokely was soon at his side, glaring at Gabe.

“Take your drink and get the hell out of my house,” she said in a low growl. Delilah, Casey noticed, didn’t have her normal ‘look of bitch’ writ all over her face. She stood with her arms crossed, head turned away from everyone.


******


“Well,” Stokely said, throwing a paper towel in the trash. Crossing her arms she walked over to where Casey and Stan sat. “That was a total bust.”

Stan smiled up at her, putting a hand on her waist. “C’mon, Stokes. It was fun,”

“Yea, real fun,” Stokely said in a defeated tone.

“Hey, I had this,” Stan said, nodding to the bowl of fruit salad. He looked to Casey now, smiling wide. “That made up for all the trouble those two caused. Thanks,”

Casey shrugged, flicking a chip between his fingers. “No problem,”

Stan and Stokely glanced to each other and looked back at Casey. “You a’right?” Stan asked. Casey looked to the both of them, blinking.

“What?”

“You just seem… out of it.”

“Of course I am,” Casey retorted, throwing the chip back in the bowl. He tapped the edge of the table nervously with one hand, resting his head on the other. “I’m just tired of everything. I’ve just gotten over the whole ‘shit, we were almost killed by aliens’ thing, and now it’s just back to the ‘old days’ of running and hiding.”

“What…” Stan started, looking into his lap and twiddling his fingers. “What if you didn’t run, Case?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if you fought back? They wouldn’t be expecting it, after all these years. Even if you’re not as big as them, you’re quick. I’ve seen you. Your reflexes are stunning at times. And for fuck’s sake,” Stan said, pausing to chuckle. “Casey, you took out MaryBeth. What’s Gabe to that?”

“A lot of things, Stan,” Casey said softly, staring at a knot in the wood he traced with his finger. “There are days I wish I hadn’t taken out MaryBeth-“

“Stop.” Stan suddenly interjected, looking to Casey with a serious expression. Casey shook his head, leaning back and sitting straight.

“Why should I? I DO think it, Stan, I do.” Casey told him bitterly. Stan stared at him almost coldly, lips pursing.

“You- and Zeke, you were the only ones not taken by all of that,” Stan started. “And you don’t know what it was like. I do, and I don’t, all at the same time. There were a lot of things MaryBeth hadn’t told you, or anyone. Things that when I think on them…” he said, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I was trapped, Case. Completely trapped. I could still see and hear and feel, but I didn’t have ANY control over it. I felt like a puppet, with someone holding the strings and making me do shit I didn’t want to do. I can remember… talking to Stokes through that window, Casey.”

Casey went very still in hearing this. “You… can?” he said haltingly. Stan nodded slowly.

“I was inside, begging to stop what was going on. Nearly screaming, ‘stop, stop, this isn’t me!’ and the like. I saw Stokes, you, Zeke, all in there, wanting them to either save me or kill me, it didn’t matter.” Stan told him. “Don’t ever wish you hadn’t done what you did, Case. You saved our fucking lives. If Delilah, Gabe, whoever the fuck else can’t see that for what it’s worth, they’re total shit.”

Casey nodded, but didn’t know if he truly believed it all. He knew Stan told him the truth, but to this day, Casey still wondered how awful it would have been for him. It was selfish, but he craved a world where no one saw him as anything but Casey Connor, a boy that deserved the simple comforts of trust, love and friendship.


******


“Wonder who the sub is gonna be today,”

Casey settled in at his desk, overhearing the discussion next to him. Since Professor Furlong had been ‘dismissed’, they’d been through at least three substitute teachers, all of them not staying for more than a week at a time. Their last sub was supposed to have stayed on until that past Friday, but on Thursday suddenly quit. Casey preferred the silence and droning of lessons compared to a sudden study hall, where everyone just became unruly and generally annoying. He sat at his desk and opened his book to the last chapter they’d worked on, hoping for just a normal day of chemistry class. The bell rang, and no teacher yet. Gabe was whispering to a few of his friends in the front, looking to the door with a hopeful look.

“Maybe we’ll have another study,” one of the guys next to him hissed. Gabe smiled and leaned back in his seat, putting his hands behind his head. Casey groaned quietly to himself, starting to doodle along his notebook cover. Just then a couple voices were in the hallway, coming closer.

“Thank you for coming on such short notice, Mr. Holden,”

That was Principal Drake, speaking in a hurried voice to someone else.

“It’s no problem, Valerie. I owe you, remember?”

Casey’s ears burned; that voice was so familiar. He stared at the opened door to the classroom as Principal Drake and this Mr. Holden came in. Casey’s eyes widened.

“Hello, class,” Principal Drake greeted them as their substitute went to the desk in the front. “We have a new substitute teacher for the next two weeks, Professor Will Holden,”

The rest of what she was saying went unheard as Casey’s entire body clenched, each muscle tensing and twisting painfully. That past Friday night, on his knees next to a car… next to Will- THIS very Will, Will Holden, flashed into his mind in waves of panic. Will looked out over the class now, reading each face. His eyes rested on Casey; Casey saw him make a swallow deep in his throat. Principal Drake clapped her hands together, making Casey jump in his seat. “I’ll leave you to it, Will. Good luck,” she said.

“Thank you, Miss Drake,” he said, crossing his arms and looking out over the class. Principal Drake left, closing the door behind her. Will went to the blackboard and began writing out a few things having to do with chapter twenty-two. Casey felt like he’d gone deaf and dumb as he spoke to the class now. “So class, from what I know you all left off on experiments with cellulose and starches…”

Usually Casey was pretty involved in the discussions going on in class. Before everything had come along with the attacks, Professor Furlong had picked Casey for many demonstrations, giving him credit where credit was due. He would try constantly with Zeke as well, knowing just as everyone did how brilliant he was in science. Now however, Casey had sunk himself low in his seat as Will wrote out the lesson on how cotton, woods and other items reacted with nitric acid, something Casey had already read up on. He figured it was safe to try and melt in his seat, ignoring the lesson. He simply couldn’t focus on whatever Will was saying to them all, and luckily the rest of the class offered what they could.

Casey turned his head away from the front of the room, seeing Zeke fiddling with a piece of paper at his desk. He let himself become entranced by it, staring as Zeke made the paper into some sort of origami; anything, anything to distract himself from their new substitute.

“Are we gonna do this experiment?” Gabe asked, looking eager. Will laughed, shaking his head.

“We might. Depends on whether I can get the proper cotton for this. We need gun cotton, not just any sort of cotton from a store,” Will explained. “It’s dangerous, but interesting to do,”

The class buzzed about doing a risky experiment; Furlong had always done tame ones, never involving fire. Will seemed very daring… but, well- Casey knew that already.

This class session seemed to take so long, but the bell rang as it always did at 11:20, letting everyone get up and ready themselves for lunch. “Remember, read up on the chapter tonight; we’ll talk about whether we’re going to be able to perform this experiment or not tomorrow,” Will told everyone as they were heading out the door. Casey swallowed, casting his eyes downwards as he made his way through the aisles, not wanting to go too close to the front where Will stood.

“Casey?”

He stopped dead just a few feet from the door in hearing Will speak. He turned, still having his eyes plastered on the floor. Saying nothing he waited for Will to say what he wanted to say.

Will moved to the front of his desk, leaning onto it and crossing his arms. “I know that- well, this must be awkward-“

“What’re you doing here.” Casey said blankly, putting it forth as statement rather than question. Will sighed deeply, rubbing his chin with one hand.

“Valerie is a good friend of mine. She’d called me this morning, seeing as the substitute that was supposed to be filling in the next two weeks couldn’t make it,” Will said quietly. “I’d been a sub years ago, but took on another job in the next town over to fill in for a teacher going through surgery. After that… well, I kind of just disappeared,”

Casey silently wondered to himself about whatever circumstances surrounded Will; with everything that had gone on that Friday- he shuddered to think- had he done something with other students?

“Casey?”

Casey now looked up at him, struggling to keep his eyes straight through the shock that had filled him the last forty-five minutes. “What?”

“I’m… sorry about all this,” Will said softly. He looked towards the opened doorway, coughing into his hand nervously. “You haven’t said… anything to anyone, have you?”

Oh, so THIS was what he cared about. Casey bit his lip, shaking his head. “No.”

“Okay… good. I know it’s awkward… right now. Please don’t- say anything, to anyone. Please,”

All Casey wanted to do was leave, so he did. He turned his back on Will and walked straight over to the boy’s room, his whole body sweating profusely. He ran into a stall and shut the door, putting his back to it. He closed his eyes; he’d never felt so sick in his life.
He spent the whole of lunch period there after retching violently, not wanting to leave.