Subsequential

Work was taking a lot of Carra’s time. Of course, she was pulling extra hours just to stay away from home. If it was light out when she finished her day she went to visit Leon.

Once she saw a car that looked familiar, but it was taking off just as she was pulling in to the little lane. Nothing had changed at his grave, and surely there were other people that drove street rods that visited graves in this cemetery.

It was one night she hadn’t been looking that she encountered someone. It was late on a Thursday, almost sunset, but she hadn’t been to see him since Tuesday and wanted to. There were no other cars in the lane, quiet and alone, just the way she liked it.

But as she began up the hill a familiar silhouette stood outlined against the glowing sky. Carra almost turned back, but she knew he’d already seen her and wasn’t going to play the coward.

Pressed pants, decent shoes, ever present tank, a single gold chain around his neck. Dominic could clean up respectable when he wanted to.

She had a flower. A vendor had been selling them on the walk outside her office and she’d bought one. A single white rose. She stooped to set it behind the picture that sat before his stone.

“How ya doin?”

Carra smiled, “Just dandy. How’s that guilt sitting?”

She expected anger, denial, even ridicule. None of that was coming. He remained silent, head down, hands shoved deep in his pockets. “Not so good.”

Carra almost laughed, almost. If she was capable of hate she might, but she wasn’t. Yeah, he’d screwed some stuff up, some really serious stuff, but no one ever knew the consequences of their actions. He couldn’t have known that a single race, just like any one of hundreds before would be Leon’s last.

“I don’t know if here’s the best place to do your soul searching. Might want to start alone somewhere.”

He looked at her finally. “I was alone.”

She gave him a considering nod. “You feel alone here?”

His head dropped again and he shook it finally. His voice was low, but she heard him say, “No.”

“Course if you wanted to pour yourself out to someone Leon always was the best bet.” She smiled, “And now he can’t tell ya how full of shit you are.”

He huffed his consent to that. “Why you come here?”

She smiled, “I don’t sleep well if I don’t. He used to be right beside me, but now just making some sort of contact helps.”

He nodded, that bottom lip getting gnawed on and she thought she might have seen the shine of tears in his eyes. “I came here for him, but the asshole isn’t bein’ too damn talkative.” Now he did lift a hand to wipe away a tear.

Carra sighed, “Dom, this isn’t right. I’m not the person to be—“ His hand gripped her arm, hard. “Hey!”

“What did he say? Did he hate me? Did he blame me in the end?”

“Let go!”

He did, but it was reluctant.

She wanted to kick herself in the ass. For a second there she’d been sorry. He was a simple person, egotistic and selfish, but simple. And she’d fallen into it. Poor Dom.

“You know what? I’m sorry you’re sad or whatever.” She took a few steps away from him. “I’m sorry you’re just now feeling like maybe you did something wrong. What took so long, Dominic?” She was working up to yelling now. “Leon loved you. He fucking loved you! Ripped his heart out when that whole fucking team turned their backs on him. Then you drag his ass back in. One last race, or whatever shit you promised him. But it don’t go nice all the time, does it?”

He was just standing there staring at her, no real reaction.

“That sorry team of yours couldn’t drag their asses to see him in the hospital. Emergency surgery! He could’ve died that first night. But we have to cover our tracks and hide out. Don’t want to get in trouble,” she mocked. “And do you have any idea how sick he was at the end. He asked for you. Couple times. Not sure if he knew he was even doin’ it. And you know what? I refused to call you.”

She was crying, angry tears that she dashed away with a quick swipe. “I don’t know what that letter said. I hope it was full of cursing and blame. I hope he ripped your heart out, cuz you ripped out his.”

“It was about you,” he said softly.

It was like a slap. “Me?” She wiped at her eyes, considering. “So? So what if it was? Leon thought a hell of a lot more of you than you deserve. He was a noble man, but his sentiments are wasted on you. I don’t want shit from you. Nothing.”

He nodded slowly, not saying anything.

Carra nodded, frowning. Too much stress. She’d meant to come here and see Leon to unwind, not the opposite. Now it was full dark and she was tied in knots.

She had nothing left to say, and knew she’d already said too much. What had prompted her to yell at him? Over Leon’s grave, no less. She turned and moved down the hill toward her car, feeling almost sick.

“Carra.”

She sighed, not wanting this conversation to continue. “What?”

“Can I get a ride?”

She frowned and looked back. “You don’t have a car?” She couldn’t have sounded more aggravated.

“I walked most of the way.”

Her brow rose, but she remembered she hadn’t seen another car when she’d pulled in. “You walked halfway across the city.”

He was coming down the hill now.

“What were you going to do if no one came along?”

“Start walkin’.”

Carra sighed again. What was this? She just chewed him out and now she was supposed to be civil? “I think you should stick with your original plan.”

He stopped at her car and looked back at her. “You refusing me a ride?” When she didn’t immediately answer he went one step further. “Leave me in a cemetery at night?”

Her lip curled in disgust. “You afraid of ghosts, Dom?”

That little smile left his mouth and she was pleased about that at least. She moved around her car. “Get in then. But I’m not liking this.”

He climbed in and she stood for a minute longer, looking up in the direction of Leon’s grave. She couldn’t pick it out in the dark though. “Grant me the serenity,” she whispered.

The ride was silent for the most part. She got to the interstate where it was obvious which direction she was going.

“I don’t want to go home.”

“Then get out!” she yelled. A hand to her forehead and her foot easing off the gas. She rubbed at her temples and let the car nearly coast down the next off ramp.

“I’m sorry, Dom, but you’re not my responsibility. If your self-centered little world is crashing in on you I’m liable to throw a brick.”

He was smiling, “You think I’m self-centered?”

She scowled, “Duh. Selfish, egotistical, self-centered, narcissistic, arrogant, selfish.”

“Nice vocabulary, but you said selfish twice.”

“Not by accident.” She turned the corner and headed back in the opposite direction.

She drove in silence for a few minutes. Her enjoyment of not having to talk to him was outweighed by the aggravation of knowing that he was going to speak again eventually.

“Where you going to boot me?”

A deep breath, hold, release slowly. Repeat. “I’m not going to boot you. But do you have any idea how much I don’t like you?”

“Got an idea.”

She glanced toward him, “I don't think you really do. Just be glad I’m not the killing sort.”

He smirked a little, obviously not believing her.

Silence for a long time again. And no easy silence. She felt like they were both holding their breath.

Finally she couldn't take it any more, “What do you want from me?”

“Nothing.” His tone was low, and he didn’t look at her.

A second to nod at her own decision. “I’m serious. What was it you asked back at the cemetery? If Leon had asked about you?”

He didn’t answer, finding his hands crossed in his lap intensely interesting. Not getting a response, so she thought back on it. “No, you asked me if he hated you. If he blamed you at the end?”

Still no reply.

“No, he never blamed you. That was me.”

He looked up at her finally.

“Leon loved you. Probably more than he even loved me.” She sighed here, hating admitting the truth that she’d always felt. “He wanted your approval. Even with me.”

“Approval?” He was shaking his head. “Leon always did his own thing.”

She smiled, “Yeah, and he always brought it to you to show you. Wanted your reaction, your opinion, your approval.” She chewed her lip, taking small looks at him sitting beside her. “That’s why he brought me there that night. He didn’t admit it, but it was obvious. He wanted you to say I was good enough, but not so good that you’d take the prize for yourself.”

He huffed out a laugh. “Good enough for him?” He was shaking his head. “He wasn’t good enough for you.” That had her attention, but he went on. “I saw you the second he brought you in. Stood out like a hundred in the fives. You didn’t belong there, didn’t belong with him. Thought you was slummin’ it with one of my greaser mechanics.”

“Slumming it? Leon was beautiful.”

He cut her off, “You changed him. I was hopin’ to stop it before he got hurt. Couldn’t imagine you were in it for real. String him along and then dump him.”

Carra was crying. She slowly pulled over when it was safe and parked along the busy street. “Are you being mean because I yelled at you at the cemetery?” she asked softly.

He pulled the emergency brake when she forgot it. “No. I’m not tryin’ to be mean.”

She wiped at her eyes and tried to relax. Fucking crying all the time.

“Just telling you the truth. I never thought you two would last this long. Never thought you were for real.”

“But you don’t know me,” she argued.

That uneasy silence again. Carra was practically grinding her teeth in frustration.

“How did this get turned around on me? I loved Leon. I still do. I did everything I could for him. And now you’re trying to make me feel bad?”

“Not trying to make you feel nothin’.” He sighed, “I thought running you off would be enough. Never thought he might go with you.”

“So when it didn’t go according to plan you just tried to force it? Didn’t you see what you were doing to him?”

“You were doing that.”

She snorted her laughter. “I was trying to keep him safe. Make him responsible. Where did I miss that that was wrong?”

Now he had nothing to say.

“Will knowing that he never blamed you keep you from blaming yourself?” she asked softly.

“No.”

She took one of those hands of his that he found so fascinating. He let her. Fingers spread out, palm up, she held his wrist and felt over his palm and fingers. Rough hands, like Leon’s had been. “You weren’t responsible, Dom. He got in that car. He knew the risks. Asking him to be there that night doesn’t make it your fault.”

“You said it did.”

Her whole hand covered his, just resting. “I was wrong. I was hurting. You were an easy scapegoat. Wouldn’t even defend yourself. Wasn’t the damn accident that killed him anyway.”

Now she had his attention.

She smiled sadly, gripping his hand. “He got an infection after the first surgery. It went right through him. Had to cut him up to get it all out. The dialysis was hard on him.” She wiped at her eyes with her free hand. “He was just so used to being strong and healthy, you know? I think he just couldn’t imagine living like that, being that sick for always.”

“You’re saying he let himself die?”

She saw the tears form at just the idea. “I think he wanted to die.”

His arm came up and she let him pull her closer. Sitting in a running car on a busy street hugging what was supposed to be her bitter enemy.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m sorry I let you think it was your fault. No one should have to feel that. I was just so damn angry, at him, at you, at fate, whatever. I just didn’t want to let him go.”

He sniffed roughly, his face protectively buried in her shoulder and hair.