Secret Boxes

Jack was sitting in his truck. It was dark now and he’d had to turn the engine on so he could put the heater on. He put the radio on for something to listen to. The song that played caused the tears to escape again. He made no move to wipe them away and did nothing to try and stop them. He just let them fall. It felt like his soul was dying and his heart was breaking. How he longed for the life the singer was singing about. He longed for it with everything inside him. With every fibre of his being he craved it. But, he knew, he would never have it with Ennis. And if he couldn’t have it with Ennis, he didn’t want it at all.

Ennis was driving back to his house alone when a song came on the radio that caused the tears to fall and he did nothing to try and stop them or wipe them away, He just let them fall. It felt like he was dying inside, that all the life was draining from him. How he wished his life could be like this song, how he wished it could be that easy. He wished with everything inside him. But he knew, wishing for it didn’t make it happen. He actually had to go and get it and by god, he was going to damn well try to.

The song played on and both men listened, wishing and longing, praying and desiring everything the song sang to them. They felt the words deep inside them, resonating through their hearts and souls.

Go to sleep may your sweet dreams come true
Just lay back in my arms for one more night
‘cause this crazy old notion that calls me sometimes
Saying this one’s the love of your life
‘cause I know, a love that will never grow old
And I know, a love that will never grow old

When you wake up the world may have changed
But trust in me, I’ll never falter or fail
Just the smile in your eyes it can light up the night
And your laughter’s like wind in my sails
‘cause I know, a love that will never grow old
And I know, a love that will never grow old

Lean on me, let our hearts beat in time
Feel strength from the hands that have held you so long
Who cares where we go on this rugged old road
In a world that may say that we’re wrong?
‘cause I know, a love that will never grow old
And I know, a love that will never grow old

Both men listened to their song, their hearts aching for the person they loved more than anything in the world. Each other

*******

When Ennis pulled into his driveway he was a little surprised to see Jack’s truck sitting there. He was also extremely worried about it, worried what Jack was going to say or do to him. He hoped he could calm him down long enough to talk to him, to explain, to apologise, to tell him the truth of it all.

He parked up next to Jack and was concerned when he saw no movement from the figure that was slumped against the window. He got out slowly and quietly, mindful that he didn’t startle the obviously sleeping Jack.

As he walked over he looked into the window. The internal light was on as the passenger door was open slightly. He wasn’t sure why that was. He could see in the dim light that Jack was asleep holding a half empty bottle of whiskey and more alarmingly he was also holding a gun.

Oh fuck…he wants to fuckin’ kill me…shit…no whut ya thinkin’ del Mar, he don’t wanna kill ya, Jack ain’t like that. Must have it fer protection, like that rifle I got back inside. That’s all. Now…gotta get him inside, cain’t be too comfortable in there.

Slowly he went to open the door, only to find that as Jack was leaning on it with all his weight so would slip out of the truck if he opened it. Ennis decided to try and get him out through the passenger door instead. As he opened it the door creaked. Ennis cussed to himself. It seemed no matter what he did, he was going to wake Jack up. Better to open him with a creaking door than falling on his head out of the door.

Ennis pulled the rusty door open and it creaked loudly, startling Jack who woke suddenly, pointing the gun at Ennis in his panic. Ennis nearly jumped out of his skin at seeing the barrel staring him in the face

“Fuck Jack…it’s jist me!” he yelled.

“Shit Ennis…ya scared the piss outta me” Jack said, lowering the gun, trying to calm his racing heart.

“I scared the piss outta you?! You ain’t the one who nearly got fuckin’ shot!”

“I didn’t fuckin’ shoot at ya! Quit ya fuckin’ bitchin’.” Jack snapped.

“But ya coulda!”

“Well, I didn’t so, whut ya moanin’ ‘bout?”

“That ain’t the point”

“Whut is yer fuckin’ point Ennis, ‘cause right now, I cain’t fuckin’ see it!”

“The point is ya jist pointed a fuckin’ gun at me!”

“Only ‘cause ya freaked me out wakin’ me like that”

“How else was I supposed to wake ya?”

“Oh I don’t know…how ‘bout knocking on the window? Shaking me? Calling my name? Why d’ya hafta wake me like that?”

“I couldn’t get in the truck any other way. If I’d opened the drivers door you woulda fallen on your head outta it.”

“Why did ya wanna get in here?”

“So I could get you out and inside the house. It’s fuckin’ freezin’ out here Jack and I didn’t want ya to freeze to death on my driveway.”

“Oh, would ya prefer me to freeze to death on the road instead?”

“That ain’t what I meant Jack and you know it. Now get yer drunk ass in the house”

“I ain’t drunk Ennis.”

“Yeh right”

“I ain’t.”

“Yeh? Well then, if ya ain’t drunk ya can walk to the house without any help then”

As Ennis said this he shut the door hard and strode off to the porch of his house, opened the front door, turned on the outside light and just stood and watched from the front door. He leaned on the door frame, arms folded across his chest.

Jack was furious. Not only did Ennis turn him down today, he had then proceeded to scare the shit outta him, accuse him of nearly shooting him and then accused him of being drunk. With that thought he got out of the truck and started to walk purposefully towards Ennis, determined to show him he wasn’t drunk.

He managed to get to the house without incident, though he did stagger a little. He gave Ennis a ‘I told ya so’ look and Ennis jist smirked a little then moved aside and gestured Jack to go in. Ennis had to admit he was nervous as hell about what would happen tonight. He felt it was make or break time. He just hoped they could make it.

*******

As Jack walked inside he suddenly realised that this was the first time either of them had spent anytime together inside an actual house. The closest thing was when they sometimes ended up renting a cheap motel room for the night, and that only happened when their desire for each other was too strong to wait until they got out into the mountains.

As he walked through the house, Jack also realised just how poor Ennis really was. Everything was old, pre-owned or in disrepair. Ennis ushered him into the small kitchen which had a little table with two chairs. Jack sat on one and just watched Ennis as he managed to get two mugs out of the cupboard. They were both chipped and stained beyond cleaning. He put the kettle on the stove to boil the water, taking several attempts to get the ring to light. He scooped the coffee into the mugs and fished around in his fridge for some milk then hunted out some sugar. All the time he didn’t say a word or look at Jack. He kept his back to him the whole time. He feared to look at Jack right now, afraid of what he might see in those ocean deep eyes. Jack just watched him, wondering what was going to happen next. He had to admit his anger had wained slightly. He never could stay mad at Ennis for long. What he was feeling more than anything was lonely and a deep sense of sadness.

Eventually the kettle boiled and Ennis poured the steaming water into the mugs, cussing under his breath when a small amount spilled onto his hand. He made Jack’s coffee the way he liked it, hot as hell, loads of milk and 5 sugars. His own, was black with 1 sugar. The sound of the spoon clicking against the mug sounded loud in the silence. He took a deep breath, braced himself and turned round to give Jack his coffee and the sight he was greeted with made him stop, two mugs of coffee being tightly held in his shaking hands. As he looked at Jack he saw that he wasn’t looking at him, his head was hung, his shoulders slumped, his eyes were dull, full of tears again. He looked so…sad. So small. This wasn’t the vibrant, out-going Jack he knew. The Jack who was larger than life, optimistic, romantic, full of energy This was a Jack who looked like he’d had all the life sucked out of him. What really yanked his heart out of his chest was when Jack turned to look at him and when his blue eyes met Ennis’ brown, he could see it. He could see all the pain, the sadness, the loneliness, the despair, the disappointment and also something else he couldn’t quite place. There was still a tiny sparkle in them though it was hard to see. Anyone else would miss it, but not Ennis. He could read those eyes as easy as he could read the paper. Always could. Right from when they first met. Those deep, soulful eyes were as beautiful as the sky, deep as the ocean, filled with fire and light. Right now, that fire was almost extinguished and it was killing him to see that. To know, that he was the cause.

As Jack looked into Ennis’ eyes, he could see so much loneliness and sadness in those deep chocolate eyes. Eyes that were warm and inviting but also held a lot of mystery. How he wished he could understand all he saw in them, but he just couldn’t. It was like there was something inside the man that he always kept hidden or buried so deep that it just couldn’t escape, or maybe Ennis just didn’t want it to.

They stayed there just staring for a few moments, both trying to figure out what the other was thinking. Eventually Ennis moved and placed Jack’s coffee in front of him then sat down himself opposite him. He kept his eyes locked with Jack, which was surprising Jack no end. Usually when he sat and stared at Ennis, Ennis would duck his head, trying to hide his eyes, almost like he was afraid of what Jack might see. What he might give away. But right now, he was meeting Jack’s gaze. This time Jack felt a desire to duck his own head. He wasn’t used to Ennis staring at him like this. It wasn’t uncomfortable, just made him a little uneasy.

Still neither spoke, just sat there staring. Neither made any move to drink their coffee either, so the mugs just sat there sending up wispy steam signals that curled around then disappeared.

Jack really thought he should say something, anything. It was usually him that started any conversation and seeing as he was here at Ennis’ house again after driving away just a few hours ago, he supposed he should be talking. But, he just couldn’t seem to get the words out, They stuck in his throat to then be swallowed back down again.

Ennis knew he should say something, explain what happened earlier, tell Jack what he was thinking now, but each time he went to say something, he just couldn’t think of the right words. He’d never been good with words anyway, but stressful or emotional situations just made it even worse. He briefly closed his eyes, swallowed hard, took a deep breath and decided right then and there, in his shitty kitchen with two chipped mugs of crap coffee rapidly cooling in front of him, that he would let the Ennis he’d kept hidden for so long to escape, to burst free.

“Jack…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry lil’ darlin’.” Ennis practically sobbed

“Ennis…” Jack started, concern evident in his voice

“Please Jack…let me get this out…I have to get this out”

“Alright” he said, reluctantly. But, if Ennis wanted to talk, he sure as hell wasn’t going to stop him. It was such a rare thing

“Jack…all my life I’ve been alone. Even when I was a kid. Thought that was how it was supposed to be. Didn’t know any better. Didn’t think I deserved it. But inside, I’d always dreamed of somethin’ better. My daddy, he used to beat me fer dreamin’ like that, so I kept it all hidden where it’d be safe ya know, where no one could get them and take them away. Then you came along. That summer on Brokeback was the first time I didn’t feel alone no more. Then we left, it was all over and I felt more alone than ever. When I was married and had kids of my own and I still felt alone I didn’t think anythin’ of it. Thought that maybe I’d imagined feelin’ any different. But…that ain’t true…I never imagined it ‘cause the feelin’ came back whenever you did”

Ennis took a deep breath, reached into his pocket and lit a cigarette. He offered Jack one who accepted. They smoked in silence as Jack waited for Ennis to continue. He knew Ennis struggled to say things, so would remain quiet. They finished their cigarettes and just sat there. Ennis looked like he was thinking something over really hard. Suddenly Ennis stood and motioned for Jack to follow him, which he did, a little confused.

When Ennis led him to his bedroom, Jack was a little affronted that Ennis would think he could just suddenly turn around and want to fuck him. He was going to say so, but when Ennis turned around holding a small box in his shaking hands, he realised that wasn’t Ennis’ idea. Ennis gestured Jack to take it which he did.

“Whuts this En?”

“Jist open it and look inside. I’m gonna go so ya can look in private. It’s important ta me that ya do.”

Ennis then moved to walk past him, but stopped, looked deeply into Jack’s eyes, smiled lovingly at him, and ran the back of his hand down Jack’s cheek. He then cupped his jaw, ran his thumb on his cheekbone. Jack thought that was all mighty strange. For years he’d longed for Ennis to do things like this, to be so tender and expressive. The way he’d looked at him was something new as well. He’d never been looked at like that before, especially by Ennis, and it made little tingles start all over his body and butterflies to jump into his stomach. He was even more surprised when Ennis leaned in and gently, and softly kissed him. This was no sudden burst of lust, or desire. It wasn’t forceful or desperate like it usually was. There was something else in this kiss, but his brain wasn’t really functioning enough to figure out what it was.

Ennis pulled back slowly then smiled at him again and walked away, closing the door softly as he left. As he got outside he took another deep, shuddering breath, hoping that what Jack read and saw would be enough. He’d never shown anyone what was in there, never planned on even showing Jack, but he knew he had to do whatever was necessary to get Jack to forgive him, to understand, to stay.