What to Expect When You're Unexpected

Title: What to Expect When You’re Unexpected- Chapter 4
Rating: R (but only for occasional naughty language in this chapter)
Pairing: Batman/Joker, Joker/Others (briefly mentioned this chapter)
WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.
Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker’s baby daddy.

Three Weeks Later

Bruce Wayne stared at his cell phone in shock. “Excuse me, Commissioner Gordon?” he nearly squeaked.

“Look, don’t ask how, but I know you’re Batman. Now put on your damned Kevlar suit and get down to Gotham General,” Gordon snapped through the phone. “The Joker is… damn it, you have to see this to believe it.”

“I’ll… be right there.”

* * * * * * * *

Gotham General Hospital was surrounded by police vehicles and reporters as Batman watched from the shadows. What had he done this time? Batman groaned inwardly.

Moving stealthily through the shadows, Batman approached Gordon. “I’m here,” he growled, managing to avoid being noticed by the press.

Strangely, none of the police that noticed him made a move to arrest the Batman. Naturally, when they can’t handle it themselves, it’s “Oh, we forgive you, Mr. Batman! Please save our asses!” And then it’s right back onto the most wanted list.

Gordon took the end of his dying cigarette and used it to immediately light another. He shook his head in disbelief. “The Joker has taken the hospital hostage. He says he’ll blow both it and two nursing homes up if you don’t go in to meet with him,” Gordon explained. He handed a manila folder to Batman. “He sent these out. He said you would understand.”

Flipping through the pictures, Batman felt his stomach drop.

“We don’t know who he has up there,” Gordon continued. “But he sent out all of these sonogram pictures-“

Rubbing his eyes in disgust, Batman practically threw the folder back at Gordon. “The Joker is convinced he’s pregnant,” Batman said tonelessly.

Gordon stared. “What?”

Sighing loudly through his nose, Batman repeated himself: “The Joker is convinced that he is pregnant. Apparently, he is trying to get us to buy into his current delusion.”

Commissioner Gordon didn’t know whether to laugh his ass off or be horrified. “What are you going to do?” he settled for asking Batman.

“Go in there, meet with him, and beat the crap out of him until he gives up on this damned pregnancy nonsense.”

* * * * * * * *

The Joker smiled brightly over his sonogram pictures, cooing at the itty bitty speck that was his baby. Schiff was busy hounding an obstetrician he had found with questions so as to better tend to his master’s health.

“Now, when will be able to hear the baby’s heart beat?” Schiff was asking as he furiously scribbled notes with an orange crayon in a notebook.

“Um, ah, probably within the next few weeks,” the doctor answered, nervously wiping sweat from his brow.

Batman came storming into the room. “Joker, what-“ Batman froze. “What… er, what?”

The Joker was lying happily on an examination table, his pants open and his belly covered in gel. His grin grew even wider at Batman. “Look! Proof that I am in fact pregnant!” he crowed, waving one of the sonogram pictures at Batman.

Groaning, Batman pinched the bridge of his nose. I will not kill the Joker. I will not kill the Joker. Killing is bad. “You are not pregnant,” Batman bit out, refusing to look directly at the Joker.

“Ah, no, I am pregnant. And these little pictures prove it.”

“I don’t know where you got those-“

“They came from me!” the Joker chirped, a child proud with what he had done. “The doctor even checked on four different machines!”

“YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT!”

“Actually, he is,” the obstetrician interjected.

Batman stared at the doctor in shock. “Don’t feed into this stupidity!”

“I’m sorry, Batman, but I checked the results myself. I watched the technician take the sonograms on the last two machines. The Joker is pregnant.” The doctor walked over and took several of the images from the Joker to show to Batman. “See, he has apparently developed some kind of uterus-“

“You used to be a woman?” Batman squeaked at the Joker.

“Nope,” the Joker replied, rolling his feet back and forth on his heels. “Always been a man. I’m just a pregnant man.”

Batman went back to staring at the sonogram images. No. Just not possible. Just… not… possible!

And yet, there was the truth staring him in the face.

“What’s that?” Batman mumbled, pointing to one of the dark shapes on the paper in his hand.

The Joker lunged forward in a panic. “What’s what?” he howled, grabbing the doctor by his neck and pressing a knife to his neck. “Is there something wrong with my baby?”

Schiff scampered over and pushed the Joker back by his shoulders tenderly. “You mustn’t upset yourself, sir,” he admonished, trying to adjust the Joker’s pants. “Especially in your condition!”

The doctor righted himself. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Mr. Joker, if your… associate here would let me get in a word edgewise.”

“I have questions,” Schiff muttered petulantly.

“The reason there are these two shapes in the sonogram is that you are having twins.”

Nobody moved. If there had been crickets, they would have chirped. Thankfully, there were none, ‘cause that would have been too cliché.

“Twins?” the Joker gasped. “I’m having twins?”

“Yes.” The doctor tapped each of the shapes. “This is Baby A, and this one is Baby B.”

“Did you hear that, Batsy?” the Joker squee-ed. “We’re having twins!”

“I am not your babies’ daddy!” Batman roared, punching a hole in the wall. “How many times do I
The room tilted
have to
a little to the left
tell you
and swirled round and round
that? What the fuck?”

Batman found himself sitting in a plush chair facing a studio audience. The Joker and Schiff were to the right of him, in the middle of the stage. The Joker was now wearing a red vinyl halter top and cutoff jean shorts. The stripper heels were a bit much though. Schiff apparently was channeling his inner nanny… from the Exorcist.

Next to the three were a confused Harvey Dent and Jonathan Crane, both dressed in their Arkham finest.

The lights came up and the crowd started chanting: “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!”

Instead of Jerry Springer, a short man in a tweed suit appeared out of nowhere. “Good evening, folks! Mr. Springer couldn’t be here tonight. But I am your guest host, Mr. Mxyzptlk,” the little man crowed, bowing to his guests.

“Where are we?” Harvey snarled, his left eye glowering menacingly from his scars.

“You fine gentleman have been brought to the Jerry Springer Dimension,” Mr. Mxyzptlk explained, “to answer a very important question:

“Who is the Joker’s baby daddy?”

“To hell with all of you!” Batman roared. He jumped to his feet and stormed off the side of the stage-

-only to walk right back on the other side.

“I think you will find that his dimension is relatively small, Bats,” Mxyzptlk grinned. “Not very far to go at all. So you might as well sit down and enjoy the show!”

The audience laughed and clapped.

Batman sat back down, more confused than ever.

“Now,” the little host continued. “One of you three fine fellows knocked up the Joker. And today we’re going to find out which of you it is!”

“The hell?” Harvey yelled. “I don’t even like the guy! I’ve been trying to kill him. I can assure you there is no way in hell I’m that father to that freak’s kids.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so certain about that Mr. Dent, or is it Two Face today?” With a wave of his hand, Mxyzptlk summoned a television screen that floated in the middle of the room. “Apparently, you and Momma Joker had quite the time a few months ago in Arkham.”

It was like watching a train wreck. Batman stared in mute horror as he watched Harvey and the Joker… what the hell is the banana… oh, fuck no! “That’s just wrong,” he muttered, glaring at the Joker and Harvey.

“I swear, it meant nothing, Batsy,” the Joker said apologetically, stroking Batman’s thigh. “You’re the only one I really care about.”

Batman was too shocked to even swat the Joker’s hand away.

“And what about that night with Scarecrow the night after that?” Mxyzptlk asked, raising a suggestive eyebrow.

“Ooooo!” the crowd catcalled.

Batman cocked his head to one side and tried to figure out just what the hell he was seeing. He got the school girl uniform on Crane and the nun’s habit on Joker How the hell did they get that in Arkham?, but what was the spatula, the trampoline, and the baton-?

“Jesus, you are a real slut,” slipped out of Batman.

“Well, maybe if you were more willing to meet my needs, I wouldn’t have to go looking elsewhere!” the Joker sobbed, beating his fists against the Kevlar shoulder of a stunned Batman.

The crowd indicated that they were siding with the Joker.

“Well, if you were so busy giving it up to them, then there is no way that I could have gotten you pregnant,” Batman rationalized numbly.

Schiff suddenly pulled out a bottle of water and a pill. “Time for your vitamins, sir.”

“At least someone cares about my well being,” the Joker sniffed, thankfully taking the pill.

“And why are you dressed like that?” Batman demanded, turning to look at the Joker. “You look-“ Batman did not want to follow that thought any further. He like girls. Yep. Loved girls.

“Maybe I just want you to notice me!” the Joker wailed, standing up violently and knocking over his chair.

The crowd went wild in anticipation of a good fight.

“But no matter what, you are still the father of my babies!” the Joker yelled, pointing to his slightly distended belly.

Batman leapt up as well. “I am not the father of those twins!” he shot back. He pointed wildly at Harvey and Crane. “They’re the ones who fucked you senseless, not me, whore!”

“Oh, I’m the whore? Well, at least I’m getting some you stuck up bastard!” the Joker glowered.

“Actually, Batman, you are the father of these children,” Mxyzptlk interjected with a Cheshire grin.

“What?” Batman roared, turning on the miniature talk show host. “That’s just not possible!!”

Suddenly, the audience, Harvey, and Crane were gone, along with the television set. The three men (two still dressed like women) found themselves in the Batcave.

Mxyzptlk popped into existence above them. “Oh, but you are, Bats,” he replied. “See, I was looking for a way to amuse myself and I found the Joker here. He said he really wanted you. And what really brings you crazy humans together? Babies!”

Batman blinked slowly. “So… you got the Joker pregnant to bring us together?”

“And to give me hours of entertainment.”

Batman stared for a moment. “That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard.”

“Are you calling our children stupid?” the Joker gasped tearily.

Mxyzptlk took this time to disappear, leaving Batman to deal with his… guests.

“No, I am not, I’m just saying it’s a stupid reason to get someone pregnant,” Batman grumbled, dragging the Joker deeper into the cave. “What the hell am I going to do with you two?” he muttered to himself.

The Joker looked about in wonder, his high heeled shoes clicking on the rocks. “You know, sir,” Schiff pointed out. “You really shouldn’t be wearing those kinds of shoes. You could fall slip in here and one of these pointy rocks could hurt the twins!”

Batman spun around and picked the Joker up in his arms. “I just want you to know that I hate you both.”

The Joker giggled, throwing his arms around Batman’s neck. “Oh, once you get to know us better, you’ll come to love us! If only for the children’s sake.”

Batman’s night went from bad to worse when he saw Alfred staring at him open mouthed. He could only imagine what he looked like. And here we have Batman, carrying in his hooker boyfriend-
“Alfred, I can explain-“

“We’re having babies!” the Joker shouted gleefully.

Alfred responded the only way that was appropriate in this situation.

Alfred snerked.

“Forget to use protection, sir?” he asked blithely.

Batman practically dropped the Joker into a chair. “Not exactly,” he snapped. “There was this creature, something involving a Jerry Springer based universe, and apparently I’m the father of the Joker’s twins.”

Before Alfred could say anything, the Joker shrieked in delight. “You admit it! You admit!” He threw his hands around Batman’s neck, pressing in close and hugging him. “You admit that these are your children.”

Groaning, Batman tried to shake off the Joker with no success.

“Fine! I am your babies’ daddy.”