Anything and Everything

Tumbling into bed with John Murdoch was the easiest way to, at least temporarily, the best way to not think about anything other than John. His dark haired lover seemed more than pleased with his enthusiasm as he pulled him inside and up the stairs, fingers already tugging at the buttons of Daniel's shirt, nestling his face against Daniel's neck to kiss it hungrily as they made their way down the hallway to the master bedroom.

"So glad you came out here," he murmured, voice thick with desire, stroking hands inside his shirt, catching Daniel's earlobe between his teeth and nibbling at it lightly, something he'd found made the doctor entirely helpless to him. "Been so good just to have an entire day with you...."

He made a soft noise of agreement, deftly unbuttoning his shirt, stroking his hands over his chest. This he could never get enough of, the feel of John's bare skin under his fingers, the strength of his muscles as John's arms slipped around him, tugging Daniel's shirt off, hands stroking hungrily over his back and shoulders, slipping up to cup the back of his head as he leaned in to catch Daniel's mouth with his own. It sent the same helpless shiver down his spine that it always did, kissing John, and he slipped his arms up around bare shoulders, arching against him with a soft moan as John's tongue flicked against his lips, and met it with a flick of his own, tasting warmth and a hint of tea.

"It's been so good to be here with you," he murmured softly, arching in to kiss him again, loosing himself in the warmth and sweetness of his touch, the press of his lips, the taste of him. John's fingers tightened in his hair, keeping him close, drawing a shuddering breath as their lips parted.

"Want you here every day."

"John... you know that cannot...."

"Shh..." gentle fingers pressed to his lips, and John gave a soft sigh. "Just let me love you."

It wasn't a hard request to fill. John tugged him down to bed, pressing him onto his back and kneeling over him, lips warm on his skin as he kissed down his throat, nuzzling gently the kiss bruises he'd left on his shoulders earlier in the day. Warm hands rubbed over a chest no longer marred by scars, teasing one nipple as John's lips found the other, tongue swirling around the sensitive tissue, dragging his teeth against it. It sent a hard shock of pleasure straight to his groin, and he arched up against his hips up against John's with a sharp gasp, fingers tangling in his hair. "Don't stop...."

"Never," came the soft reply, John's hips grinding back against him slowly, erection more than evident through his trousers, pressed against his thigh. It made him ache for him, and when John's hand slipped down to cup him through his slacks, he couldn't help but moan, rocking up against his fingers, hands clenching at John's shoulders.

"John, please...."

"Please?" He felt the button on his pants tugged undone, the zipper slowly pulled downward, John's fingers hot on his skin through the thin cotton of his shorts. "How do you want it, love?"

"However you want, do anything you want to me, just please..." he drew a sharp breath as John's fingers slipped under the waistband of his shorts, curling around his erection and stroking it slowly. "God, please make love to me...."

"Eventually." John's voice was warm, almost amused, and before he knew it, the man had kissed down his chest, easing his pants and shorts down over his hips, and was covering his erection in long, slow laps of his tongue, slick caresses that sent shivers of sensation up his spine. His hands clenched in the sheets underneath him, biting his lower lip as he resisted the overwhelming urge to rock up against his mouth.

"Oh god, John... so good - !"

His lover gave a muffled noise in agreement, tongue swirling slowly around the head of his cock, sucking at his tip a little experimentally, then taking his head in his mouth. John's fingers wrapped around the base of him, stroking slowly up and down as he began to move his mouth on him, working his tongue against the underside of his cock. Daniel found he could hardly breathe from the pleasure of it, from how warm and slick his mouth was around him, suckling gently, building his pleasure in the most impossibly blissful way, almost overwhelming. He watched the man, hardly believing what he was doing, as he drew back to tease just the tip of him again, tongue lapping against it before taking him in his mouth again, deep enough that his lips met where his hand was stroking.

John moved back just long enough to pull the rest of his clothes off, then took him in his mouth again, hot and eager. It was almost too much when he felt John's fingers slip back between his thighs, stroking his perineum before moving back farther, fingers slick with the lube he'd become familiar with. He eased a finger into him, massaging, stretching him, reaching and crooking to brush against that spot that made stars dance behind Daniel's eyes, made him cry out throaty and helpless. He was arching up against him before he knew it, torn between the slick heat of his mouth and pressing back against John's fingers - two, then three, filling him, achingly good and yet not what he craved.

"John please, please - "

"Shhh..." John pulled back finally, moving back up and letting Daniel catch his mouth with desperate, trembling kisses, arching up against him, almost intoxicated with the taste of himself on John's lips as his lover wriggled out of his slacks,. He was already wrapping his legs around his waist when John caught his hips without further delay, rocking carefully into him with a breathless groan, sheathing himself with a series of slow thrusts that made them both gasp and groan. Daniel's fingers clenched almost painfully at his back, whimpering against his mouth as he adjusted to it, arching up against him to press him deeper.

"Yes..." he managed to breathe, letting his head fall back as John dropped soft kisses to his throat, sucking at the crook of his neck. This is what he'd needed, the overwhelming, intense sensation, the feeling of completion when they were like this - John over top of him, deep inside him, pinning him to the bed with his weight and slow, aching thrusts. Like nothing in the world existed but the two of them in this moment, the pleasure of coupling with him, rocking up against him with breathless cries of pleasure, aching for more. John was gentle with him - John was always gentle with him, despite the few pink bruises that marked his shoulders and chest from his kisses - but he wanted to ache with this, needed to remember the feel of John's strength against him, the feel of being one with him. "Please - harder!"

"Daniel - !" John's cry sounded almost helpless, and he slipped an arm under his hips to lift him higher as he thrust harder into him, picking up the pace, hitting against the aching heat at his core again and again, driving ecstasy through him so strong he could hardly stand it. John's face pressed to his neck, breath in hot gasps against his skin, words broken. "God love - my Daniel - ! Oh god, Daniel!"

It was too much, like it always was, John's voice, his gasped endearments, all the things that Daniel wanted so badly and yet was so afraid of at the same time. He felt his pleasure crest as John bucked hard into him again, arching up against him helplessly with a whimpering cry, the craved for oblivion rushing hot and bright through every nerve in his body, his fingers clenched hard at John's back as if he'd never let go. He heard John's answering cry, felt him shudder against him and join him in climax, which only added to the overwhelming feeling of bliss and satisfaction.

"Love you so..." John dropped breathless kisses to his skin, covering his face with them almost reverently, fingers stroking through his hair over and over, not pulling away, as if he couldn't bare to. "Don't want to let you go...." he breathed almost helplessly, nestling his face against his hair.

Daniel closed his eyes, clinging to him, heart aching at the intensity of his lover's words - neither of which should ever have been meant for him. Things should have never come to this level, never come to the place where this... this relationship threatened the normalcy John had with Anna. Anna already thought something was wrong, was already questioning their relationship. He'd have to pull back... spend less time with John, as much as his heart ached at the thought of doing so.

He drew back and searched his lover's face, fine features bathed in moonlight, and stroked his fingers over his cheek, watching John's eyelids flutter closed at the touch. Whatever had to happen... he could leave it for the night. He leaned up to kiss him warmly, giving a soft sigh of loss as John finally pulled away, curling around him and wrapping the covers around them, letting sleep claim him.

~~~~~~~~

Daniel continued to muse on the problem when they woke up the next morning, showered and dressed, and as they sat in John's sunlit kitchen over breakfast. If John noticed his brooding, he didn't mention it, sitting with him in relative silence and looking a little like he was doing some thinking of his own.

Finally John spoke, once the food was gone, hands wrapped around his cup of coffee. "I'm going to break things off with Anna."

Daniel felt the world drop out from under him, and set his teacup down unsteadily. "... no."

Green eyes looked up at him, confused. "What?"

"John, do not do that to the girl. She loves you. You know you love her - "

"It's not fair to you," the man replied quietly, cutting him off. "Not fair to either of you. I realized that last night when you left, before I took her home. It was stupid of me to think that I could live both lives without one affecting the other. I've hurt you both, and I'm sorry."

"What did she say to you last night after I left?" He asked softly, and John looked away.

"Nothing that had anything to do with you."

"I am not certain that is the truth, John."

John's mouth tightened, green eyes narrowing a little. "She has no right to question how I spend my time when she's working."

"Perhaps she does if you are using that time to see another person," Daniel replied softly.

"I'm not with another woman - "

"John." It came out more stern than he'd intended, and John looked up at him in shock. He pushed onward. "You are putting more energy toward us than you are toward her. It needs to stop."

"I spend more time with her - "

"And she has sensed that you spend it thinking of someone else. That is what she told me when we were together in the garden. Did you know she tried to seduce you the night before last?"

From the flash of surprise that crossed John's face, he knew the man had not. "No. And that's why I'm going to break it off with her."

Daniel closed his eyes for a long moment, letting out a soft breath. Then he stood. "Please excuse me."

"Where are you going?" John followed him to the foot of the stairs, watching in confusion as he returned from the guest room with his small suitcase, which he'd packed when he'd dressed.

"I need to go back to the city. I do not belong here, and we cannot keep doing this. You need to be with Anna."

"I don't want Anna - "

"John, she's your wife."

"She was never my wife!" John seemed almost at a loss for words, one hand gripping the door frame to the kitchen so hard his knuckles turned white. "Why are you doing this? I want to be with you."

He gave a soft, helpless laugh. "Trust me, John. You do not want this."

"I do. I need you - Daniel, I want to be with you."

He turned sharply to face him, keeping his face even as he met his gaze. "No, John, you don't. You don't understand what it means. People do not do this, people will not understand this. What they do not understand, they fear. What they fear, they hate. We could not openly live in love. It would not be safe. We could not even do something so simple as holding hands while we walk down the street." He watched John's earnest expression slow fade to one of sorrow, concern, and sighed softly, reaching out to cup his face gently. "Do you understand now?"

"I'd keep you safe," he said softly, slipping arms around his waist and pressing closer to him.

"I do not doubt that, John. But it is still not a life you want to lead, trust me. Even with your powers, you cannot change people's hearts. Not unless you wish to be like Them."

"Don't say that."

"You need a pretty wife on your arm. Children. Friends, a community."

"Daniel, all I need is you...."

He leaned in to kiss him, but Daniel pulled out of his touch, shaking his head. "Please do not do this, John. You need to stay grounded in reality. You need to stay human, and you will only get that through bonds with those around you. You will not get that by isolating yourself with me."

John's expression hardened. "Listen to me. I don't want that. None of that matters to me if I don't have you."

"Take your head out of the clouds, John." He took another step back, moving to the hat stand to pull on his coat, nestling his fedora on his head. "You need that. You need it if you are going to survive, going to stay sane. It is the only way you can handle your gifts without becoming like they were."

The man sighed, turning away. "I wish you could have a little more faith in me."

"I am sorry, John. It has nothing to do with faith or trust. Simply human nature." He hated the expression on John's face, the hurt and misery, and ached to go to him, comfort him, and to ask his forgiveness, to take back all his harsh words. But he couldn't let this continue, so he steeled his nerves once more, and held back what he truly wanted for what he knew had to be. "Go to Anna, John. Stay with her. She loves you, and I know you care for her. Perhaps you and I can once again be friends in time... but for now, we should not see each other."

"But I'm in love with you, not her." His voice was soft, broken, and Daniel had to fight not to react to the emotion it evoked in him.

"John, I am truly sorry if I..." He took a deep breath. "If I let you believe that this thing between you and I was more than what it is," he forced out, staring at the floor, concentrating very hard on keeping any expression off his face.

"... what do you mean?"

He swallowed hard, not being able to bring himself to look at the source of those hurt words. "I mean that Anna is the one who returns your love, not I."

"You don't mean that?" Incredulity in his lover's voice now, and Daniel shut his eyes against it.

"I do. I am sorry, John."

"No. Don't say that when it's not true. I know you love me, I see it when you look at me. Don't deny it. Don't do this just because you think I should be with Anna, I want you - "

"It is true, John. I care for you but I - I am not in love with you."

"Then why are you here?"

He folded his arms tightly across his chest as if it could protect him from the pain of having to say this. "There is no one else in the city who would look at me the way you do. I simply did not want to be alone forever. I never meant for you to love me, John."

"You don't mean that -" John started, but he cut him off, continuing.

"I would do anything for you, John, you know that. If this relationship was healthy, I would continue it regardless of your feelings, simply because you wanted it. But it is not, and I cannot continue to pretend to something that hurts you when I - when I do not love you."

"Look me in the eyes and say that." He strode forward now, catching Daniel's arms, almost yelling. "You know it's not true, don't lie to me! Look at me!"

"John - you are hurting me - "

"Say it to my face!"

"I do not love you!" He managed to gasp, staring challengingly into green eyes.

"Don't lie to me!" Only the slightest shimmer in them gave him warning of the Tuning before he was slammed back across the room to crash painfully into the door, feeling the glass panel in it shatter behind him as his shoulders slammed against it. He cried out at the sudden pain, at the uncontrollable fear that ran through him at the action, the hurt - just like They used to do to him - and crumpled to the floor, dropping the suitcase and breaking down into soft, gasping sobs.

"Oh god -!" John was crouched at his side in a second, and the horror in his voice was enough to push away any anger Daniel might have felt, but he couldn't stop the tears, couldn't stop choking with each breath, regardless of John's care. "Oh god, love - I'm sorry - I didn't mean to - "

"Let go of me," he gasped, but saw John give a firm shake of his head out of the corner of his eye.

"Not until I've gotten the glass shards out of your coat - "

"Don't touch me!" He pushed him back with strength he didn't know he had, standing and catching up his bag, opening the broken door.

"Daniel - love, please!"

He couldn't answer the absolute desolation in John's voice, couldn't do anything but turn sharply and walk away, hating himself for what he'd done to hurt John, clinging to the shards of his broken heart.

~~~~~