Almost Alice

1Disclaimer: I not own Alice in Wonderland, the characters, the fandom, the songs used herein or references to the movie. All rights remain with respective owners. I make no money from these writings.

Take a look at my bodyLook at my handsThere's so much here that I don't understandYour face-saving promisesWhispered like prayersI don't need them'Cause I've been treated so wrong,I've been treated so longAs if I'm becoming untouchableWell, contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the darkWith fine winding tendrils that strangle the heartThey say that promises sweeten the blowBut I don't need them, no I don't need themI've been treated so wrong,I've been treated so longAs if I'm becoming untouchableI'm a slow-dying flowerIn the frost-killing hourSweet turning sour and untouchableI need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weaknessOh I need thisI need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel, sweet love of my lifeOh I need thisI'm a slow-dying flowerFrost-killing hourThe sweet turning sour and untouchableDo you remember the way that you touched me beforeAll the trembling sweetness I loved and adoredYour face-saving promisesWhispered liked prayersI don't need themI need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weaknessOh, I need thisI need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel, sweet love of my lifeOh, I need thisWell is it dark enoughCan you see meDo you want meCan you reach meOh, I'm leavingBetter shut your mouth, and hold your breathYou kiss me now, you catch your deathOh, I mean thisOh, I mean this

My Skin - Natalie Merchant

They arrived at the white palace safely much to the cheers and happiness of the Underland creatures. They welcomed back their champion, truly believing that once more Alice would and could save them. She felt the weight of those gazes like iron shackles. Guilt engulfed her, she glanced to the side to find Tarrant staring boldly ahead but even as she felt sorrow well up, he reached over to take her hand.

"Welcome back to Marmoreal" he whispered to her.

But she couldn't feel like she was welcome when she felt like a fraud crossing the threshold. She was reminded of the mean spirited flowers who had accused her of purposely misleading them and being the wrong Alice. She felt sick to her stomach and suddenly very hot.

She felt the hatter gently tug her hand and realized she'd stopped walking in the pristine white corridor. He felt the tremor in her small hand and glanced at it before looking up to see her face go ashen. "Alice?" he called to her, a tinge of alarm in his voice.

She shook her head, opened her mouth to say she was fine and pitched forward. The world spinning madly. Tarrant moved forward swiftly catching her before she could hit the hard marble floor amid the gasps and shouts of the onlookers. He ran his hand over her face feeling the heat of it.

Looking up at the others he realized one important thing. His Alice wasn't well. At all. "Where is Thakery?"

She opened her eyes less than twenty minutes later, which of course was nineteen and one half minutes too late for Tarrant. He was leaning over her and she nearly shrieked and waking to find another person so close to her.

He leaned back, an odd look on his face. "You are still unwell" he accused, "You hid this from me."

She struggled to sit up but she found herself gently shoved back down, "Tarrant!"

"You hid it from me." he repeated quietly, he held a small spoon to her lips, scowling til she swallowed. Already he had set the silver aside and was checking her bandages critically. Dabbing tincture on the still healing scrapes of her palms.

"I am not unwell" she insisted, "It was just… too much. Seeing all of them, knowing I can't give them what they expect of me. Its like ….suffocating."

She turned to stare at the white coverlet and closed her eyes. "I really hate this color. Its sterile. It reminds me of cold, unfeeling things." she muttered.

Tarrant blinked at her little outburst.

"Here then." he said and she opened her eyes to find a bright green kerchief on her lap. She toyed with the pretty edge and admired the color, not quite ready to meet his eyes. He waited silently, knowing his Alice as he did.

"I feel so ashamed" she blurted out.

Tarrant blinked, "Why should you feel ashamed Alice? You've done nothing wrong."

"Haven't I?" she countered, "I wanted to get back so badly and for what? To stand by and do nothing. Underland is always in trouble when I am here it seems. I just wanted to come back and live happily with…." She broke off, smoothing the pretty material once more.

The hatter eyed her in silence. She was still flushed, perhaps it was merely her fever talking, but he felt the underlying hurt as well.

"I was once a champion…. Now look at me." It wasn't really in her nature to be so self pitying but at the moment she couldn't seem to stop herself. She was angry and disgusted with her own actions.

Tarrant reached out and caught her chin on his fingertips. "I am looking at you Alice" he told her and his eyes and voice were devoid of any hint of madness, "I see a champion. A good person. Nothing to be ashamed of…only admired."

Alice looked away. She didn't deserve his kind words. She need a swift kick in the rear and knew just where to get it. "Where is Absalom?"

Tarrant blinked, "Flitting about somewhere."

"I should very much like to see him. I must ask him something."

"I think that can be arranged" a low voice drawled from the balcony and Alice saw Chess wink into view, "But before that perhaps you'd like to take a nice hot bath. I hear it does wonders for the nerves."

She shook her head, "No thank you, but.."

"I really must insist Alice, you still seem a bit fevered. Go along now." The cat's voice was nearing stern and Alice sighed.

"Fine."

Chess waited until she has stormed into the side room before he turned back to his friend the hatter. "There is news" he said quietly, "None of it good I'm afraid."

Tarrant sat on the edge of the bed, "How can it possibly be worse? Oh, have they blockaded the sea so I can't have my tea?"

"No. Worse. Stayne has found the Midwidgen witches."

Tarrant's eyes went round, "From the Outlands?"

Chess nodded, "They were once banished from Underland you recall."

The hatter nodded, "Iracebeth of Crims practiced dominion over living things, they over the dead."

"Indeed. Now they are building Stayne an army Tarrant."

"What? One doesn't just build an army. You need bodies."

"Parts of bodies at least."

Tarrant blanched, "Revolting. Where?"

Chess shook his head sadly, "He's trawled the river of the red queen and do you know how many heads he's found?"

Tarrant didn't want to know but he asked anyway.

"Over a thousand."

"A thousand?"

"How are we going to stop that Tarrant? Even if you can kill Stayne, that army of corpse flesh will slaughter on. Once they receive an order they simply obey. Keep moving until there is nothing left of them. Traditional weapons won't have any effect on them."

He shook his head, something so dark barely seemed possible. Though nothing in Underland ever was.

"She has to fight again. We need every blade, every chance." Chess pressed.

Tarrant shook his head, "Nay, I willna allow it." The yellow was creeping in now.

Chess rolled in the air, "You haven't the option" he said matter-of-factly, "It was all outlined in the letter."

"Letter?" Tarrant was very confused now.

"Yes. The letter the queen left for Alice shortly after she departed the last time. She hid it in the bath. I expect Alice is reading it right now."

"What does it say?"

Chess shrugged, "Only the queen, Absalom and now Alice know."

Alice sank up to her nose in the hot soapy water. Honeysuckle scent filled the air and she inhaled deeply. Perhaps Chess had been correct in making her taking a bath. It did feel lovely here. She decided to not hold a grudge against the feline then. She leaned her head back against the stone ledge and stared up at the towering ceiling. "I really hate white. You were so warm and caring Mirana, how could you stand such a cold color?"

Suddenly a small black mark caught her eye from way up. She squinted and tilted her head. It was writing. Someone had stuck a letter on the ceiling. A letter that read very clearly…ALICE. She was about to stand and try and find a ladder or some other way of reaching it when the steam blocked her view and said letter floated down to land atop her head.

Reaching up she plucked it from her hair and carefully opened it. "Curiouser and curiouser."

'My Dearest Friend and Champion Alice,

I am writing this letter in the view of Absalom. We have found some frightening events unfolding on the Oraculum. Ones that Underland is not yet prepared to face. I will die Alice. There is no way round it. Underland will face war again and a king must be chosen.

As my champion I hope that you will help Underland in any way you can. The vorpal sword and armor are hidden in the tower. You must be the fire of Underland Alice. Or all will perish. Much love to you. Mirana.

P.S please speak kindly to my trees, they grow sad so easily. And they have so much to say'

"Fire of Underland? I've already been through fire. What does this mean?" Alice muttered to herself. She rose from the tub, barely toweling herself before pulling her loose palace clothing on leaving the bathing room in search of Chess and the hatter.

She pulled the door of her chambers wide and stormed up to them, "I need the Oraculum".

They looked at each other and then back at her. "Impossible" Chess said.

"Why?"

Tarrant lifted a hand to her, "Its been lost." Alice didn't believe him.

"Where can I find Absalom?" she asked instead.

"Oh, words been sent, we hope he will arrive in two days time."

She nodded. She could work with that. "I need to go for a walk. In the gardens" she said then.

Tarrant was on his feet, "Not alone!"

She turned at the door to face him, "Why not?"

Chess floated to her, whispering in her ear, "The queen was killed in the garden."

She turned apologetic eyes to Tarrant, "I'm sorry. I didn't know. Walk with me to the tower?"

He smiled slightly and nodded, "Of course. We can walk in the gardens too Alice. Just please not on the west edge."

She nodded, "The east then."

Chess watched them go a wide smile on his face. "Maybe this time they'll get it right."

Alice walked beside Tarrant, slowly. She glanced down and opened Mirana's letter. She read and reread it at least four times before Tarrant had to ask. It was probably very rude to do so but he simply had to know what it said.

"What did she say?"

Alice stopped and looked up at him, his green eyes were sad. Guilt ridden. "She knew it would happen Tarrant. She said so in her letter."

He shook his head but she held the parchment out to him and hesitantly he took it, his eyes scanning it carefully. Alice saw the line of his body tense and reached her hand out to him. He shook his head stiffly and backed away. Spinning to face away from her.

"She told me to find ye. I didna do it" his brogue reached her ears. His madness was rising. Or maybe it wasn't. What if the gentle hatter was the mad one and this was Tarrant? Alice shook her head over the idea and raced around him.

Orange eyes lifted to her and she reached for his face. He pulled his head back out of reach, "Nay. Ye've got to listen to me lass. Ye must find a way out of Underland. Ye must flee. I dinna think we can win this fight, and I canna see you fall."

"I'm not leaving you here to fight alone, I couldn't go home if I wanted to anyway." she told him.

His hand rose between them, to tug lightly on her shorter hair. "Ye must. Yer mah Alice."

"Your Alice?" Her golden brow arched at his low rumble of words, even as her stomach flipped happily.

He stepped closer, "Aye, mah Alice, me verra own. And ye hafta live. Ye canna carry around this guilt."

She laughed lightly at him, "You really are mad. I'm not going."

He stepped closer still, "Aye, I am mad. But I am also a mon Alice, and it makes all the difference."

She wrinkled her brow at his odd words. "What does that mean?"

But he'd closed the distance and laid his lips against her own, silencing her. It was not her first kiss. She'd once kissed a deckhand in the streets of Shanghai. It had been her first and last kiss. She'd felt nothing at all that would make her wish to again.

She gasped at the unexpected action and the hatter angled his head to fuse their mouths in a deep kiss. His tongue sneaking out to touch against her own before retreating. She pulled back slightly to meet green eyes and then he was there again and his arms came round her. Drawing her close against him as he ravished her mouth in the most delicious of ways.

This was what she had longed for! Her stomach was full of butterflies, the entire world narrowed to the soft yet firm lips on her own, the hands trailing over her back and toying with her hair. To the velvet lap of his clever tongue.

Just when she was getting the hang of it, he pulled back and set her away from him. "Forgive me". Before she could respond, he had led her back to the corridor and ushered her inside. "Good night Alice." She stared after him for a long moment, uncertain of what had just transpired. She pressed her fingers to her lips but the tingling didn't fade.

Tarrant had kissed her and how she wished he'd come back to do it again. But he seemed to not enjoy it and so she hurried to her room and sat in the center of large bed mulling it over. What had she done? Had she just ruined a most perfect friendship? Had she really messed it up?

Why did she want to cry now? Feeling so uncertain and inadequate. She supposed she would have to wait until he came to bed to ask him. Or maybe she wouldn't, maybe she should just wait and see what became of this.

She waited for several hours, fighting sleep but soon it was very apparent that Tarrant wasn't coming. She'd grown so used to his nearness that the absence of it was tangible. She tossed and turned for hours more before finally giving up and walking to the balcony and staring over the gardens.

'Please speak kindly to my trees, they grow sad so easily. And they have so much to say'.

Alice bit her lip, the gardens might well be dangerous. But what if…. Just what if?

She flung her door open and rushed down the stairs and corridors to the terrace and listened intently. There was only silence. She really hoped she didn't follow in Mirana's foot steps with her actions. "Hello" she said to the trees, "You are so very lovely. Have you anything to say?"

They said nothing and she felt like a fool. Slowly she turned to go back inside, no doubt the others would be angry with her recklessness. IT was foolhardy to be out here. The thought of Mirana lying here on the cold stone made her shiver.

"There is no danger in the garden this night." came a soft whisper on the wind.

Alice turned and saw no one. "The queen mentioned you in her letter to me."

"Long live Mirana" the trees whispered in sad tones.

"She died here, you saw that didn't you?" she asked.

"Indeed. Mirana kept us in bloom all the year long with her love and kindness."

"I need your help for Mirana's memory and the sake of Underland" Alice said.

The trees were silent.

"Where can I find the Oraculum? I do not believe that it was lost."

"Far away. At the edge of the world. Far to the north."

Alice sighed, "Is that all you can tell me? It doesn't really help."

"Ask the blue lord. Off to bed now Champion."

Alice sank instead to the stone bench, "Do you have a moment? Please? To just listen? I don't think I could confide to anyone else."

The trees seemed to tinkle with happy laughter, "Of course."

"The hatter kissed me" she blurted out, "Now I am confused."

"You do not care for the hatter?"

"It isn't that at all" she protested, she motioned ineffectually with her hands, but couldn't put it into words..

"Poor Alice. Return to your room. You're over thinking things."

So Alice stood, thinking the trees were not nearly as nice as they seemed and not a wit's bit of helpful. She bade them a polite good night and hurried back to the tall white door which led to her room. She nearly made it to the bed when she noticed something on her pillow.

A splash of color huddled in her blankets. Gazing down she found Tarrant asleep in her bed. Covers pulled up to his chin. Gently she brushed the hair from his brow and turned out the light before crawling in beside him. She snuggled closer and smiled when his arm came over her, drawing her back into his chest and warmth.

She was just settling to sleep when his voice reached her and warm breath washed over her ear. "You've been out walking alone. Naughty."

"I'm sorry.. I was confused."

"Please don't do it again Alice. For my sake."

She nodded, bumping his chin lightly but he sighed happily and she supposed that was that.

"You know one day Tarrant we really will have to sort this out." she muttered good naturedly.

"I like the mess it is" he replied and then he began to stroke her back and Alice fell to sleep with a quiet, "That's

cheating."