Clutching My Cure

Disclaimer: Lucas and Watson make the money, I just like to play with them. :)


Chapter Forty-Two


The Room of a Thousand Fountains housed a variety of waterfalls and pools, the largest of which sent cascading water spilling into a huge pool. Overlooking that pool was a smooth rock perfect for beings to sit and enjoy the scenic room. It was a spot where Obi-Wan and Bant had spent countless hours as they grew up, talking and enjoying the pleasure of just being together. Even now, after an eight year separation, the two friends sat with their feet dangling in the warm green water as if those years hadn't been lost.

“Obi,” Bant began, large silver eyes shining with worry. “I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but this relationship you have with Xanatos concerns me. We grew up hearing the rumors about how he betrayed Master Qui-Gon and turned to the Darkside.”

Obi-Wan felt a deep sense of sadness at her words. This was one of the reasons he’d been reluctant to return to the Temple, the questions he knew would come. Keeping his gaze fixed on the bubbling waters, he answered her with complete honesty.

“Xanatos has learned of the Darkside and taps into it more than he does the Light.”

The waves of fear his words incited in her were easy to sense. “Then you should reconsider this relationship.”

“Why?” He turned his head in order to meet her worried stare. “It’s not what everyone here thinks, Bant. The Darkside is no worse than the Lightside if controlled, and using it doesn’t make one a Sith. I tap into the Darkside also.”

She shook her head in vigorous denial of his claim. “The Obi-Wan I know would never touch the Darkside.”

A sad, ghost of a smile curved his lips at her firm proclamation. Grasping one of her finned hands in his, Obi-Wan pressed it against the side of his face, his eyes locking with hers so that she was forced to look inside him.

“I’m not the Obi-Wan you grew up with. He doesn’t exist anymore, Bantling. I’ve seen things, been forced to endure and do things over the years in order to survive that go against everything Jedi are taught is right.” His chest hurt when he saw understanding enter her silver gaze. “I want you to understand what you’re dealing with and not delude yourself into thinking I’m the same person I was before. I’ll understand if you’d rather not have anything to do with me after today.”

He wasn’t even aware that he’d been holding his breath as he waited for her to finish contemplating his words, until she leaned forward in order to hug him.

“It will take some getting used to, but I refuse to lose you again.” Pulling back, Bant curled up against his side, just as she used to.

Obi-Wan’s joy in the moment was short lived when he felt a powerful stir in the Force. Head snapping to the side, he watched in mute silence as a small gnome-like creature hobbled down the pathway to where they sat. Halting less than a meter away, Master Yoda rested both hands on top of his gimmer stick. Feline shaped eyes studied him closely and caught the wide range of emotions that engulfed him.

“I better get back to work,” Bant apologized with another hug. “Stop by before you leave?”

Obi-Wan could do little but nod in response, his gaze fixed on his old teacher. He heard the soft brush of Bant’s bare feet as she hurried away but couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from Master Yoda. Eventually the ancient Jedi Master covered the short distance between them, head tilting to the side as he addressed the lost member of his flock.

“Hello Obi-Wan. Warms my heart it does to see you again.”

Unable to force coherent words past the lump in his throat, Obi-Wan’s gaze fell beneath that piercing stare. Somehow he had the sense to roll himself to his knees, wet feet tucked beneath him as he bowed his head in a gesture of respect. There was so much he wanted to say, and yet words failed him.

“No greeting for me after all this time?”

The gentle tone brought a betraying sting to his eyes, words falling from his lips without his knowledge. “I…I’m sorry.”

“Sorry are you? For what do you have to be sorry for?”

Obi-Wan shook his head helplessly, a sob lodged in the center of his chest. “I haven’t lived as you taught me.”

A sigh was captured by the artificial wind generated by fans hidden in the domed ceiling. If he’d been looking up he would have seen those dragon green eyes glisten with dampness.

“Failed you we did.” The pained admission was able to bring Obi-Wan’s head up. “Failed you, I did. Fought to survive you did, doubt that I do not.”

A clawed hand reached out to rest on top of his head, heavy eyelids sliding shut as he felt Yoda pick through the dark shadows in his mind, the events of Melida/Daan and after an open book for him to see. The heavily wrinkled face suddenly twisted into deep lines of anguish. “So much pain. Suffering!"

Obi-Wan’s lips flattened into a thin line, defiance flaring in his eyes. “I hunted him down, Master Yoda. And when I found him, I killed him.”

The Jedi Master opened his eyes again, pointed ears dropping when he saw the residual anguish in the young man’s soul. “Change what happen did it? Did killing him take away the pain and free you from the past?”

“No,” Obi-Wan was forced to admit. “I found no pleasure in taking his life.”

“Remind me you always have of a rainbow.” Chuckling at the look of confusion the young man shot him, Yoda explained. “Those eyes, windows to your soul have they always been. Your emotions displayed in a dazzling prism of colors, blues, greens and grays. Even now, all these years away from us, they glow with an inner light.”

The end of the gimmer stick poked Obi-Wan in the chest as if to emphasis the wizened Jedi’s next words. “Shadows lurk behind the rainbow now. If careful you are not, smother that inner light they can. Chained you are to the past, Obi-Wan. Crippling you it is, see it I can.”

“I don’t know how to let go,” Obi-Wan whispered.

“Meditate on it have you?”

A blush stained his face at the question. “I haven’t meditated since…”

Although his words trailed off, it was clear to the Jedi Master what was left unsaid. “Help you I can, if you let me.”

Obi-Wan was torn, afraid of what was being offered and yet intrigued at the prospect as well. He knew he could trust Yoda to keep him safe, to protect him from the demons that lurked in the dark recesses of his mind. It was himself he didn’t trust. Those old feelings of weakness, helplessness and anger just waited to pull him down until he became something dark and broken. The agony incinerating him until there was nothing left but a shattered and blubbering shell of his former self.

“Yes.”

One word and yet it carried a wealth of meaning. The euphoric expression that permeated Yoda’s face soon became a blur as long buried emotions fought their way past shields that had kept them ruthlessly squelched. Long reddish-gold lashes lowered as clawed fingers gently stroked a cheek damp with tears.

“Learn to love yourself again you must, before able to love another.” A knowing look entered the Jedi Master’s gaze as he tapped a nail against the golden torque that adorned Obi-Wan’s neck.

“Can you read it?" Obi-Wan asked, excited at the prospect of uncovering the meaning of the engraving.

“Ancient Sith script it is,” Yoda explained. “Not my place to translate it for you. Steal that from Xanatos I will not.”

Chuckling at the deflated expression on Obi-Wan’s face, Yoda gave his arm a sharp pinch. “Much to do. Concentrate you must.”

Dully chastised, Obi-Wan offered the ancient master a smile filled with genuine gladness as he once again prepared to became a student.

"Miss you I have," he finally admitted.

Yoda's answering smile warmed a place in his heart that had long been silent.