Clutching My Cure

Chapter Forty-Six


The Gardens were blessedly quiet, devoid of Jedi except for the lone figure who sat on a bench. Eyes closed, he was immersed in meditation, the tranquility of the scenery aiding him in his attempt to find a level of peace. Although he’d come far the last few days, there were still a host of unresolved issues that needed to be dealt with before he could make any type of decision regarding the direction his life was going to take once he left the Temple.

Obi-Wan blew out a cleansing breath and opened his eyes. As he gazed around at his surroundings, he pondered those issues. He could admit to himself now that he was deeply in love with Xanatos and wanted to spend the rest of his life with the fallen Jedi. But he’d also realized that he wanted to move the bulk of his business here to Coruscant where he could remain in close contact with his friends at the Temple. Master Yoda and he had also discussed having continued visits to assure that Obi-Wan progressed in his emotional healing.

Xanatos would no doubt have a strong negative reaction to the choices he was making. Telos was the fallen Jedi’s home base and far enough away from the Jedi and Coruscant to escape any unwanted attention. Obi-Wan had little hope that his lover would be open to relocating to the city planet, in truth, he knew it would be asking far too much and he had already made countless demands from the older man. Even so, it was something Obi-Wan felt very strongly about and he was determined to find a permanent home on Coruscant once he left the Temple.

“Am I intruding?”

The deep voice spoke with a hesitancy that seemed almost surreal. Obi-Wan had never known this man to be uncertain about anything during the short time he’d been his apprentice. Qui-Gon Jinn swept through life with a confidence and strength of conviction that would be annoying coming from anyone else. Shifting on the bench, Obi-Wan offered the Jedi Master a lopsided grin.

“No. I was just finishing up.” He gestured toward the open space beside him. “I’m glad to see you actually. I’m leaving in the morning and wanted a chance to speak with you in private.”

Emotions chased themselves across the regale features as the Jedi Master took a seat next to him. Obi-Wan smiled inwardly as he was forced to tilt his head back to meet the other man’s gaze. Even after eight years, Qui-Gon still managed to make him feel slightly intimidated and uncertain in himself and his abilities.

“I remember when I was very young and you were forced to visit the creche. I think you and Xanatos had brought an initiate you discovered on your last mission to the Temple and were delivering the child. I can still picture it vividly, the two of you striding amongst the children with serious expressions on your faces. I was in awe of the two of you and I don’t think that feeling ever left me, even after I became your apprentice.” Obi-Wan shrugged self consciously. “You’ve always been larger than life to me.”

Qui-Gon turned away but not before Obi-Wan saw the glimmer of tears in his eyes. “Until Melida/Daan.”

“I won’t lie. That was an eye opening moment for a thirteen year old,” Obi-Wan admitted quietly. “I made a terrible choice, I know that.”

“But you were just a child and I should never have left you alone on a war torn planet.” Qui-Gon’s voice was thick with regret and sorrow, his gaze tortured as it once again swung toward his former apprentice. “I’ve continued to make excuses for what I did that day, but running from it is only hurting us both even more. I made an unforgivable decision that was fueled by hurt and anger. Nothing I can say or do can ever repay you for what my actions cost you, Obi-Wan. Still, I want to tell you how sorry I am.”

Seeing the remorse that filled pale blue eyes, Obi-Wan found himself smiling. Although they were merely words the apology was the missing link in his recovery and he felt freed of the specter of his abuser for the first time.

“Thank you for that. I think I just needed my pain and loss to be validated. I needed you to ackknowledge the role you played in what happened to me back then.”

Qui-Gon seemed relieved by his words and relaxed slightly. “I wish there were some way I could make it up to you.”

“You already have.” Obi-Wan chuckled at the puzzled look of surprise his words drew. “You somehow managed to mold Bruck into a different person, a person who has become a good friend when I’ve needed him the most.”

Touched by the praise, Qui-Gon bowed his head in acceptance. “I’m glad the two of you have formed a strong bond of friendship. Obi-Wan, is there anyway you would consider returning to the Jedi in some capacity? Master Yoda assures me that if you so desired, the Council would be open to having you come back to complete your training.”

Obi-Wan drew back in shocked surprise, his eyes rounding comically. “You’ve got to be kidding me?”

“I’m serious. It’s obvious from our brief dealings with one another that you still walk the path of Light.”

The younger man was shaking his head even before he finished speaking. “I’m not the boy you remember. I’ve killed in anger, stolen from beings, lied and cheated in order to get what I wanted. I welcome the embrace of the Darkside and employ its secrets when needed. And I no longer believe what the Order stands for. Although I’m uncertain where I’m going, I do know for sure that my place is no longer within these walls.”

It was clear that his admission was unpleasant for the Jedi Master to hear. Qui-Gon turned to stare soberly out at the gardens as he gathered his thoughts.

“I assume you plan to go with Xanatos when you leave here?”

“Xan and I have our own issues to deal with before anything is decided for certain. I’ve made him wait and I’ve no doubt that he will make me pay a price for that.”

Qui-Gon’s lips twitched at the droll words. “Xan was never one to be denied what he wanted. I spoiled him rotten and overlooked his failings, and in the end he was my greatest weakness.”

Multi-hued eyes flashed with jealousy but it was quickly shielded from the Jedi Master’s piercing gaze. “You love him?”

“Yes,” Qui-Gon admitted, noting the way his former apprentice winced. “He will always hold a special place in my heart, as will you. He made it very clear before he released Bruck and I that you have claimed his love.”

He smiled inwardly at the satisfied expression that flashed across the handsome features. “My greatest hope is that the two of you work things out.”

“Thank you, Master Qui-Gon.”

Obi-Wan could see that his formal words saddened the Jedi Master but he didn’t regret them. Although he was at peace with Qui-Gon Jinn and the part he’d played in the most traumatic events in Obi-Wan’s life, he would never feel particulary comfortable around his former mentor. He could now be polite and corteous when dealing with Qui-Gon, but they would never establish any type of relationship beyond the passing aquaintance they would need as important figures in Bruck’s life.

As if sensing his thoughts, Qui-Gon smiled sadly and closed his eyes in meditation. Content to sit and keep him company, Obi-Wan turned to stare out at the lush scenery and ponder his forthcoming reunion with Xanatos.