A past that never is

Warning: Mention of rape and explicit sex.

Oh yeah and before I forget again, Cass’s kids belong to whoever made them up but the names Strafe and Jade are mine.

I sat back in the chair; I had never felt like this before. I knew that Cass wasn’t so upset about me and Roland being together, but I don’t think she wanted us to see that. Finally though the meal ended and Cass went to put Strafe and Jade to bed, I hadn’t realised how late it was and I was not sure whether I should stay here, in my old room, or go with Roland to one of the quarters for ships crews. Roland glanced at me, and I knew that he knew what I was thinking.

“It’s okay if you want to stay here, I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want yet.” He said. I shook my head once.

“That’s not it. It’s something else, I-” I broke off as Cass rejoined us.

“How long is the Hammer going to be docked for?” Cass asked.

“A few days. The crew need a break.” Roland replied. He stood up and grabbed his bag, then looked back at Cass.

“The meal was great, Cass. But I really need to get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow, Shifter.” He bent to kiss me and then walked out the door. Cass sat back down in the chair and stared at I until I finally met her eyes.

“What?” I asked, a little defensively. Cass shook her head and stood up.

“You just spent an hour convincing me that you loved him and then you let him leave here on his own. Why didn’t you go with him?”

“Because I...” I never finished my question, instead snatching up my bag and ran out the door, then stuck my head back around the door.

“Thanks, Cass.” I said, before dashing out again. Moments later I was outside his door, I wasn’t sure what to do so I just knocked, the door opened and when he saw that it was me, he smiled.

“Shifter, I’m glad you came up here.” He said, and he did sound genuinely happy that I had come here. Not trusting myself to speak I just nodded. He pulled the door open wider and gestured me inside. The quarters were pretty spare, consisting of a small kitchen/eating/sitting area and a door in the back, which presumably led back into the bedroom and bathroom. I put my bag in one of the chairs and then sat down in it, he sat on the small couch, and I looked around the room. That’s my problem you see, if there’s something bothering me I don’t want to talk about it, instead I’ll pretend that nothing is wrong. But of course Roland saw past that.

“What is it?” He asked. *Why does most of my life consist of questions I’d rather not answer?* I thought.

“Nothing.” I mumbled. He of course wasn’t fooled for a second; he just raised one eyebrow and waited for me to tell him what was really going on.

“You wouldn’t understand.” I whispered. He shrugged his shoulders.

“Maybe not, but how can you know that for sure unless you tell me what it is?” He said simply. I sighed and my shoulders slumped.

“People who are together always seem to want to...” I blushed fiercely, but he seemed to understand what I meant because he nodded. I didn’t want to look him in the eyes, so instead I stared at his chest.

“You already know what the machines did to me...that they raped me.” I said. He nodded again.

“Well everyone else seems to want to do it, but I’m not sure if I can. I’m sorry, what they did to me back then makes me fear and question everything I do in live now. And I don’t know if I can do that, not yet.” And finally I did look up at his face, instead of seeing the disappointed, even angry look that I expected I saw sadness. He came over to me and sat down on the armrest of the chair, he took both my hands in his.

“I can’t say that I blame you. And I’m not going to say that I understand how it feels, because I don’t. What I do want you to know is that I do love you and I would never hurt you like they did.” He said. I leaned against him and he draped one arm over my shoulder. After a while I stood up.

“How about we get some sleep?” I suggested. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but he joined me anyway. We climbed into the; what was supposed to be a double/king size bed, but looked more like a slightly larger than normal single bed. He fell asleep before I did; I lay on my back staring up at the ceiling. I wish I could have told Roland what he probably wanted to hear, but I couldn’t, I turned over on my stomach and punched the pillow in frustration, before burying falling on top of it. *Why me? What did I do to deserve this? * I thought. I lay back down on my side, facing Roland and buried my face in his chest, I could smell him. But after a moment I realized that I probably wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight, I sat up on the edge of the bed. Maybe this was a mistake, I thought. I didn’t know what I was trying to do.

“Can’t sleep?” Rolands sleepy voice interrupted my thoughts. I nodded, but didn’t say anything or turn to look at him. He reached his hands to my shoulders and I leaned back into his massaging hands.

“It’s not as bad as you think it is. The first time with a new person is always difficult.” He murmured into her hair.

“You know I want you. Don’t you want me?”

“It’s isn’t that, Roland. But I...” She was cut off as he turned her face to his and kissed her hard on the lips.

“No...I...Roland, I don’t want to do this now. I told you.” The words were barely a whisper.

“Who said I was Roland?” A newer, mechanical sounding voice asked. She jerked away, staring in horror; metallic tentacles shot out and caught her arms, pulling her back to the sentinel. She fought against it, beating her fists against its metal skin, to no avail.

“Stop it!” My voice was filled with panic, just like it used to be when I was a child, fighting against a tormentor who was stronger and faster than me. Ignoring my pleas for mercy, the sentinel forced my legs open and ripped at my sleep pants. I wriggled against him, trying desperately to get away. Its tentacles groped at me, shoving their way inside me.

“Let me go!” My voice was choked in terror. I hit it again and again with my fists, until my knuckles were bloodied, but it kept ramming its tentacle into me...and my eyes snapped open, to stare up into the eye of Roland, who I scooted away from. I wanted to believe that this was the real Roland and not some machine that would suddenly change on me again, I could see by the worry on his face that he didn’t know what was going on.

“Another nightmare?” He asked gently, I glared at him.

“You know it was, you were there.” I ground out.

“What...?” He had a clear look of confusion on his face now.

“What happened?” He didn’t move any closer to me, but rather kept his distance.

“You know what happened, you were fuc...you weren’t were you? Shit.” I laid my head on my updrawn knees. Shit, how the hell am I supposed to be able to tell what’s real and what isn’t? I thought.

“What...? I don’t understand, Shifter I wasn’t what?” He looked genuinely confused now.

“Nothing. It’s not important, just a worse than usual nightmare that’s all. I’ll be fine.” I tried to smile at him, but somehow I didn’t quite make it.

“If it bothered you that much then it’s not nothing.” He said.

“Look if you don’t want to talk about it then I won’t push you, but I think that it involves me in some way, am I right?” I nodded slowly, refusing to meet his eyes. He just waited for me to continue.

“You and me we were kissing and then you turned into a sentinel and you...” I trailed off, but he understood what I wasn’t saying. I crawled across the bed towards him and laid my head down in his lap, I could feel him curling his fingers in my hair. After a moment I sat up and pulled myself closer to him kissing him, but he pulled back.

“What are you doing?” He asked, somewhat surprised.

“What does it look like? I want you, Roland and I refuse to live my life as the machines would have me.” I replied. I saw his jaw clench tightly and he looked away then back at me.

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

“More than anything. You don’t want to?”

“I didn’t say that, I just want to be sure that you’re not doing something because you’re worried about what I or anyone else will think.” He said quietly.

“I am sure.” I kissed him again, harder than before. Almost tentatively his hand reached up to cup my breast in his hand, the other hand pulling my face closer to his.

“Wait, wait.” I said. He almost didn’t catch my words, and reluctantly he pulled back.

“What is it?” He asked. I blushed, not quite knowing how to reply. Be honest with him, a small voice said.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I...” I didn’t know how to finish. He smiled at me.

“Don’t worry. Let me show you that this doesn’t have to hurt.” He said. My breath caught in my throat and I nodded.

“Okay.” I whispered. His grabbed the bottom of my sleep shirt and pulled it over my head, revealing my breasts, he tossed the shirt aside and his hand went back to my breast this time he gripped my nipple between his fingers and squeezed it lightly, sending a bolt of pleasure through me. He removed his hand and took my nipple into his mouth and started sucking slowly. His hand moved lower and he untied the string in my pants.

“Lie back.” He instructed softly. I lay back, unsure of what he was going to do; he pulled the pants off me. He brought his lips back to mine for a quick kiss, I could feel his hand moving down my stomach and between my legs, and I stiffened slightly at this intrusion.

“Relax. I won’t hurt you.” Roland whispered in my ear. I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to, but it wasn’t easy. He pulled back from me and pulled off his own shirt and then his pants, then he started trailing his lips down my body, stopping to suck each nipple into his mouth on his downward journey, sending a tingling feeling through my body. I arched my back against him, begging for more, but he continued moving down and he finally reached his destination, his hands held my hips, as he slowly started to kiss me down there, then his mouth reached my clit, which he started sucking. Sending ripples of pleasure through me, he continued doing that for what felt like a very long time, then I felt his tongue enter me and I almost jerked right off the bed with the sensation, but his hands held me down, he drove his tongue in and out slowly at first and then started picking up speed. I writhed beneath his hands, until I thought I could take no more. He sat back on his knees, then leaned down bringing his lips to mine and I could taste myself on his lips, I could still feel the aftereffects tingling throughout me. For a moment it seemed as though he was suspended over me, then he entered me slowly. I cried out in pain, but after a while it didn’t hurt so much, and I even started to enjoy the feeling. He started moving slowly at first and then he started thrusting into me a little faster, and the feeling of pleasure increased with each thrust of his body. I started to move with his rhythm and soon we were moving as if we were one, until finally with one final thrust we finally came together and he collapsed on top of me, to roll off and lie next to me. Both our breathing was ragged, he turned to face me and I smiled at him.

“I didn’t know it could be like that, thank you.” I whispered. Sharing the feeling of bliss, he smiled back at me and I moved closer to him, curling up in his arms. We fell asleep in each others arms.