PotC MST

For the record, I only have one more badfic. If anyone wants to write me something truely horrible, send it to AlienEeeter@yahoo.com
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Elizabeth, Jack, and Norrington crowded around on their knees in front of the coffee table, playing a game called scrabble that their captor had brought them. Will was laying on the fold-out couch, staring at the ceiling.

“You can play if you’re bored,” Jack invited again, even as he spelled out ‘sloshed’ on the board, and took a drink of rum.

“I don’t want to.” Will answered. The truth was, as a blacksmith he didn’t get much schooling and was therefore a terrible speller.

Elizabeth put down the word ‘gusset.’ “Triple word score!”

Norrington rolled his eyes as he picked up the pencil and calculated her new score. “I cant believe she’s beating us…”

Jack looked at Elizabeth’s word. “It sounds kind of dirty. Can you use it in a sentence?”

“It’s not dirty!”

“Are you sure?”

“It’s a piece of metal used to reinforce joined beams,” Will told him, annoyed. “It’s not dirty.”

“Everything’s dirty to Jack,” their captor said, appearing silently behind the couch, wearing a foam rubber Wisconsin cheese hat.

“What is that on your head?” Jack asked.

“C’mon. You know as well as I that it’s all about the hat,” she said. “Here’s a story.”

“No more stories,” Will insisted. “I cant take it anymore.”

“It’s part of our deal. I help you save Jack from an untimely death, you read stories.”

“Come off it Will,” Elizabeth said. “It’s not that bad.”

“Well you get all the good parts! You got to be captain!”

“They make fun of all of us. Get over it and move on.”

>>>>>Jack and the Hat
by CreamLemon

>>>>>Once upon a time there was a pirate named Jake,

JACK: Who’s Jake?

>>>>and he was a good pirate and a good man. He had a neat hat that wasn’t as big as some people’s hats, but after all, it’s not the size that counts.

ELIZABETH: That’s debatable.

NORRINGTON: Well if that’s how you feel about it, you’re going to regret dumping me for these two.

ELIZABETH: Yeah, sure. With the way you carry on all the time, you’re obviously overcompensating. All three of you probably are.

JACK: If you would refrain from discussing my manhood when you have no idea what you’re talking about, my little virgin princess.

ELIZABETH: If you call me that again I’ll punch you in the nose.

>>>> Jack and his hat were captain of the Plack Pearl, which was the fastestest ship in the Caribbean.

>>>>>There were other pirates on the ship: there was Gibbs and Cotton, and Marty and Will. And then there was Elizabeth (AKA Mad Lizzy) and Ana Maria (AKA Royal Bitch Queen, and sometimes Honey Buns).

JACK: Ha! Your nickname sounds like a syphilitic prostitute.

ELIZABETH: You would know. You frequent enough of them.

NORRINGTON: I’m so glad I’m not in this story.

>>>>>“Take the wheel, Elizabeth,” Jack told her one day. “I need to stare out into the ocean and contemplate my freedom.”

WILL: Lets just get on with it. Elizabeth makes me her man-bitch, I fall in love with Jack, and dress in drag for Norrington. There, all done. Lets go play Scrabble.

ELIZABETH: Oh, don’t be such a drama queen.

WILL: I am not a queen.

>>>>>“Yes sir, Captain.” she said, and took the wheel.

JACK: I like Mad Lizzy better than Elizabeth. She follows orders.

ELIZABETH: You know you want me just the way I am. Two peas in a pod and all.

WILL: Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH: I can tease him if I want.

NORRINGTON: Yeah, it’s all she ever does.

>>>>>Jack crossed the deck to lean against the railing of the ship. It had seen better days, the wood was chipped and splintered, and here and there the ship leaked, and had to be bailed out every couple of days. But she was a good ship, a strong ship, much like Jack and his hat. He stared out into the horizon.

JACK: That actually wasn’t a bad description. These writers are losing their touch.

>>>>>Meanwhile Ana Maria had come up to Elizabeth at the wheel. “Hello pet,” Ana Maria said to Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH: Don’t ‘hello pet’ me.

NORRINGTON: Ah. I see we’ve hit a nerve.

ELIZABETH: I don’t like that woman. She treated me like I was some sort of damsel in distress to be rescued.

WILL: Well, when you first met, that was exactly what you were. (Elizabeth shot him a fiery look) Of course, you handled the situation very well.

>>>>>>“Hi Ana Maria.”
“Let me do that--you work to hard.”
“That’s very sweet of you, but I can handle the Pearl.”

ELIZABETH: That’s not all I can handle.

JACK: You wish.

NORRINGTON: We all wish.

WILL: That’s enough. I wont have you talking about Elizabeth like that. I’m the one Elizabeth agreed to marry.

NORRINGTON: She agreed to marry me first.

JACK: He has a point.

ELIZABETH: I’m not married to anybody! I can do what I want.

>>>>>“Begging your pardon, but not many people can ‘handle’ the Black Pearl. It takes strength and cunning, it takes a soft touch, and a willingness to do whatever it takes.”

JACK: Are we still talking about the ship here?

>>>>“I’m up for it.”

NORRINGTON: I hope not.

ELIZABETH: Knowing the direction these stories tend to go in…

>>>>>>>“I don’t think you are. After all, your nickname is Mad Lizzy. Mine is Royal Bitch Queen. That means I have the power, and I should be the one in charge.”

JACK: Royal Bitch Queen is a good name for her. If we ever get out of here I’ll call her that. She’ll like it.

ELIZABETH: Probably.

>>>>>“You just want power. The wheel wont give you that.”
“Silly girl. You know nothing. Now give it!”

NORRINGTON: That’s some high quality writing there.

>>>>>>Ana wrenched the wheel away from Lizzy, but Elizabeth grabbed back, spinning it almost completely around, causing the ship to lurch and make a sudden left-hand turn.
Jack lurched at the sudden movement, and his hat flew off his head and into the churning waters below. “My hat!!!!!!!!!”

>>>>>>He tried to jump in after it, but Will pulled him back. “It’s just a hat, Jack.”

WILL: No! Why did I stop him? We could have gotten rid of him for good.

NORRINGTON: wouldn’t that be nice?

>>>>>>“It’s not just a hat,” Jack sniffed, near tears.

********

>>>>>That night Ana crept into Jack’s cabin, sliding into bed next to him. “Go away, HoneyBuns,” Jack said, pulling away.

ELIZABETH: No way! Why isn’t it me or Will? I would have liked to see this scene with Will.

WILL: Stop it, Elizabeth.

>>>>“I came to comfort you.”
“Nothing can comfort me. My hat’s gone. I feel like I’ve been castrated.”

WILL: Better him than me. Finally.

JACK: I dont think I like this story as much as the others.

>>>>>>She reached under the covers to grab him. “No, eveythings still intact. Let me take care of you.” But no matter what she did, she couldn’t get him up. “Ow, Jack. My jaw has never been this sore in my life. What the hell is wrong with you?”

ELIZABETH: Poor Jack.

JACK: Is it over yet?

>>>>>>“It’s my hat. It’s the sorce of all my power. In a few days I wont be sexy anymore, I’ll start looking my age, the last 30 years of drinking rum will pickle my liver and my brain overnight, and someone else will take over the ship.”

>>>>>“Wow. That’s just. . .neat.”

ELIZABETH: And you’re sleeping with this woman?

JACK: Hey, you would too…evil is relative when a woman looks like that.

*****

>>>>>>“We have to go back for the hat,” Elizabeth said the next morning. “I’m too fashionable to crew on a ship with a captain who look his age and has a pickled brain.”

JACK: My brain is not pickled.

ALL: Yes it is.

>>>>>>>“We wont,” Ana Maria said. But the crew took a vote, and they returned to the spot where Jack had lost his hat. All the men went out in boats. After three days they hadn’t found it, and Jack was a fat, wrinkly drunk who couldn’t string a whole sentence any more.

WILL: I think I like this version of Jack Sparrow.

NORRINGTON: Here, here.

ELIZABETH: Well I don’t! What good is he if he’s not pretty to look at.

JACK: Is that I all am to you? Eye candy?

ELIZABETH: Yes.

JACK: Just so I’m clear on the matter.

>>>>>>>Ana Maria was getting more and more gleeful. If Jack were incapacitated she could take over the ship and be Captain Royal Bitch Queen. Which is why it was important that the hat be found, so that she may possess it’s power and rule the Pearl with an IRON FIST. The first thing she would do is put that haughty Mad Lizzy in her place.

JACK: I wouldn’t mind seeing that scene.

ELIZABETH: Wait a minute--I thought she didn’t want the hat around at all.

WILL: She changed her mind.

*****

>>>>>Will knew that it was almost over for Jack, even if they found the hat. That’s why when he saw it floating right next to his boat, he was able to scoop it up without anyone noticing.

ELIZABETH: Saving the day as usual. That’s why I love him.

WILL: Oh, Elizabeth.

NORRINGTON: If you start kissing again I will throw up all over you both.

>>>>>Jack was a comatose slob when they returned at dusk.

WILL: And this is abnormal how?

>>>>>>“Everybody,” Gibbs said, “It’s time to face facts. Jack is no longer capable of running this ship. I nominate Ana Maria to be our new captain.” He said this with a special glint in his eye--you see Ana wasn’t just sleeping with Jack, and she had promised Gibbs all the kinky sex he wanted if he helped her become captain.

JACK: Gibbs wouldn’t fall for that. . .well, maybe.

>>>>>>A few people agreed, but Will stepped forward in the crowd, slapping the wet hat on his head. “I’m taking control of this boat and of the hat. If anyone would like to protest, you can meet the end of my sword. He drew the long saber and swished it around menacingly. Everyone stepped back.

WILL: I like this story.

ELIZABETH: How could you do that to Jack?

WILL: He leaves me for dead all the time! It’s only right that I finally get back at him.

>>>>“GIve it back to Jack!” Elizabeth screamed at him.
“Why?”

>>>>>“Because I used to love him, but now he’s all ugly, and incontinent and if you give it back he’ll be beautiful again.”

WILL: (sniggering) incontinent. I guess the best man won this time.

>>>>>“Oh,” said Will, “But I think you want me more.” ANd the power of the hat took over, and elizabeth knew that this was true. It wasn’t Jack she loved. IT was the sexual power of the hat.

NORRINGTON: I knew it wasn’t his winning personality that got him women.

JACK: Well of course not. I get them drunk. I almost had Lizzy here back when we were marooned on that island.

ELIZABETH: You did not.

>>>>>“Oh, WILL!!! Ravish me!”

>>>>>The only person who was not impressed was Anamaria. She had always been immune to the hat. Instead she retreated into Jack’s cabin to pout.

>>>>>In the end Jack died, and Will ruled the Pearl with Elizabeth at his side, and he became the greatest pirate threat in the Caribbean. Eventually everyone forgot about Jack Sparrow, and even Ana Maria gave up her dreams of controlling the pearl, and commited suicide in the rigging one night after drinking too much rum and thinking about the dead Jack Sparrow.

“That was the best story we’ve read so far,” Will said, finally in a good mood.

“I’d rather be gay,” Jack said, retreating back to the scrabble board. “And this one didn’t have enough sex.”

“I know.” Elizabeth sat down opposite him. “It’s your turn, Jimmy.”

“Don’t call me that.”