Hang On To Me

All previous disclaimers apply.

For the first time in a week, he was able to come awake slowly, allowing himself the indulgence of simply laying and thinking before he even had to open his eyes. What was different? He listened for a moment. It was a relief, but a little bit of an unusual one, to wake to the sound of birds instead of the sounds of a hospital busy around him. Oh, yeah. He stretched a little and made a sound of contentment from the back of his throat. He had come home from the hospital last night, more than a little sore still and not looking forward to the daunting task of having to climb the stairs up to his room because he didn’t want to ask anyone for help getting up. But, he hadn’t even had to ask. Chad had been there by his side, as he had been constantly for the past week, and must have seen the look on his face as they had entered the door. He had simply swooped Ryan up in his arms, bridal style, and carried him up the stairs, all the while nuzzling his hair. Ryan was a little fuzzy on what had happened next because the pain meds he had taken before he left the hospital had kicked in just about then and he had laid his head on Chad’s shoulder and fallen asleep. Chad must have put him to bed. He smiled contentedly and opened his eyes when he heard a deep sigh and a hand that did not belong to him came to rest on his stomach. He turned over slowly, careful of his ribs, still extremely sore, to see Chad sleeping quietly next to him. Chad had almost never left him while he was in the hospital, often laying in the bed with him so that they were as close as possible. It seemed even in sleep Chad wanted to be close to him. The hand that had been on his stomach curled around his arm and Chad snuggled closer so that his face was buried in the crook between Ryan’s neck and shoulder.

Ryan smiled. Was it unusual how much he loved this boy? Should he be scared that this was all happening too fast? Fast? He scoffed inwardly for a moment. How could he say that things had happened fast? He and Chad had been together, in one way or another, for nearly nine months. But, things had accelerated in the past week, he had to admit. In the last week alone, Chad had come out of the closet, not only to his family, but to his friends, he had been introduced to Chad’s family and Chad to his, and they had gone from having no title to being fully out boyfriends. Boyfriends. Ryan liked the sound of that. He ran his hand, careful of his cast, over Chad’s abundant hair. It was true. Chad was his much loved boyfriend. He knew the wisest thing to do would be to question Chad’s affections for him as well, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Chad had outed himself without a second thought when Ryan got hurt. He had since stayed with Ryan, never once denying what they were to each other. Ryan knew without doubt that he loved Chad. Even if Chad couldn’t say it back yet, he knew Chad loved him as well. They were in love with each other and it was a feeling unlike any other he’d ever known. He could wait until Chad was really ready to say it out loud.

“Hmm…” Chad groaned softly as he was coming awake. Ryan only smiled when Chad looked up at him, sleep still clouding his vision. Chad continued to look at him, blinked a couple of times, and waited for the clouds to clear from his mind. As soon as they did, he smiled back at Ryan, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Ryan responded quietly.

“You hurting?” Chad asked, propping himself up on one elbow, “Do you need me to go get you some of your pain meds?”

“Not yet,” Ryan leaned closer to Chad and wrapped his arm around his waist. Chad chuckled and laid back down so that they could hold each other close.

“I think I like this,” Chad murmured after a while.

“What?”

“Waking up next to you.”

Ryan laughed a little and buried his face in Chad’s shirt, “I can’t believe my parents actually let you stay all night in my bed.”

“Yeah, well…” Chad trailed off then grinned wickedly, “I didn’t give them much of a choice. I pretended to be asleep when they came up to get me.”

“Liar. You weren’t pretending.”

“You’re right,” Chad laughed, “I really was asleep. Can you blame me? I carried you upstairs. No small feat, considering how much you weigh.”

“Remember that thing you like so much. You know… sex? You ever want it again?”

“Ouch.” Chad ran his hand up and down Ryan’s back, “Low blow. Okay… I promise never to make another comment about your weight ever,” He hesitated for a moment, “After this. You really need to eat more, Ry. You’re light as a feather.”

“You’re worried about my weight?” Ryan asked, unsure why the tears were coming into his eyes. All the other guys he’d dated, granted there weren’t many, but all of them had always told Ryan how much they loved how thin he was. Even when he’d been dangerously thin, enough that his parents were worried and thinking of sending him away to a camp for his health, he’d thought that guys wouldn’t like him as much if he put on even the slightest bit of weight. But, here was Chad, his wonderful boyfriend, more concerned with his health than his appearance. Ryan held on tighter.

“Well, yeah. I know you’re a dancer and all, and dancers need to watch their weight, but you’re so light. I never noticed before. I’m just… afraid I’ll hurt you accidently or something.”

“Chad, I’ve been in the hospital for a week. Not exactly a place to be gaining weight. But, I promise I’ll watch it. I did the dangerous skinny thing for a while. But, with you I don’t feel like I have to. I’ll always be thin, Chad. A dancer has to be. But, I promise I won’t starve myself for anything.”

“Just because it worries me?” Chad asked, an eyebrow up.

“No. For me, too. But, especially because it worries you.”

“Thanks, Ry.” Chad nuzzled his hair, “Mama wants to have you over for dinner soon, too. I think she has the same idea about putting some meat on you.” They cuddled for a few more minutes until Chad found the words that he felt he needed to say. He ran his fingers through the hair at the nape of Ryan’s neck, “Ryan?”

“Yeah?” Ryan’s voice was slow and quiet as he was nearly asleep again.

“I was really scared when all of this happened. Are the doctors really sure it’ll never happen again?”

“Well, they can’t be one hundred percent certain, Chad. But, they monitored my heart for six days and not once did my arteries contract again. They’re pretty sure it was just a fluke. Something they can’t explain. But, you need a why, don’t you? To feel better?”

“It’s just… healthy regular hearts just don’t… and you’re only in high school… and you’re perfect. I just don’t get it. And not getting it just makes me scared. Does that sound completely lame?”

“No,” Ryan sat up a little and pressed their lips together gently, “It sounds really sweet.”

“Are you still going to be able to dance? How you want to, I mean? Real ballet’s really, really hard stuff, Ry. Stressful on the body.”

“How do you know that?”

“I looked it up on the internet. Some of the things those guys do, it’s just freaky.”

“No, not that. How did you know what I really want to do is ballet?”

“It’s just… I’ve seen you rehearse. You like being on the stage, but there’s something different when you’re just doing full out ballet. You’re happiest then. I can see it in the way you move, the way close your eyes in the moment, the way you smile when you’re done. Peaceful.”

“Chad,” Ryan was at a loss for words for a moment, “When…”

“Did I see you dance?”

“Yeah.”

“All summer at Lava Springs. I used to watch you when you didn’t know it. I pulled you into that closet after you had finished with some ballet because I just couldn’t handle how beautiful you were without doing something about it.”

“Chad,” Ryan took a chance, forgetting his ribs, and rolled quickly so that Chad was under him. He sat up, looked Chad in the eye for a moment, saw the truth there, and pressed his lips to Chad’s collar bone. Chad moaned and linked the fingers on both their hands, “I’m going to tell you something now, Chad, and you don’t have to say it back, but I need to get it out before I explode.” He paused, took a deep breath, “I love you.”

“Ryan,” Chad loosened his grip on one of Ryan’s hands so that he could cup Ryan’s cheek, “I’ve tried showing you a million different ways. I thought you could get it just from that because I was scared of the words. I’m not scared anymore, Ry. Life’s too short to be scared like that. I think last week kind of proved that. I love you, too.”

Ryan leaned back down and captured Chad’s lips with his own. The kiss was sweet, chaste almost, and only lasted a few seconds until Ryan had to pull away on a hiss of pain.

Chad chuckled and gently moved so that Ryan was laying flat on his back again, “How about those pain meds now?”

“Yeah, maybe,” Ryan smiled, though he was still a little too pale for Chad’s liking.

“Great. I’ll be right back, baby.” He crawled out of the bed and started toward the door when Ryan’s soft voice made him turn around.

“Chad?”

“Hmm?”

“The answer is yes. The doctors said that as long as I build up to it slowly, I’ll be able to dance any way I want.”

“Good,” Chad sighed in relief and moved back to give him a brief kiss, “I was scared that it would get taken away from you. I… more than anything I want you to be happy, Ryan.”

“I am happy, Chad,” Ryan smiled, “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Chad smiled back softly, “I’ll be right back.”