Secret Boxes

Jack stood motionless for a few moments. He was so stunned, confused and wary. He could feel his hope surging back inside him, filling him rapidly. He tried to stop it, because he knew he would only end up getting hurt again if he did, but he simply couldn’t help it.

He remembered he was holding something when he nearly dropped it. He sat on the edge of the bed and began to look at the contents. He was shocked by what he found inside. He picked up the first note and read it.

Jack, I miss you so much. Wish you were with me now, Ennis

Jack, I really want that sweet life with you, but I’m scared if we do, you’ll end up hurt. I can’t risk you dying because of me. I’m so sorry, Please forgive me. Ennis

Dear Jack, I wish I could say this to you. But, I just can’t. Don’t know why. I love you so much. Love Ennis

You are so beautiful Jack. I wish I could touch and see you all the time. Love Ennis

Jack, You have the most amazing eyes. So blue, so beautiful. Love Ennis

Jack, I love your laugh, your smile. Always makes me so happy to see them. Want to see them more. Love Ennis

Jack, I want to make love to you forever. Love Ennis

Jack, I want to wake up beside you every day. Want you to be the thing I see before I go to sleep and when I first wake up. Love Ennis

Jack, I want to be with you forever. Love Ennis

Over and over the same things. There had to be close to 100 of them. Jack was shaking hard, tears streaming. He found every postcard he’d sent to him also in the box. All in date order, carefully tied with string. Jack felt like his heart was going to give out, it was beating so fast. A noticed a similar pack, but this one was postcards of every place they had visited. On the back, was the date of the trip, and a little note of how well it had gone. As he read them, hundreds of memories swarmed in his mind, making him dizzy.

27.11.68
Jack looked so excited to see me. He was smiling so big. We made love almost straight away. We talked and joked a lot. Showed me his new harmonica. He thinks he lost his old one. He played some. Wouldn’t tell him how I love to watch him do that, so teased him about it. Hard to say goodbye, didn’t want to leave him.

08.05.69
Jack was waiting for me. I was late. Gave me hell for it. We had a little scuffle then ended up laughing. He mentioned living together. I explained why not, I’m with Alma, got my girls, can’t just leave them. He got quiet for a while but then seemed to forget he mentioned it and was back to his old, playful self. Found it harder to say goodbye this time. Don’t know why.

15.11.69
Jack was late this time. Gave him hell for it. Ending up laughing hard about it. Never laughed so much in my life. We went skinny dipping. Fuckin’ cold but Jack look so good. He seemed really happy this trip. Made love 3 times on the last night. Wish I didn’t have to leave. I was so happy there with him

23.05.70
Most amazing time together. We talked a lot, Jack even sang. We rode all the time, watched the sunset and sunrise together, laughed all the time, made love several times a day. It was like being back on Brokeback. I didn’t want it to ever end. Wish it could be like that all the time.

6.11.70
He told me all about his daddy this trip. He got real upset. Think I heard him crying later. Wanted to just hold him, tell him it would be alright. We made love and I held him close all night. He cheered up the next morning and even managed to play a joke on me. Hid my jeans when I was washing in the river. Made me run around naked after him. It was like being 19 again.

17.05.71
He talked about living together again. Wish he wouldn’t. I want to but we can’t. Hurts me to see him so upset. He cheered up though and we had a good time the rest of the week. Jack’s smile was so bright most of the week, eyes sparkling all the time. Love seeing him happy more than anything.

01.03.72
Been a long time since we seen each other. We made love almost constantly the first two days, till we passed out in exhaustion. We talked about our families. Jack didn’t say much about Lureen but talked a lot about Bobby. Bet he’s a great dad. Would love to meet Bobby. Jack seemed a little down towards the end. Got really drunk one night and passed out. Something is bothering him but he won’t tell me what it is

09.11.72
Jack was really quiet the whole trip. Just spent the whole time drinking and smoking. Don’t know if he smiled after the first one he gave me. He seemed so distant, even when we made love he wasn’t he usual energetic self . He doesn’t seem happy anymore.

28.05.73
Had a fight about living together this time. He got real mad and stormed off. Was gone for hours. When he came back he looked like he’d been crying. We didn’t speak much for a while then when we did, he seemed like he wasn’t really interested. I hate to see him so upset. Want to see him happy. Wish I could make him happy.

28.10.73
Jack was a bit happier this time. He laughed and joked with me, we made love several times the first couple of days. Think I heard him crying again though. Don’t know what to do about it. Really wish he’d tell me what’s wrong. I’m really worried. He got real drunk again and stopped speaking to me the last day. He didn’t want to let go of me when we came to leave. I didn’t want to let go either.

10.05.74
Jack got real drunk this time. Spent most of the week drunk. Wish he wouldn’t drink so much. Mentioned living together again. Got real quiet when I told him no, got Alma and the girls to think of.. Heard him crying again later that night. Didn’t talk much after that. Wanted to see his smile but I didn’t. Leaving him was harder than ever this time. I think he’s slipping away from me

10.11.74
Jack acting really odd this time. Happy one minute, really quiet the next. Don’t know what’s going on. Told me how he and Lureen were fighting all the time. Maybe that’s what’s wrong. He went off alone for a while, said he needed to think about something. Never did find out what. When he came back, his eyes weren’t sparkling anymore. I’d give anything to see that light come back. Don’t think he loves me anymore, if he ever did.

13.04.75
Jack was happy to see me this time, but his eyes still didn’t have that sparkle. I really don’t know what to do to help him. Talked about living together again. Stormed off when I told him to stop asking me, that I couldn’t because of Alma, like I always tell him. He seemed real angry the rest of the trip, kept hearing him muttering to himself. Definitely heard him crying once in the middle of the night. I don’t know what to do. I’m losing him.

He read them all and he could see the way they were falling apart. He could see all the pain he’d been in, but more importantly, he could now see the pain Ennis had been feeling but never showed him. He had no idea Ennis was hurting so much as well.

A small metal object caught his eye. He recognised it immediately. It was his old harmonica that he had with him on Brokeback. It was dented and slightly rusted but he would know it anywhere. He really thought he’d lost that years ago. In a little plastic bag was a small lock of Jack’s hair, probably from the time when they’d given each other haircuts on one trip. Ennis had kept keepsakes from their times together, had kept keepsakes from Brokeback, just like Jack had with the shirts. He was over-whelmed by it all.

“Oh Ennis…Jesus Christ Cowboy” he breathed.

What struck Jack the most was how carefully everything had been kept. Like they were the most precious things in the world. Jack knew he had a similar box at home, which he kept in the garage with all his tools and fishing gear. Lureen never went anywhere near it, never went in the garage for anything. Always afraid of getting her clothes dirty or breaking her nails. Jack had lovingly kept every postcard Ennis had sent him too, the shirts were up in lightning flat, where they’d be safer. He didn’t have the notes that Ennis did, but he did have a little diary he’d kept, pretty much like the postcards Ennis had written, detailing their trips. Started it on the second trip in ’68. He had keepsakes he bought for them. There were dog tags with their names on, key rings, rings, records of songs they sung together when driving to the mountains, his old bandana that he’d used to clean Ennis’ injury when he got thrown off his horse when he came across the bear. Jack even had a lock of Ennis’ hair too, in his own little bag. Occasionally he would take it out, just to feel it, or smell it.

He really couldn’t believe that Ennis had a box like that too. He was shaking hard, sobbing almost uncontrollably. He could barely breathe, his head was swimming, he thought he was going to pass out or have a heart attack at any moment.

“Fuck…oh fuck…Ennis…Jesus”

*******

Out in the kitchen Ennis was pensive. He was pacing a little, smoking up a storm, the air was cloudy with it all. He went to the front door to open it and let some air in. He stood there, looking out, trying to calm himself. He wondered if he’d done the right thing, showing Jack his box. Wondered if it would be enough. He lit another cigarette and let the cold air clear his head. He knew he’d done the right thing. He knew he couldn’t say to Jack what he felt, so at least he could show him.

He hoped that Jack would understand all the things in there. As he thought of some of them, he smiled slightly. They brought back good memories. He thought of all the notes he written over the years. Things he wished he could say to Jack, things he wished he could tell him but never had the courage to. They were his way of showing himself that he did actually think these things. That they were real thoughts and feelings. Then he thought of all the postcards he bought and written on. Most of them were really happy ones, but over the last couple of years, they hadn’t been so good. Jack always seemed upset or angry. He also spent so much time drunk. He looked through them every night, re-living the moments he was happiest. Remembering all their happy times, most times he ended up either crying or wringing it out to those memories. As he looked back through them, he felt closer to Jack. That somehow he was right there with him even though he was hundreds of miles away.

At night he wondered if Jack ever thought of him. If, right at that same moment, he was lying awake in Texas thinking of him. Sometimes he fantasised that they were both wringing it out at the same time, in different states, thinking of the other. Though the act itself brought him temporary pleasure, the loneliness that followed nearly always consumed him. Caused him to cry until there were no more tears left in him. He missed Jack so much all the time but especially at night when he had nothing to distract him. He missed his laugh, his smile, his eyes. He missed the way Jack would joke around, the way he always made him feel important and special. The way he listened when he did talk, didn’t judge him, accepted him for who he was. He just wished he could be the man that Jack deserved. What made that worse was Ennis knew, that deep down, he could be that man, he was that man. The man who would tell Jack that he loved him, tell him how beautiful he was, how he cared so much for him. Who would hold him close to his heart forever. Who wanted to be with him forever.

The sound of the bedroom door opening, brought him out of his reverie. He took a deep breath, tossed the cigarette out into the night, watched the way the orange glow flew through the air to disappear into the earth and was consumed. He just hoped, he hadn’t done the same thing to the fire inside Jack.