What to Expect When You're Unexpected

Title: What to Expect When You’re Unexpected- Chapter 5
Rating: R (but only for occasional naughty language in this chapter and a bit of slashiness... finally!)
Pairing: Batman/Joker
WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.
Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker’s baby daddy.


Two Weeks Later

The Joker was propped up in bed in the room that the Bat had set up for him and Schiff, staring at his chest. There was no denying it. The two lumps were there.

The Joker had boobs.

And quite a nice rack if he did say so himself.

Batman (also known as Bruce Wayne, the Joker had recently learned), was staring unabashedly at the Joker’s new chest as well.

With a wicked grin, the Joker stroked his right breast , licking at his teeth. “See something you like, Big Boy?” he murmured.

“Guh,” was about the most intelligent thing the Bat could choke out. He shook his head violently. Focusing on the floor, he ran a nervous hand through his hair. “Er, we need to get you to a doctor to make sure the twins are all right,” he mumbled.

The Joker sat up on his elbows. “And, how do propose we do that, Daddy?” he smirked. “Bruce Wayne can’t just take me into the nearest doctor’s office. Might raise a few eyebrows.”

“Stop talking like that!” Batman barked.

“Like what?”

“Like Bruce Wayne is some other person, like someone I’m not.”

The Joker rolled his eyes. “I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but you are Batman. Bruce Wayne is just who you pretend to be to keep all of this… stuff,” the Joker gesticulated at the numerous computers and Bat-gear behind Batman. Rolling off the bed, the Joker sauntered up to the Bat. He playfully reached out and took Batman’s hand, placing it on his growing belly. Purring, the Joker started to stroke along the Bat’s arm. “You know what would feel great right about now?”

It was at this point that Schiff came into the room with the Joker’s breakfast.

The Joker could have shot him.

If Batman would allow him to keep any kind of weapons.

Schiff smiled brightly at the two men as he placed the tray of food on the dresser. “Time to eat, sir!” he grinned. “Have to keep the babies healthy!”

Grumbling under his breath, the Joker went over and started viciously eviscerating the insides of the grapefruit. “So, what’s this about a doctor, Batsy?” he asked. He would get his Bat, oh, yes he would! It would just have to wait now.

“I need to get you to a doctor to have you checked out. Make sure everything is… where it should be,” the Bat stumbled over his words as he watched in muted horror as the Joker attacked the toast with wonton abandonment. “God, I hate watching you eat.”

“Why?” the Joker asked, some of the toast spraying out.

Rubbing his eyes in frustration, the Bat groaned. “Just… never mind. I have an appointment set up for you this evening with Dr. Smyth.”

“Who?” The Joker started eating dripping fistfuls of grapefruit.

“The doctor who confirmed your pregnancy,” Batman explained. “He’s agreed to see you through this and not turn you into the police.”

“How much did that set you back, Batsy?” the Joker grinned viciously.

“Not all that much. The chance to study the world’s first pregnant male is apparently a very exciting prospect-“

“I am not some freak’s science experiment!” the Joker snarled, hurling grapefruit guts in Batman’s general direction.

“You’re not an experiment,” Batman attempted at placation, moving into at least get the food based projectiles out of the Joker’s reach. “But you are going to need to see a doctor-“

Grousing, the Joker licked the grapefruit juice off his fingers. “You had better be right.” He glanced over at Schiff who was setting out clothing on the bed. “What the hell is that?”

Schiff shifted nervously from foot to foot. He muttered under his breath.

“What. Is. That?” the Joker demanded, closing in on Schiff quickly.

Batman snickered as he picked up the offending article off of the bed. “It’s a bra,” he said, holding the red, lacy bra with the tips of his fingers and dangling it in front of the Joker’s face.

“I know what a bra is, shit head!” he yelled. “What is it doing here?”

Schiff started ringing his hands. “Actually, it’s a maternity bra, sir,” he explained. “I was reading that you will need one to prevent… you know… you know!”

“No, Schiff, I don’t.” The Joker was trying to get the bright red bra away from Batman. He had wanted to amuse the Bat, but this was not what the Joker had had in mind!

“Saggypostpartumbreasts,” Schiff nearly passed out.

The Joker froze. “What?” he mumbled.

“I was reading that if you don’t have proper support now in your pregnancy, your breasts will be saggy later on,” Schiff explained, desperately wishing the cave floor would swallow him up. “And if you have to wear a bra-“ and here Schiff started to whisper, “I thought you would want it to be a sexy one.”

For the first time, the Joker found himself wishing for death. Mostly for Schiff, but some death for him too, right now, would not be unwelcome.

Batman laughed.

No, actually that wasn’t right.

The Batman laughed so damned hard that he fell on the bed and had to hold his stomach, while gasping for breath. He managed to stop for a moment, caught sight of the bra again, and howled with laughter. He nearly pee-ed his damn $500 Bat Pants.

“Shut up,” the Joker muttered. The Batman did not comply. “I said shut up, Bat Daddy!” The Joker leapt at Batman and started slapping him anywhere that he could.

The two men wrestled with each other, both struggling for dominance. It didn’t help the Joker’s mood any that Batman continued to laugh.

Suddenly, the Joker found himself pressed with his back into the mattress with Batman looking down at him, torn between amusement and… something else. The Bat’s grip on his wrists was a weak one.

“Excuse the interruption-“

God damned Butler! The Joker groused.

“-but you are needed at Wayne Enterprises, sir,” Alfred cut in.

If the Joker didn’t know better, he could have sworn that Jeeves had waited for just that moment to come in. And it wasn’t the first time. Hell, he had almost gotten a kiss last time…

“Of course, Alfred,” Batman mumbled, standing up and straightening his suit. As he walked out, he glanced back at the Joker, he frowned. “See if you can come up with a suitable disguise for the Joker and Schiff so I can get them over to the hospital tonight.”

“Of course, sir.” Alfred glared pointedly at the Joker before leaving the two men to bras and breakfast. He was no fool. And he was going to make damned sure to interfere with the Joker’s plans for his Bat as much as possible.

Muttering, the Joker pulled off his t-shirt (a gift from Alfred. It was bright pink and read “Pregzilla” on it.). Well, no one wants saggy boobs. Least of all the Bat Man. Sighing, he pulled the bra on and, after several abortive attempts, managed to get the damned thing on.

The Joker stood and looked at himself in the mirror (made out of some difficult to break substance, of course). “Well, that’s not so bad,” he complimented himself. “And it’s a good fit too. Not bad for a guess, Schiff.”

Schiff’s eyes darted about. “I didn’t guess,” he muttered.

“Huh?”

“I measured you while you were sleeping and had Mr. Pennyworth order it for you.”

The Joker was stunned into silence for a moment.

“Now you’re starting to get kinda creepy, Schiff.”
* * * * * * * * * * *

Batman had to admit that Alfred had done a very good job with the Joker, who was sitting next to him in the Tumbler. Schiff had mysteriously decided to stay at home, forcing Batman to be alone with the Joker.

In drag.

Full on drag.

Complete with wig, stockings, purse…

“You… um, you look nice.” One would have thought that there was a gun pointed at Batman’s head to get that comment out of him.

That little fact went right over the Joker’s head as he beamed at Batman, straightening out imaginary wrinkles in his patterned wrap-dress. It wasn’t in his usual purples, but it was very flattering to the red wig. He hated not being able to go out in his war paint, but that nosy butler was right that he really didn’t want to bring unnecessary attention to himself. Especially not in his condition!

Batman pulled the Tumbler into the abandoned basement parking of the hospital. Dr. Smyth was waiting for them.

Batman managed to get out of the vehicle with relative ease. Getting the Joker out took some finesse, especially if he didn’t want the Joker to wind up on his ass… like he did earlier trying to get into the Tumbler earlier. He just had to wear the spiked heels.

Though, they did flatter the Joker’s calves nicely…

Not going there! I am sooo not going there! Batman berated himself as he helped the Joker get out as gracefully as a pregnant man in a dress could get out of the Tumbler.

Dr. Smyth was polite (and smart) enough not to make any comments until the Joker was standing up, clothing straightened out.

“Well, doctor, shall we do this then?” the Joker asked brightly, sounding oddly feminine.

The three walked into the mostly deserted hospital. They walked past the morgue. This was normally the Joker’s favorite place to go in any hospital.

Today, it made him nervous. He clutched at his belly as they walked by. “Where are we going, doctor?” he mumbled.

“It’s just a little bit farther,” Dr. Smyth explained. “I had an examination room prepared for you down here. Not that many people in this part of the hospital.” The doctor opened one of the doors and led his two guests in.

“Wait a minute.” The Joker dug his heels in, refusing to walk all of the way into the examination room. “What is this room used for?”

“It’s used for autopsies usually,” Smyth said bluntly. “Normally I would take a woman upstairs to be examined, but you aren’t a woman. More importantly, you are Gotham’s most wanted criminal. So, unless you want to spend the rest of your pregnancy locked up being poked and prodding like cattle-“ Smyth patted a gurney that he had set up for their use.

Grumbling, the Joker hopped up onto the gurney.

The doctor began his examination, listening to the Joker’s heart and what not. The Joker was feeling antsy. He balked when Smyth pulled out a needle and vials. “Oh, hell no,” he growled, trying to get off the gurney. Batman held him tight. “I’m not going to have any blood left!”

“Relax, the doctor knows what he’s doing,” Batman soothed.

“He had better,” the Joker bit out venomously. He used the opportunity to play damsel in distress and press himself into Batman’s chest, pretending he didn’t want to look when Smyth snapped the tourniquet on his arm and began drawing blood.

Batman unconsciously started to rub soothing circles on the Joker’s back. With a contented sigh, the Joker found himself relaxing into the Kevlar chest-

“All done!” Smyth announced, capping off the final vial.

Batman pulled away, letting the Joker fall back huffily on the bed. Why did everyone around him have such shitty timing lately? “Will that be all, doctor?” the Joker nearly spat.

“Well, if you like we can try to hear at least one of the babies’ heart beats,” Smyth offered, holding up a device.

“What’s that?” the Joker’s mood shifted to glee. Hear the babies?

“A Doppler. It’s still a bit early yet, but we may be able to hear something.”

“Well, let’s do this then,” the Joker enthused, slapping the gurney.

Smyth pushed the dress out of the way and pressed the one end of the device against the Joker’s stomach. Batman struggled not to start laughing that the Joker was wearing the matching red lacy panties. The Joker, meanwhile, held onto the speaker in near desperation.

At first, there was only the soft rushing noises of his own body.

Then-

Then-

Like a rapid drum beat, there it was.

A heartbeat.

“Listen, Batsy, listen! The baby… its heart… can you hear it?” the Joker squealed with almost childlike glee, pressing the speaker to Batman’s ear.

Batman was in awe. He stroked the Joker’s belly in what would appear to someone one who didn’t know better to be lovingly.

He was going to be a father. This was his baby’s heart beating.

Holy shit, this was really happening?

“Bats?” came from the distance.

Batman had forgotten to breathe and passed out.

Author note: if yer interested, I have a photo manip of the Pregzilla shirt you can look at: http://pics.livejournal.com/myrathorne/pic/00001tqp/