Hanging On

All previous disclaimers apply.

Freshman orientation was, Chad decided, extremely disorienting. He found himself wondering over the next three days if he was the only one who was feeling more than a little overwhelmed by all of the colors all over the campus, the extremely perky RAs and freshman leaders, and the “we’re cool even though we’re your administrators” speeches they were forced to sit through in overcrowded auditoriums where half of the people there were parents who weren’t quite ready to leave their children yet. Then again, so many of the kids were not allowed to have their cars so they needed their parents to take them to take them to pick up everything you never thought you needed for a dorm room. Like a broom or snacks or breakfast food or a laundry bag and who the hell had ever thought that storage was going to become so paramount? Somehow Ryan’s father had pulled some strings and they were both allowed to have their cars, despite their freshman status, so luckily that was one thing they didn’t gave to worry about like the others, but that didn’t stop the serious case of information overload that was threatening to make his head explode. He passed another freshman, between her rapidly speaking parents, and shot her a sympathetic smile. Her expression turned from one of terror and stress to one of exhausted appreciation. Sometimes all it took was knowing someone was in the same boat with you, Chad mused, and he saw in her arms the same book that he had been assigned for his first class. It would be nice to be on good terms with at least one person before his professor scared the crap out of him again three days from now.

After their service trip. Oh, God. He stopped in his tracks and nearly groaned. He had completely spaced the service trip he was supposed to be leaving for in the morning. What the hell kind of college welcomed them all to their freshman year by forcing them into groups of ten to twelve people they didn’t know with leaders that were entirely too excited about their college experience so that they could go work their asses off at some service oriented project or other that was out of the state for the remaining three days before classes began? Maybe their plan was to exhaust them into not being petrified stiff about their freshmen year. Ryan had, of course, been completely excused from the service trip he had been assigned to as classes were beginning at the Alterman school the next day. And that was hard. It was hard enough being here with no one else but Ryan he really knew around. But to now have to go on a service trip where he wouldn’t see Ryan for three days on top of it…Was it any wonder that he felt a little overwhelmed? He felt nearly ready to tear his hair out, or break down crying, or both as he walked into the student center.

But, there he was, Chad sighed and felt his heart settle when he spotted Ryan seated at one of the couches, his head back and his eyes closed as he listened to his iPod. There was a drink from the small coffee shop in his hand and another on the table before him that Chad recognized as being bought for him. He smiled and made his way slowly to his lover, his love. He took up the drink he knew Ryan had gotten for him and took a deep swallow, allowing the chai tea Ryan had gotten him hooked on to slide down his throat and sooth him further. He sat on the low table in front of Ryan and placed a hand on his knee. Ryan jerked a little as he woke and Chad’s brow furrowed. It wasn’t often that Ryan could fall asleep when so much chaos was going on around him, but his surprise suggested that he had indeed been asleep.

“You okay, babe?” Chad asked quietly, leaning in closer. He discreetly set his fingers to the inside of Ryan’s wrist and was relieved to find Ryan’s heart at a steady pace. Ryan frowned down at Chad’s fingers on his wrist, knowing exactly what he was doing.

“I’m fine,” he said shortly, pulling his hand away.

“Fine!” Chad stood, his own temper getting the best of him, “Whatever you say, Ryan. Do whatever you want.”

“Chad, wait!” Ryan called, pushing himself up off of the small couch and catching up to Chad just as he was out the door and storming onto the quad.

“Just wait a minute!” Ryan grabbed his arm and spun him around with more power than he thought possible in his own body, letting him know that the only reason it happened was because Chad allowed it to happen. Chad’s eyes were blazing when he turned around to face Ryan. He jerked his arm out of Ryan’s grasp and crossed them.

“What, Ryan?” He asked.

“What’s the matter with you?” Ryan asked.

“What the matter with me?” Chad scoffed, “Come on, Ryan! I’m miles from home, I don’t know anyone but you, I came here specifically for you and you snap at me the first time I try to take care of you even a little!”

“I don’t need you to take care of me, Chad!” Ryan nearly shouted. It was then they realized the audience they had and, without a word, began to walk quickly until they arrived at their dorm room. Another string pulled by Ryan’s father had made them roommates and they had been so grateful for it at the time.

“I don’t need you to take care of me!” Ryan repeated as Chad closed the door, “Do you know how much it took to let my parents come here with only you? They were going to send someone with me! I’m still not sure they don’t have a tail on me! But, I don’t need their concern and I don’t need you to treat me like a child! I’ve been completely healthy since it happened! I go to the doctor once every two weeks just to make sure, or had you forgotten?”

“I didn’t forget!” Chad ran a hand through his hair, “I can’t forget! I…” He crossed the room in two steps and pushed Ryan so that he was sitting on one of the beds. Ryan was about to protest until he saw the emotion in Chad’s eyes. He snapped his mouth shut and allowed himself to seethe as Chad continued to speak, crouching in front of him, “Ryan, when…everything happened…it was the scariest time of my life. I still have nightmares where I see you fall down those stairs. Now that we’re on our own here it’s going to be harder for me. I’m sorry if that’s going to harder for you, too. I know you don’t need me to take care of you, but I want to. I need to. I’ll always need to make sure you’re okay and healthy, no matter what, for the rest of our lives. And I need you to not be a bitch about it, okay? I do it because I love you. I’m sorry I lost my temper. I’m just a little overwhelmed by all of this. I don’t want to go on the damn trip and I just wish I knew someone else here.”

“Chad,” Ryan cupped his face in his hands, “We’re going to be fine. We’ll make friends before you know it, promise. And, the trip will be good, I’m sure. Fun,” He made a face and they both almost smiled at the lie they knew he was telling. After all, he didn’t have to go on one, “I’ll miss you, too, but if we can’t get along without each other for three days…We just need to learn to be apart just as well as when we’re together. We can’t become everything to each other or we’ll get sick of each other before we even have a chance to really be together on our own. I’m sorry that I reacted how I did. You were only trying to take care of me and I know it. I’m a little overwhelmed, too. But, we’re going to be okay.”

“Course we are,” Chad growled.

Ryan wrapped one hand around Chad’s neck and pulled him in for a deep kiss. Chad responded by getting back to his feet and pushing Ryan onto the bed so that he was lying prone before he began to unbutton strip Ryan of his clothes almost desperately. Ryan half sat up and did the same thing with Chad. The sex was something they hadn’t done in a long time. It was brutal and animalistic as they took from each other everything they needed with no thought for the other’s pleasure. They hadn’t had sex like this since they had come out of the closet. They’d made love plenty of times, but they hadn’t had this much energy, this much anger, in a long time. Strangely enough, it just made it better for them and they both cried out without words as they fell over the edge together.

“Are you okay?” Chad panted as they lay side by side. He held Ryan’s hand clasped over his heart as they both fought to regain their breath and cool their overheated bodies, “I was rough with you.”

“I was just as rough with you,” Ryan panted, then propped himself up on his free elbow. He grinned down at Chad, “It was incredible.”

“It was, wasn’t it?” Chad smiled, set a hand to Ryan’s cheek and leaned up to kiss his tenderly, “Of course, you’re always amazing.”

“Shouldn’t we still be mad at each other?” Ryan asked, “We were both kind of assholes to each other.”

“Yeah, but that was what the angry sex was for,” Chad said, pulling Ryan down so that his head rested on his chest, above his heart, “If we’re going to be separated for the next three days I really don’t want us to be angry at each other, do you?”

“No,” Ryan agreed, “You know, you could always pretend you’re sick and get out of the trip. We could break in this room. With everyone else on trips we could maybe even break in the showers.”

“We could,” Chad nodded, “But, wasn’t it you who just said that we need to learn to get along without each other as well as we do with each other.”

“I did. We do,” He rolled over, laughing, and bent to kiss Chad again, “Eventually.”