Anything and Everything

Days grew into weeks. It didn't hurt any less, whenever he thought of John, but it became a little easier to distract himself with other things. He worked long hours, expanding his practise, and even hired an assistant to keep the desk and do errands for him - using his background knowledge of the people in the city to find himself a sweet, mousy little thing named Jenny who was very efficient, even if she did get hiccoughs whenever she was nervous.

Almost three weeks after he left Shell Beach, a bouquet of two dozen white roses was delivered to his office, much to the confusion of his poor assistant. She knocked lightly on his office door between appointments, looking a little lost. "Dr. Schreber... um, these came for you...."

He gave a soft sigh, crossing the room and taking the card off the bouquet, knowing without having to look who they were from. "You may have them, if you like."

"But they came for you - "

"I do not want them." His reply came out rather sharper then intended, and he caught himself, holding up a hand as he schooled his emotions. "I am sorry, Jenny. I do not wish to have contact with the one who sent them."

"An ex-girlfriend?" she asked softly, and he gave a wry smile.

"You could say that."

She worried at her bottom lip with her teeth, another nervous habit. "I could split them up and put them around the waiting room, do you think? Then they aren't flowers from her... just flowers."

He gave a soft chuckle at her reasoning, and a little dismissive nod, turning to escape to the back office where he kept his desk and paperwork. "If you like." He shut the door behind him and sank down behind the desk, opening the card with trembling hands.


"Daniel,

Please accept these with my deepest apologies for hurting you. I never meant to do so, in any way, but it seems
to be all that I can do. I will understand if you want no further contact with me, and respect your wishes.
Please know, however, that I am thankful for the blessing of what little time we had together.
I will always love you.

John."

He set the card and his glasses aside with shaking fingers, then gave into sorrow and buried his face in his hands and cried, wanting to do nothing more than go back to the one that had sent the note, beg for forgiveness for hurting him, for leaving. But it was the one thing that he knew he could not do.

When he left the office late that evening, with John's card tucked in his coat pocket, he couldn't help but pause and look around the waiting room at the vases of roses, in clusters of twos and threes. He swallowed hard at the lump of emotion in his throat, and managed a smile at his assistant. "They look lovely. Thank you."

She was watching him with a little wistful smile, which grew a little at his words. "Thank you, Dr. Schreber. I know you didn't want them, but... the man who delivered them made me promise not to let them be thrown out, so I felt bad...."

He looked at her sharply. "The delivery man?"

"Oh, no. I thought he was a client at first, actually. He was very well dressed, very handsome. Dark curly hair and pretty green eyes." She raised an eyebrow slightly. "A friend of yours?"

"Was," he said softly, more upset than he'd anticipated at the thought of John bringing the roses himself. He pulled one of the roses from its vase, cupping the bloom in one hand, the stem hanging between his fingers, and let himself breathe in the soft perfume. "We had a falling out. We do not speak any more."

She gave a little nod, as if she had expected the answer. "Why don't you take one with you?"

"Perhaps I will." He gave her a soft smile. "Go home, Jenny. You've worked enough for today."

When he reached his apartment, he put the bloom in a small vase on his bedside table, tucking the card away in a drawer without reading it again. The bloom was faintly visible in the light from the window after he turned out the light, and he stared at it long into a sleepless night, cold and alone in the bed they had once shared.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Weeks turned into months, and the pain numbed slowly to a dull ache, a little more bearable. Like walking with a limp. An emotional cripple, knowing well that what little joy he would ever deserve in life would be the satisfaction of helping his clients. Occasionally he still used the bath house, and soaked long hours in warm water, letting the steam disguise tears.

It was quite by chance that he ran into Anna. He didn't go out much, not any more - it was simpler to let Jenny do the shopping. But it was only a few days until Christmas, and he knew she deserved a gift that she hadn't had to buy on her own, so one Saturday afternoon he cleared the appointment books and went shopping.

He was purchasing a perfume gift set at a department store downtown when he heard a familiar voice behind him. "... Daniel?"

He turned, confused. Not many knew him here, or at least enough to call him by his first name. The figure that met his gaze wasn't one that he'd ever expected. "Anna." He forced a smile, pleasantness he didn't feel. "What a surprise to see you. How are you?"

She smiled, moving to his side. "I'm good. Better now that I've ran into you." She glanced down at the gift. "That's a nice fragrance... a gift for a special someone?"

He gave a soft chuckle, and shook his head. "Just my secretary, I am afraid."

"Oh." Strangely, she looked a little happier at that. "I've never seen you come back to Shell Beach."

He picked up the wrapped parcel and held it under an arm, wondering a little at her aims. "I have been very busy with work, I am afraid. How is John?" The words were a little thick on his tongue, and he hoped she hadn't picked up on how hard it had been to say them.

Anna shrugged. "I don't know. We don't really talk anymore."

They don't talk.... He stared at her for a long moment. "You don't talk to him?"

"No, he broke up with me. A week or so after I met you, actually."

He felt his heart beating faster despite himself. "Just after we met. After I came out to Shell Beach?"

She gave a little shrug. "At first I thought I was probably right about there being someone else, but I haven't seen him in town with anyone. Maybe someone at the hospital, he's gone back to working there, last I heard."

He remembered his manners, a little too late. "I am sorry to hear that things did not work out."

She gave a little shrug and a smile. "I'm over it. Plenty of fish in the sea, right? I'm free tonight, if you are? Maybe we could catch up?"

"I have previous engagements," he said quickly, mind thinking on a million things that didn't involve Anna trying to ask him on a date. "I am sorry. Perhaps next time."

She gave a little disappointed smile and nodded. "Next time." He was hardly listening, though, already leaving the department store, hailing a cab for home. John had... broken it off with Anna? Just after his visit - after their fight. He'd actually broken it off with Anna, like he'd said....

He wondered a little at the way his heart sang when Anna delivered the news. He should not, under any circumstances, be glad that John had broken it off with her... but it seemed that whatever strength he had held to when he'd first left John had all but evaporated after so long of being alone. He agonized on it for a few hours, picking up the phone once or twice and putting it back down without dialing. Trying to convince himself not to re-open old wounds, to convince himself that he should stay well and truly out of John Murdoch's life. But he couldn't bare the thought of leaving the man alone. He'd left him, and John had left Anna... was there anyone else? The thought frightened him more than any other worry he'd ever had for John. Had he made a mistake, leaving him? Had he made things worse?

Finally, he decided the best course of action was just to go see the man face to face. He left Jenny's gift on her desk, neatly wrapped and accompanied by a Christmas check, with a note asking her to cancel his appointments up to Christmas and to take a holiday. Then he packed a few things and a change of clothes into a shoulder bag, left a few days food out for his rats, and stopped by a couple of stores before catching the train out to Shell Beach.

It had been chilly in the city, and was colder now in Shell Beach, with an icy winter's wind coming off the ocean, and a light snow that was closer to sleet falling, soaking into his coat. He found himself wishing he'd brought a scarf, but buttoned his overcoat all the way up and turned the collar up before starting up the road to the lighthouse, to John's house, hands pulled into the sleeves of his coat to keep warm. The walk was farther than he remembered - perhaps because it was cold - and by the time he reached the house, he was chilled through and shivering. He was relieved to see a light on in the kitchen - even if John didn't want to see him, surely he could stay for a few minutes to warm up before starting back to the train station.

He reached the mailbox marked "Murdoch" finally, and climbed the porch steps, taking a deep breath before ringing the bell.

The door opened after a few moments, to green eyes that widened at the sight of him. "...holy hell, Daniel!"

"I am s-sorry t-to come un-unannounced - " he tried to speak, but found that as soon as he unclenched his jaw, his teeth started chattering uncontrollably.

"God, you're freezing. Come in...." He bustled Daniel inside before he could say anything more, taking his shopping bags and shoulder bag from him and setting them on a bench beside the entryway, taking his coat - now almost soaked through - and hat, hanging them by the radiator to dry. "I can't believe you came...."

"I am sorry for not calling...."

"I would have made nicer weather if I'd known," he said quietly, not quite meeting his gaze, but taking one of Daniel's hands between his own, rubbing a little to warm it, doing the same for the other.

"I did not know if you would want to see me," Daniel replied softly, his shivering finally stopping in the warmth of John's house.

The man gave a soft, sad smile, lifting his hands to cup Daniel's cold cheeks, but didn't come any closer than that. "I always want to see you," he said softly, holding his gaze for just a moment, and Daniel saw nothing but sadness and regret before he released him, turning away. "I was just sitting down with a cup of coffee. Can I cheat you up some tea? Warm you up?"

He gave a little nod, slipping out of his wet shoes and padding after John in stocking feet into the kitchen. The man sat him down, smoothing his fingers over a spot in the air over the table, and a large cup of tea appeared on a saucer under it. "Help yourself to milk and sugar."

He nodded, managing to keep his hands from shaking as he sweetened the tea and stirred it, watching the liquid swirl around the edges of the cup. Truthfully, he still didn't exactly know what he wanted to say to the man, no more than he had back in his apartment. He'd thought it would be easier, seeing him in person. "How have you been?" he finally managed, weakly, and it sounded fake and trite to his own ears.

"As well as can be expected, I suppose," John replied after a moment, and took a sip of his coffee. "It's kind of amusing... I've been playing doctor."

He quirked an eyebrow. "Doctor, John?"

A soft chuckle, though there was no joy in it. "It's been surprisingly easy. No one's noticed that all I do is visit other doctor's patients. Just that people always feel better after I've been around." He took another sip of his coffee. "I learn a little more every day, about what I can do, how I can help people. Like you do. And it keeps me sane. I think."

"You... heal people? With Tuning?"

"Yes."

Daniel watched him for a long moment, but the man didn't meet his eyes. He realized suddenly that somehow along the way, he had been very wrong in his assessment of John Murdoch. John's humanity, he realized, was not a result of his environment or his peers, but the man himself. Anna or no Anna... John would still do things right. "That's very admirable, John," he found himself saying, meaning so much more than just the idea of John healing people, and suddenly he didn't feel quite so lost, quite so unsure as to what to do.

"I suppose." He finished his coffee and stared at the empty cup for a long moment, then refilled it with an idle hand motion, adding cream and sugar again.

"I ran into Anna today," he started, watching John carefully, who looked a little guilty.

"Oh," the man replied simply. "How was that for you?"

He smiled despite himself. "She tried to ask me out for dinner."

John very soft laugh, still looking out the back window at the sea. "You can, if you want."

"You know very well I have no desire for that," Daniel replied softly, and took a sip of his tea - which was steeped to perfection, as it always was when John made it. "Why are you not with someone?"

"I tried," John said softly. "I've met so many women, I just... I can't stop thinking about you."

"Then why did you not tell me when you broke it off with her?"

John gave a soft sigh, looking down at his coffee silently for a long moment. "A lot of reasons, I guess. I wasn't sure I had the right to, after not being faithful to you last time. Too proud to ask you back when you'd left me. And... with everything you said before you left..." he worried at his bottom lip. "I was kind of convinced you'd reject me."

Daniel watched him, giving a slow nod, and took another sip of his tea. "I tried to convince myself that we should not be together. I am still unsure if it is particularly wise. I thought if I took myself out of the picture, you would be happy with Anna...." He sighed, lowering his head in shame, a sharp agony of hurt and regret clenching at his stomach. "I didn't want to be the other person anymore. The one to ruin your relationship."

"I know," he replied quietly, lacing his fingers around the cup. "I should have never put you in that kind of a position. I'm sorry."

Daniel gave a little shrug. "We all do the best we can with what we have, John." They sat quietly for a few moments, sipping hot beverages in a slightly uncomfortable silence. Finally Daniel spoke again, watching him. "You really could not make your relationship with Anna work?"

John lowered his head, and set the cup down. "I tried," he said, softly. "I really did. But I... every time I saw her, all I could think was that... she'd cost me you. And I began to hate her for it, and hate myself more, until I couldn't stand the sight of her. So I broke it off."

"I'm sorry," Daniel said softly, but the dark haired man shook his head.

"It's not your fault. You know it's not. If I'd wanted her enough to stay with her, I never would have kissed you. Honestly..." he stopped for a moment, flushing deeply. "I know I loved her, when she was Emma. I remember it, I remember being intimate with her, I remember enjoying it. But when I tried to make love to Anna... I couldn't make myself feel anything. There was nothing there anymore." He sighed, shaking his head slowly, and looked up to meet his gaze again. "It was a harsh contrast to the way I felt when I was with you." He gave a soft sigh, glancing away. "I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I've never stopped feeling that way."

He sighed, heart aching at his lover's sorrow. "Please excuse me... I will be right back." He stood and returned to the front entry, finding the shopping bags but leaving his shoulder bag where it sat, taking them back to the kitchen. "Since it is Christmas, you will have to forgive me if I took the liberty of bringing you a gift basket." He set it out - sweet and savory goodies piled high, wrapped in brightly coloured cellophane. "I thought it might be nice to have something you didn't have to make yourself."

John gave a little nod, watching him with a slightly confused look. "Thank you. That's thoughtful of you."

He handed him the smaller parcel, soft and squishy, and sat down nervously. "And this is for you."

He took it with a little questioning glance, setting it on the table and peeling back the scotch tape. The wrapping undone, he lifted and shook out the garment inside, sage green and black. "... shorts?"

"Swimming trunks," Daniel corrected softly, more than a little nervous. "For the hot pool you are going to make in your back yard for me, for when I come to visit you this winter."

"Is that so?" He set down the shorts, watching him, the hint of a smile playing about the corners of his mouth.

"If you would like it to be so, John."

He stood, and beckoned him forward, catching his hands and pulling him close. When he spoke, his voice was soft and low. "Will you forgive me for what I've done, Daniel? For hurting you?"

Daniel's breath caught in his throat, but he managed a nod. "John, please believe me. You have done nothing that requires my forgiveness, and I have done much that requires yours."

His lover smiled, and gave a little shake of his head. "You haven't - "

He placed a finger to John's lips, interrupting him gently. "I have. I was frightened and allowed myself to make decisions based on that fear, instead of listening to my heart, and to yours. I was so very careless with the beautiful gift of love that you gave me. I left you when you needed me, and I lied to you when I did. And above all, I should have had more faith in you."

John pressed his lips lightly to the finger that was still laid along his to keep him quiet, green eyes bright with emotion. "But you came back. That's what I needed most."

"You do not think that it's too late?" He forced himself to ask, with a little shiver of fear, letting his fingers stroke over John's cheek, and the man sighed softly, leaning into his palm, kissing the skin.

"Never." John's hand slipped to cup his face in return, giving a little noise of dismay. "God, you're so cold...." He pulled him closer, trailing soft kisses along his jaw, free hand stroking over the other side of his face, warm and gentle, breath in a shuddering sigh against his skin. "Oh god, I missed you."

"Missed you so very much," he whispered, and leaned in to press his lips to his softly, trembling a little, as if afraid John would disappear.

John gave a soft moan against his mouth in reply, returning his kiss gently, then again and again, warmer, longer, his fingers slipping into Daniel's hair to hold him to it. John's kisses were sweet and yearning, practically drinking in the affection, lips locking together breathlessly. When Daniel let his lips part invitingly, he didn't hesitate, tongue brushing his as he deepened the kiss, tasting of heat and coffee. Finally he pulled back, forehead pressed to Daniel's, breath in soft pants, warm against his mouth. "I need you, Daniel. I need you so much. Don't leave me again, please. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't survive it."

"I promise," he managed to reply with a soft whimper, feeling almost overcome with relief, with love and adoration and, a little shamefully, so much desire for him. But he needed to be sure.... "We will be together, John? Just the two of us?"

"God yes," his lover replied, trembling a little against him. "Every day if you like. Every night in your arms. We'll run the city together and I promise everything will work out... how could I ever do anything inhumane when my heart belongs to you?"

Daniel gave a soft sob before he could stop himself, arching closer, letting his eyes close to gentle fingers that lifted his glasses to wipe away tears, John's lips pressing gently to his forehead, murmuring soft, soothing words.

"I am so sorry, John. I trust you, I promise you." He drew back to meet his gaze, slipping a hand to cup his face, to stroke through dark curls, and held his gaze as he whispered the words he'd always felt, but been too afraid to say. "John... I love you so much..." he gasped softly, losing his hold on tears again, pressing closer. "I always have. I'm so sorry...."

"Shh..." John's lips against his, trembling a little, fingers stroking through his hair, almost choking on the words. "God, I've waited so long to hear you say that...."

"I know," he whispered, kissing him gently, warmly, again and again, soft caresses joining them more than words could. "I was afraid. But I always felt it, John," he murmured softly. "Even before the sunlight. I would have done anything to keep you safe from them."

"You did," his lover replied, pulling back just a little to smile at him, with the most beautiful kind of warm happiness to it. Hope. It was a gift more exquisite than any he ever had right to ask for. "My sweet Daniel," John whispered softly. "My beautiful, brave love."

~~~~~