What to Expect When You're Unexpected
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zMisplaced Stories [ADMIN use only] › Batman (All Movies)
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
8
Views:
3,579
Reviews:
18
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
zMisplaced Stories [ADMIN use only] › Batman (All Movies)
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
8
Views:
3,579
Reviews:
18
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
Disclaimer: I do not own Batman, and I do not make any money from these writings.
Me Love You Long Time
Title: What to Expect When You’re Unexpected- Chapter 6
Rating: R (finally, some smexing this chapter!)
Pairing: Batman/Joker
WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.
Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker’s baby daddy.
Three Weeks Later
At first, Batman lived in a nice state of delusion.
After passing out from hearing the heartbeats of his children (which, ironically, the Joker had found more touching than funny), the Joker had been oddly… attentive to Batman. Batman had woken to find his head in the Joker’s lap, which was being gently stroked by said pregnant clown. The Joker had beamed at him as he had jumped up to his feet.
The next few days consisted of equally bizarre behavior from his nemesis.
The Joker started demanding that Batman spend more time with him, “I am the mother of your children!” he was reminded.
Batman had tried to avoid this duty only once.
The Joker had responded by covering the Tumbler in frosting. Pink frosting.
And judging from the mess that Alfred had found in the kitchen, it was safe to assume that Joker and Schiff had discovered their way out of the caves.
Ground rules had been set down (not that Batman exactly expected the Joker to follow rules, but if he wanted Batman’s continued attention he would have to play along for now), and the Joker and Schiff were given full access to the upstairs when no one else was around.
The next night, Batman and Joker started watching television together.
At opposite ends of the couch.
And that lasted a grand total of two nights, before the Joker started inching closer… closer… pressed right up tight to Batman. He smiled cheerfully at Batman.
Batman was uncomfortable, but figured that was exactly what the clown wanted.
Until the night the Joker put his hand on Batman’s knee and his head on the other’s shoulder.
Batman couldn’t move. It was bad enough to be forced to watch some show on Discovery Health about babies (“It’s educational, Batsy!”), but this was just too fucking bizarre.
Then the Joker’s hand started to inch slowly up his thigh.
“Stop it,” Batman muttered gruffly, pushing the hand away.
The Joker actually pouted as he turned to look up at Batman. “Come on,” he purred, leaning in closer and rubbing a hand over Batman’s chest. “It’s not like anyone is going to know. It’s just you and me in here, Big Bat.”
“Gah! Knock it off! What the hell are you doing?” Batman nearly flew off the couch, knocking over the coffee table in his haste to stand.
The Joker gave no quarter, leaping to his feet just as quickly and wrapping his arms around Batman’s waist. “It’s been so long for me,” Joker pointed out. “I haven’t been with anyone since Arkham. It wouldn’t take me that long, at this point.”
Oh, hell no. He is not actually suggesting that we-
Garishly painted lips crashed into his, as the Joker pulled him into a desperate kiss. Batman gasped in shock, allowing Joker to slip his tongue in.
No! No! No! Do not want!
Unfortunately, Little Batman (ahem) did not get the message and started to respond the grinding Joker in front of him. Batman’s hands also didn’t get the message as they reached up and buried themselves in the Joker’s hair when did he start washing that regularly? Batman wondered idly.
Bam!
“What the hell was that?” Batman muttered, trying to turn his head away.
“Don’t worry about,” Joker groaned, digging his hands into Batman’s shoulders. “It’s probably nothing-“
Bam! Bam! Bam!
Batman managed to hastily disentangle himself. “No, that does not sound like ‘nothing’, Joker,” he muttered running into the library.
Bam! Bam!
“What the hell is Schiff doing down there?” Batman murmured, noticing that the strange noises were coming from behind the faux book shelf.
Schiff will die painfully for this, the Joker seethed, following Batman into the cave.
The two men descended into the Batcave to find Schiff running around and brandishing two hand guns, with more tucked into his belt. His eyes were wild as he continued shooting into the roof of the cave.
Bam! Splat! Bam! Splat!
“Thomas Schiff, what the fuck are you doing?” Batman roared.
Schiff started and looked like a bunny caught in the headlights. It was then that Batman noticed the dead bat bodies littering the floor.
“I’m going to regret asking this: why are there dead bats on the floor? And why in the hell are you shooting them?” Batman asked slowly, praying for the strength not to break his one little rule and strangle Schiff.
“Well, I… ah, read that cat feces is bad for developing mothers,” Schiff explained, twittering occasionally. “And since bat sounds like cat, I figured guano wasn’t too good for Mr. Joker either. So, the bats have to go.”
Both the Joker and Batman stared at Schiff in open mouthed shock.
“That is the stupidest thing I have heard today,” Batman finally snapped.
“Well, Batsy, he might be right. All this shit can’t be good for us,” the Joker pointed out, making it a point to cover his nose.
“And neither is having a bunch of rotting bat corpses,” Batman snarled. “Besides, it will take him forever to shoot them all.”
Schiff’s eyes suddenly lit up. “Is that a flamethrower?”he squealed in joy, nearly knocking the Joker over as he tore at the object he had spied.
Before either man could help or hinder him, Schiff had the mysteriously yet conveniently placed flame thrower on his back and continued his genocide of the Batcave Bats with a laugh of maniacal glee.
The Joker walked up behind Batman and wrapped his hands around his waist. “There’s really no stopping him now. We might as well just go back upstairs and finish what we started,” the Joker tried to entice him.
“Um, no,” Batman grumbled, trying to break out of the Joker’s grip. But the Joker managed to hold on like a terrier with a rat. “I’m not into men!”
“Oh, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, baby.” The Joker slipped one hand lower, teasing over Batman’s Armani pants (why did he have to dress like that twat Wayne all of the time?). “You just might like it. I promise to be gentle, since it’s obviously your first time.”
“No, no, no!” Batman squealed, shoving the Joker away roughly and tearing back up the stairs, trying to find safety.
Behind him, Batman could hear the Joker skipping up the steps and Schiff howling:
“I love the smell of napalm in the evening!”
Before he even had a chance to shut the door and lock the Joker in the cave, the Joker had slipped out and was spinning Batman around, giggling. Batman managed to slip away, but the Joker continued to prance behind him and herding Batman toward one of the mansion’s numerous bedrooms.
“Damn it, Joker, knock it off! I am not having sex with you!” Batman roared in one last attempt at defiance.
The Joker’s face darkened, as he pushed then threw Batman onto the bed. “List to me, you son of a bitch,” the Joker roared. “You got me preggers, and god damn it, I fully intend to enjoy the act with you at least once. And being all by my lonesome just ain’t doin’ it any more. So this night is only going to end one way: with your dick up my ass. You can either lie back and enjoy it, or I can make your first time a living hell.”
Batman’s mind kind of blanked out after that point. Clothing was torn off and discarded on the floor. He and the Joker were kissing each other, desperately, passionately, in a war for dominance. Something had slickened the Joker’s hand and was rubbed along his cock, and then there was warm heat… Good god, that feels good. No, no… yes, yes, more! Pants and groans, sloppy kisses and clutching hands, then-
“Fuck, yes!”
Oh, god, was that me? Batman wondered. Fuck, I think that was me.
The Joker cried out happily, something warm and sticky on Batman’s belly…Wait, when did I get to be on top?
The two lay next to each other, staring at the ceiling for very separate reasons.
The Joker rolled over, purring like a content cat and burying himself in Batman’s side. “Not bad, lover,” he murmured, running his fingers lightly up and down Batman’s sternum.
I did not just do that. Oh, I so did not just do that… Fuck, I just did that.
The Joker’s hand started to dip lower. “Care to go for round two?”
Quick! Kill the mood quick!
“Hey, Joker, since you’re a man, where will the babies come out of?” Batman blurted out.
The Joker popped up on one elbow to look at Batman quizzically. “Huh?”
“Well, I know where a baby comes out of a woman when it’s born.” Batman looked at the Joker in all seriousness. “How are the twins going to get out of you when it’s time?”
The Joker suddenly gave it thought and his stomach dropped.
What part of his anatomy were the twins going to pop out of?
Rating: R (finally, some smexing this chapter!)
Pairing: Batman/Joker
WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.
Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker’s baby daddy.
Three Weeks Later
At first, Batman lived in a nice state of delusion.
After passing out from hearing the heartbeats of his children (which, ironically, the Joker had found more touching than funny), the Joker had been oddly… attentive to Batman. Batman had woken to find his head in the Joker’s lap, which was being gently stroked by said pregnant clown. The Joker had beamed at him as he had jumped up to his feet.
The next few days consisted of equally bizarre behavior from his nemesis.
The Joker started demanding that Batman spend more time with him, “I am the mother of your children!” he was reminded.
Batman had tried to avoid this duty only once.
The Joker had responded by covering the Tumbler in frosting. Pink frosting.
And judging from the mess that Alfred had found in the kitchen, it was safe to assume that Joker and Schiff had discovered their way out of the caves.
Ground rules had been set down (not that Batman exactly expected the Joker to follow rules, but if he wanted Batman’s continued attention he would have to play along for now), and the Joker and Schiff were given full access to the upstairs when no one else was around.
The next night, Batman and Joker started watching television together.
At opposite ends of the couch.
And that lasted a grand total of two nights, before the Joker started inching closer… closer… pressed right up tight to Batman. He smiled cheerfully at Batman.
Batman was uncomfortable, but figured that was exactly what the clown wanted.
Until the night the Joker put his hand on Batman’s knee and his head on the other’s shoulder.
Batman couldn’t move. It was bad enough to be forced to watch some show on Discovery Health about babies (“It’s educational, Batsy!”), but this was just too fucking bizarre.
Then the Joker’s hand started to inch slowly up his thigh.
“Stop it,” Batman muttered gruffly, pushing the hand away.
The Joker actually pouted as he turned to look up at Batman. “Come on,” he purred, leaning in closer and rubbing a hand over Batman’s chest. “It’s not like anyone is going to know. It’s just you and me in here, Big Bat.”
“Gah! Knock it off! What the hell are you doing?” Batman nearly flew off the couch, knocking over the coffee table in his haste to stand.
The Joker gave no quarter, leaping to his feet just as quickly and wrapping his arms around Batman’s waist. “It’s been so long for me,” Joker pointed out. “I haven’t been with anyone since Arkham. It wouldn’t take me that long, at this point.”
Oh, hell no. He is not actually suggesting that we-
Garishly painted lips crashed into his, as the Joker pulled him into a desperate kiss. Batman gasped in shock, allowing Joker to slip his tongue in.
No! No! No! Do not want!
Unfortunately, Little Batman (ahem) did not get the message and started to respond the grinding Joker in front of him. Batman’s hands also didn’t get the message as they reached up and buried themselves in the Joker’s hair when did he start washing that regularly? Batman wondered idly.
Bam!
“What the hell was that?” Batman muttered, trying to turn his head away.
“Don’t worry about,” Joker groaned, digging his hands into Batman’s shoulders. “It’s probably nothing-“
Bam! Bam! Bam!
Batman managed to hastily disentangle himself. “No, that does not sound like ‘nothing’, Joker,” he muttered running into the library.
Bam! Bam!
“What the hell is Schiff doing down there?” Batman murmured, noticing that the strange noises were coming from behind the faux book shelf.
Schiff will die painfully for this, the Joker seethed, following Batman into the cave.
The two men descended into the Batcave to find Schiff running around and brandishing two hand guns, with more tucked into his belt. His eyes were wild as he continued shooting into the roof of the cave.
Bam! Splat! Bam! Splat!
“Thomas Schiff, what the fuck are you doing?” Batman roared.
Schiff started and looked like a bunny caught in the headlights. It was then that Batman noticed the dead bat bodies littering the floor.
“I’m going to regret asking this: why are there dead bats on the floor? And why in the hell are you shooting them?” Batman asked slowly, praying for the strength not to break his one little rule and strangle Schiff.
“Well, I… ah, read that cat feces is bad for developing mothers,” Schiff explained, twittering occasionally. “And since bat sounds like cat, I figured guano wasn’t too good for Mr. Joker either. So, the bats have to go.”
Both the Joker and Batman stared at Schiff in open mouthed shock.
“That is the stupidest thing I have heard today,” Batman finally snapped.
“Well, Batsy, he might be right. All this shit can’t be good for us,” the Joker pointed out, making it a point to cover his nose.
“And neither is having a bunch of rotting bat corpses,” Batman snarled. “Besides, it will take him forever to shoot them all.”
Schiff’s eyes suddenly lit up. “Is that a flamethrower?”he squealed in joy, nearly knocking the Joker over as he tore at the object he had spied.
Before either man could help or hinder him, Schiff had the mysteriously yet conveniently placed flame thrower on his back and continued his genocide of the Batcave Bats with a laugh of maniacal glee.
The Joker walked up behind Batman and wrapped his hands around his waist. “There’s really no stopping him now. We might as well just go back upstairs and finish what we started,” the Joker tried to entice him.
“Um, no,” Batman grumbled, trying to break out of the Joker’s grip. But the Joker managed to hold on like a terrier with a rat. “I’m not into men!”
“Oh, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, baby.” The Joker slipped one hand lower, teasing over Batman’s Armani pants (why did he have to dress like that twat Wayne all of the time?). “You just might like it. I promise to be gentle, since it’s obviously your first time.”
“No, no, no!” Batman squealed, shoving the Joker away roughly and tearing back up the stairs, trying to find safety.
Behind him, Batman could hear the Joker skipping up the steps and Schiff howling:
“I love the smell of napalm in the evening!”
Before he even had a chance to shut the door and lock the Joker in the cave, the Joker had slipped out and was spinning Batman around, giggling. Batman managed to slip away, but the Joker continued to prance behind him and herding Batman toward one of the mansion’s numerous bedrooms.
“Damn it, Joker, knock it off! I am not having sex with you!” Batman roared in one last attempt at defiance.
The Joker’s face darkened, as he pushed then threw Batman onto the bed. “List to me, you son of a bitch,” the Joker roared. “You got me preggers, and god damn it, I fully intend to enjoy the act with you at least once. And being all by my lonesome just ain’t doin’ it any more. So this night is only going to end one way: with your dick up my ass. You can either lie back and enjoy it, or I can make your first time a living hell.”
Batman’s mind kind of blanked out after that point. Clothing was torn off and discarded on the floor. He and the Joker were kissing each other, desperately, passionately, in a war for dominance. Something had slickened the Joker’s hand and was rubbed along his cock, and then there was warm heat… Good god, that feels good. No, no… yes, yes, more! Pants and groans, sloppy kisses and clutching hands, then-
“Fuck, yes!”
Oh, god, was that me? Batman wondered. Fuck, I think that was me.
The Joker cried out happily, something warm and sticky on Batman’s belly…Wait, when did I get to be on top?
The two lay next to each other, staring at the ceiling for very separate reasons.
The Joker rolled over, purring like a content cat and burying himself in Batman’s side. “Not bad, lover,” he murmured, running his fingers lightly up and down Batman’s sternum.
I did not just do that. Oh, I so did not just do that… Fuck, I just did that.
The Joker’s hand started to dip lower. “Care to go for round two?”
Quick! Kill the mood quick!
“Hey, Joker, since you’re a man, where will the babies come out of?” Batman blurted out.
The Joker popped up on one elbow to look at Batman quizzically. “Huh?”
“Well, I know where a baby comes out of a woman when it’s born.” Batman looked at the Joker in all seriousness. “How are the twins going to get out of you when it’s time?”
The Joker suddenly gave it thought and his stomach dropped.
What part of his anatomy were the twins going to pop out of?