I know

Author's Note: Finally the beta-read version of the chapter. Thank you Malakai_Amlug!


Chapter Seven


"Strange infatuation seems to grace the evening tide
Such imagination seems to help the feeling slide"


Will watched Hannibal descend the stairs to the parked Bentley,
registering the goodbye wave but unable to return it. The silver grey car
left as he stood, still not moving a single muscle. His cheek still felt
warm where Hannibal's hand had brushed over it. The evening breeze
caressed his face in a mock copy of the other man's touch.

He forced himself to turn back to the door and while his hands searched
through his pockets – few as they were – his mind was still trying to
process what had just happened. There, finally, his finger tips brushed
over something solid, cool, and metal and closed around it, pulling out
the keys to his house.

The door made no sound as it was pushed open, letting warm humid air into
the dark inside. Dazed, Will stepped into his home and closed the door
behind him. Not bothering with things like locking or switching on the
light, he dropped the keys on the small table and toed off his loafers.

Was this the real reason for everything? Had Hannibal been jealous back
then when he had told Dolarhyde to kill Molly and Josh? But no, Hannibal
Lecter didn't do jealous. So was it something new? What exactly was it?
Why and since when? And WHY?

Padding bare-foot to the stairs, he climbed up to the bedroom. He was
drained, so he should lie down and rest. He had to go to work tomorrow.
But his mind was in such turmoil, he wasn't sure he'd be able to get a
minute's sleep tonight. There were far too many things to consider and
think about. With a small gesture, everything said and done this evening
suddenly got a different meaning.

Will strolled into his bedroom and peeled out of his clothes. Normally he
would fold them neatly and put them back into the right cupboard, but not
now. He couldn't care less about wrinkles and stains.

Stretching his limbs, some of the tension seemed to disappear but most of
it lingered.

What he needed now was a good shower, to feel fresh and clean again. He
did that a lot here. Taking showers. In the beginning it had been
necessary because the hot and humid weather made him sweat profusely, but
now he was used to it. He used the time spent under the cleansing water to
contemplate topics that bothered him.

The tiles felt cool under his feet and he stepped into the cubicle,
turning the water on. A relaxed sigh escaped him as he felt the water run
down his body, taking the accumulated dirt and sweat with it.

His thoughts returned to the gesture on the porch and behind his closed
eye lids the whole scene was replayed, showing him the affection in the
maroon eyes that followed the path of the stroking thumb.

His eidetectic mind was sometimes even more a curse than it usually was.
Why did he have to be able to remember in every detail the way the older
man's eyes had taken in his face, looks, and moves, the way he had held
the car door open, and the way the frightening reddish colour of the
perceptive eyes had softened when facing him on the porch. Will was able
to re-feel every emotion that he had felt when the surprisingly tender
hand had cupped his face.

A shiver ran down his spine as he groaned defeated. What should he do now?
After the first shock of finding Lecter in his house, came the shock of
realising that he had been watched for days. That he wasn't going to die?

Will hadn't been able to understand what exactly he was supposed to expect
from his newest addition to his contacts on Trinidad. Of course he had
been frightened – terrified to be more precise – but at the same time
there had welled up this incredible anger, frustration too. Frustration
about another life built up for nothing.

Soon thereafter he had capitulated, deciding that he simply didn't have
the power to fight back anymore. Gone were the times when he woke every
morning recharged and full of energy. These days had stopped together with
his reason to fight. Will simply couldn't see what there was to defend. No
family, no friends, he thought that maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to
stop, die.

But surrender hadn't been enough for his private tormentor. No, apparently
even friendship was not enough for him anymore. Hannibal wanted complete
surrender; he wanted all of Will. Heart, body and soul.

Was he able to do that? It was not so much a matter of trusting the other
but the important question was if he still had a heart to give. Will
wasn't too sure about that.

In the end it didn't matter what he thought or felt. Never had. People
just took away his decisions and took over control of his life. Nothing
new in that.

The coconut smell of the shower lotion suds made him lean back against the
wet cool tiles of the cubicle wall and dream about things he couldn't
have. A real home and love. Nothing much, just peace of body and mind.

Maybe he would find it where he never expected it to hide?

The water got colder and Will decided to get his exhausted ass out of the
bathroom and into the bedroom. He was sure that sleep would prove to be
elusive, but he had to try none the less.

Not even bothering to towel himself dry, he headed for his bed, crawled
into it and curled up on his side. The windows were closed and some time
during the night he would have to get up again and let fresh air in, but
right now he felt unable to move.

Blinking tiredly, he stared into the dark of the shadows, his mind still
turning his thoughts round and round, not finding any rest. Too many
things to contemplate, worries to worry about, and emotions to interpret.
Will had to make a decision soon that would change lives.


"You're slipping slowly from my reach
You've never seen the lonely me at all"


Business was slow today, but that was actually a good thing, for Will was
unable to pay attention to anything. His mind was still on the previous
evening, his thoughts always returning to the soft caress Hannibal had
bestowed upon him.

Will knew that this was not right, but after a long night's fight with
insomnia and three cups of coffee, he'd decided to accept an offer made by
the older man. Should it be made. It wouldn't do to come up with any
conclusions after only one attempt of friendly advance. No, the offer
would have to be clear and genuine.

Having made that decision, Will's mind was still troubled. As he before
wondered about what to do, so was he now wondering what Hannibal would do.
The times when he had been able to assume the man's thought patterns were
long past, and he wasn't ready yet to delve that deep, let himself free.
What if he wasn't able to find back out? He was afraid to lose himself.

And if he lost himself, would Hannibal find him again? Would he care to
find Will?

The bell at the shop door rang and called his attention back to reality.
The customer who had entered was welcomed by Muta and the two disappeared
through the side door into the back yard.

Ah! Someone of Muta's band. A short glance at his wrist watch provided
Will with the knowledge that only two hours had passed since his shift had
started. Time was crawling so slowly, it felt like it was going backwards.

The side door opened and Muta peeked inside, his eyes searching for his
employee. "Will, close the shop. The others will be over, because
something came up with the band. Take the day off."

"Okay, thank you." The man just waved his thank you off and disappeared
back into the back yard.

Will sighed. What now? He had the day off but nothing to do. He was not
accustomed to things like that happening. It came to his attention how
dependent he was on his daily schedule. He was completely lost without a
plan on how to occupy his time.

The shop was clean, and since nobody had been there, there were no glasses
or cups to wash. Only the coffee pot to empty and clean. With that done,
Will grabbed his sunglasses and his tattered Fedora. Since he had no idea
what to do, he'd take a stroll down to the beach.

He locked the shop on his way out and put the glasses and hat on. The sun
was partially hidden behind fluffy white cotton balls of clouds. But it
was still early by noon the sun's competition for the sky would
completely end.

The streets were rather empty. With the children in school and the
grownups at work, only a couple of women on their way to get their
purchases were to be seen.

Will slowly strolled south, his hands in his pockets. His thoughts had
once more returned to the topic that had had him pre-occupied the whole
morning. Whenever Dr. Hannibal Lecter had made an appearance in Will's
life, he had demanded that all attention be directed on him. It was
actually not something the other man did on purpose, but he was a person
who enthralled the plain human.

It was even worse for Will than for others. Nobody else had known the good
doctor as well as he, and the man was addicting. Will could, to some
extent, understand the scientific fascination Lecter presented. The man
was a genius and a murderer, a madman.

The street took a sharp turn to the left, leading down to the beach. Will
followed it down to the sand, taking off his sandals. He buried his feet
in the burning hot grains. It felt delicious. A satisfied smile spread on
his tanned features as he waded down to the water.

A light breeze wafted from the ocean over the sandy dunes. It caressed
over Will's skin like soft hands. The touches called up the picture of
maroon eyes that seemed to drink him in. Real hands that cupped his face.

He shook his head and couldn't keep himself from snorting softly. What was
the matter with him? Two days ago he had almost had a breakdown because he
had met Lecter again. Yesterday he had caused a minor scene at the
restaurant because of a comment the other man had made. Today he was
obsessed with the doctor's hands caressing his face. How sick was that?

All energy drained away and he had to sit down quickly. Small, hot sand
grains slipped into his clothes everywhere, but Will didn't notice. Cold
shivers ran down his spine and a cry tore out of his throat. It sounded
wounded, calling for help.

It was all too much. His mind was in turmoil, thoughts popping up and
disappearing almost as fast as they had appeared. It was too much.

Will was scared, but Lecter had touched a spot where Will simply had no
defences. He simply couldn't help latching onto the offer that was waved
right in front of his nose.

His shoulders shook with the sobs that spilled out of him. Tears made
their scolding path down his cheeks and he buried his trembling hands in
his hair, pulling hard. It was as if Will's body was a little boat on the
wild sea of his emotions, being torn at and thrown around.

The breeze made him shiver even harder and he curled up in the sand, his
heart hurting with all the pain of his current state.

Suddenly strong hands took hold of him and pulled him closer to a warm
body.

Will did the first thing that came to his confused mind. He pressed closer
in the search for warmth, his fingers grabbing the soft shirt and his face
burying in the neck.

Arms went around Will's shaking form and held him still. "Sh, Will. I am
here. Don't worry. I am here now."


"I ... Fall
Without you I'm nothing"